Thoughtless (50 page)

He stopped laughing and grabbed my cheek. “No you didn’t. You never deserved the things I said to you.”

“I was…horribly misleading to you.”

“You didn’t know I loved you,” he said softly, stroking my cheek.

I looked up into his loving blue eyes and knew I didn’t deserve his kindness. “I knew you cared for me. I was…callous.” He half-smiled and kissed me softly. “True,” he whispered. “But we seemed to have gotten off track.” He smiled warmly, changing where our conversation had been going. “I believe we were talking about my messed up psyche.”

I laughed and looked over his shoulder, shaking off my bad mood.

“Right, your…whoring.”

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He laughed. “Ouch.” I laughed and ran a hand over his chest while he gazed at me for a moment. “I suppose I should start with the whole tortured childhood speech.”

“We’ve already talked about that, you don’t have to bring it up again.” I gazed at him sadly, not wanting him to bring up that painful subject unnecessarily.

“Kiera…we only scratched the very tip, of that very deep wound,” he said softly. “There is so much more that I don’t talk about…to anyone.”

“You don’t have to tell me, Kellan. I don’t want to hurt you by-” He looked past me, his eyes haunted. “I want to…in a weird way. I want you to understand. I want you to know me.” Feeling melancholy sweep over him, I met his eye and suggestively raised an eyebrow at that. It worked, he laughed. “Not just…biblically,” he muttered playfully.

I twirled my fingers around the hair brushing his neck. “Okay, if you want to…I’ll listen to whatever you want to tell me, and I’ll respect anything you don’t want to tell me.” I smiled encouragingly, hoping this wasn’t going to hurt him even more.

But he surprised me by laughing softly. “You’re going to find it funny.”

I froze and gaped at him, nothing about his childhood that he had told me so far was even remotely funny. “I don’t see how that’s possible,” I whispered, searching his eyes.

He sighed. “Well, okay, maybe not funny…coincidental then.” He half-smiled at me sadly as I scrunched my face in confusion. “It seems that my mother was…enamored with my father’s best friend.” My face paled, coincidental indeed. Kellan smiled at my reaction and continued. “So, when dear old Dad had to leave town for several months…some family emergency thing back East,” he shook his head softly, “you can imagine his surprise, when he came back home to find his blushing bride pregnant.”

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My mouth dropped open and Kellan grinned sarcastically. “Surprise, honey.”

“What did your dad do?” I asked quietly.

“Ahhh… ” He nodded his head, looking away, and his smile left him.

“Well, here is the part where my mother showed her true brilliance.” He looked over at me, as I looked at him confused again. His gaze intensely serious, he calmly said, “She told him that she was raped while he was gone…and he believed her.”

My face felt like it had just lost all the color from it as I stared at him, disbelieving his completely true story. What kind of a person would do that?

His face paled too, as he softly said, “He looked at me, as the seed of a monster, from day one. He hated me before I was even born.” His eyes watered, but no tears fell. I kissed his cheek, wishing I could do more. “I’m so sorry, Kellan.” He nodded and continued gazing at me thoughtfully. “Why would your mom do that?” He shrugged. “She didn’t want to lose everything, I guess.” He laughed once, humorlessly. “Once she played that card though, man, she committed to it. There’s even a police report somewhere, blaming some generic white guy.” He laughed humorlessly again. “My birth certificate even says ‘John Doe’ under the father. Dad wouldn’t claim me.” He whispered that last part.

“God, Kellan…” A tear dripped down my cheek. “And they told you all this?”

He looked out over the water. “Repeatedly, it was practically my bedtime story. Goodnight, boy…by the way, you ruined our lives.” Another tear dripped down my cheek. “How do you know about your…about the best friend?”

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He looked back at me and sighed. “Mom. She told me the truth.” He brushed a tear off my cheek. “I guess my…sperm donor Dad, bagged out when she told him she was pregnant. She never saw him again. It broke her heart…and she hated me for it.” He cocked his head as he watched the horror on my face. “I think she hated me even more than Dad did,” he whispered.

More tears fell as I hugged him, and kissed his cheek again. He hugged me back loosely. “You never told your father the truth? Maybe he would have been-”

He cut me off. “He would never have believed me over her, Kiera. He hated me. I only would have gotten brutally hurt, and I generally tried to avoid that.” I pulled back to look at him, and brushed some hair off of his forehead while he continued. “He had to have known anyway.” I blinked, surprised. “Why?”

