Thoughtless (66 page)

I took a step towards him, determined to be closer, even if I had to jump up on the stage with him. He looked away, out over the thinning crowd, and I watched several emotions pass over his face. It was almost like reading a book: confusion, joy, anger, sorrow, bliss, and then confusion again. Looking down briefly, he sniffed once and then carefully lowered himself to stand before me. My body hummed with the restraint to not touch him. He stepped closer to me and our hands in front of our bodies lightly brushed together. It sent fire through me, and he inhaled sharply.

Looking torn, he gently reached up and stroked a tear off my face with a knuckle. I closed my eyes and a small sob escaped me at the contact. I couldn’t even care that I probably looked horrid, my eyes tired and bloodshot from sleepless nights, my hair an unruly mess, even though my sister had attempted to fix it, and still dressed in my “moping” clothes - ratty lounge pants and a torn, long sleeve t-shirt. None of that mattered…because he was touching me, and it affected me, just as it had always affected me. He cupped my cheek and stepped closer to me, our bodies touching now. I brought a hand to his chest and exhaled with relief that his heart was hammering as hard as mine. He was feeling this too.

Then, some of the fans around us seemed to think we weren’t having a moment, and they had every right to intrude. I opened my eyes as some girls jostled me. He put an arm around me, to steady me, and stepped us away from the swarm a of couple spaces. Most of the girls acknowledged the retreat and left him alone. A particularly drunk blonde saw it as an opening instead. She aggressively walked up to him and grabbed his face, like she was going to kiss him. Anger flared in me, but before I could even react to her, he leaned back and removed her hands from his face. Then he almost harshly pushed the eager woman away from him.

I turned to stare at him and he looked down at me. I’d never seen him push anyone away, and definitely never that rudely. The girl did not
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appreciate that. From the corner of my eye, I noticed the woman narrow hers in drunken anger and swing her hand back for a maneuver that I knew all too well. My hand automatically reached up and grabbed her wrist, right before her hand made contact with his cheek. Kellan startled and looked back at her, seeming to finally understand that he’d just about been slapped again.

The woman dropped her mouth and looked me over with a comically surprised face. I thought she might fight me, but her cheeks suddenly flamed bright red, and she yanked her hand out of my grasp. Looking thoroughly embarrassed about what she’d almost done, she sheepishly backed off and disappeared into the crowd.

I felt Kellan chuckle beside me and I looked back at his small smile and warm eyes. The look had been gone for so long from my life, that I felt an actual pang looking at it. I smiled in kind and his eyes warmed even more. He nodded over at where the girl had disappeared to. “No one gets to smack me, but you?” he asked playfully.

“Damn straight,” I said, blushing furiously at my curse. He chuckled again and shook his head adorably. Bringing seriousness back to my voice,

I

quietly

said,

“Can

we

go

somewhere

without

so

many…admirers?”

Seriousness marked his face too and he slinked down to grab my hand. He deftly led us through the remaining fans, and pulled us into the hallway. Nerves flashed through me as I started wondering if he’d pull me into the backroom. Too many memories were in there. It was too secluded, too quiet. There was too much heat between us. Too much could happen in that room, and we had too many things to talk over.

Maybe he felt my reluctance, maybe he understood that we needed to talk, maybe he’d never intended to lead me in there - whatever his reason, he stopped in the hallway, well before the door, and I leaned against the wall in relief and confusion.

He stood in front of me, his hands loose at his sides and his eyes traveling the length of me. I felt heated under his intense gaze. Eventually his eyes stopped on my necklace, his necklace, and with shaking fingers,
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he reached out to touch it. One of his fingers brushed my skin as he felt the cool metal, and I closed my eyes.

“You’re wearing it. I didn’t think you would,” he muttered.

I opened my eyes and sighed as his deep blue ones locked onto mine.

It had been so long…

“Of course, Kellan.” I put my hand over his on my necklace and was struck with how much that tiny contact affected me. “Of course,” I repeated.

I tried to lace our fingers together, but he pulled his hand back and looked down the hallway. A few people were loitering around back here, coming in and out of the bathrooms, but it was relatively quiet and peaceful. He shook his head slightly, before returning his gaze to mine.

