Thoughtless (61 page)

Turning to me, she practically glowed when she spoke of our new apartment and her new job…at Hooters. I sighed and listened to her go over the steal she got on the place because the old guy wouldn’t stop staring at her rack, and she promised him a free plate of hot wings whenever he popped into the restaurant. That pretty much sealed the deal for him. Again, what my sister could get men to do for her.

Denny quietly said goodbye to us both and kissed my forehead again before leaving, his eyes never straying from the injured side of my face.

As he was at the doorway and I felt that familiar squeeze in my heart, I heard my sister say “wait” and she stepped outside with him. I didn’t know what they talked about, but they were out there a good twenty minutes. When she came back, my sister only smiled when I asked. Curious, but tired, I let it go. Maybe they had worked out their differences and she’d be nicer to him. My injuries really weren’t his fault.

My sister stayed for hours longer and then looking antsy, I told her it was okay if she wanted to go…socialize. She grinned devilishly and told me she’d be back tomorrow afternoon. I was pretty sure a visit with Griffin was in her future. I’m glad he appealed to her in some odd way, but I really didn’t get it. And now I had a horridly descriptive visual to go with the image in my head.

She did come back the next afternoon, and told me all about their impossibly long night. If I had to give Griffin anything, it was that he had…stamina. After awhile, other friends came in to visit. Matt and Evan stopped in and each gave me brief hugs. They seemed a little uncomfortable, but wanted to be supportive with an appearance. Evan looked particularly guilty, like he felt he should have been there, or told Denny earlier, or something. As he was leaving, I assured him that he did nothing wrong. He did what Kellan and I asked, and we didn’t hold him responsible for anything. He nodded and a big grin lit his happy,
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teddy bear face as he scooped me into as much of a bear hug as he could, whispering that he was glad I was alright.

Jenny and Kate came in together before their shifts and Jenny’s eyes tore up as she looked over my still bruised face. She hugged me tight and repeated over and over that she was so glad I was okay, that everyone at work was glad I was okay, and everybody was anxiously waiting for me to return to the bar.

I pulled away from her hug and watched another tear drop down her cheek. “Jenny…I can’t go back to Pete’s.”

Her blue eyes widened at that. “But…why not, Kiera?” My eyes moistened now. “I can’t… I can’t be around…him.” The room got really quiet, as everyone in there understood who I meant. Kate and Jenny shared a look between themselves, and I wondered if Kellan was still here and if Kate and Jenny had run into him downstairs like my sister had. By the look in Kate’s eyes and the frown on Jenny’s face, I figured they had.

Jenny’s lack of any further argument only confirmed that suspicion for me. “Where will you go?”

I shook my head as tears finally spilled down my own cheeks. “I don’t know. Do you know anyone who needs a semi-good waitress?” She smiled sadly and hugged me. “You’re better than semi-good. I’ll ask around. It won’t be the same without you, Kiera…it just won’t.” Feeling unworthy of her praise, I could only nod and hug her back.

She pulled back to look at me and wiping her tears said, “Well, it’s not like we’re not going to be friends anymore, just because we don’t work together, right?”

I nodded and wiped away my own tears. “Absolutely.” Griffin came in a bit after Jenny and Kate left, which surprised me a little bit. Of course, I think he was there more to pick up Anna than
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anything else. He did give me a hug…and copped a feel, but I actually appreciated the sentiment, if not the delivery. Smacking his ass, my sister mock scolded him for the feel-up. He feigned innocence and pulled her into a stomach-churning French kiss. Playfully holding each other, they said their goodbyes and went off to, as Griffin put it, “christen the new apartment”. I prayed they stayed out of whatever room was being alloc-ated to me.

After they left, my doctor gave me a look-over and feeling satisfied with my condition, had the nurses turn off that damn machine and unplug me from the IV. As I ate a lifeless dinner, I wished I felt as put back together as the doctor had tried to convince me I was. After my meal, once Susie checked on me again and then left me alone, the silence of the room pressed in heavily.