He half-smiled sadly again. “I look just like Dad’s best friend…spitting image. Who knows, maybe that’s why he really hated me…Mom too.” Anger welled in me over these people who had grudgingly raised him.

“You were innocent. It wasn’t your fault.” I couldn’t stop my seething tone.

He ran both hands down my hair to my cheeks. “I know that, Kiera.” He kissed me softly. “I’ve never told anyone that before. Not Evan, not Denny…no one.”

I was moved that he would confide something so personal to me, but I didn’t really understand what this had to do with all the women…and me? “Why did you tell me?” I asked softly, hoping that didn’t sound rude.

He only smiled warmly at me though. “I want you to understand.” He looked down and said quietly, “Can you imagine, growing up in a home filled with such loathing?” He looked back up at me with a sad smile, and ran a finger down my cheek again. “No, I’d imagine you were surrounded by love…”

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Not being able to stand his painful smile, I leaned in and kissed him softly. He lovingly smiled back at me, and then stood up straight and took my hand. “Come on.” He nodded towards the railing and we started walking along it, looking out over more of the beautiful city. My eyes were mainly on his though, as he blankly stared out the windows. He was obviously still in thought. There was more he wanted to tell me.

After a few silent paces, he finally did. “I was quiet as a child. I kept to myself. I had no real friends to speak of… ” He smiled wryly. “I had my guitar…that was my closest relationship.” He shook his head and laughed once. “God, I was pathetic.”

I squeezed his hand and stopped walking, grabbing his cheek with my other to make him look at me. “Kellan you were not-”

“No, I was, Kiera,” he interrupted, kissing my hand after removing it from his cheek. Starting to walk again, he said, “Let me clarify…I was pathetically lonely.” He smiled down on me as I frowned. “And then…quite by accident on my part, I assure you…” he looked thoughtfully out the windows, now almost completely showing a view of the dark Sound, “I discovered something that made me feel, for the first time ever…wanted, cared for…almost…loved.” He said the last part quietly.

“Sex?” I whispered.

He smiled down at me again. “Hmmm…” He nodded in agreement.

“Sex. I was young that first time…” he grinned and shook his head,

“which, you’ve probably already pieced together.” I blushed a little, at that remembered conversation on his bed, as he continued. “Probably way too young, but I didn’t know it wasn’t…okay. It just felt like someone finally cared. I started…” He blushed and looked away from me. “I started repeating that feeling as often as I could. Even back then, it was shockingly easy for me. There was always someone, and I didn’t care who, who would want to be with me. I kind of got obsessed with it…with feeling that connection. Who knows, maybe I still-” He stopped walking and looked back at me, a worried expression suddenly on his face. “Do you think less of me?”
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I didn’t see how he could be blamed for seeking out any kind of love, living the life forced upon him. I put my hand on his arm. “Kellan, I couldn’t possibly think any less of you.”

He laughed and I realized how bad that statement sounded. I looked away, embarrassed. “You know what I mean.”

He laughed softly. “You really are truly adorable.”

“How old were you?” I asked, mainly to cover my embarrassment.

He sighed and then admitted, “I was twelve. In her defense, I told her I was fourteen. She bought that. I don’t think she really cared though.” I looked back at him, my mouth open again. I forced myself to shut it and smile at him. The thought of how desperately he must have wanted some tenderness, brought tears to my eyes. He searched my face, a slight crease of worry on his perfect brow. Needing to comfort him, I leaned over and tenderly gave him a brief kiss. He smiled and relaxed, gazing at me for a few quiet minutes.

“So, you use women to feel…love?” I asked quietly.

He looked down, embarrassed again. “I didn’t realize it at the time. I really didn’t even think about it, until you. I couldn’t figure out why you were so different to me. I know now that it’s not right….” He looked back up at me. “But it was something. It made me feel less…lonely.” I felt another of my tears drop at that, and he brushed it away.

“Anyway…what no one seems to consider, is the fact that they use me too. They don’t care about me.” We started walking again and he looked out over the sparkling city, showing itself again on the other side of the water.

I searched his thoughtful face and couldn’t help the wave of guilt that I had also, at one point, used him. But surely, not every encounter he’d had, had been an empty one. “You’ve never been in love?” I asked timidly.