“Why are you here, Kiera?”

His question broke my heart. Did he really not want to ever see me again? Confused, I blurted out, “My sister.” He nodded, like that filled in all the blanks for him, and twisted his body like he was going to walk away. I grabbed his arm and roughly pulled him back to me. “You…for you.”

My voice was a little panicked when I said that, and his eyes narrowed a bit as he looked me over. “For me? You chose him, Kiera. Push come to shove…you chose him.”

I shook my head and pulled his arm closer, his body taking a step nearer as well. “No…I didn’t. Not at the end, I didn’t.” His brows scrunched together. “I heard you, Kiera. I was there, I heard you clearly-”

I cut him off. “No…I was just scared.” I pulled him even closer and put my other hand on his chest. “I was scared, Kellan. You’re…you’re so…” I suddenly didn’t know how to explain it to him, and I fumbled around for words.

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He stepped closer to me and suddenly our hips were touching. “I’m what?” he whispered.

The fire at his nearness flew through me, and I stopped trying to think about what to say and just let whatever wanted to come out, come out.

“I’ve never felt such passion, like I feel when I’m with you. I’ve never felt this heat.” My hand rubbed his chest and then pushed up to his face. His eyes watched me intensely, his lips parted as he breathed shallowly.

“You were right, I was scared to let go…but I was scared to let go of
him
to be with you, not the other way around. He was comfortable and safe and you… I got scared that the heat would burn out…and you’d leave me for someone better…and then I’d have nothing. That I’d throw Denny away for a hot romance, that would be over before I knew it, and I’d be alone. Flash fire,” I muttered.

His head lowered as his body pressed closer to me, our chest were touching as well now. “Is that what you think we had? Flash fire? Did you think I’d just throw you away if that fire died?” He said ‘if’, like the very idea was ridiculous to him.

He rested his head against mine and one of his legs shifted in-between mine. My breath picked up and then nearly stopped at his next words.

“You…the only woman I’ve ever loved…ever. You thought I’d toss that out? Do you really think anyone in this world, compares to you in my eyes?”

“I get that now, but, I panicked. I was scared…” My chin lifted until our parted lips brushed together.

He pulled back and took a step away from me. My hand clenched his arm to keep him from leaving. He looked down and then back up to me, his eyes struggling with wanting me and not wanting me. “You don’t think this scares me, Kiera?” He shook his head. “Do you think loving you has ever been easy for me…or even sometimes, pleasant?” I looked down at his words and swallowed loudly. I suppose loving me hasn’t always been a picnic for him. His next words confirmed that.

“You have put me through hell so many times, that I almost think I’m crazy for even talking to you right now.”

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A tear dripped down my cheek and I shifted my body to leave. He grabbed my shoulders and kept me held against the wall. I looked up at him and another tear hit my cheek. His thumb came up to tenderly wipe it away, and then both hands held my face and kept me looking at him.

“I know what we have is intense. I know it’s terrifying. I feel that too, believe me. But it’s real, Kiera.” His handed ghosted from his chest to mine, and then back again. “This is real and it’s deep, and it wouldn’t have just…burned out. I’m done with meaningless encounters. You’re everything I want. I’d never have strayed from you.” I brought my hands up to hold his face, to pull him into me, but he stepped back again before I could reach him. His eyes filled with an almost unbearable sadness as he gazed at me, a foot apart now. “I still can’t be with you though. How can I ever trust that…” his eyes drifted to the floor, and his voice quieted to barely reach me above the din of the hallway, “that you won’t leave
me
one day. As much as I miss you, that thought keeps me away.”

I took a step towards him and reached out for his hands. “Kellan, I’m so-”

He looked up at me and cut me off. “You left me for him, Kiera. Even if it was just some knee-jerk reaction, because the thought of us terrified you,” his brows scrunched together unhappily as he said those words,

“you still were going to leave me for him. How do I know that won’t happen again?”

“It won’t…I won’t ever leave you. I’m done being apart from you. I’m done denying what we have. I’m done being scared.” My tone came out surprisingly calm, and I was a little startled to realize that my nerves were calm too. I truly meant what I’d just said, maybe more than I’d ever meant anything I’d said to him.