The space was fully lit, but the darkness of the winter night outside seemed to seep in through the wide window, almost as if that blackness was stealing my warmth and my light. I stared at those cheer-stealing windows for what had to be hours, watching the darkness thicken and deepen. I shivered and pulled the covers tighter around me. I felt very cold and alone. Guilt and remorse pressed around me, squeezing to a point at the soft spot in my head. Just as I was wondering how I’d make it through like this, a soft accent spoke to me from the doorway.

“Hey. How are you?”

I peeled my eyes from the window and brushed a tear that I hadn’t realized had fallen, off my cheek. I looked over at Denny leaning against my doorframe. His arms were crossed over his chest and his foot propped up, like he’d been watching me awhile. He smiled softly at me, a smaller version of his goofy grin that usually lit my heart.

Today…today though, it made the tears flow harder.

He instantly made a move towards me and then stopped halfway to my bed, a torn look on his face. He looked back to the door and through my tears I saw a hazy figure step back from the opening. I couldn’t make out the body through my watery vision but I knew who it was. I knew Kellan had come back up here and was making himself stay away from me. Like before, we were back to a no-touching policy. Only now it was worse, now we had a no-visual policy too.

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A sob broke free from me and that seemed to firm up Denny’s mind.

He crossed the few feet to my bed and sat beside me, picking up my hand and holding it in his. It was a simple touch, and far more friend-like than I was used to getting from him when I was upset, but I knew that was all he’d allow himself to give me and I squeezed his hand, taking what comfort from him that I could.

“Don’t cry, Kiera…it’s okay.”

I sniffled and worked to calm down, hating the fact that this beautiful man beside me was comforting
me
…even though he was the one I’d broken. It seemed unfair. He should yell and be angry, call me a whore and storm out, never to look on me again. But…that wasn’t Denny. He was warm and caring and kind, almost to a fault. And by the way his eyes never strayed far from my injury, I knew that a large part of his continual presence here was due to the fact that he felt such enormous guilt for hurting me.

I swallowed back the tears as we silently watched each other. Warmth from his hand in mine calmed me and I eventually was looking at him without sobbing. He smiled again, once my tears dried up.

“I saw your new place,” he said quietly. “I think you’ll like it. Your sister has good taste.”

I cocked my head at that. “You saw it?” He nodded and I held his hand tighter. “What did you and Anna talk about yesterday?” He looked down and shook his head. “She’s a little angry with me,” he looked up, “for hurting you.” His eyes looked haunted for a moment, and drifted to my injury before he continued. “She cussed me out good.” He raised his eyebrow at me. “She’s got quite a mouth on her sometimes.” I smiled at that and he smiled back in a genuine way that made his eyes come alive more than I’d seen in awhile.

“Anyway, once she was satisfied, she asked for my help in moving your stuff. I needed to move mine too, so,” he shrugged, “I told her I’d help. We got all of it done tonight, and Anna got some furniture from Griffin, Kate, Jenny…well, anybody who had anything really.” He
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almost timidly ran a hand out to tuck a lock of hair behind my ear.

“You’re all set to go.”

I tried to see the good in that as I tried to smile, but all I felt was an ache at being removed from a home that, until things got messy, had been nothing but a joy to me. Denny seemed to understand my melancholy and gently stroked my cheek once, before removing his hand and placing it back in his lap.

“What about you? Where are you staying, while you’re…here?” I asked, my voice shaking a bit at the end.

“I’ve been staying with Sam. He’s been really kind to me. I’ve been crashing on his couch for a few days now.” He ran a hand through his hair and grinned at me crookedly. “I couldn’t stay there with Kellan. My patience with him only goes so far.”

“Why are you guys…?” I let my question trail off, not wanting to incite his anger about the affair. Not that it probably wasn’t always there, just under the surface.

He didn’t let it drop though. “Why are we what? Not killing each other? Not screaming, yelling, carrying on? Why are we civil?” I shrugged and cringed. He looked at me a moment and I thought I saw that anger in his eyes, but I couldn’t be sure. When he spoke again, his voice was controlled but his accent was thick. “I could have killed you that night…and I don’t even want to think about that nightmare.

