Thoughtless (27 page)

He did let one laugh escape. “Yes, I know – I know exactly what you meant.” I roughly pushed him away and went back upstairs. That had not gone well at all.

That afternoon, I had a few hours to kill after school before Denny came home from work. I was desperately tired. I hadn’t been sleeping well. Denny and Kellan and guilt and passion…all of it kept spinning
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through my head, making sleep nearly impossible. If something didn’t change soon, I was going to implode from the stress. I was sitting in the middle of the couch staring blankly at the television, lost in these deep thoughts, when I felt the cushion beside me compress. Knowing who it was, I instinctively tried to stand without even looking his way. He grabbed my arm however and pulled me back down. I looked over at a very amused Kellan. He grinned widely at my reluctance to sit next to him. I was too tired for this right now…

Irritated at his grin, I stubbornly stayed put on the couch, crossing my arms across my chest. He softened his smile while he gazed at me and I looked away. Feeling his arms wrap around my shoulders, I stiffened but refused to pull away, not wanting to amuse him anymore today. This morning’s embarrassment was still fresh in my head. Gently, he started pulling me down to his lap.

Shocked, and angry at his seemingly crude innuendo, I jerked away and glared icily at him. He startled in surprise, furrowing his brow before relaxing and laughing at my reaction. He pointed to his lap. “Lie down…you look tired.” He raised an eyebrow at me and smiled suggestively. “But if you wanted to, I wouldn’t stop you.” I frowned, embarrassed at my assumption, and elbowed him in the ribs for his comment. He grunted and laughed again. “So stubborn…” he mocked, as he pulled me down into his lap again.

Still feeling foolish about what I had thought he had wanted me to do, I let him lie me down. He gazed at me as I flopped down onto my back.

He was quite comfortable and I was extremely tired. He lightly stroked my hair, nearly instantly relaxing me.

“See…that wasn’t so bad, was it?” His blue eyes watched me, almost wistfully. He gazed at me in silence for a few minutes before he spoke again. “Can I ask you something, without you getting angry?” I immediately tensed, but nodded. He watched his fingers running through my hair as he asked, “Was Denny the only man you’d been with?”

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Irritation flashed through me. Why would he want to know that?

“Kellan, I don’t see how that’s…”

His gaze met mine and he cut me off. “Just answer the question.” His eyes were almost sad, his voice soft with some emotion.

Confused, I answered without thinking about it. ”Yes…until you, yes.

He was my first…”

He nodded, considering that while continuing to stroke my hair. I felt like I should blush or be embarrassed, answering such a personal question, but I wasn’t. I suppose there wasn’t much about my body that Kellan didn’t either already know, or could correctly guess.

“Why would you want to know that?” I asked softly.

He stopped playing with my hair for a moment, and then he continued, smiling softly, but not speaking. Silently he kept stroking my hair and eventually, I relaxed again. He seemed lost in thought, just gazing at me and smiling softly. I was suddenly struck with a flood of memories of being with him innocently like this while Denny had been away. The sweetness of that time brought tears to my eyes as I gazed up at him.

He frowned slightly and wiped away a tear. “Am I hurting you?” he asked softly.

“Daily…” I said, equally as soft.

He was silent for a few minutes, and then finally he spoke softly again,

“I’m not trying to hurt you. I’m sorry.”

Confused, I blurted out, “Then why are you? Why don’t you leave me alone?”

He frowned again. “Don’t you like this…being with me? Even…just a little?”

My heart hurt a little at that all-too confusing question. Finally I decided to just tell him the truth. “Yes, I do…but I can’t. I shouldn’t. It’s not right…to Denny.”

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He nodded, still frowning. “True…” he sighed and stopped stroking my hair. “I don’t want to hurt you…either of you.” He was silent for several minutes, looking thoughtfully at me. I couldn’t speak. I could only watch him, watch me. Finally he said, “I’ll leave it at this. Just flirting. I’ll try not to be inappropriate with you.” He sadly sighed. “Just friendly flirting, like we used to…”

I startled at that. “Kellan, I don’t think we should even…not since that night. Not since we’ve…”

He smiled, perhaps as the memory flooded through him, like it had just flooded through me, and stroked my cheek. “I need to be close to you, Kiera. This is the best compromise I can offer you.” He suddenly smiled wickedly and my heart rate spiked again at his raw sex appeal.