He shook his head sadly. “I’m not, Kiera. I still need that minute…” I put my hand on his stomach and he looked down at it, but left it there. I murmured, “Do you still love me?” My breath stopped as I waited for his answer. I hoped from his expression and his song that he did, but I needed to hear him acknowledge it.

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He sighed and looked over my face. Slowly, he nodded. “You would never believe how much.”

I stepped closer to him and ran my hand up to his chest; he closed his eyes at the contact. My fingers ran over his heart and his hand came up to hold my fingers there. “I never left you…I kept you with me, here.” I thought he was being symbolic with that phrase, until I remembered Matt talking to Anna in the kitchen. He’d said, “…right over his heart…” I’d assumed at the time that Kellan had done something romantic for another woman, but what if he’d…

I moved my fingers to the collar of his shirt and pulled it down. He sighed softly, but dropped his hand and didn’t stop me as I stretched the fabric. I wasn’t sure what I was looking for, but then I saw the black markings on his once pristine skin. Confused, I pulled the shirt down farther. That was when my mouth dropped open in shock. He’d told me once that he couldn’t think of anything he’d want permanently etched into his skin, and here I was, staring at my own name in beautifully scripted letters, right above his heart. He literally had kept me with him.

My own heart cracked into pieces, as I traced the large swirling letters.

“Kellan…” My voice choked up and I had to swallow.

He moved his hand onto mine and pulled my fingers away from his skin, hiding his tattoo again. Interlacing our fingers, he brought them back to his chest and then rested his forehead against mine. “So…yes, yes I do still love you. I never stopped. But…Kiera…”

“Have you been with anyone else?” I whispered it, not sure if I really wanted to know or not.

He pulled back fractionally, and looked at me like I’d just asked him something he couldn’t even contemplate. “No…I haven’t wanted…” He shook his head lightly. “Have you?” he whispered.

I bit my lip and shook my head as well. “No. I just…I just want you.

We’re meant to be, Kellan. We need each other.” We both stepped together at the same time, until every inch of us was touching, head to foot. His other hand traveled to my hip as mine
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slipped around his waist. Without a thought, we both pulled each other even closer. My eyes kept drifting down to his lips and I made myself lift them back to his eyes. He was also staring at my mouth, and when he brought his tongue over his lower lip, followed by his teeth slowly dragging across them, my eyes quickly darted back down and I gave up trying not to stare.

“Kiera,” he started again, as his head angled down to me and mine angled up to him. “I thought I could leave you. I thought distance would make ‘this’ go away, and it’d get easier, but it hasn’t.” He shook his head slightly as I started to get lost in the overwhelmingly wonderful smell of him that was enveloping me. “Being apart from you is killing me. I feel lost without you.”

“I do too,” I murmured.

He exhaled brokenly; our mouths were only inches apart. Our fingers against his chest disentangled and I ran mine up over his shoulder. He dragged his slowly down my necklace again. He whispered, “I’ve thought about you every day.” I inhaled sharply as the very tips of his fingers traveled down my chest and over my bra. “I’ve dreamt about you every night.” The pads of his fingers trailed along my ribs, as mine reached around his neck to twirl around the hair at the back of his head.

We both kept drawing each other nearer while he talked, still attracted to each other, almost subconsciously.

“But…I don’t know how to let you back in.” His hand on my hip moved up my back and mine followed suit down his back. What I could see of his eyes, were flashing over my face, nervous and anxious, scared even. He looked the opposite of how I felt. His lips drifted even closer, until I could practically feel the heat coming off of them. My heart beat spiked and I closed my eyes when he whispered, “I don’t know how to keep you out either.”

Just then, he was pushed from behind, and for a fraction of a second I thought I heard my sister’s throaty chuckle, but I couldn’t focus long enough to be sure. My rational thoughts were suddenly obliterated.

Whoever had pushed him into me had closed the distance for us, and Kellan’s lips were now firmly on mine. We froze for a good ten seconds, and then stopped denying what we both wanted and began to move
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