He looked back at me with a half-smile that doubled my heartbeat.

“Until you…no. And no one has loved me either.”
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Continuing to watch him as we walked in silence, I tried to see how this impossibly gorgeous man in front of me, could never have felt real love. That made no sense. Surely, this beautiful, talented, funny, seductive and just…amazing man, had known love before.

“Surely, some girl…”

“No,” he cut me off. “Just sex…never love.”

“A high school sweetheart?”

“No. I tended to…associate…with older women. They weren’t really looking for…love.” He smiled wryly, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to know what he meant by that.

“Some…naïve waitress?”

He smiled at me. “Again, before you…no, no one who cared for me.”

“Oh…well, one of your fans then.” I said meekly. I knew from experience, just how much he had been “loved” by them.

He laughed genuinely. “Definitely no, that is the fakest sex of them all.

They could care less who I actually am. They’re not even with me, when they’re…with me. They’re with this rock-star image that they have of me, but that’s not…that’s not who I am. Well, it’s not all I am.” I smiled and kissed him softly on his jaw. No, he was so much more…

Pulling back, I hesitantly asked, “Roommates?” I also knew full well that I wasn’t the only one he’d bedded. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to hear about him and…Joey, but I was curious.

He looked over at me with the corner of his eye and smiled sheepishly.

“I really wish Griffin hadn’t mentioned that one. You must have thought I was horrible. Sometimes, I don’t know why you ever touched me at all.” I frowned and tried to shake my head, but he sighed and started explaining. “No, there was never anything between Joey and I, but sex.” He looked up, like he was trying to think of how to put it for me.

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“Joey…liked being worshipped. When it was clear to her, that her body wasn’t my only…temple, well, she was also overly dramatic.” He grimaced and shrugged. “She ran off in a huff, with boy toy number…three, I think.”

He stopped walking again and turned to look at me, grabbing both of my hands in his. “I know I’ve overdone it with women, but I’ve never felt for anyone, what I feel for you. And I’ve never felt from anyone, what I am feeling from you now,” he whispered.

I swallowed the emotion in my throat and kissed him softly again.

Pulling back, I gazed into his love filled eyes. “So, Denny and me…our relationship?” I asked, starting to get lost in his amazing blue depths.

“Right…that.” We continued walking along the circular railing and he swung my hand lightly, as he regained his original train of thought.

“Well, I guess, at first I was just intrigued by it. I’d never seen anything like that. So warm and tender and…real. And the fact that you moved across the Country to be with this guy…I can’t think of anyone who would do that for me. The people that I know, don’t have relationships like that, and my parents certainly never…”

“Right…” I said softly, watching his face darken momentarily.

He bit his lip and looked out the windows. “Living with you, watching you with Denny, day after day…I started to want what the two of you had. I stopped…” he looked over at me and grinned, “as you put it, whoring.” I smiled and he laughed, then frowned. “But unfortunately, I started to care for you. I didn’t understand it at first. I just knew it was wrong to think about you like that. You were clearly Denny’s. People’s relationships haven’t always…mattered to me, but Denny means a lot to me. That year he stayed with us…that was the best year of my life.” He smiled warmly at me and whispered, “Well, maybe until this year.” I smiled warmly back at him and kissed him on the corner of his jaw.

It gave me a small thrill of delight. It was so wonderful to be able to kiss him freely, whenever I wanted to. I squeezed his hand and cuddled into his side, as I looked out over the skyline.

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“When I fell in love with you…it was like nothing I’d ever known before. It was nearly instant. I think I started falling for you, the moment you shook my hand.” He chuckled at the memory and playfully nudged my shoulder, while I blushed. “It was so powerful. I knew it was wrong, but it was addicting.” He stopped walking and spun me out away from him, then quickly drew me back in, slipping his arms around my waist and holding me tight. “You are so addicting to me.” He kissed me softly.

He smiled at me, his eyes filled with love. “Sometimes, it felt like you cared for me too, and then everything in the world was perfect.” He frowned. “But most of the time, you wanted him, and a part of me wanted to die.” He paused, watching my startled reaction to that. “I tried so hard to stay away from you, but I kept making excuses to touch you, to hold you,” he smiled coyly and looked away, “to nearly kiss you while watching porn. God, you have no idea how difficult that was to turn away from you.”

