Thoughtless (65 page)

I turned my face farther into the fabrics and startled when I realized that I
could
smell him. My hand clenched the cushion near my head and brought it to me. It didn’t smell like the overwhelmingly wonderful scent that lingered on his skin, but it had the faint smell of him that lingered in his house. It smelled like his home, and to me, that smell was more binding than the childhood feeling I’d gotten at my parents’ house.

He was my home…and I missed him terribly.

Anna came out of the bathroom as I was inhaling the chair and, feeling stupid, I dropped my hands to my lap and looked out the window again.

“Are you okay, Kiera?” she asked quietly.

“I’ll be fine, Anna,” I answered indirectly.

She bit her perfect red lip and looked like she wanted to talk about something. Then she shook her head and asked, “Do you mind if I borrow the car, since you’re staying here?”

“No…go ahead.” I often let her take it when I didn’t need it, and aside from work and school, I rarely needed it.

She sighed and coming over to me, kissed my head softly. “Don’t mope all night.”

I smiled up at her warmly. “Sure thing, Mom.”
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She laughed charmingly and grabbed the keys off the counter in the kitchen. She said goodnight before quickly leaving. She didn’t take a coat and I shook my head at her. I traced the fabric of the chair under my fingers and wondered what to do.

I briefly considered calling Denny. Brisbane was seventeen hours ahead of Seattle, and he would be in the middle of his Saturday afternoon. He would probably answer at this hour, but I was reluctant to talk to him. Not that I had any qualms about calling him, we talked frequently, and had moved into a “friendly exes” stage. No, what made me hesitate was the fact that last month he’d told me that he’d asked a girl out on a date. At first I’d been hurt, then surprised that he’d mention such a personal fact to me, but I’d settled on happy. He should date. He should be happy. He was too wonderful to be anything else.

The next few phone calls from him included brief snippets about her and, as of last week, they were still together and doing well. I knew that was a good thing, and a part of me was thrilled for him, but I was feeling really lonely tonight and I didn’t want the happy tone of his voice reminding me just how unhappy I was. Besides, he really shouldn’t be getting calls on the weekend from his “ex” if he was seeing someone new.

And he was probably with her right now, playing in the ocean or lying on the beach. I wondered briefly if they were kissing, right at this moment. Then I wondered if they were sleeping together, and I clenched my stomach and forced myself to not think about it. It didn’t matter if they were…we’d let each other go in that respect. Of course, that didn’t mean I liked the thought.

I ended up curling up on Kellan’s chair with a warm blanket and watching a sad movie - one where the hero dies and everyone is broken, but endures their grief to make his sacrifice mean something. I was blubbering long before the actual death scene.

My eyes were red and raw and I’m sure my nose was dripping like a faucet, when the door to my apartment suddenly banged open. I spun my head to look at the door, alarmed, and then brought my brows together in confusion when I saw my sister standing there.

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“Anna…are you okay?” She strode over to me and without a word, yanked me off the chair. “Anna! What are you…?” The words were halted as she pulled me forcefully to the bathroom.

She cleaned me up, and slapped on some lipstick and brushed my hair, while I sputtered inquisitions and tried to hold her back. My sister doesn’t give up easily though, and she had me cleaned up and was shoving me towards the front door, before I even really knew what was going on.

I realized she was absconding with me, as she opened the door. I muttered, no, and braced myself on the doorframe. She sighed and I looked back at her, irritated. She leaned into me and very intently said,

“You need to see something.”

That confused me so much that I dropped my hands and she successfully shoved me out of the door. She dragged me to Denny’s Honda as I sulked and pouted. I didn’t want to go dancing with her. I wanted to go back to my cave of perpetual mourning, and finish my sad movie. At least that movie made my life seem cheery in comparison.

She sat me in the car and pointed at me harshly to stay put. I sighed and sank back into the familiar seats, sort of wishing the car still felt like Denny, and sort of glad nearly all trace of him was gone from the vehicle. It was now littered with lip gloss, empty shoe boxes, and a spare Hooters uniform.

