Thoughtless (60 page)

tracking my heartbeat and made my way to the bathroom, dragging the IV bag attached to its movable stand with me.

Once in the bathroom, I was sorry I’d moved. I looked atrocious. My wavy hair was a mess of curls and snarls, and the right side of my face from my eyebrow to my cheekbone was a horrid black and blue color.

My eyes were bloodshot from what felt like days of crying, and my face had a permanent look of desolation.

I’d done it. I’d successfully pushed away two wonderful men. My desire to hurt neither of them, ended up hurting them both. I’d pushed Denny into doing something that was so out of character for him, I could barely contemplate it. The look on his face as he’d struck Kellan repeatedly… I’d never have guessed that side of him was in there, buried deep, waiting to explode one day. I suppose we all have our buttons, our triggers that pushed hard enough, would make even the calmest person flip.

And Kellan, always the passionate one, if I hadn’t beaten him down so much, he would have reacted much differently to Denny’s outburst.

Possibly he’d have fought back. Possibly with an even worse outcome.

But it all came down to me…me and my multiple poor decisions and indecisiveness.

I used the bathroom as quickly as a sore person could, and shuffled back to my bed. Curling into a ball, I wondered what I was going to do now. I didn’t come up with anything and my eyes slowly reclosed from pain and exhaustion, and I fell back asleep.

I woke briefly throughout the night when the nurse, Cindy, I’m assuming, since I was too groggy with sleep to ask, checked my vitals and reattached me to my annoying beeping machine. I didn’t fully wake until the next morning when the bright and cheery Susie returned.

“Here she is, sweetie. Oh, and she’s awake too. Great!” She came over to check my vitals and handed me some pills for the pain, which was a bit better today. I barely registered the plump, merry woman though, since my eyes were mainly focused on the beautiful vision of a woman beside her.

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“Hey, sis,” Anna whispered, as she sat at the foot of the bed. Her long hair was back to its traditional near-black, shiny luxuriousness, and she had it pulled into an adorably high ponytail. The sweater she wore was royal blue and tight enough to reveal all of her marvelous curves, and for once, I didn’t care how plain I looked beside her. I only cared that someone I loved was here with me.

My eyes watered as the nurse went about her business. I thought I heard her murmur something about “lunch is in an hour and you should try eating today”, before she shuffled out the door. My mind momentarily registered that it was almost lunchtime already, and then focused back on Anna, still gazing at me with perfectly green, but sad, eyes.

Just when I was about to ask her what she was doing here, she spoke softly, “Those boys really did a number on you, didn’t they?” I cringed, knowing she must know everything then. She shook her head lightly and then with a sigh, stood and wrapped me in a hug. “Really, Kiera…what were you thinking? Getting in-between a fight?” I choked back a sob and muttered, “I wasn’t…obviously.” She held me for a moment, and then crawled into the bed bedside me, snuggling up to the side of me that wasn’t attached to an IV. She held my hand tightly in hers and put her head on my shoulder. “Well, I’m here to do the thinking for you from now on,” she muttered into my shoulder and I smiled softly at her comment, relaxing into her warmth.

“I love you, sis, and I’m so glad you’re here…but what are you doing here?” I hoped that didn’t sound disingenuous. I really was thrilled to see her.

She pulled back to look at me. “Denny. He called after the…accident.” Her eyes narrowed as she looked me over. “You’re lucky he got me and not Mom or Dad. Your broken butt would be on a plane back home by now.”

I cringed again at that thought. No, it was probably better if my parents never knew about this. “Well, don’t you have a job or something back there?”

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She cocked an eyebrow at me. “Trying to get rid of me?” I was already shaking my head no, and clutching her arm to keep her near me, when she chuckled. “No…I’ve been between jobs. Honestly, I think Mom will be glad to have me off her couch for awhile, and what better place to find work then way out West with my self-destructive sister?” She beamed at me, as what she was saying registered in my slow head.

“Wait…you’re staying in Seattle?”