I giggled in remembered embarrassment.

He closed his eyes and lightly shook his head. “That first time, I held you for hours afterwards…just feeling your warmth, your breath on my skin.” He opened them and looked at my again startled face. “You said my name once while you slept. That made me feel…well, it was almost as good as the sex.” He grinned devilishly and I laughed, feeling my face heat.

He sighed and looked away from me. “I wish I had been strong enough to stay…but I wasn’t. I chickened out. I couldn’t tell you what I had just figured out.” He looked back to me with wistful eyes. “That I desperately loved you.”

I curled my fingers through the back of his hair, wishing I had something profound to say. “Kellan…I…”

He continued, not letting me finish the thought I didn’t have any way.

“I wanted to leave when you went back to him. After having you…it was so hard to watch you with him. To watch you love him, how I wanted you to love me. It made me so angry. I’m so sorry.”
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I felt my eyes water as I remembered that time, and hugged him tight against me. I hadn’t known. I had assumed I was just another conquest to him. I had hurt him…deeply. “I’m the one who’s sorry, Kellan…” My voice trailed off.

He sighed and smiling, looked down. “And then, when I finally got the strength to leave…you asked me to stay, and I got my hopes up. I started to believe that maybe…at the very least, you cared for me.” He looked at me crookedly for a second. “You seemed to really want me to stay.”

My face heated in embarrassment at just how “badly” I had wanted him to stay. He smiled at my reaction and then his face smoothed into seriousness. “You probably didn’t hear me, but I told you I loved you that night. I couldn’t seem to stop it from slipping out.”

“Kellan, I-”

He interrupted me. “Then you cried for Denny, and I wanted to die again.” I felt more tears drip down my cheeks, at hurting him, yet again.

He watched my tears thoughtfully. “That night was so…intense for me. I wanted so badly to hold you after, but you were so upset…you looked ill.” He swallowed a lump in his throat. “I made you feel ill. You hated what we had done, and it had meant so much to me.” He peered at me from the corner of his eye, as he nearly looked away. “I hated you after that,” he whispered.

More tears fell on my cheeks, and I sniffled a bit. He sighed and fully looked away. “I almost left that night. I wanted to…” He turned to look back at me, and grabbed my cheeks softly with his hands. His expression softened and his eyes gazed into mine adoringly. I felt my eyes dry up, watching his perfect face stare at me. “I couldn’t leave you. I remembered the look on your face, when I told you I was leaving. No one’s looked at me that way before. No one’s ever cried for me before.

No one’s asked me to stay before…no one. I convinced myself you cared for me.” He shook his head lightly and smiled. “I knew then, that I would stay with you…even if it killed me.”

He pulled me to him for a deep kiss. I eagerly kissed him back, wanting to make up for hurting him, in some small way. When I was nearly
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breathless, he pulled away and grabbing my hand, we started walking again.

He looked over to me as we walked stories above the peaceful-looking city below. “I am sorry about being so…amorous with you. I never wanted to hurt you. I simply…wanted you.” He smiled crookedly at me, making me miss a step. He laughed softly and continued. “When you asked, I did try to keep it…well, you had to know on some level that we were never innocent, right?” He looked over at me with an eyebrow raised, and I grudgingly nodded. He smiled. “Well, I tried to keep it less…sinful then.”

He glared down at me. “You made that shockingly hard to do.”

“Me?” I asked, confused. He was the absurdly sensual one.

He shook his head in mock exasperation. “Yes, you. If you weren’t dressed provocatively, or throwing yourself on me provocatively, or…” he grinned at me indecently, “making very provocative noises…” I blushed very deeply and he laughed. “If you weren’t doing all that, then you were simply just too adorable to resist.” He glared at me again. “I am only a man after all.”

I shook my head at him. I hadn’t done any of those things, well, except for the unfortunate noises part. “You’re absurd, Kellan.” I rolled my eyes and he laughed charmingly.

