Thoughtless (56 page)

I changed into my pajamas equally silent, and then softly excused myself to the bathroom. He slipped under the covers and watched me leave.

I left the door open, hoping to ease any suspicions he might have. That didn’t stop me from glancing longingly at Kellan’s door. He was leaving and I couldn’t bear it. I had to find a way to stop him…somehow.

I took my time in the bathroom. I let the cold water drench my face repeatedly, hoping to wash away my fears. Kellan was leaving, Denny was horribly suspicious – my world was crashing inward.

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Taking a last deep breath, that did nothing to calm me, I opened the door and walked back to Denny. He was still awake, still watching the door, waiting for me to return to him. I searched his eyes for a moment, wondering what he thought, what he felt…how much he was hurting.

Why he didn’t ask me…anything?

He held his arms out for me, and I crawled into them, grateful at least for some comfort from the continual assault on my emotions. It wasn’t what I wanted though. His arms weren’t the ones I was currently craving. That thought made my throat tight, and I was glad Denny wasn’t talking. I closed my eyes and waited.

Each second felt like minutes, each minute felt like hours. I strained my hearing, to listen to Denny’s breathing. Was it slow and steady? Was he asleep? Then he would shift and sigh, and I knew he was still awake. I feigned sleep the best I could, hoping he would relax and give in to slumber. I felt frustrated tears building, but I shoved them back. I wanted out of this room, but I needed to be patient.

To pass the time, I imagined what Kellan was doing over in his room. I couldn’t hear his music anymore – was he asleep? Was he awake, staring at his ceiling, wondering if I was asleep in Denny’s arms? Was he wishing he had never said anything this morning? Was he waiting for me to crawl into bed with him? Was he planning his departure?

Eventually Denny’s breathing became slow and regular in true slumber. I opened my eyes and cautiously raised my head to look at him. His beautiful face was calm and peaceful, the first it had been since he’d caught the lie. I sighed softly, then carefully moved his arm off of me.

Still asleep, he rolled over to his normal sleeping side, away from me. I waited for an achingly long time, just to be sure, and then I quietly got up. I ran through a list of excuses in my head, just in case Denny looked over at me leaving, but he didn’t, and I soundlessly slipped out the door.

My heart was thudding as I opened Kellan’s. I was suddenly really nervous…

Kellan was sitting on the edge of the bed, away from the door with his back to me, when I quietly entered his room. He was still dressed and he
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was looking at something intently in his hand. He was lost in thought, and didn’t hear me approach him.

“Kellan?” I whispered.

He startled and clenched his hand, hiding whatever he had been looking at. He turned to look at me, and at the same time, shoved his hand under the mattress. “What are you doing here? We talked about this, you shouldn’t be here.” His face was pale and he looked dreadfully sad.

“How could you do that?”

“What?” he asked, looking both tired and confused.

“Sing that song to me…in front of everyone. You killed me.” My voice broke, and I sat on the edge of the bed heavily.

He looked away from me. “It’s what needs to happen, Kiera.”

“You wrote that days ago…when you were gone?” He didn’t answer me for several seconds. “Yes. I know where this is going, Kiera. I know who you’ll choose, who you’ve always chosen.” Suddenly not knowing what else to say, I blurted out, “Sleep with me tonight.” My voice was thick with my churning emotions.

“Kiera, we can’t…” He looked over at me, wistfully.

“No…literally. Just hold me, please.”

He sighed and then laid back on his bed, holding his arms open for me. I snuggled into his side, wrapping my leg around his, my arm over his chest, and nestling my head in his shoulder. I breathed in his dizzy-ingly amazing scent, and raptured in his warmth and comfort. The overwhelming joy of being close to him, brought with it the heartbreaking sadness that he was leaving me.

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I sniffled back a tear and he held me tighter. I felt him sigh brokenly beneath me, and I knew he was on the verge of tears, the same as me. It slipped out in my grief. “Don’t leave me.”

He exhaled brokenly and clutched at me, kissing my head. “Kiera…” he whispered.

I looked up into his torn face, his eyes shining with tears waiting to spill. Mine already were. “Please stay…stay with me. Don’t go.” He closed his eyes, squeezing out the tears. “It’s the right thing to do, Kiera.”