She shrugged and then put her head back on my shoulder. “I
was
just going to make sure your stupid ass was okay, but then I heard that you needed a place to stay and thought maybe I could find a job out here and we could be roommates. At least until your school is over with.” She looked up at me with a stunningly beautiful and playful expression. “Do you think Hooters is hiring? I bet the guys there tip crazy-good.” I rolled my eyes at my capricious sister, and then narrowed them at her. “How did you know I needed a place to live? Kellan only told me that yesterday…”

Her face went blank and she sort of looked like a deer in headlights, a painfully attractive deer in headlights. “Shit. I wasn’t supposed to mention that. Damn, he’s gonna be pissed.” She shrugged again. “Oh well.” She sat back on the pillow and I turned to look at her better, curious over what she was talking about.

“I ran into Kellan downstairs. He told me what was going on. He told me that he asked you to leave.” She raised her eyebrow again. “He looks like shit, by the way. Hot shit, but shit nonetheless. Denny really did that to him?”

I was nodding at her without really thinking about it. “Kellan is still here…at the hospital?” I kind of figured he’d written me off and gone home to dwell with a bottle of Jack, and maybe even a girl…or two.

She sighed and tucked some hair behind my ear, her fingers staying on the gross bruise I knew covered part of my face. “He’s crazy in love with you, Kiera. He won’t leave the hospital. He wanders around downstairs, drinking coffee, and waiting to hear if your condition has changed.” She removed her hand and tucked it under her cheek on the pillow. “Some of
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the nurses up here were even talking about him when I came up. Apparently, he’s charmed quite a few and they tell him things about you when he comes up here every once and awhile.” She rolled her eyes. “There’s some serious crushing going on in that nurses’ station.” I blushed at that and turned to stare at the ceiling. I tried to picture where he might be in the hospital, feel his warmth, even through our distance. All I could feel was the dull ache in my head and the greater ache in my heart. “He’s not coming back in here…is he?” Anna sighed heavily and I turned again to look at her almost glistening eyes. “No,” she whispered. “He said it’s too hard. He needs space.” She scrunched her brow in a too cute expression of confusion. “He said he needed a minute.” She shrugged, like she didn’t understand that.

I closed my eyes. I did. Our code…he needed a break…from me. How badly had I hurt him this time? Bad enough for him to finally stay away…sort of. Even though I was chilled with loneliness at forcing two men away from me, it warmed me that he still cared enough to stay somewhat close to me.

I opened my eyes at my sister’s voice; it was completely serious for once. “Really, what were you thinking, Kiera…carrying on with two men?” Her voice lost its seriousness for a second as her lips twisted in a wry smile. “Did you learn nothing from the John and Ty fiasco?” I smiled at her brief love triangle and then frowned, remembering my own. “I certainly never planned it, Anna. I just… I got…” I sighed heavily and felt tears sting my eyes, “…overwhelmed.” She held me close and kissed my head. “You’re such an idiot, Kiera.” I pulled back to look at her, irritation probably clear on my face, and she gave me an amused grin. “Don’t shoot the messenger. You’ve got to know how badly you messed things up.” She touched my head, almost for emphasis.

Humility tumbled through me and I shut my eyes again. “I know…I’m an idiot.”

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She hugged me as my tears started to spill over my cheeks. “Well, you’re still my little sister, and I still love you.” She sighed as I cried on her shoulder. “I always told you to stick to books and not people. People just aren’t your thing.”

Says the Queen of Broken Hearts, I thought, a little unfairly.

Almost as if she heard my thoughts, she pulled away to look at me.

“I’m not saying I’m a role model or anything, but, at least I never promise the guys…anything. And you promised them both, didn’t you?” I nodded and brought my hands to my face as a sob of guilt and grief filled me. She held me and rubbed my back. “It’s okay…it will be okay.

You’re just young. You’re young and inexperienced, and Kellan is hotter than all fuck.”

I stiffened a bit and looked up at her, shaking my head. She interpreted for me. “I know…it was more than that. I have noticed his softer side. I have noticed the melancholy, the pain he tries to hide, the intensity in his music. I’m guessing he’s pretty deep. I’m guessing he’s pretty emotional, and I’m guessing he was pretty damn hard to resist.” I sighed and slumped against her, happy that at least she understood that it had nothing to do with his looks…not really. She rubbed my back and again whispered that everything would be okay. We were silent for a long time, until she finally sighed and pulled away from me. “You must have hated me when I came to visit.” She shook her head a little on the pillow. “Me all over Kellan like that.” I opened my mouth and remembering that horrid visit, when I’d assumed the worst about her and Kellan, I had to try again to speak, when nothing came out the first time. “No,” I finally whispered. “I never hated you. I hated him.” She looked at me funny, and I continued on with my explanation. “He led me to believe that the two of you slept together.” Her eyes widened then looked a little fiery. “He what?” Her tone relaxed along with her face. “Wait…is that why you avoided talking to me for so long? God, I thought I’d offended you, by grabbing Denny’s butt at the airport.”