“Or, I could just take you right here on the couch.” I stiffened on his lap and he sighed. “I’m joking, Kiera.”

“No, no you’re not, Kellan. That’s the problem. If I said okay…” He smiled charmingly. “I would do, whatever you asked,” he whispered.

I swallowed and looked away, not entirely comfortable with this conversation. He ran a finger down my cheek, down my neck, along my collar bone and back down my waist. My breath quickened and I looked back at him sharply.

“Oops… sorry.” He grinned sheepishly. “I will try…” He went back to safely stroking my hair and eventually the repetitive motion lulled me to sleep. I woke hours later in my room, tucked under the covers. I prayed I was dressed and felt much to my relief that I was.

He wanted to still flirt with me, but nothing more? Was he capable of that? Was I? Was that betraying Denny…if it was just innocent? I wasn’t sure if it was possible, but, lying on the couch with him brought back so many wonderful memories of the way we used to be. If we could somehow get that back? The thought of freely touching him again gave me such a thrill though, that it concerned me.

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Denny walked into the bedroom as I was still considering Kellan and his flirting idea. I startled a bit at seeing him, still lost in my thoughts and not realizing what time it was, as I lay in bed. He looked over at me quizzically as he slipped off his shoes and stripped off his dress shirt.

“What are you doing?” he asked, with a small grin and a twinkle in his eye as he put on a more comfortable t-shirt.

Normally the sight of him changing, and the look he’d just given me, would have made me smile, but with where my thoughts had been, I actually blushed. It was an odd reaction for me to have towards him and he furrowed his brow as he sat on the edge of the bed.

“You okay?” He placed a hand on my forehead and then brushed aside some hair from my face. “Are you not feeling well again?” The move was so tender that it relaxed me and I sat up in bed and slung my arms around his neck. I sighed and clung to him a little tighter than normal. He rubbed my back and held me just as tight. “I’m fine…just napping.”

He pulled back to look at me lovingly and that was when I noticed how tired he looked. “Are you okay?” A slight panic went through me, but I pushed it back forcefully.

He sighed and shook his head. “Max. God, he’s an idiot, Kiera. If his uncle didn’t own the place, there’s no way he would work there. They’re doing this campaign for this retailer who-” He cut himself off and shook his head again. “Ugh, I don’t even want to think about it again.” He ran a hand down my hair and brought me in for a sweet kiss. “I just want to think about you…”

I ran a hand back through his hair as our kiss deepened a bit. He pulled back after another minute. “Are you hungry? If you want to stay and rest awhile longer, I’ll make us something to eat.” Smiling at his sweet offer, I ran a hand down his cheek. “No, I’ll come down with you.” He grabbed my hands and smiling, helped me to my feet. I watched the darkness of his hair and the nice shape of his body as I followed him down the stairs. How could I have ever been unfaithful to
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him? He was amazing. I swallowed the lump and reminded myself that it wasn’t going to happen again. I would never betray him again. Kellan had agreed to back off. Kellan and I were going back to our friendship.

Everything would be fine.

I decided to lie on the couch, and eventually the sounds of Denny making dinner lulled me into sleep. Great, I thought hazily before I let go, I’m never going to sleep tonight now. I was woken up by a pair of soft lips. Panic shot through me, as for a split second of sleep induced delirium - I had no idea whose lips they were. My hand had automatically gone to the face however and at feeling the light hairline, I relaxed.

Denny. That’s right. I had the night off from work, Denny was home from his long day, and Kellan was playing with the D-Bags at Razors.

They were probably already there, relaxing before the show.

Since I was never one to not take advantage of alone time with him in the past, he was…um, ready for me. It felt odd to me at first, because we hadn’t been together since my betrayal with Kellan, and I still felt so guilty, but after a few deep kisses on the couch and his hand slipping under my jeans, I let go of my guilt and enjoyed every inch of this beautiful, beautiful man.

The wonderful dinner he had prepared, was cold by the time we got around to eating it.

