Touch Me There (4 page)

Prologue‌

The popular press always loves a good erotic spot, and they regularly cele- brate the “latest” way to drive your lover crazy with just the right touch of a bodily button. Hardly a month goes by without magazine stories an- nouncing a “new” must-test erogenous zone, with results practically guar- anteed to rock your world and your sex life. The public responds with bated breath, hoping that maybe this time they will be astounded, their love lives transformed forever. Such articles sell publications because there is a great desire and a great need for better loving, better relation- ships, and better communication between lovers everywhere.

As a sex expert, I am often asked to provide comments for magazine articles on where to touch one’s partner for the best sensations ever and, more importantly, how to do it with the skill and expertise of a sexologist. But whether questions are posed by a journalist, one of my students, a visi- tor to my Sexuality Source website, or an audience member at one of my speaking engagements, people always want to know: Where should I touch him? Why am I not doing this right? How should I stimulate her? How long till we see results? What other—and better—ways can this be done? Is it possible to be orgasmic—or more orgasmic? That’s why I was really excited to tackle a book that brings it all together, a first-of-its-kind work that offers people of all orientations everywhere a one-stop resource exclusively devoted to all of the human body’s hottest spots and how to turn them on.

Since I’ve been writing, lecturing, and working with the media about sex and relationships for over a decade, I put a lot of pressure on myself to keep things stimulating. It can be all too easy to take it for granted that dealing with sex automatically makes my commentary and content sexy

—and that people are going to stay tuned in just because it’s about sex. So

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Touch Me There!

to keep both of us engaged throughout this book and to truly show the rich depth of our sexual nature and erogenous zones, I go way beyond the “what is where” and the “how to turn it on” and delve deeper into the topic of hot spots by fusing together beliefs and practices from different dis- ciplines, primarily tantra, yoga, reflexology, and acupressure. In essence, this book gives people the “CliffsNotes” understanding of sexual intimacy they’ve longed for while letting them get right to the fun part of turning themselves and their lover(s) on.

Whether you’re a novice or seasoned lover, whether you’re after self- pleasuring or making all of your lover’s wishes come true, this read should prove irresistible. It presents all of the female and male erogenous zones, as well as all of the hot spots shared by the sexes. For each spot, where ap- propriate, I discuss what makes that particular erogenous zone such a big deal, whether it’s related to a specific type of orgasm, the rules for playing with it, and how to effectively stimulate it for the best results, whether it is with your finger, hand, tongue, or another body part that might surprise you. In addition, I am particularly excited about the information I’ve in- cluded on incorporating acupressure and yoga action into your sex play. Although many people are aware that these holistic practices are good for you, many don’t realize how amazing they can be for your sex life. In this book, you will learn just how!

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Your Hot Spots in Perspective

H

ow to stimulate one’s hot spots, whether your own or your lover’s, can be a piece of cake—that is, once you know the recipe. The secret

to becoming a rave-inspiring “master chef ” in the bedroom is knowing when (and how) to throw in a dash of this or a pinch of that, turn up the heat, let things simmer a bit, or even mix up the ingredients. It’s also im- portant to know why the right blend makes things so sweet. This book gives you all of the tools you need to make sure that you and your lover are sexually satisfied. It also incorporates information from tantra, yoga, acu- pressure, and reflexology. Think of these as “secret ingredients” that will help you create your orgasmic masterpiece.

In addition to being a sex educator, I consider myself a lifelong learner. In this book I offer not only facts I’ve learned while training to be a sexologist, but also lessons I’ve picked up in my journey to becoming more sexually enlightened myself. In the middle of my doctoral training at NYU, after having answered countless questions through my sex col- umn in the student newspaper and on various sexuality websites, I found myself hungering for something more—for better, richer answers. Cookie- cutter, basic, “you-just-do-this” answers that every other “sexpert” spouts were not enough. I felt that the people I’m serving deserve more. Lovers everywhere want to learn more in their quest to understand themselves as sexual beings, so I decided to write a sex book that would go into greater

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detail than others and that would cover
all
the body’s hot spots, not just the ones people are most familiar with. The result is the volume you hold in your hands.

With so many erogenous zones seriously neglected (besides the geni- tals and breasts), it is important to learn about all of our erotic spots, from head to toe. With the right amount of time and attention, a plethora of seemingly innocent areas of the body can trigger results ranging from nip- ple hardening to tingling nerve activation to otherworldly orgasm. By positively embracing the erotic potential of any part of the human body, new lovers can begin their sexual relationship with even more fireworks, and longer-term partners can reactivate the sparks and passion that ini- tially helped bring them together. Whether it’s your first or your ten- thousandth time together, with this book you’ll embark upon never-imag- ined, wonder-filled sexual adventures that trump anything you’ve ever known—as long as we establish an agreement of sorts.

What You Must Promise

As we journey through this book together, I need for you to promise me three things. First, it’s important to realize that when it comes to orgasmic hot spots, people tend to limit their erotic potential to the genitals. And although your groin and reproductive organs are full of climactic triggers, you need to conceptualize your body as a vast landscape of Touch-Me- There (or -Here) spots. While taking a tour through every area, every crevice, every inner working, you must see the human body as a vibrant energy source, full of simmering hot spots just waiting for eruptive release. It is only then that you can find all of your and your lover’s most titillat- ing erogenous zones. Only then will you discover that the human body is a personal paradise, knowledge that will open you up to a new realm of sexual exploration and experiences.