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I giggled at her and felt relieved that I could still laugh about certain things. “No, that was funny.” I sighed as I watched her perfectly emerald eyes stare back at me. “Don’t be mad at Kellan. He was hurt and angry, and wanting to torture me. You were just the easiest way. I didn’t know you slept with Griffin until much later.” I pulled back and narrowed my eyes at her. “Griffin…really?”

She bit her lip and squealed a little. “God, do I finally get to tell you that story. You know I’ve been dying, right?” I blushed three shades of red, as she proceeded to tell me everything…and god, I mean
everything
that they had done that night. My stomach hurt a little bit at the end, but I managed a weak smile. She sighed and cuddled into me. After a moment, she said, “You know I’d never have even touched Kellan, if you’d have told me what was going on…right?”

I sighed and hugged her back. “I know…you understand why I couldn’t say anything?”

She shook her head. “No…well, maybe.” She kissed my head. “I love you, Kiera.”

She cuddled with me until my lunch came, and then she perked up and started going on about wanting to find a job and an apartment for us, something cute with a view of the water. I sighed as I started in on my bland Jell-O. Of anyone in Seattle, my sister would be able to get both a job and an apartment by sundown. She kissed my head and told me she’d be back when she had good news. Truly, I expected her back any time.

I slept more after lunch and woke when the nurse checked on me, then fell back asleep. I wasn’t sure if sleepiness was a side effect of the accident, the meds they had me on, or the overwhelming fact that I didn’t want to deal with my life right now.

But life wasn’t quite leaving me alone. Denny came back in that evening, and he smiled briefly when he saw I looked a little better, well, more aware anyway.

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“Hey.” He leaned down, like he was going to kiss my lips, and then he seemed to remember why he shouldn’t and kissed my forehead instead.

Habits…they can be so hard to break.

He sat at a chair next to the bed, and not beside me this time. I got the feeling he was distancing himself, preparing himself for the final break that we both knew was coming. His eyes lingered on the bruise on my face, while we spoke of semi-important things - he put in his notice at the job he hated, his parents were thrilled that he was coming home, sad that I wasn’t coming with him, and he was leaving his car for me, since he couldn’t afford to ship it.

That last piece of information startled me, and he looked over my quickly tearing up face. “I know you’ll take good care of it, Kiera.” His accent was warm and soft, and for a moment, just a moment, I missed him while he was still sitting there.

I wanted to speak of the important things - the accident, the guilt I knew he felt whenever he looked at me, the guilt I felt whenever I looked at him, the love I still felt between us, even if it was a different kind of love now, the affair…

I didn’t though. I was too tired, too weak, and I just couldn’t handle another heartbreaking conversation while hooked up to that damn beeping monitor, that was slowly driving me to madness. Instead, we left things only on the semi-important topics. I told him about Anna dropping everything to move out here with me and that right now, she was job and apartment hunting. He seemed to agree with me that she’d find something in no time.

His eyebrows lifted when I talked about moving in with Anna, and I could tell he wanted to ask about Kellan. Whatever they had discussed between themselves, Kellan must not have told him, or known himself at the time, that he’d be asking me to leave. That he’d be breaking up with me too. Denny didn’t ask though. Maybe he was too afraid of my answer. Maybe he’d be too tempted to stay, if I told him Kellan and I really weren’t anything anymore. Then again, maybe he just didn’t care enough to make himself ask.

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Denny stayed with me until Anna came back later in the evening. She gave him a reserved hug, which confused me at first; Anna was usually more exorbitant in her affections. But when she glanced at my face, I understood. He’d hurt me and that lowered him quite a few pegs in her eyes. I should talk with her about that, since technically he hadn’t been trying to hurt me, and he really couldn’t be blamed for my stupid actions. Like she said, I was the idiot.