“Again…you don’t realize how attractive you are to me.” He grinned mischievously. “After all this time, I would think that was painfully obvious,” he murmured, and I playfully elbowed him. He laughed, then more seriously said, “I am sorry, I took it too far.” I looked up into his suddenly sad again eyes as we continued walking. “I should have let you end it…you were right to stop it. Everything that happened later was my fault. I should have let you go. I just, couldn’t…”

“Kellan, no, it-”

He interrupted me again. “The club, that was…intense. I wanted you so bad, and you wanted me too. I considered pulling you into a bathroom and taking you right there. I think you may have even let me?” He
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looked down at me, and I could only nod speechlessly; he could have taken me anywhere. He started to smile, but frowned instead. “I saw Denny coming. I couldn’t do it. I pushed you away, praying desperately, that you would tell him you wanted me. That you would choose to leave with me. You…didn’t, and it killed me.”

I stopped walking again and he took a step, then slowly turned to look back at me. He looked hurt again. I stepped up to him and put a hand on his cheek. How badly had I repeatedly hurt him? I felt horrible inside.

He gazed at me, lost in the memory. “I couldn’t even come home. I took your sister to Griffin’s. I think I bored her. I wasn’t much fun, moping on the couch all night like I did. Eventually, she gave up on me and turned her attention to Griffin.” He shrugged. “And well, you know how that ended.”

I swallowed roughly. I had assumed so much that was not true about that night.

“I was…I am, really freaked out about what happened…in the car,” he said quietly. “What I said. What I did. I didn’t know you thought I slept with Anna, until that moment, and I was so angry at you for…Denny, I let you believe it. I…embellished it.” He looked down, embarrassed.

“Being angry with you, almost made me want you even more.” I had to swallow three times, before I could speak. “Kellan…you have no idea how difficult that was for me. How hard that was to ask you to stop, when my whole body was begging for you not to.” I stroked his cheek and considered kissing him, when he swallowed roughly.

“You have no idea how hard it was to stop myself. I wasn’t lying, about what I had been thinking.” I swallowed nosily at the look on his face, and remembered what he had crassly said to me. He watched my face intensely. “Do you think less of me now?” Stubbornly, I shook my head and he sighed and looked away. “I’m so sorry I yelled at you, Kiera.” His eyes glistened as he faced me again, and I ran my hand back through his hair.

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Swallowing loudly, I found my voice again. “I know you are sorry…I remember.”

“Ah, yes, me sobbing like a baby…not my finest hour.” He tried to look away again, but I brought my hand back to his cheek and made him look at me.

“I disagree. If you hadn’t, if I hadn’t seen that remorse, I probably would never have spoken to you again.”

He spoke very softly, “It wasn’t just remorse. True, I felt horrible for speaking to you like that…but mostly, I was sure that I had just completely severed the only loving relationship I’ve ever had. I knew I’d lost you. I knew you were completely Denny’s then. I saw it in your eyes, and I knew I’d never have a chance with you – none.” A tear did finally escape his eye then, and I brushed it aside with my thumb. “I never expected you to…comfort…me. No one’s ever done that…ever. You don’t know how much that meant to me.”

He swallowed roughly again, and again I thought to kiss him, but he pulled back a little and stared at me intently. “I was so scared to be near you after that. I allowed myself one last goodbye with you in the kitchen, but I didn’t want to touch you anymore.” He scanned my eyes, like he was searching for forgiveness in them. “I’m sorry that I hurt you, but I needed to be distracted from you, to make sure I never took things so far again.” He pulled my hand off his cheek and looked away, out over the city again. The lights sparkled in his still overly moist eyes. “I’m so sorry about all the women, Kiera. I never should have hurt you like that. I didn’t want to…well, maybe a part of me did. I just-” I interrupted him. “You don’t…you already apologized for that, Kellan.”

“I know.” He looked back to me, another tear threatening to spill. “I just really feel like I messed up. But, you didn’t want me, in the same way that I wanted you…and I couldn’t bring myself to leave you anymore. I did the only thing I knew, that I’ve ever known, for blocking out the pain.” He shook his head remorsefully, and the tear fell down his cheek. “To feel…wanted,” he whispered.

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“Women,” I stated, watching pain flash through his features.

“Yeah.” His face looked bleak and desolate, like he had just confessed to multiple murders, and not being a single guy who slept around with perfectly willing women.

“Lots and lots of women.” I added a note of sarcasm, hoping to lighten his mood.

“Yeah…I’m sorry.” He did fractionally raise his lips in a smile.

“It’s okay. Well, it’s not okay, you still shouldn’t use people…but, I think I understand.”

He looked up at me from under his eyebrows, an adorable expression of hope on his face. I couldn’t resist anymore, I leaned up and kissed him for a moment.