Thoughtless (30 page)

He placed the pick lightly in my fingers and I tried to copy his move.

The sound was not a beautiful hum, it wasn’t beautiful at all. He laughed and grabbed my hand, basically doing the strumming for me. With him doing all of the work, the guitar was once again, beautiful. He idly moved our fingers across the neck, while strumming our locked hands together on the body, playing a simple rhythm. Eventually, I picked up the feel for it and relaxed into him.

He smiled and gazed at me, still playing for us without even looking.

“This really isn’t so hard. I learned this one when I was six.” He winked at me and I blushed again.

“Well…you’re just more talented with your fingers.” I blurted out, momentarily distracted by his easy smile.

He stopped playing and laughed. I rolled my eyes and laughed with him. “You have such a dirty mind. You and Griffin are a lot alike.” I blushed again.

He grimaced, then laughed again. “I can’t help it if I think that way around you.” He gazed at me intently and then took his hands off the guitar. “You try.”

I put my hands back where they had been and tried again to strum like he did. Amazingly, after the third or fourth time, it sounded okay and looking back at him I giggled. He smiled and nodded, then he showed me a different chord, and after a few tries I managed to make that one sound sort of decent. After quite a bit of fumbled attempts, I could finally sort-of play the song he had learned when he was just a boy. I played for awhile, him adjusting my fingers every now and then or showing me a new chord when I finally got one down.

Eventually, I sagged against him and flexed my hand. He laughed and put the guitar on the ground, pulling me back into his chest and
232

grabbing my hand to massage it. I was careful not to make any noises to distract him. It was heaven.

“You have to build up the strength for it,” he murmured, as he rubbed out my aching fingers.

“Hmmmm…” I closed my eyes, enjoying the closeness of him.

Eventually he stopped and held me against him. I felt like I could stay there all night, warm in his arms. “Can we try something?” he asked quietly.

I stiffened automatically in his embrace, and turned to look back at him smiling softly at me. “What?” I asked cautiously.

He laughed at my reluctance. “It’s innocent…I promise.” He abruptly lied back on the couch and held his arms out to me. I looked at him, confused, and then snuggled into his shoulder, nestling into the space between him and the couch. He sighed happily and wrapped his arms around me, stroking my arm lightly.

I pulled back and looked at him, still confused. “This is what you wanted to do?”

He shrugged. “Yeah, it looked…nice when you did this with Denny…”

I nodded and laid my head on his chest, fighting back the sudden guilt at the mention of Denny’s name, and at the simple affection that Kellan wanted from me. I carefully put a leg over his and an arm over his chest.

He sighed again and leaned his head against mine. His heartbeat was steady and strong. I felt like mine was all over the place.

“Is this okay with you?” he whispered into my hair.

I forced myself to relax. This simplicity was all he wanted, and I
was
enjoying his closeness. “Yeah…it’s nice. Are you okay?” I absent-mindedly traced a circle on his chest.

233

He chuckled softly. “I’m fine, Kiera.” He gently rubbed my back.

I sighed and truly relaxed, clutching him tighter with my arm and my leg. He pulled me tighter in response and we simply held each other. I watched his shirt rise and fall with his even breathing. I gazed at the skin of his neck. I watched his throat move when he swallowed. I lingered over the near right angle at the corner of his strong jaw. Finally, I closed my eyes and nestled into his neck, letting the warmth of his presence wash over me.

All too soon he stirred beneath me, and I realized that I had fallen asleep in his embrace. “Sorry…I didn’t mean to wake you.” I sat bolt upright and stared at the front door, his familiar words stirring a memory in me. “Denny,” I whispered, glancing down at his confused face.

He sat up and hooked some hair behind my ear. “You weren’t asleep long. It’s still early. He won’t be home for an hour or so.” He looked away thoughtfully. “I wouldn’t let him…” He looked back at me. “I won’t let him see this, if you don’t want him to.” I was immediately shaking my head. No, Denny wouldn’t understand.

I wasn’t sure that I even did. He nodded and looked at me intently.

Needing a break from his intenseness, I spat out a question that had been jostling in my head for awhile.

“Where did you go when you use to disappear? When you didn’t come home all night?” I settled back into the couch sitting side-by-side with him. He smiled at me, but said nothing. I frowned at his reaction.

