Three Way (30 page)

She takes my glass from me and places it on the table. She leans in and kisses me, I close my eyes, savouring her taste, her smell. I try to imprint this moment into my mind. Remember this. Remember her. I feel her hands move over my groin. She rubs and kneads. I feel myself become hard. Our kisses become more urgent, passionate. The sensation whips around my head. The conflict inside me is intense but soon, the urges take over and we’re having sex on the sofa. Our bodies so close. As close as you can be with someone. Lauren Bates, who was there all along. Until right now.

‘What’s the matter with you?’ Ashley asks when I walk into the flat the next day. She sits with her legs tucked under her bum, watching daytime TV.

‘Nothing,’ I reply. Although what I really mean is everything.

‘Yeah? You look like you’re going to kill someone.’

‘This is my face, Ash. When I relax all my facial muscles this is what it looks like, okay?’

‘Okay.’

‘What are you doing?’ I ask.

‘Taking a break.’

‘A break from what?’ I ask. She shrugs and says something I don’t hear. ‘What?’

‘From playing the piano,’ she says. I turn.

‘Yeah? You been playing something?’

‘I’ve been thinking about what you said, and maybe I could try and record some of the stuff I play.’

‘You should. You’re good,’ I say, heading into the kitchen. I switch on the kettle and find the tea bags. Ashley appears at the door.

‘You see Lauren?’ she asks. I pause and glance down, nodding. ‘Something happen?’ I turn to face her and sigh.

‘She’s got a new job,’ I say. Ashley waits, then raises her eyebrows when I don’t say anything else.

‘Right? So..?’

‘In New York,’ I say.

‘Ah. Shit. That sucks.’

‘Yeah,’ I say, sighing again.

‘What does that mean then?’ she asks.

‘I dunno, she wants me to go live with her,’ I say.

‘Really? You gonna go?’ she asks. I look at her then over to the window.

‘I don’t know.’

‘Hey, come on,’ she says, stepping towards me. She puts her arms around me. Feels good. ‘Just have to work out if she’s worth it. Is that what you want to do? Big thing, moving to another country.’

‘I just don’t think I can. And it’s not like we’ve been going out for very long. It’s a bit too soon for this sort of stuff.’

‘Do you love her?’ Ashley asks. I consider the question. Do I love her? I can’t possibly love someone after such a short amount of time. I was begging Svetla to have me back only a few days ago, how can I possibly be in love with Lauren?

‘I don’t think so.’

‘You need to let this sit. Can’t make any decisions yet. When does she go?’

‘Not until October.’

‘Right, well that’s like two months away. You’ve got a bit of time. Maybe things will change, anything could happen. She could get fired,’ she says, smiling. She’s trying to make me feel better and I appreciate it, but it doesn’t change the sinking feeling in my stomach. I finish making the tea.

‘So…you want to hear my song? I’m not saying it will cheer you up or anything but…’ she asks. I smile.

‘Sure,’ I reply. Why not, can’t make me feel any worse. Maybe this will take my mind off it all.

I grab my cup of tea and we walk into Parker’s room. I sit on his bed and she takes a seat at the piano. She switches it on and plays a couple of notes to check it’s working.

‘Okay, so just remember this is really rough and I haven’t quite got the lyrics right yet.’

‘Sure,’ I say.

‘Okay,’ she says. I hear the nerves in her voice. She starts to play, a slow melancholy song. I watch her move with the melody, her eyes close and she starts to sing.

Where I am

The place you dwell

A place for my heart

The place we died

The song becomes more stirring, her voice more emotional.

We lived, we soared

We died, we fell

Where I am

Take my soul

The lies from your mouth

The lies

Those lies

Were all you had

That’s where I am

I’m spellbound, my heart moving with every key she plays. It’s one of the most beautiful pieces of music I’ve ever heard and I’m not over-egging it. I breathe back the emotions that build inside me. My mind flashes to Lauren. Lovely, beautiful Lauren. Don’t go, Lauren.

Ashley slows right down to note after note, then stops. I swallow, she opens her eyes and turns to me. I close my mouth and shake my head, trying to find something appropriate to say.

‘Jesus, Ash.’

‘You hate it, don’t you? I can see you hate it.’

‘I don’t hate it. It’s one of the most beautiful pieces of music I’ve ever heard,’ I say, still in mild shock.

‘Shut up,’ she says, smiling.

‘I’m serious. That was absolutely amazing,’ I say, grabbing her arm. She looks at my hand then at me.

‘Really?’ she says with a raised eyebrow.

‘Yeah. You seriously don’t know how good that was?’

‘I’m just…playing around.’

‘Fuck me Ashley. If that’s you just playing around, I can’t imagine what it’ll be like when you really put your all into it.’

‘Are you being serious, because you’re starting to get my hopes up?’

‘I wouldn’t joke about something like this. You need to get this recorded and burned onto a CD. I’ll help you.’

‘Okay.’

‘Have you got any other songs?’

‘Of course, loads,’ she replies. She really has no idea how much talent she has. And to think she was a barmaid last week. My friend is going to be a superstar. At least one of us has it figured out.

I sit at my laptop trying to burn Ashley’s songs onto a CD. The bloody program is being an arse and won’t do what I need it to. This should be so easy, so why is it turning into such a mare? My mobile rings, I glance at the display. Lauren. I answer it.

‘Hi,’ I say.

‘Hi,’ she says. She sounds upset.

‘You okay?’

‘Yeah, you know, just…having trouble with this job thing. You?’