But…even with what I did do, things should be so much worse for me than they are. And Kellan is the reason they’re not.” I cocked my head, completely confused at that. “I don’t…” He sighed and his face softened. “You know, I never thought much about moving in with him. About how appealing women thought he was. Even back at school, he could just look at a girl and she’d…” He sighed again, while I felt my face heat a bit. “I never even considered how tempting he might be…to you. I just never thought that would matter, because what we had was so…” He closed his eyes as tears instantly filled mine again. At that moment, I completely hated myself for what
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I’d done to him. I started to reach my free hand out to touch his cheek, but stopped, and let it fall back to my lap when he opened his eyes.

Calmly, he kept my gaze. “Once I figured it out…I knew I’d never be able to compete with him.”

I blinked at what he said and furrowed my brow. Compete with Kellan? He never had to. I’d always wanted him. Well, maybe a part of me didn’t? He noticed my confused look. “When I started piecing things together - looks I’d seen, touches I’d ignored, how distant you’d become, how forlorn you were when
he
wasn’t around - I knew I’d lose you, if I hadn’t already. I knew I didn’t stand a chance against…” he rolled his eyes and shook his head a little, looking down at the sheets on my bed,

“…quite possibly, the most attractive man in the Pacific Northwest.”

“Denny…I…”

He cut me off. “I was so angry at
him
for that.” He looked up at me and then back down at his hands, still holding one of mine. “Like I knew you wouldn’t be able to resist his charm, so it was up to him…and he failed.” I started to look down, right as his eyes looked up, and we met in the middle. “I think that’s why I asked him to stay away from you at the airport. I didn’t think you’d stray, not really…I trusted you, but only if he kept his distance.” He shrugged. “He gets every girl he goes after, and I knew he’d get you, if he really tried, and I just couldn’t compete with that.”

“It wasn’t like that, Denny.” I wanted to argue against it more, but there just wasn’t much to say. I couldn’t exactly tell Denny that I’d started nearly everything that had happened with Kellan and me. That Kellan hadn’t deserved his rage, because I’d initiated the contact with him…and he’d already been in love. Whatever good intentions I’d started out with when Denny had left, somewhere along the line, I had strayed, even before the actual…straying.

And even worse, I’d fallen in love too. I’m not even sure when I fell for him anymore. It may have been that first awkward meeting in the hallway, it may have been the first time I cried in his arms, it may have been him telling me I was beautiful, or it may have even been the first time I heard him sing, that deeply moving song that still touched me. All I knew for sure was that I did. I fell madly in love, and that ache added to
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my current one, as I watched Denny’s eyes gloss over with un-conceal-able pain.

“When I saw the two of you in the parking lot…actually saw the passion between you…I hated him so much. I hated what he took from me. I wanted to end him, for treating you like one of his groupies.” He shook his head and cut me off when I tried to object. “It never occurred to me that he was in love. It never occurred to me that you were in love. It never occurred to me to blame you at all. I had you on this pedestal…” I nodded and looked down, the tears stinging my eyes, threatening to spill. I wasn’t worthy of being on a pedestal, and from the look I’d seen in his eye when he said that…I thought maybe he now agreed. Quietly, and feeling very foolish, I confirmed that he should view me differently.

“We were. We were in love…and we both never wanted to hurt you.” He sighed and lowered his head. “I know. I think I know that now.” He rubbed his fingers down the side of my hand, tracing patterns in the skin subconsciously while he thought. Finally, he spoke again. “The fight…it was like…” He looked back up at me. “It felt like I was outside of myself, watching a really horrid movie that I couldn’t shut off. I don’t even really remember all of what I said or did. It was like I walked away from my body for a second.”

I nodded and looked away, hating what I’d driven him to. At the sound of his strained accent, I turned back to look at him. “All I felt was hate. All I could see was red.” His eyes searched mine as he spoke, occasionally drifting to the injury he never let himself forget about. “I couldn’t control anything my body was doing. I just wanted to hurt him.” He sighed again and looked at the ceiling. “I think I may have gone insane.”

He closed his eyes and shook his head. “I could have lost everything…
everything
.” He reopened his eyes and I frowned at the sorrow on his face. “Kellan is the reason I’m not in cuffs for assault right now.”

My mouth dropped open and my brow scrunched together so hard, it hurt my head. His dark eyes looked over my confused face. “I beat the shit out of him, Kiera. I knocked you unconscious. I could have kill… I
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