“If you were…if you
are
seeing someone, you should just tell me.” He really didn’t have an obligation to tell me anything, but I was insanely curious.

He cocked his head to the side endearingly. “Is that what you think?

That when I’m not with you, I’m with a woman?” I cringed and regretted even asking him. Quietly, I made myself say,

“You’re
not
with me, you have every right…” I grabbed his fingers and held his hand, avoiding his gaze, “…to date.”
234

“I know,” he said softly, rubbing his thumb on the back of my hand.

“Would it bother you, if I was seeing someone?” he asked quietly.

I swallowed and turned my head away from him, not wanting to answer. It slipped out anyway. “Yes,” I whispered. He sighed, and when I looked back, he was staring at the floor. “What?” I asked cautiously.

He put an arm around my waist and pulled me close, rubbing my back. “Nothing.”

“I’m not being fair, am I?” I asked, melting into his tender embrace.

“I’m with Denny. You and I are…just friends. I can’t ask you to never…” He shifted uncomfortably and then chuckled. “Well, we could solve this little problem, if you relaxed your rules.” He grinned over at me devilishly. “Especially that first one.”

I kept my face serious and he stopped laughing. Quietly, I said, “I’ll understand. I won’t like it, anymore than you probably like me with Denny…but, I’ll understand. Just don’t hide it. Don’t sneak around on me. We shouldn’t have secrets…”

I realized how absurd that sounded, and a part of me didn’t want to know, didn’t want to see it, but I didn’t want to be in the dark either. I knew that we were border-line friends, occasionally drifting into something more. I realized that what we were doing - flirting, being so close all the time - was dangerous and stupid, like we were tempting fate. I knew it, I just couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t stop thinking about him, wanting to be near him, wanting to touch him, hold him. But, it couldn’t be anything more than that, and it wasn’t right to ask him to deny himself…anything, for this small piece of myself that I was allowing him.

That wasn’t fair.

He looked at me wistfully for a full minute before finally nodding, once.

I gazed at his sad eyes. “So, where do you go?” I whispered.

235

His expression changed and warmed, his eyes sparkling at me.

“Where do I go? Well, it depends. Sometimes its Matt and Griffin’s place, sometimes its Evan’s. Sometimes I drink myself into oblivion on Sam’s doorstep.” He grinned devilishly and chuckled at that, with an odd amused look in his eye.

“Oh…” The answer was so simple, that it should have been obvious to me. I had just assumed that he had been out “sowing his wild oats” as they say. I reached up and stroked his cheek, feeling that I could finally ask him the question that I really wanted an answer to. “Where did you go after our first time? I didn’t see you all day, all night? And you came home…” Completely wasted, I thought, but didn’t say.

Abruptly he stood up and held out his hand. “Come on. I’ll give you a ride to Pete’s.”

I stood and took his hand. “Kellan, you can tell me, I won’t…” He smiled at me, his eyes showing no humor. “You don’t want to be late.”

I knew our conversation was over and it irritated me. His avoidance also filled my stomach with dread. We shouldn’t have any secrets, but apparently we did. “You don’t have to give me a ride everywhere you know.” He raised an eyebrow and smirked at me. “I managed just fine without you,” I pouted.

He rolled his eyes and smiling, led me upstairs so I could get ready for work. He stayed with me at the bar for most of the evening. I chided him about missing rehearsal with the guys, and he laughed and rolled his eyes at me again. It made me feel equally nice and equally worried, that he’d rather spend the time with me.

During one of my breaks, he attempted to teach me how to play pool better. That was pretty amusing, since our skill level was virtually the same. Honestly, I think he just liked helping me line up shots and honestly, I liked having his body stretched across mine as he helped me line up shots. We played a quick game while I ate a small meal. Well, for anyone else it would have been a quick game. After the both of us repeatedly missed shot after shot, my break was over, my meal was done,
236

and I went back to work, leaving him to finish up the game with Griffin, to whom he lost terribly.

I snuck my head in the pool room as their game was finally finishing.

Laughing that he’d predictably lost, I said, “Better keep your day job, Band Boy.”

