Thoughtless (57 page)

His eyes not leaving mine, Denny spoke over to Kellan, “Hey, mate. I think we should all go out. How about The Shack? We could go dancing again?” His accent inflected oddly on the word dancing. My heart jumped. Why would he want to go back there? I forced my eyes back to my plate.

I could hear Kellan shifting uncomfortably. “Yeah… sure,” he said quietly.

My heart started to race and I kept my head down, concentrating on my food and my breathing. This was not good…not good at all.

Kellan turned and took his beer to his room. Denny and I finished our awkward meal in silence, his eyes never straying far from mine.

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Finishing before him, I mumbled something about getting ready and stumbled my way upstairs to prepare for a night that I felt would be as equally horrific as the last time we had all gone there together.

Kellan’s door was closed as I passed it and I briefly wondered if I should pop in and explain why I had chickened out in talking to Denny today. I couldn’t though. I wasn’t ready for that conversation either. I sighed and went to the bathroom to rearrange my hair, redo my makeup

- anything to stop my mind from spinning.

Finally in the car ride over, Denny broke his hours long silence. “Have you decided what you want to do for winter break?” he asked, an oddly flat tone in his accented voice. He looked over to me and his expression softened for the first time all day, moisture glistening in his eyes. “I’d really like to take you home with me…over the holidays. Will you think about it, Kiera?” His voice wavered a bit on my name.

I clearly heard the real question he was asking me: Will you choose me? I could only nod at him, moisture stinging my own eyes as well. I turned to look out the window at the city flying by me. That was how my insides felt, that I was flying towards something, and it was too late to stop it.

Denny and I beat Kellan there. He seemed to be delaying the inevitable weirdness, I wished I could. Denny pulled us straight through the bar, to the doors leading to the beer garden in back. I noticed a sign on the door as he opened it, “Winter fest – beat the chill”. Apparently we were celebrating the iciness in the air.

Even though the weather was really too chilly to just sit around and drink beer, there were a lot of people outside and Denny led me to the same table as the last fateful time we were here. I had no idea if he did that deliberately or not. My eyes flicked back to the gate, back to the espresso stand. Did he know about that night? I tried to force my stomach to stop turning. He ordered drinks for the three of us and we sipped our beers in silence, Denny looking thoughtful.

My breath inadvertently caught when Kellan walked out of the bar. I hadn’t meant for it to happen. I prayed Denny didn’t see it happen. He was just so…breathtaking. He walked smoothly to our table, his eyes
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oddly at peace. He even smiled over at Denny while he took a seat by me. My heart sped a little, part nerves, part from his nearness.

The bar was busy, the music coming from speakers all around the beer garden loud, and several people were out on the make-shift dance floor having a good time in the approaching-frigid air. I hoped Denny wasn’t serious about the dancing, I didn’t think I could fake that right now, the way my heart and stomach were flopping around. I watched the drunken people warming their bodies with physical movement, while I started to shiver a bit from the cold. Again I wondered why Denny sat us out here, and not inside the warm bar. I put my cold hands in my lap, resisting the instinct to reach under the table and grab Kellan’s.

I don’t know how long we sat there in silence, Kellan and I watching the crowd, but studiously ignoring each other, Denny watching me intently, but eventually, Denny’s work phone rang. Startled, I looked over at him while he smoothly picked it up. He spoke a few sentences then closed it. Sighing, he looked over to me.

“I’m sorry. They need me to come in.” Looking over me to Kellan, he said, “Can you take her home? I have to go.” Kellan simply nodded and Denny stood to leave. I was too shocked by the turn of events to speak properly. Denny leaned down to me. “Will you think about what I asked?” he said quietly. I mumbled an okay and grabbing my cheeks in both hands, he kissed me so deeply that I groaned and instinctively brought my hands up to his neck. My heart raced and I was slightly breathless as he pulled away.

Kellan shifted noisily in his chair and for a second, I had a horrifying image of Kellan starting something with
him
. He cleared his throat and shifted in his chair again as Denny said goodbye to both of us and turning, left the bar. I watched him leave, my heart still racing. His beautiful face turned once at the door, to give me a final glance goodbye. He nodded a little and smiled fractionally when he saw me still watching him, and then he entered the bar to leave out the front doors.

