Thoughtless (47 page)

“You practically have!” I shouted, cutting him off.

“No! I screwed you!” he shouted back, and in the sudden quiet that followed the statement, I heard Evan curse again and Jenny softly sigh.

“And you feel bad about cheating on Denny.” He leaned in over Jenny’s head, and she brought her hand back to his chest and pushed against him. “You feel guilty about having an affair, but you-” I interrupted him. “We are
not
having an affair! We made a mistake, twice – that’s it!”

He exhaled angrily. “Oh come on, Kiera! God, you
are
naïve. We may have only had sex twice, but we’ve most definitely been having an affair, the entire time!”

“That makes no sense!” I yelled back at him.

“Really? Then why did you so desperately want to hide it from Denny, huh? If it really was all so harmless and innocent, then why weren’t we open about our…relationship…to anyone?” He raised his arm to the door, to indicate the outside world.

He was right. We only let others see a fraction of how close we really were with each other. I couldn’t answer him. “I…I…”

“Why can’t we even touch anymore?” My breath stopped. I didn’t like his question or the huskiness of his voice. “What happens to you when I touch you, Kiera?” His tone, almost a low growl, was getting as suggestive as his words, and Jenny took a step away from him, dropping her hand from his chest again.

He ran a hand down his shirt, as he answered his own question. “Your pulse races, your breath quickens,“ he bit his lip and started simulated heavy breathing, keeping his eyes locked on mine, ”your body trembles, your lips part, your eyes burn.” He closed his eyes and exhaled with a soft groan, then reopened his eyes and inhaled through his teeth suggestively. With a purposely strained voice, he continued antagonizing me,

“Your body aches…everywhere.”

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He closed his eyes again and exactly mimicked a low moan that I had made with him on several occasions. He tangled a hand back through his own hair, in a way that I had done time and again, and ran his other hand back up his chest, in a way only too familiar to me. He had a decidedly intimate look on his face, and the overall effect was so shockingly erotic, and familiar, that I blushed deeply. He swallowed and made a horribly enticing noise as he let his mouth fall open in a pant.

“Oh…god…please…” He mimicked in a low groan, as his hands started running down his body, towards his jeans…

“Enough!” I spat out. Thoroughly embarrassed, I glanced at Jenny. She looked as pale as I was red. She glanced back at me and her hand on my shoulder became sympathetic, rather than restraining. From the door, I heard Evan mutter, “Jesus, Kellan.”

Kellan’s angry eyes flashed open and he snapped, “That’s what I thought! Does that sound innocent to you?” He looked around the room.

“To any of you?” He glared at me again. “You made your choice, remember? Denny. We ended…this.” He indicated himself and me. “You had no feelings for me. You didn’t want to be with me, but now, you don’t want anyone else to be with me, right?” He shook his head angrily.

“Is that what you want? For me to be completely alone?” His voice broke on the end of that sentence in his anger.

My face, still red in embarrassment, heated in anger. “I never said that.

I said if you were to see someone, I would understand…but god, Kellan, Evan’s right, show some restraint!” Silence filled the room, with everyone glaring at everyone else until finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. “Are you trying to hurt me? Do you have something to prove?” He eyed me up and down. “To you…? No…nothing!” He backed away from Jenny a little and I pushed into her. She brought both her hands to my shoulders, to hold me back. “You’re not trying to purposely hurt me?” I snarled at him.

“No.” He ran his hand through his hair again, and angrily shook his head.

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I actually saw red I was so infuriated with him. Of course he was trying to hurt me! Why else would he be whoring himself all over town?

Why else would he have broken his promise? “Then what about my sister?”

He groaned and looked up at the ceiling. “God, not that again.” Evan took a step to help Jenny, who was beginning to struggle with me, as I was really pissed off and pushing against her. Jenny looked over at Evan and not saying anything, shook her head lightly and he stayed where he was by the door.

“Yes! That! Again! You promised!” I yelled, pointing at him.

“Obviously, I lied, Kiera!” he yelled back. “If you haven’t noticed, I do that! And what does it matter anyway…
she
wanted me, you didn’t. What do you care if I-”

“Because, you’re mine!” I yelled back at him, quite unintentionally. Of course, he wasn’t actually mine…

The immediate silence after that was deafening. Kellan’s face paled and then slowly, got very, very angry. “No, no I’m not! THAT’S THE

WHOLE FUCKING POINT!”