He raised an eyebrow and twisted his lips derisively. “Band Boy?” Smiling, I nodded and walked away. From behind me I heard, rather loudly, “Band Boy? Really, what are we in the Fifth Grade?” I laughed at his remark as I headed up to the bar to place an order.

Jenny smiled when she joined me. “You and Kellan seem better?” I frowned at her after relaying my order to Rita, who moved to the other side of the bar to fill it. “What do you mean?” Kate joined me on my other side and gracefully sat on a stool to wait for Rita to get back.

Jenny cocked her head to the side and furrowed her brow slightly.

“Well, he seemed a little cold towards you awhile ago.” Kate chimed in, “Did he? What, did you use all his shampoo or something?” She sighed dreamily. “God, he’s got great hair.” I laughed nervously at the both of them. ”Yeah…just stupid roommate stuff. We’re fine now.” Luckily, I didn’t have to elaborate as Rita came back with my order. I left the three of them discussing the virtues of Kellan’s hair as I finished up my night. I needed to be more careful around Jenny. She noticed too much.

237

13

Chapter

A Bad Idea

The following evening was busy for a week night, and Griffin was again apparently…bored. He had climbed on top of his usual table and was singing along loudly to the jukebox, more specifically, to Sir Mix-A-Lot’s

‘Baby Got Back’. He was making rather obscene gestures, and gyrating his hips about in a way that was sure to give me nightmares tonight, and a few women around the table were laughing and holding dollar bills out to him. He took them gleefully and shoved them places I did not want to think about.

Evan, Matt and Kellan had backed away from the table and were laughing hysterically at the idiot. Kellan looked over to where I was standing in the middle of the aisle watching the crude show and winked at me, still laughing. I laughed and smiled back at him.

“Get off the damn table, Griffin!” Pete had come out of the kitchen, where his office was tucked away in an old storage closet, and was scowling at the bassist.

Immediately, Griffin jumped down to his adoring harem, hovering close to his side. “Sorry, Pete,” he smiled, not looking sorry at all. Shaking his head and muttering to himself, Pete walked back into the kitchen.

I laughed even harder, until I felt something behind me. A hand had reached up the loose skirt I was wearing tonight and was grabbing my upper thigh. I squeaked and moved away. A dirty looking, middle-aged man leered at me with beady little brown eyes and grinned, showing a mouthful of yellowed teeth. He winked one of those tiny little eyes in a not at all charming way, while his equally scummy looking friend laughed. I quickly darted off to the safety of the bar.

238

I didn’t recognize the men, they were not regulars and they were not pleasant. They were also seated in such a way in my section that I had to pass by them every time I went up to the bar, and every time, the lewd man made a grab for my legs, no matter how far away I scooted. I put it off as long as I could, but inevitably the time came for me to hand them their bill. The larger man, who had felt my leg before, stood up and grabbed my ass roughly, pulling me tight against him while his other hand grabbed my breast.

Angrily, I smacked his hand away from my chest and tried to push him off of me, only succeeding in making him laugh. He reeked of an odor I could only classify as “eau de poor life”. It was an unappealing mix of stale cigarettes, three day old whiskey, and I swear – manure.

And that mix didn’t include his breath, which made the rest of him smell downright delectable in comparison. I looked around for Sam, but then I remembered that he was off today and Pete hadn’t thought the bar was busy enough to staff another full time bouncer. At the moment, I was disagreeing with him. I wasn’t sure what to do, and I didn’t think I could take the guy, when abruptly he was pulled away from me.

Evan stood behind him, with the man’s arms held down to his sides.

Kellan was instantly in the man’s face. He looked livid. “Not a good idea.” His voice was low and ice cold.

Matt stepped up to the smaller man, who was standing now to defend his friend. Griffin came up to me casually and threw an arm around my shoulders. “Yeah, this ass is ours,” he said, with a big smile on his face.

The big guy angrily shook off Evan and roughly pushed Kellan back a step. “Piss off, pretty boy.”

Kellan grabbed his shirt in both hands and got right back in his face.

“Try it…please…”

The man stared at Kellan, looking like he wanted to pound him into the ground. Kellan stared right back, not afraid in the least. The whole bar was quiet, watching the stare down. Kellan finally released the big man, his hands shaking a little with restraint. “I suggest you leave now. I wouldn’t come back if I were you.” His voice was scarily cold.