Furthermore, you need to take your time exploring these wondrous islands. Know that these are the first of many amazing trips to come and that pleasuring a spot or two, not even necessarily a major hot spot, may be as satisfying or even more so than the sex play you’re used to. No mat- ter what the spot is, don’t
always
approach stimulating it as merely a

“pregame” activity, even though it may serve that purpose some of the time. It is important to realize that any of the exercises in this book can be the main event. Intimacy does not need to involve intercourse—or or- gasm for that matter—for it to be deemed sex, complete, or “successful.” Being able to stay in the moment—attentive to what’s present rather than to what’s to come or where things might be going—will make your en- counter all the more fulfilling.

Second, you must be willing to reevaluate how you communicate in your relationship(s) and how your communication can be improved. Peo- ple are generally not taught how to communicate effectively in intimate relationships. On the whole, humans are terrible at letting others know how they’re truly feeling, what they’re really thinking, and what they ab- solutely need. There’s so much threat, so much fear—and things get even more complicated when it comes to a taboo subject like sex! Letting your needs, wants, desires, and turn-offs be known can be one of the most in- timidating, difficult things to do, especially if you’re worried about bruis- ing the ego of someone you love. Often, sexual communication boils down to a guessing game, full of assumptions. If you want to take charge of your erogenous zones and find your lover’s, you must be willing to practice some of the communication strategies offered in this book. It is okay to let your lover know what feels good, to tell your partner how and where to touch you—and how and where
not
to touch you. It’s equally okay to let your lover know what doesn’t feel good or what isn’t working. The trick is in
how
it’s communicated, as this book will show.

The need to communicate effectively cannot be emphasized enough, so throughout the book I will provide tips to help you and your lover check in with each other. For now, let me highlight some basic communi- cation techniques:

• Never deliver feedback that’s critical. Not only are critical com- ments hurtful, but they are also unlikely to give you the response you’re after. Use constructive criticism; for example, “I like the way this feels, and I am thinking that rubbing it more this way will make it feel out of this world.”
  
• Use aids in communicating. For example, show your lover specifically
  

  what you’d like to do or have done, perhaps based on something you’ve read in this book. Introducing feedback as an idea instead of as something that needs to be improved upon will keep positive en- ergy flowing.
  

• Remember that nonverbal cues are a form of communication. Mov- ing your lover’s hand, applying pressure over your lover’s fingers, or breathing more heavily are all ways to let your lover know what you’d like and how you’re reacting.
  
• Say “Stop” when you need to, and then say some encouraging words to restart the action. Have an agreement ahead of time that the two of you will check in with each other about whether or not more stimu- lation is needed.
  
• Listen to each other. Don’t get so caught up in your own satisfaction and desires that you’re not paying attention to your partner’s needs. Tuning out can truly kill the moment.
  

Now to the third part of our agreement: To get the most out of this book you need to be open-minded. Societal myths and taboos, as well as research findings that make generalizations, often influence people’s sex- play exploration, limiting their experiences, pleasure, and orgasmic po- tential. For many people, erotic areas have more to do with what they’ve experienced or been told than with what they’re open to, further stifling their acceptance of new ideas and possible sensations. So it’s important to be open to new information that challenges preconceived notions about what can be a turn-on and what you should or shouldn’t do in bed. As we uncover your body’s hot spots, we’ll demystify some of these myths, al- lowing you to better decide if certain sex acts are right for you and your partner. We’ll also tackle taboos that can prevent lovers from finding novel forms of pleasure.

What You Must Know

The following few pages contain some of the book’s most important infor- mation. Think of this material as foundational knowledge that will help you perform the exercises in a more meaningful, rewarding way.

This book is rooted in practices for relaxation, healing, and sexual sat- isfaction that focus on the body’s energy centers and erogenous zones. It pulls together concepts utilized in tantric sex, yoga, acupressure, and re- flexology. It is hoped that exposure to these overlapping yet diverse per- spectives will help you discover and stimulate your and your partner’s hot spots even more effectively, with even more tremendous results. Under- standing how different parts of the body, including erotic areas, are inter- connected and how they influence and stimulate each other helps to frame each hot spot’s erogenous qualities and its potential to contribute to better sex and intimacy. Rushing straight to a spot without utilizing the essential knowledge included in this book robs lovers of an opportunity to realize an area’s full power to create amazing physical sensations, to de- liver an improved and healthier state of mind, and to nurture the spirit. Tapping into this information can give individuals and couples alike a full menu of ways to experience and express their sexuality, feelings, and energy.

Many moons ago, sexual pleasure was used as a tool to build a health- ier, more invigorated body and as a way for lovers to become more deeply in tune with themselves and each other. Sexual practices involving exer- cise and massage were cultivated to strengthen the sexual organs and the body’s senses and to support relationships. In this spirit, I’ve included dis- cussions and activities throughout the book that will serve as a framework not only to help erotic areas feel sensational, but ultimately to generate much more intimacy between you and your partner—physically, emo- tionally, sexually, and spiritually.

Let’s take our first plunge into some of those important concepts.

Tantric Energy Centers

Tantra is an ancient Eastern spiritual practice that seeks to foster sexual energy by merging sex with the spirit. Tantric sex uses the powerful force of intimacy between partners, often released in the form of orgasm, as a fuel for personal transformation and self-realization. In the tantric tradi- tion, the path to stimulating one’s energies starts with understanding the body’s chakras. The Sanskrit word “chakra,” meaning “wheel,” “disc,” or