I crossed my arms over my chest and pouted while my sister got in and drove us away. As she didn’t take any of the roads that would take us towards the Square, where most of the clubs were, I started wondering where we were going. When we got onto a road that was so familiar it made my chest hurt, I started panicking. I knew exactly where she was taking me on this Friday night.

“No, Anna…please. I don’t want to go there. I can’t see him, I can’t listen to him.” I clutched at her arm and tried to physically turn the wheel, but she batted me away effortlessly.

“Calm down, Kiera. Remember…I’m doing the thinking for you now, and there is something that you need to witness. Something I should
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have showed you awhile ago. Something that even
I
hope to someday…” Her voice trailed off as she stared out the windows, almost longingly.

The look was so odd on her that for a moment, I forgot my protests.

They swelled up again in my chest as we pulled into the parking lot of Pete’s. She shut the car off and I stared at the familiar black Chevelle. My heart was thudding in my chest.

“I’m scared,” I whispered into the silence of the car.

She grabbed my hand and squeezed it. “I’m here with you, Kiera.” I looked over at her perfectly beautiful face and smiled at the love I saw there. I nodded and jarringly opened the door to step out. She was at my side again almost instantly and holding my hand tightly, she walked me through the inviting double doors.

I didn’t know what to expect. A part of me thought everything would somehow be different in my absence, like maybe every wall would be black now, and the cheery lighting would be dull and dingy gray. But I was startled when I stepped through, and saw that everything was exactly the same…even the people.

Rita did a double take when she noticed me, then gave me a suggestive wink and smiled devilishly. Apparently she knew about the affair, and since I’d joined her “I’ve had sex with Kellan Kyle club”, we were now bonded. Kate waved to me from where she was waiting for a drink at the counter, her perfect ponytail bouncing in her happiness. And Jenny was almost instantly in front of me, squeezing me tight and laughing about how good it was to see me out and about…and here. She glanced at the stage when she said that and I shut my eyes to not look. I couldn’t stop hearing though; his voice shot right through my core.

Jenny leaned into my ear when she noticed my reaction, and said over the music, “It will be okay, Kiera…have faith.” I opened my eyes and stared at her smiling warmly at me. I felt my sister pulling my hand and Jenny, seemingly understanding what Anna was doing, grabbed my other hand. They both started weaving me into the massive crowd that
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packed Pete’s on the weekends, when the band played, and I instinctively tugged against them.

Insistently they dragged me forward, all the way forward. We pushed through the crowd and I kept my eyes focused on my feet, not wanting to look at him yet. It had been so long… It had been even longer since I’d heard his voice though, and it traveled all the way from my ears, down my spine, to the very bottom of my toes.

My breath hitched as the next song started while we inched through the packed bar. It was slow and haunting and dripping with emotion.

His voice had an ache to it that seared me. I glanced slyly at the people we were passing, and watched them sing along to the song with solemn faces. They knew it, so it wasn’t new. Still not looking at the stage, I let his timbre affect every cell in my body. He was singing about that night in the parking lot, I suddenly realized. He sang of needing me and feeling ashamed for it. He sang of trying to leave me and it breaking him. He sang about crying, as we gave each other our final kiss… Then, the lyrics turned to what he was feeling now.

That’s when I looked up at him.

His eyes were closed. He hadn’t noticed me approaching him yet.

After not seeing him for months, his perfection was almost too much to take in all at once, like I’d go blind if I didn’t absorb him in segments.

Just the jeans - those perfectly fitted faded jeans that looked a little more worn than usual. Just the basic t-shirt that he preferred to wear - not decorated, not elaborate – simple, black, and perfectly sculpted to him. Just the delightfully toned arms, the left one completely healed and no longer casted, slinking down to strong hands that clutched the microphone while he sang. Just the impossibly sexy and wild hair, a little longer than I remembered it, but still a tousled mess, hinting at multiple past intimacies that rang loudly in my head, and in my body. Just that movie star jaw, that for the first time had light stubble along it, like he’d given up on the task of staying groomed - it only highlighted that strong right angle and made him even more impossibly attractive, crazy as that sounds. Just the full lips, holding no trace of the sexy grin he usually sang with. Just the slope of his nose. Just the perfect cheekbones. Just the long eyelashes of his closed lids, hiding the amazing blueness behind them.