“Baby, we’re finally together, don’t end this.” His eyes opened at my tender word, and he lovingly ran a finger down my cheek. “That’s just it. We’re not together…”

“Don’t say that…we are. I just need time…and I need you to stay. I can’t bear the thought of you leaving.” I kissed him deeply, bringing my hands to his cheeks.

He pulled away. “You won’t leave him, Kiera, and I can’t share you.

Where does that leave us? He’s going to figure it out, if I stay. That leaves us with one option…I go.” He swallowed back his emotion, as another tear fell on his cheek. “I wish things were different. I wish I’d known you first. I wish I was your first. I wish you would choose me-”

“I do!” I blurted out.

We both froze and stared at each other. Another tear dripped from his eye, as he stared at me with a look of such pain and hope, that I instantly regretted coming into his room. My panic at the thought of him leaving again, had made me blurt out something that I knew would make him stay…and I did want him to stay. I desperately wanted him to stay. I wanted to walk into Pete’s on his arm. I wanted to kiss him every time I saw him. I wanted to make love without worry. I wanted to sleep in his arms every single night…

Oh god, I suddenly realized. I wanted to be…with him.

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“I do choose you, Kellan,” I said again, surprised at my decision, but happy I had finally made one. He was looking at me like any second I might light him on fire. “Do you understand me?” I whispered, getting concerned at his odd reaction.

Finally, he rolled over and pressed into me, grabbing my face and kissing me intensely. I could barely breathe through his enthusiasm. I ran my fingers through his hair and clutched him tight to me. His hands started pulling at my clothes. He pulled off my tank top, but before I could ask a question, his lips were back on mine. He pulled off his shirt, and again his lips were back on mine before I could speak. He deftly slipped off my pants and was working on his jeans, when I finally pushed him away.

Breathless, I gaped at him. “What happened to your…rules?”

“I never was good at following rules.” He smiled and moved in to kiss me. “And I never could say no to your begging anyway…” he finished softly, kissing my neck.

He slipped off his jeans and kissed me again. “Wait…” I pushed him back again. “I thought you didn’t want to do this…” I looked over at the door, “here.”

He slid his hand into my underwear and I gasped. “If I’m yours and you’re mine…then I will take you, wherever and whenever I can,” he growled in my ear, his intensity making me moan lightly.

“I love you, Kellan,” I whispered, bringing his face back to mine.

“I love you, Kiera. I will make you so happy,” he whispered seriously.

I bit my lip and started pulling off his boxers. “Yes, I know you will.”
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23

Chapter

Consequences

I shifted on his bed for the hundredth time. Kellan’s arm was around me and he was sleeping soundly, his cheek resting on his other arm, his face turned towards me, all doubt and worry erased from his perfect features.

I wasn’t quite so sure it was erased from mine. I’d finally chosen, and in the heat of the moment, I’d chosen Kellan. It all still felt a little surreal to me. I snuggled into Kellan’s side and he sighed contently. I tried to imagine being with him like this every night, having the open relationship with him that he wanted - that we wanted. It had been such a taboo idea for so long, that I couldn’t quite envision it at the moment.

I shifted again on the bed. There was one final hurdle to tackle before I could really picture going forward with Kellan…and it was one that was tearing my heart apart. Denny. I should get up now and sneak back into our room. I shouldn’t risk him finding out this way. I shouldn’t have risked making love to Kellan last night…again. I just, I seem to not always have the best judgment when it came to that amazing man. But Kellan was right, it was a bad idea. Denny should never catch the two of us being intimate like that. I remembered his reaction in my dream. I couldn’t even begin to imagine his real reaction if he walked in on us.

Especially now that he knew I lied, now that he was suspicious.

I should tell him. I should finally tell him…everything. I just had no idea how.

Sighing, I lifted Kellan’s arm off of me. He mumbled something in his sleep and started to reach out for me again. I smiled and brushing a lock of hair off his forehead, kissed him softly. I grabbed my hastily flung clothes and slipped them back on, then I opened his door and with a final glance at his peaceful body, his sheet half-heartedly draped over his physical perfection, I shut it and headed back to my room.

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I slipped into my bed as stealthily as I could. Denny didn’t stir when I carefully lay down next to him, and I didn’t look at him this time. I kept my back to him and carefully breathed in and out. I waited for him to move, for him to roll me over and demand where I’d been. He didn’t. He slept as soundly as Kellan had been. Eventually exhaustion took me and I gave in to the slumber, intimate thoughts of Kellan on my mind.