“Kellan!” Jenny scolded him again, and he finally glared at her.

My face heated in embarrassment at my unthinking declaration. “Is that why you did it? Is that why you slept with her, you son of a bitch!

To prove a point?” My voice cracked in my anger.

Jenny finally interrupted. “He didn’t, Kiera,” she stated calmly.

Kellan glared at her icily. “Jenny!”

“What?” I asked her, and she dropped her hands from my shoulders.

Ignoring Kellan’s icy glare, she again, very calmly said, “Kellan wasn’t the one who slept with her.”

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Kellan took a menacing step towards Jenny and Evan took a step towards Kellan. Glancing up at Evan, Kellan stopped. “This doesn’t concern you, Jenny, butt out!” he snapped.

Slightly irritated with him now, she icily met his gaze. “Now it does!

Why are you lying to her, Kellan? Tell her the truth! For once, tell her the truth.”

He shut his mouth and clenched his jaw. Evan scowled at him and Jenny frowned. Not able to stand it any longer, I shouted, “Will someone please tell me…something?”

Jenny looked back at me. “Don’t you ever listen to Griffin?” she asked softly.

Irritated, Kellan said, “No, she avoids conversations with him, if she can help it.” Quieter, he added, “I counted on that.” I furrowed my brow, confused. “Wait…Griffin? My sister slept with Griffin?”

Jenny nodded, rolling her eyes. “He hasn’t shut up about it, Kiera. He keeps telling everyone – ‘Best ‘O’ of my life!’” She made a disgusted face.

Kellan clenched his jaw again. “That’s enough, Jenny.” I stared at her, disbelieving, and then looked over at Evan. He shrugged and nodded then looked curiously at Kellan. So did Jenny.

And then, so did I.

“You lied to me?” I whispered.

He shrugged noncommittally. “You assumed. I simply…encouraged that thought.”

Anger flashed through me. “You lied to me!” I yelled.

“I told you, I do that!” he snapped back.

“Why?” I demanded.

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Kellan looked away from all of us, and didn’t answer.

“Answer her, Kellan,” Jenny said calmly. He looked back to her and she raised an eyebrow at him. Kellan frowned, but remained silent.

Memories flooded me. “The whole fight in the car…the rain…all of that started, because I was so angry about you and her. Why would you let me think-”

He glared over at me. “Why did you automatically assume-”

“She told me. Well, she made it sound like…” I closed my eyes. I hadn’t wanted to hear it. I had never let her fully explain what had happened that night. All she had said about Kellan, was that she wanted me to thank him for her. I had assumed she wanted me to thank him for…that. Maybe she had just meant for showing her a good time, for dancing with her all night, for taking her to Griffin’s house, for giving her a ride home, or…god, it could have been anything really.

Reopening my eyes, I looked at him and softened my gaze, and my voice. “I’m sorry I assumed…but, why would you let me think that for so long?”

His gaze and voice softened too. “I wanted to hurt you…”

“Why?” I whispered and took a step towards him. Jenny seeing us both calmer, let me pass. Kellan looked away, and didn’t answer. I walked over to him and put a hand on his cheek, he closed his eyes at my touch. “Why, Kellan?”

Without opening his eyes, he whispered, “Because you hurt me…so many times. I wanted to hurt you back.”

My anger extinguished. Kellan, his anger sapped as well, slowly opened his eyes, pain clearly visible in his features. He stared back at me silently. Somewhere in the back of my head, I heard Jenny walk over to Evan and tell him that they should give us a moment. Then I heard the door open and close, and Kellan and I were alone.

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“I never wanted to hurt you, Kellan…either of you.” The silence of the space reverberated back to me and I sank to my knees, right there in the middle of the room. The roller coaster of emotions was wearing me down - the guilt, the excitement, the pain, the thrill, and the anger. I could barely remember how perfect I had thought things were in the beginning, before I had ruined everything.

Kellan knelt down on the ground across from me and took my hands in his. “It doesn’t matter now, Kiera. Things are how they’re supposed to be. You’re with Denny and I’m… I’m…” He swallowed.