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11

Chapter

The Rules

I slept soundly that night, once I finally fell back asleep after my multiple naps throughout the day. Apparently the stress of never knowing what Kellan was going to do to me, and the guilt that came with it, had been the cause of my insomnia. Now that I knew how he was going to touch me and how he was not going to touch me, I felt good again. Maybe we could reclaim our friendship? Maybe I could stop betraying Denny? I could never undo what we had already done to him, and I would forever carry the guilt of that, but knowing that I wouldn’t be adding any more guilt, made me practically giddy as I came down the stairs very early the next morning.

And of course, being free again with Kellan made me smile delightfully as I watched his aching perfection turn to greet me in the kitchen.

His hair loose and easy seemed to exactly match his smile.

“Mornin’…coffee?” He pointed at the finished pot.

Smiling widely, I went over to him and put my arms around his waist.

He startled for a second and then slipped his arms around mine. He was warm and smelled amazing. Relief washed through me; it was easy to touch him like this, especially knowing that it would go no farther.

“Good morning. Yes, please.” I nodded over to the coffee pot. This would be the first cup of coffee I’d had since our tryst. I finally felt well enough to drink it again…and I had really missed it.

He smiled as he gazed down at me, his perfect blue eyes calm and peaceful. “You aren’t going to fight me on this?” he asked, pulling me closer.

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I returned his warm smile. “No…I missed this.” He leaned in like he was going to kiss my neck and I pushed him back, frowning. “We do need ground rules though…”

He chuckled. “Okay…fire away.”

“Well, besides the obvious one, that you and I aren’t ever…” I blushed deeply at the thought I couldn’t even say and he laughed.

“Having…hot…sweaty…sex?” he finished for me, raising a perfect eyebrow and saying each word slowly. “Are you sure you don’t want to rethink that? We’re pretty amazin-”

I looked at him sharply and cut him off, smacking him in the chest for his question. “Besides that obvious one, no more kissing…ever.” He frowned. “What if I just stay away from your lips? Friends kiss.” I frowned too, a sudden memory of his tongue running up my throat making me shiver. “Not like you do.”

He sighed. “Fine…anything else?”

I smiled and stepped away from his embrace, miming a bikini top and bottom. “Off limits…don’t touch.”

He frowned again. “God, you’re sucking all the fun out of our friendship.” He quickly smiled after he said that. “Okay…any other rules I should know about?”

I stepped back into his embrace as he held his arms out to me. “This stays innocent, Kellan. If you can’t do that, we end this.” I searched his eyes, but he brought my head to his shoulder and hugged me.

“Okay, Kiera.” He sighed then pushing back, he laughed. “That goes for you too, you know.” He pointed to his lips then down to his pants.

“Don’t touch,” he mocked. I lightly smacked his chest. “Unless you really, really want to…” he added with a chuckle. I smacked his chest even harder and he laughed again and pulled me tight.

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Sighing, I relaxed into his embrace, thinking I could stay all morning in his comforting arms, but then I started at the sound of the telephone ringing. It was still awfully early. I glanced up to where Denny was still sleeping and then hurried over to the phone, not wanting the sound to wake him up yet. A small river of guilt flooded through me that the reason I didn’t want him awake, was because I wanted to be alone with Kellan longer.

“Hello?” I answered as I bent over the counter. An amused chuckle behind me spun me around. Kellan was grinning most inappropriately at the sight of me bending over the counter. I stood up straight and put a hand on my hip, frowning at him.

“Hey, sis!” Anna’s perky voice came through the phone, but I continued to frown at Kellan. He made a swift halo motion above his head – I’ll be good – and I finally smiled.

“Hi, Anna.” I leaned back on the counter, watching Kellan pour his coffee and then prepare some for me. “Isn’t it a little early for phone calls?” My sister was kind of a night owl and she usually didn’t rise before noon.

“Oh, I’m just getting home and thought I’d give you a jingle before school. Did I wake you?” I frowned and looked up at the clock - 7:05

here, so Ohio would be 10:05. She just got home?

“No, I’m up.” I stared at the clock, wondering what my sister had been up to.

“Good…did I wake up hot-bod?” I could hear the amusement in her voice at her nickname for Kellan.

I laughed once. “No, hot-bod is awake too.” I cringed when I remembered that “hot-bod” was listening to the conversation and I looked over at his highly amused face. He raised an eyebrow and mouthed the word ‘hot-bod’, pointing to himself. I nodded and rolled my eyes as he laughed softly.