‘Yeah, me too.’

‘I have to go. I can’t not go,’ she says.

‘I know. I get it. It’s just, sad.’

‘Yeah,’ she says. Silence on the other end of the phone. I swallow. God, this is so bloody tragic. Maybe I should take charge, end it now. I can’t, I don’t want to. ‘What are you doing now?’ she asks.

‘Nothing, just burning a CD. Or trying to.’

‘Can I come over?’

‘Sure, that’d be nice. Ashley’s here.’

‘That’s okay. I’ll be over in an hour or so.’

‘Cool, see you then,’ I say, hanging up. I stand and walk into the living room. Ashley sits on the sofa, a cup of tea in her hand.

‘Did you get it burned?’ Ashley asks, sipping her tea.

‘No, still messing about with it. Lauren’s coming over.’

‘Oh. Do you want me to go out?’

‘No, it’s cool. We’ll just go to my room,’ I say, sitting down on the sofa next to her.

‘You’re really upset about her, aren’t you?’ she says. I look up and shake my head. ‘Oh Ollie,’ she puts her cup down and wraps her arm around me, giving me a hug. Why am I being such a fucking girl? What the hell is the matter with me? I’m not crying by the way because that would be really crap. But I’ll admit I’m a little emotional.

‘If I hadn’t spent so long worrying about Svetla and actually paid attention to Lauren, I mean properly paid attention, maybe-’

‘She’d still be going to New York,’ says Ashley.

‘Yeah. Right.’

‘But you’re right, sometimes the person you love is right there in front of you,’ she says.

‘Exactly,’ I say. Ashley breathes out fast then glances at me, a strange look in her eye. She starts chewing a fingernail. We sit in silence for a moment then she says,

‘I need to tell you something.’

‘Oh?’

‘Yeah and you may not like it,’ she says. I turn to face her. She’s staring at me with a very strange look. Oh God, what now?

‘What?’ I reply. When I get no response I say, ‘what is it?’ She sighs and looks away, her eyes staring at the floor.

‘You remember Claire Arthur’s eighteenth birthday party?’ I frown and think for a moment. Man, that feels like a lifetime ago.

‘Vaguely. I was very drunk. As were you.’

‘Yeah. You remember Jane Sommers?’ Where is she going with this?

‘What is this, a history lesson of my ex girlfriends?’ I ask.

‘You remember me saying it wasn’t going to work with Claire?’ she says. I chuckle at the memory.

‘Yeah, you really didn’t like her.’

‘No. Or Jane or any of them frankly,’ Ashley replies, her voice calm. I don’t like this. I’m suddenly scared about what Ashley is going to say.

‘Yeah, but Jane was a girlie girl. You’re not really like that.’

‘I got you to split up with both of them.’

‘No. We just decided or rather they decided-’

‘Ollie, every girlfriend you had at school never lasted longer than a few weeks. Didn’t you ever ask yourself why that was?’

‘Maybe I wasn’t too bothered about them, and every time I broke up with someone-’

‘We’d start fooling around,’ she finishes.

‘But…we were always just friends…weren’t we?’ I say. Ashley shakes her head, a simple smile on her face.

‘Men are so stupid sometimes,’ she says. We stare at each other. I suddenly know where this is headed. Surely…she can’t be telling me-

‘So…what are you saying?’ I ask. She tilts her head.

‘What do you think I’m saying?’ she says. I shake my head, trying to come up with an answer. This is huge. This is more than huge.

‘I…I didn’t think you were interested. I mean, you always said you didn’t want to get attached.’

‘Come on, Ollie. First rule of ‘friends that shag,’ someone always wants more.’

‘So? That was ages ago.’ I’m playing dumb, I know I am, but I can’t get my head round this. Ashley raises her eyebrows.

‘Do I really have to spell it out for you?’ Oh. My. God.

‘Shit, Ashley…all this time?’ I say. She closes her slowly eyes then flicks them open to me.

‘I don’t expect anything to change. You’re with Lauren and I bet you end up going to New York. And even if you don’t, I don’t want anything from you. I’m…I’m just sick of carrying this around,’ she says. I honestly don’t know what to say. Ashley and me? A proper couple? Christ. I mean, I always thought it was just about the sex. We’d attempted a relationship before, it had never worked out. This makes things more complicated.

‘We tried going out, remember? It never worked,’ I say, quietly.

‘No we didn’t really try, Ollie. There were simply times when neither of us was with anyone else.’ I breathe out fast and shake my head.

‘So…all this time...’ I say. She nods slowly.

‘I love you, Ollie. Always have, probably always will.’ I stare at her, unable to find suitable words for the bombshell exploding around me. ‘Okay, well…thanks for telling me, I guess,’ I say.

‘No worries,’ she replies. A silence descends into our conversation. I don’t know what to say. Fuck. Then she says, ‘In fact, I think I will go out. Leave you two to talk properly.’ She stands and clicks the TV off.

‘Hang on, you can’t just throw that bomb in and leave.’

‘Why? Not like you’re going to split up with Lauren and be with me. Not even sure I want that, it’s been unrequited for so long, I’m sort of used to it,’ she says, rolling her eyes. ‘God, listen to me. Pathetic. Excuse me.’ I grab her arm.

‘Wait, Ash. Let’s talk properly. This is pretty big, right?’

‘Yeah. But it’ll hold,’ she says, looking down at my hand, ‘can you let go of my arm, please?’ I do as she says. I follow her out into the hallway where she takes her coat off the hook. ‘I feel bad Ash, don’t go.’