I numbly turned my head to look over at Kellan. Would he be mad at me for that? Would he be mad at me for not talking to Denny today?

Surely he could understand how hard this was for me. Meeting his gaze however, I only saw love in his eyes.

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He grabbed my hand under the table and started talking, as if we had been on a date the entire evening and my boyfriend had not just thoroughly kissed me and left the bar.

“I was wondering…since you probably don’t want to take me home to your parents yet,” he paused and looked at me meaningfully, “which I completely understand.” He smiled. “Maybe you’d like to spend winter break with me here? Or we could go up to Whistler? Canada is beautiful and…” He stopped and looked at me curiously. “Do you ski?” He shook his head, not waiting for a response from me, which was good, since I couldn’t form words yet. “Well, if not…we don’t have to leave our room.” He grinned wickedly at me.

I was staring at his blue eyes and I was hearing his words…but I wasn’t seeing him, and I wasn’t absorbing what he was saying, other than he wanted to spend winter break with me. Unknowingly, he was asking me the same thing Denny just had. Kellan continued going on and on about what we could do in Canada and I tuned him out.

My mind started thinking about what Denny had asked in the car.

Denny wanted to take me home with him to meet his parents, before we moved over there. Only, that wasn’t the plan any more. We would be over by then, we would be over soon, and he would go home alone. I swallowed painfully and my mind tortured me, by allowing every memory I had of him to flood through me.

I remembered our first meeting. He had been smiling at all the students as they walked in and my breath caught when I saw him. I blushed slightly and looked down when his smile turned to me. The professor had him pass out some papers to the class, and as I was sitting on the edge of the row, he handed me a large stack to pass down to the others beside me.

“Hello. Enjoying the class so far?” he said quietly, and the surprise over hearing his delightful accent, and honestly, having his attractive face so close to mine, had caused me to clumsily drop the entire stack of papers to the floor.

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“I’m so sorry,” I said, as I knelt down beside him to help him pick them up, my face surely bright red.

“It’s okay,” he said sweetly. When we were all finished, he stuck his hand out. “My name’s Denny Harris.”

I blushed again and shook his hand. “Kiera…Allen,” I mumbled.

He helped me stand up and carefully re-handed me the stack. “It’s nice to meet you, Kiera.” He had said it warmly, and even now I remembered the thrill of hearing his accent curl around my name that first time. I hadn’t been able to take my eyes off of him after that day. I’d had to work extra hard paying attention in that class.

I remembered our first date. He had asked me one afternoon in the quad. I had been completely surprised and definitely eager. I tried to keep a smooth face though, as I’d casually said “sure”. He picked me up that night and we went to a very nice restaurant overlooking the river.

He suggested something good to eat, but let me make my own choice.

He never even let me see the bill, and we had an amazingly easy conversation all throughout dinner. Afterwards he held my hand, and we walked down the sidewalk talking casually, neither one of us wanting the evening to end. When it did end, he walked me to my door and gave me the softest, sweetest kiss that anyone had ever given me. I think I fell for him on that night.

My awareness jerked back to the present when Kellan asked me a question, and I didn’t respond right away. I finally heard the question on his second attempt. “Kiera…did I lose you?” I blushed, realizing I had no idea what he’d been talking about. He was still sweetly stroking my hand with his thumb, but was looking at me concernedly. “Are you all right? Do you want to go home?”

I nodded, still feeling unable to speak. We stood and he led me with a hand comfortingly on my back to the side exit in the gate. Immediately upon seeing the parking lot, I looked for Denny’s car where he had parked it. It was gone…he was really gone. Unintentionally, I glanced over to the fateful espresso stand. Kellan noticed my gaze and squeezing my hand, looked down on me, smiling softly as the gate closed behind us. But seeing the stand didn’t take my mind back to Kellan, and our
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night of tortured bliss. It took me back to a simpler, purer time…with Denny.