“Oooooohhh…and what were you two doing so early this morning?” she teased.

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Curious what Kellan’s reaction would be, I decided to play with him and my sister a little bit. “We were screwing on the table, waiting for the coffee to brew.” His facial reaction matched my sister’s verbal reaction so perfectly, that I laughed.

“Oh my god, Kiera!” she exclaimed, while Kellan spat back up his coffee and coughing a bit, looked at me incredulously. I laughed again and had to turn away from Kellan’s face when he started to grin indecently.

“Geeze, Anna, I’m just joking. I would
never
touch him like that. You should hear about all the girls he’s been with. Ugh, he’s disgusting…and Denny is asleep upstairs, you know.” I glanced up to where Denny was sleeping, hoping my laughing hadn’t awoken him, and then I brought my gaze back down to Kellan. He was holding his coffee cup and staring oddly at the floor.

“Really? I like disgusting. Wait…he’s back?” Anna was asking about Denny, but my focus was on Kellan and his strange expression.

“You know, a phone call to Mom or Dad here and there really won’t kill you.” I frowned as Kellan set down his full coffee mug and started to move towards me, towards the entryway, like he was leaving. Instantly, I realized what I, in my haste to cover with Anna, had snottily said – ‘
he’s
disgusting
’.

Anna sighed. “Yeah, yeah it might. So you and Denny are okay after your extended absence from each other?”

I caught Kellan’s arm as he walked by me. I had offended him with my words; surely he knew I was covering? “Everything is fine.” I was speaking to both him and Anna. He looked back at me sadly, as I pulled his arm around my waist. Slowly his smile returned and he held me tight, leaning us both back against the counter.

“Good…if it were me, I probably would have jumped in the sack with hot-bod while he was gone. Good thing you’re not me, huh?”
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I blushed at how accurate her flippant comment actually was and Kellan eyed me curiously. “Yeah, it’s a good thing you and I are nothing alike, Anna.” I gazed up at his amazing blue eyes while he held me close.

“So…how about I come up this weekend?”

Startled, I stiffened and stared straight ahead of me. “No!” Kellan tried to catch my eye, whispering, “what”?

“Oh, come on, Kiera. I’m dying to meet hot-bod.” I avoided meeting Kellan’s gaze. Things were finally comfortable between us, I didn’t need my sister messing that up…or trying to get in his pants. I wasn’t all that sure he wouldn’t let her.

“He has a name, Anna,” I snapped, more irritated at my last thought than my sister’s pet-name.

“Fine, Kellan. God, even his name is hot.” She exhaled loudly. “You can’t keep him all to yourself, you know.”

“I’m not!” I was really getting steamed. I finally met Kellan’s worried eyes and forced myself to calm down, to relax in his embrace. I smiled and shook my head at him, trying to ease him and myself.

“Winter break, Anna…remember? You can come up then. I’m just too busy right now.” I gazed at his calm eyes as he smiled at me. I couldn’t bear the thought of them together.

“Winter break…but it’s October?” She still sounded miffed.

“I’m busy, Anna…” I said it softly, trying to pacify her.

“Ppfftt…one weekend won’t kill you, Kiera.” I sighed, knowing that if I fought this any longer, she would get suspicious. “Fine.” I frantically racked my brain, trying to think of a way to at least postpone the trip a little. Searching Kellan’s achingly perfect face, the answer struck me so fast I actually said, “Oh.”

“What?” my sister and Kellan asked at the same time.

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I grinned and Kellan grinned with me, raising his eyebrows curiously.

“Well, Anna…Kellan has gigs every Friday and Saturday night. He’s not free until…” I raised my eyebrow at him and he thought for a split-second then mouthed ‘seventh’, “…until the seventh. So, if you want him to come with us, you should wait to come out then.” She sighed. “Of November? That’s three weeks away, Kiera…” I grinned, wanting to giggle. “I know. You’re welcome to come out earlier. Kellan won’t really be around, but you can hang out with Denny and me. We can go to a movie or some-”

“No, no…fine, I’ll come out on the seventh.” Then she brightened.

“We’ll have so much fun, Kiera!” She giggled and I wasn’t sure who she was excited to see more, me or my roommate. “Can I sleep in Kellan’s room?” she asked and then giggled again.