I just so missed how things used to be, how sweet our relationship used to be, before Kellan got cold, then hot, then…whatever it was he was being now. It slipped out before I could think about it, “I miss you,” I whispered to him.

His breath caught and I heard him swallow loudly. “Kiera…” The tears started coming and I just wanted my friend back. Surprisingly, he pulled me into an embrace, like he used to so long ago. I clutched him tight, needing his nearness. He stroked my back while I started sobbing into his shoulder. I just wanted to stop feeling so much.

My head was spinning with guilt and anger and heat and pain.

He mumbled something into my shoulder that almost sounded like,

“I’m sorry, baby.” My heart sped at the thought of those tender words coming from him.

He sat back on his heels, keeping me tight to him, so that I was sitting on his lap, my knees on either side of him. He started stroking my hair and I started relaxing into him. He held me that way for a long time. My tears slowly stopped, and I turned my head to look at him.

Surprisingly, his eyes were closed and his head was down. He looked sad. I tried to move off of him, but keeping his eyes closed, he pulled me tighter to him. “No, please…stay,” he whispered.

Instantly, I was aware of how dangerous our position was. But for our breathing, how silent the room was, how tight he embraced me, how long it had been since we had really held each other. He opened his eyes
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slowly and turned to look at me, and I could see that he was aware of the danger too. His lips parted, his breath quickened. I could see the wistful pain of wanting me in his eyes. Kellan was right…there was a reason we should never touch.

Thinking only of telling him that I couldn’t do this anymore to Denny, I whispered, “I miss you, so much.” That wasn’t what I had been going to say at all. What was wrong with me?

He closed his eyes and lowered his forehead to rest on mine. I could clearly see how difficult I was making this for him, and I really didn’t mean to…

“Kiera, I can’t…” He swallowed again. “This is wrong, you’re not mine.”

I thrilled at the word mine coming from his lips, and hated myself for it. Mentally agreeing with him, I whispered, “I
am
yours.” Wait, no that’s not what I meant to say either…

He made an odd noise and drew a ragged breath. “Are you…?” He whispered so softly, I barely heard him. He looked up at me and the passion was burning in his eyes again. “I want you so much…” I felt such sorrow for the loss of the easy friendship we once had, such guilt over what I constantly did to betray Denny, and such a painful need being in Kellan’s arms…and the latter was winning. I had missed him so much, and now that he was with me, I suddenly didn’t want him to leave me, ever again.

“I want you too,” I whispered and for the first time, it was what I meant to say.

He rolled then, so that I was lying on the floor and he was pressing in-to me. Breathing softly, he paused, almost touching my lips. He held himself there and I could see the struggle in his eyes. He wasn’t sure if I really wanted this.

Before I knew what I was saying, it all spilled out in a rush. “I’ve missed you so much. I’ve wanted to touch you for so long. I’ve wanted
379

to hold you for so long. I’ve wanted you for so long. I do need you, Kellan…I always have.”

He still held himself, hovering over my lips, his eyes frantically searching my face, looking for a lie in my words. “I won’t… I won’t be led on again, Kiera. I would rather end this, than be hurt by you again. I can’t…”

I searched myself, for what my truth was…but all I could find in my body was an aching loneliness for him. I couldn’t take another day of him being with another woman. I couldn’t handle another second of his lips on anyone’s, but mine. I wasn’t even thinking about what that meant for Denny and me. I was only thinking that I needed Kellan to be mine…only mine.

I grabbed his face gently with my hands. “Don’t leave me. You are mine…and I’m yours. I want you…and you can have me. Just stop being with all those-”

He pulled away from me. “No, I won’t be with you, because you’re jealous.”

I brought his face close to mine again, and borrowed one of his moves that so long ago had driven me mad. I lightly slid my tongue under and along his upper lip. It had the same effect on him that it had on me. He closed his eyes and shuddered, inhaling quickly.

“Kiera…no. Don’t do this to me again…”

I paused. “I’m not, Kellan. I’m sorry I pushed you away before, but I’m not saying no anymore.”

I brought my tongue back to his intoxicatingly delicious skin. I only made it halfway along his lip, when he brought his mouth down to mine. He paused while kissing me and pulled back, his breath shallow and fast. He stared at me, suddenly looking very nervous.

“I’m in love with you,” he whispered, searching my eyes. He looked very pale and very scared, and a little…hopeful.