I awoke a short while later from a particularly good dream, anxious to see him again. Denny was still sleeping, but I was positive Kellan would not be. I quickly darted to the bathroom to freshen up, and then quietly dashed downstairs. As predicted, Kellan was leaning against the counter, a fresh pot of coffee brewing behind him, smiling over at me and looking completely perfect, dressed in my favorite bright blue shirt that made his eyes seem inhumanly blue.

“Morn-”

He didn’t get a chance to finish his greeting before my lips were locked on his and my hands were twisted in that fabulous hair. He returned my kiss eagerly, his hands cupping my cheeks. Between our lips, I muttered, “I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” he muttered back. “I hated waking up with you gone.”

You would think we hadn’t seen each other in days, instead of hours. I luxuriated in the smell of him, the feel of him, the taste of him. I reveled in his warmth, in his tender hands traveling down my shoulders, in the feel of his hair between my fingertips, and his tongue brushing against mine. I never wanted him to stop kissing me. That was when he suddenly pulled away from me, taking a few steps towards the table.

“We should talk about Denny, Kiera…”

Just then, Denny walked into the kitchen. “What about me?” he asked curtly.

Kellan and I were luckily a few paces apart when Denny had unexpectedly appeared in the entryway, but my heart shifted instantly into triple
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time. Kellan was more composed, and smoothly said, “I was just asking Kiera if you would be interested in hangin’ with me and the guys today.

There’s this thing at EMP-”

Denny cut him off while I gaped at him. Did he just come up with that on the fly, or was that really his plan for today? “No, we’ll stay here.” I didn’t miss his inflection on the word “we’ll” and neither did Kellan.

His face paler, he said, “Okay…come by if you change your mind. We’ll be there all day.” An odd tension built up in the kitchen and Kellan finally broke the silence. “I’d better go…pick up the guys.” And with a final meaningful glance at me behind Denny’s back, he left the two of us alone, in the suddenly too quiet kitchen.

A few moments later, I heard the door close and Kellan’s car growl to life and drive away. And just like that, he was gone and my heart dropped a little. By his final look, I knew he was giving me time to “talk” to Denny, and I wasn’t ready yet. I wasn’t even sure if I could do it. I mean, how do you tear someone to pieces that you still care for? And I do…even throughout everything, I still loved him. Love doesn’t exactly come with an off switch.

I spent the bulk of the afternoon laying on the couch, sleeping…or pretending to, while Denny watched over me from the chair, the TV playing in the background purely a distraction for the overwhelming silence between us. I wasn’t ready to destroy him yet. I wasn’t sure if I would ever be ready for that. I didn’t know how to tell someone who had been everything to me for so long, that it was over.

I could feel his dark eyes resting on me all day…thinking. Denny was brilliant, the only reason he hadn’t put it all together yet was pure devo-tion to me. He refused to see my flaws and he hated to cause me pain.

Acknowledging my betrayal, would force him to do both.

He may have been avoiding the words, but I saw it in his eyes - the fear, the doubt. I knew that eventually he would gather the courage to ask me that dreaded question: Are you in love with someone else?

Every look he gave me, every time he touched me, every conversation he did start with me, I was sure he was going to ask me. Ask me if I was
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leaving him. Ask me if I was in love with Kellan. I tensed in anticipation every time. I didn’t know what I would say if he did ask.

But the questions never came…

He never once asked me about the lie he had caught me in last night.

He never once asked me for the real reason for the awful slap I had given Kellan. On the few instances we did speak that horridly long afternoon, he seemed to be purposefully avoiding any topic of conversation that might bring up Kellan.

By the end of the day, his expression was darker, his mood introspect-ive. Eventually all conversation dried up, and I began avoiding his dark accusatory glances.

Kellan did eventually come back, late, hours after the sun set on our chilly little home. He walked into the kitchen and saw Denny and I finishing a silent dinner. Kellan glanced over to me, probably wondering if I had talked to him at all. I could only shake my head nearly imperceptibly, no. He understood. His face was torn, and I thought he might turn around and leave again, but calming himself, he put his keys on the counter and grabbed a beer from the fridge. His disheartened eyes haunted me though and I couldn’t help but to stare at him, even though I knew Denny was intently watching me. I so wanted to go over to him and explain, but I knew I couldn’t.