Okay…roommate then. I sighed loudly. “I have to get ready for school. I’ll talk to you later, Anna. Get some sleep! And take a cold shower.”

She giggled again. “Bye, Kiera. See you soon!”

“Bye.” I hung up the phone. “Shit.”

Kellan chuckled at me and I glanced up at him. “Don’t tell Griffin about that…please.”

He shrugged and laughed some more. “What’s wrong?” He smiled softly at me, still containing chuckles.

“My sister, she wants to visit.” My tone was not happy.

He looked at me, confused. “Okay…and, you don’t like her?” I shook my head and lightly rubbed his arm. “No, no I do. I love her, dearly, but…” I blushed deeply and looked away.

“But what?” He tried to meet my eyes.

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I looked back at him and sighed. “You’re kind of man-flavored candy to my sister,” I said glumly.

He laughed. “Ahhh…so I’m pretty much going to be attacked, right?” He seemed really amused by that prospect. I was not.

“It’s not funny, Kellan.” I pouted.

He stopped laughing and smiled warmly at me. “It kind of is, Kiera.” I looked away, feeling tears start to form and not wanting him to see.

He wouldn’t understand. I didn’t understand. I just knew how Anna would be with him, and how he would probably be with her…it made me feel ill. I didn’t want him touching her, but I knew I didn’t have the right to ask him not to. He wasn’t mine.

He hooked some hair behind my ear. “Hey…” He gently moved my chin to make me look at him. “What do you want me to do?” he asked softly.

I wasn’t going to ask him, but it slipped out anyway. “I want you to not ‘
do
’ her. I don’t want you to even touch her.” I said it rather harshly and threw him a glare.

“Okay, Kiera,” he said after a minute, lightly rubbing my cheek.

“Promise me, Kellan.” I stopped glaring, but gazed at him intently, my eyes brimming.

“I promise, Kiera. I won’t sleep with her, okay?” He smiled at me reassuringly and I finally nodded and let him pull me in for a tight hug.

Kellan and I said our goodbyes to Denny when he left for work. Kellan was in a surprisingly good mood and clapped Denny on the back, wishing him luck with his dick of a boss. Denny said thanks back and gave me a swift kiss on the cheek before heading out. He seemed in a better mood too, and I was momentarily thrilled that everything between the three of us was just a bit easier. After Denny left, Kellan grabbed my hand and we cuddled on the couch to watch TV. I nearly sighed with
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relief, it was so wonderful to sit next to him on the couch and rest my head on his shoulder, just like I used to before things got intense between us. He put his arm around me and we enjoyed the warmth of each other for most of the morning.

I only had one class today and then I was going to study a bit before work. Kellan drove me to school, which gave me a small thrill - my old addiction was coming back full force. I thanked him, but made him stay in the car and not walk me to class. I didn’t need another fifty question session if someone else saw me with the rock star. He frowned, but stayed where I asked, and I smiled as I watched him drive away.

I never saw Tina and Genevieve in my Psych class after their grilling session that one afternoon (apparently they were not in that class), so I figured they had ruled me out as a potential rival for Candy. That made me smile a little, when I thought about how much of Kellan’s attention I actually did have. Then I immediately frowned. Why was he so interested in plain little me? Anyway, not wanting to run into any of the three again, I tried to avoid the Harry Potter library after that. Not too long ago, I’d found a cute little park nearby that was perfect for stretching out with some books. After class, I decided today was just enough of a beautiful day to study there.

I breathed in the crisp autumn air as I looked around the quaint little area. The leaves of the trees were a brilliant orange and red, and quivered slightly in the soft breeze. It wouldn’t be too much longer before they started to fall. I unzipped my light jacket. The weather was still unseasonably warm for this time of year, I was starting to become a believer in global warming, but there was a purity and a cleanliness to the cooler air that was refreshing and cleared my head. It really was the perfect place to study a bit before work. I laid myself out on the grass and rifling through my bag, found a baggy of grapes and started popping a few.

Several groups of people were clumped around the park, enjoying the perfectly sunny day, as it may be one of the last for awhile. Some were playing catch with their dogs, some, like me, were studying, and others were enjoying a late picnic.