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I had to take everything about him in separately at first; he was just too perfect to take in all at once. When I could handle it, I finally noted the fact that the perfection was unmarred. His face was perfectly healed, and no sign of the physical trauma he’d endured was with him. But, looking at that face as a whole, was affecting me in an unexpected way.

My breath came in stuttered pulls and my heart squeezed painfully, as Jenny and Anna drew me towards him relentlessly.

His eyes were still closed and his body rocked gently to the music, but his face was almost…desolate. His words matched his face, as he sang about how each day was a struggle, and never seeing my face caused him physical pain. He sang that ‘my face was his light, and he felt drenched in darkness without it’. Tears fell freely after I heard that line.

Jenny and Anna successfully pulled me right to a spot in front of him.

Some rabid fans didn’t like that, but my sister was not one to be messed with, and after some flowery words from her, they left us alone. I barely noticed, as I stared up at his god-like perfection.

Eyes still closed, he sang of being beside me, even if I couldn’t see or hear him. He sang of being scared of never again feeling me, never again feeling what we had. A long instrumental section followed his last verse and, eyes still closed, he rocked his head back and forth, biting his lip.

Some girls around me screamed at that, but it was so clear to me that he wasn’t trying to seduce anyone, he was in pain. I wondered if thoughts of me, of our time together, were flashing before his eyes, like they were flashing before mine.

I wanted to reach my hand out to him, but he was too far away to touch, and Jenny and Anna still had a hold of me, maybe fearing I would bolt. I couldn’t move now though. Not when he was filling my eyes, my ears, and my heart. I could only stare at him, enraptured.

I didn’t even notice the other members of the band, and I didn’t know if they noticed me. I barely noticed the crowd anymore as I watched him, and after another minute, I barely even noticed the feeling of Jenny and my sister’s eyes boring into me. Eventually I couldn’t even feel their hands anymore, and I didn’t even have it in me to wonder if they’d finally let go.

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When the instrumental section came to a close, he finally reopened his inhumanly beautiful eyes. He happened to be looking down at me, and my face was the first thing he took in when he opened them. I felt the shock run through his body, even from where I was standing. The deep blue eyes widened and instantly glassed over. His mouth fell open and his body stopped moving. He seemed to be completely thrown, like he’d woken up in a different universe. His eyes locked onto mine, as tears flowed down my cheeks.

He sang the next lyrics with his brows scrunched, like he was sure he was dreaming. The rest of the band was quiet on this section, and his voice rang clearly through the bar, through my soul. He repeated the line about me being his light, a look of reverence on his face. His voice drifted off along with the music, but his look of awe never left him.

I didn’t know how to respond, other than with tears. I wiped a few away as I realized that my hands were indeed free. I could understand what Anna had wanted me to see now. That was the most beautiful, heartbreaking thing I’d ever heard; more intense and emotional than anything I’d ever heard him sing. My whole body was buzzing with the need to comfort him. But we were still just staring at each other, him on the stage, and me on the floor in front of it.

The fans stirred with an uneasy energy, as the guys waited for Kellan to signal the next song and he didn’t. An unnatural silence filled the bar as we continued our silent stare down. From the corner of my eye, I saw Matt lean toward Kellan and whisper something, smacking his arm lightly. Kellan didn’t react, just kept staring at me with his mouth open slightly. I was positive several fans were staring and wondering about me, as I had his rapt attention, but I didn’t care for once. My only focus was him.

Eventually, Evan’s voice broke through the sound system. “Hey, everybody. We’re gonna take a breather. Until then…Griffin’s buying a round for everyone!” The bar erupted in whooping, as something streaked behind Kellan to where Evan was sitting at his drums. Laughter broke out around me and I barely heard it.

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The crowd dispersed a little bit, as three of the D-Bags hopped off the stage and melted into it. Kellan still didn’t move though. His brow creased as he regarded me intently and nerves shot through me. Why wasn’t he jumping down and scooping me into his arms? His song made it seem like he ached for me…but his actions?