I remembered our first time together…my first time ever. We had been dating for two months. For a guy in his early twenties, that was an eternity, but he never pushed me. We would kiss and do…other things…for as long as I wanted, but the second I pushed him away, he happily retreated. He never once made me feel guilty about it, which of course, had only made me want him more. He knew it was my first time and he made it special for me. He rented a cabin and we had spent a long winter weekend there. Our first time had been the stuff of movie magic – warm fireplace, soft blankets, and quiet music. He took his time with me, making sure I was completely comfortable with every step…which I was. He had been so amazingly gentle and tender, it hadn’t even hurt. Afterwards, he’d held me tight to his chest, and told me that he loved me for the first time and I, of course, started to cry and told him that I loved him too…which promptly led to our second time.

Back in the real world, Kellan was leading me to his car. He was still talking softly to me. His topic had changed to what we could do this summer. “After high school, I hitch-hiked down the Oregon coast. That’s actually how I met Evan. Anyway, we should go, you would love it.

There are these caves…”

I tuned him out. Step after step was barraging me with more heartfelt memories of Denny.

We took two steps towards the car - memories of birthdays, the latest being my twenty-first, when he had taken me to a local bar and sweetly held my hair back when I got very, very ill. Memories of Christmases past, at my parent’s house, snuggled on his lap watching my family exchange gifts. Memories of a dozen red roses given to me on Valentine’s Day…and my birthday…and our anniversary, all with the sweetest goofy grin on his face.

Another step - memories of getting food poisoning, and having him wipe my forehead with a cold rag and bring me water. Memories of him trying out new recipes on me, most of them really good, a couple astoundingly bad. Memories of snuggling in his bed and watching a
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movie. Memories of studying together for school…and promptly making out instead.

Another few steps - more current memories of traveling across the country in his beat-up car, tossing fries at each other, playing the license plate alphabet game for hours, singing along with the radio and thoroughly enjoying the twangy country songs through the mid-west, taking a quick dip in an ice cold river to freshen up, making love in his car at an empty rest stop.

One more step - walking along the pier, falling asleep with him on the couch, dancing together at the bar, him sappily calling me his heart…

Another step - the soft hair along his jaw line, his warm brown eyes, running my fingers through his dark hair, his soft lips, his alluring accent, his gentle words, his goofy grin, his good humor, his good nature, his good soul…

He was my comfort. He was my solace. Nearly everything I had faced in my young life, I had gotten through because of him, because he was always there for me, with soft words and a tender heart. Would I have that with Kellan? I remembered all of our heated fights, the words we used to hurt each other with. Denny and I rarely said unkind things to one another…but with Kellan…

What would happen in a relationship with him? Surely, we’d eventually have disagreements and they might be very vocal. I thought back over the course of our entire relationship and what flooded my brain was an image of a roller coaster - up and down, up and down - flying from one extreme to the next. Is that what being with him would be like?

Always shifting from high to low, low to high? Could I live a life happily that way?

I liked constant. I liked safe. It was one of the reasons Denny and I clicked so well. He was a cooling lake: supportive, refreshing and most of all, never changing. Kellan…Kellan was fire: passionate, emotional and searing to the core. But fire didn’t last…passion eventually fades…and then what? Kellan had so many options available to him.

Surely one day, when that passion had faded, and no matter how much he loved me, he would cave to one of the beautiful women always
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flocking to him. I mean, gorgeous girls were constantly throwing themselves on him. I wasn’t physically special, even if he insisted I was beautiful. And he was talented, he could really make it big one day. Then what? The women already flocking, would quadruple in size. How could he possibly resist them all…forever? That would never happen with Denny, of that I was sure, but with Kellan… I knew he would hate himself, but it seemed, possible.

I stopped walking. I yanked my hand away from Kellan and he stopped walking too. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t leave the man who had been my life for so long, that I couldn’t even contemplate my life without him in it. At least…I couldn’t yet. I needed more time. I needed to be sure that Kellan and I had something that could work, before I threw away a promising future with a good man that I did love deeply.