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I noticed a group of teenage girls giggling not far from me and I turned to look at what had their attention. A man had his back to us, his shirt off, doing push-ups against a park bench. I watched him idly for a minute while the girls continued murmuring. He finished and grabbed a full water bottle from the bench. Turning a little towards me, he took a drink from his bottle. His body was unbelievably perfect…and all too familiar. I laughed and rolled my eyes.

Of course, I thought. Of course I would pick the park Kellan used to work out at on his runs. Of course he would be here now, while I was trying to study. He turned and instantly spotted me on the grass, still openly staring at his body. A slow, sexy smile spread on his face and he cocked his head to the side adorably as he started walking over to me, water bottle in one hand, shirt in the other. The girls he passed on the way over giggled louder at his alluring smile and turned to watch me curiously. I sat back in the grass and watched him come over, my heart beating a little faster.

He sat down in the grass next to me as I sighed loudly. “Can’t I go anywhere without running into you?” I teased.

He laughed and extended his legs out straight, leaning back on his hands. “This is my park…you’re the one stalking me.” He half-smiled over at me.

I smiled and popped another grape, gazing at him. My focus started on his impossibly sexy hair, slightly damp around the edges from his workout, but eventually my gaze drifted down his perfect cheekbones, strong, smooth jaw, and down his neck to his bare, lightly damp chest. I lingered there, following every line, starting at the top and slowly mentally tracing them all the way down to the deep lines of his lower abdomen disappearing pleasantly into his track pants. I couldn’t stop the intimate knowledge I had of touching that body, from leaping into my head. I bit my lip.

“Hey.” Kellan’s voice snapped me out of my near trance and I glanced back up at his amused eyes. Raising an eyebrow, he asked, “Are you ob-jectifying me?” I blushed and looked away as he chuckled. “It’s okay if you are. I was just wondering if maybe you were thinking about renegotiating our rules?” He met my eye and grinned. “Can I kiss you yet?”
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I smirked back at him and he laughed more. Grabbing the shirt out of his hands, I threw it back at him. “Put some clothes on…” He frowned at me. “I’m hot…”

I smiled back. “You’re indecent…and people are staring.” I pointed over to the young girls still gawking at him.

He looked over at them, making them giggle, then shook his head as he looked down at his half-naked body, muttering, “Indecent?” He sighed. “Fine.” Then he grabbed his water bottle and dumped it on his shirt before putting put his wet shirt back on. “There…better?” I looked at him with my mouth open, until I got back my control and shut it. “Yes, thank you.” No, it wasn’t any better. The wet shirt clung to every delightful muscle, so he may as well have left it off. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing how good he looked though. I was pretty sure he was well aware anyway.

Sitting up, he reached into my baggy and grabbed a couple of grapes. I smiled at him wryly. “Go ahead…help yourself.” He smiled as he popped them in his mouth. “I frequently do,” he said, raising an eyebrow and grinning mischievously.

I sighed and rolled my eyes at him while he came over to sit right beside me. “And what are we studying?”

I smiled and blushed deeply as I looked over at him. “Human Sexuality.”

“Ahhh…really?” He nudged my shoulder playfully. “One of my best subjects.” I cringed away from his wet, cold shirt. He laughed at my reaction, then, without warning, he tackled me, pressing his wet shirt firmly against me and laughing.

“Oh my god, Kellan! You are so cold! Get off me!” I screamed at him, and tried pushing him away, laughing so much my eyes were watering.

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He kept on laughing and didn’t move away. Grabbing my wrists so I couldn’t push him off, he held me down on the grass.

Eventually our laughing slowed as we gazed at each other. He eventually smiled adoringly at me and lowered his forehead down to mine. I suppose that wasn’t specifically against my rules. We breathed softly on each other for a minute and he moved his hands so our fingers were interlaced.

I felt like we were starting to cross a line and was about to say something, when the girls a short distance away yelled, “Kiss her!” He pulled back and swallowing, laughed a little. “See,” he nodded his head over to the group of teenagers, “they want us to renegotiate.” He grinned wickedly and I pushed him off of me.

“You,” I pointed to his chest, “go finish your run.” I pointed vaguely to the direction of our house. “I do need to study…and you’re far too distracting.” I blushed and looked down.