Tough Love (15 page)

The wine was poured and the candles lit, but I wasn’t ready to eat just yet. I grabbed Brendan’s hand and asked him to look at me.

“I know we’ve been back together only a couple of weeks and things haven’t been easy, but I want you to know how much I appreciate tonight. Dinner looks delicious, and I love my cake. Thank you for being so thoughtful. I love you.”

“I love you too, baby.” Brendan grabbed my face with both hands and kissed me tenderly. I felt his lips move slightly and then his tongue licked the bottom edge of my top lip. We got lost in each other for a few minutes before he interjected. “Our food is going to get cold.”

“I know,” I moaned. “Can we pick up later where we left off?”

I could tell that my comment surprised him by the sudden gleam in his eye. “Well, of course we can. In fact, I’m looking forward to it.”

I had to let out some breath just to keep from exploding. I could feel the effects of him all over my body, from the spinning of my mind to the tingling in the pit of my stomach. The sexual tension was undeniable.

But first things first: we needed to eat. My New York strip steak was nothing short of scrumptious; I barely needed any steak sauce with it. When I was finished with my meal, Brendan took away my plate and brought back two saucers for the cake.

“I’m sorry that I didn’t have the money to buy a proper gift,” he confessed. “But that’s why the cake had to be perfect. This is your present.”

“No, babe, it’s fine. I really do love it; it’s so pretty!” As I said those words, I couldn’t help but realize this was how our life together would be. Brendan was probably never going to have a career, and so the money in our lives would always be scarce. Sure, he’d have a job of some sort--dishwasher, a grocery store doing stock-but it probably would never be enough to sustain a family. As a teacher, I would be the primary moneymaker in our household. Brendan would be content to be the lazy one.

“If you think it looks good, wait until you taste it.” He used a fork to cut a small piece out of one of the corners and fed it to me.

“Mmm, that
is
tasty. Here, you try.” And I returned the favor.

We were still finishing our cake when the rest of the family came home. By now it was late, and the girls needed to get to bed soon. After I kissed both of them goodnight, Brendan took my hand.

“Want to go outside and look at the stars?” he asked.

He led me outside to where the screen tent was set up. Things progressed very naturally, and we ended up much closer than I’d anticipated. We’d had intimate moments before, but nothing like this, never this serious.

Truth be told, I enjoyed having his hands explore my body that night. I liked their softness on my skin, making me feel beautiful. He used one hand to unbutton the top of my dress while the other lifted my skirt, following the curve of my leg up to my hip and across to my stomach. His mouth left mine and found other places to explore.

At some point, my conscious kicked back in, and I realized where things were headed. I’d done the research; I knew the facts. Some bodily fluids, like saliva, were fine to exchange. Others were just playing with fire, and I was dangerously close to being burned.

“Brendan?” I breathed, trying to keep my head together.

“Hmm?” he responded, his mouth still busy.

“We need to stop.” The regret in my voice was obvious, but I hoped that he didn’t mistake it for low resolve. He sighed, so I continued.

“I know, but it’s getting late, and I’d like to spend some time with my parents while it’s still my birthday.”

I felt my dress lower back down to my calves and knew that it was over. We kissed several more times before sitting up. He helped me look presentable again so that I could tell Grandma and Grandpa good night before Brendan took me home.

“I had a wonderful time tonight, thank you so much,” I told him while he drove.

“Well, it’s not every day that the love of your life turns eighteen, you know. I wanted to make it special for you.” He turned to wink at me.

I squeezed his hand. “And it was. I could not have asked for a better party.”

I don’t think he could sense the regret I felt, which was two-fold. First, I felt horrible for not spending any time with my parents that day, especially after the past two years when things seemed to be going so right.

In just a few weeks’ time, I had allowed Brendan to come back into my life and change things again, perhaps even more drastically than he had before. I wasn’t sure how my parents felt about us being back together, but I could guess, just like I could guess they were disheartened I’d chosen him over them.

Secondly, I could not help but be sorry for how far I’d allowed things to go with Brendan. It was never my intention to come so close to having intercourse with him, especially that night but I didn’t seem to have much control over myself. There was still a part of me, even after losing him and having him come back to me, that couldn’t believe we were together. I wasn’t worried about him leaving me if I didn’t cross that line; it was more like I wanted to give him a reason to stay with me, because I saw no other reason. I saw no other way.

I was surprised to see how dark the house was when we pulled up. My family should not have been in bed—the clock in the car said it was 9:30—yet I couldn’t see any lights on at all. They had left the porch light on for me, which made me feel a little better, but not much.

I kissed Brendan goodnight and walked up the steps to the silent house. I was glad I’d thought to take my key because the door was locked. As I went inside, I could see I’d been mistaken about no lights being on. The dining room light was the only thing illuminating the whole house. I walked toward it and felt my stomach drop when I saw what was on the table: birthday presents and a card.

I didn’t think that I could feel worse (or more guilty) until I read the card. It was obvious that my parents loved me and I was ruining everything…again. Ugh! What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I just tell him no or to stay away from me?

I gathered my gifts and trudged up the steps to my room. Even though I wasn’t making any noise, I hoped my parents would come out of their room, hug me, and tell me everything would be all right. But they didn’t. Instead, they stayed there and I walked down the long hallway to my room, my private sanctuary where I could just lie down and cry.

“I can’t believe I’m helping you leave me.”

Brendan and I were busy packing my bags for college; the “Mom and Dad express” was leaving in the morning.

“That’s not what this is,” I told him. “I’ll be back, you know.”

I put down the blouse that I was folding, walked to where he stood at my dresser and pulled him into an embrace.

“I guess I know that, but it still feels like it,” he confessed. “When is your first break again?”

I thought of my schedule for a second. “Well, there’s Labor Day but I probably won’t come home for that. So, fall break, I guess, which is in October.”

He reached around his back and un-latched my fingers from around him. “October? Oh my God, that’s like six weeks away!” he yelled.

“Yes I know, but--”

He interrupted me. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get angry.” We sat down on the bed together. “But, well, I just got you back a few weeks ago, and now you have to leave.”

It wasn’t that he was lying; we
had
been back together only a few weeks. But honestly, whose fault was that? He’d left me broken and bleeding on the floor, and I was still working on putting the pieces back together.

“I’m just going to miss you so much. What am I gonna do without you?” He leaned in and gave me a kiss.

“You will figure something out, I’m sure. You should take some time and look for a job. How are you going to visit me if you don’t have any money?”

I was half-teasing, but it was true. Just like with every other aspect of our relationship, it would be me making every effort, every sacrifice.

“You have a point; I’ll see what I can do,” he promised.

We stopped packing long before he had to leave. There would not be any time to say goodbye in the morning, and we knew that a quick farewell was out of the question, so we just lay there in each other’s arms for a while.

I thought back over the past three weeks. So much had happened since my birthday that night; time had gone by quickly, and yet it seemed a lifetime ago.

Three days after my celebration, Brendan began a clinical trial at one of the hospitals. He’d heard about it from an old friend and was interested in trying a new set of meds called the AZT cocktail. We went to his first appointment together and met Peggy, the nurse who would be helping us for the next six months. We discussed how important a support system is for HIV patients and how support does not equal enabling. I assured her I would always push Brendan to take his medication, even from 200 miles away.

I also worked hard to form a support team who could assist Brendan in my absence. Grandma and Grandpa were on board, as were Hannah and Natalie. There was also my family—well, my mom—who was willing to give some guidance.

The next step was for us to talk with one of our friends and ask him for help. Tony Campbell, known to us as “Bear,” was the one we chose. I remembered Bear from junior high and knew his reputation. He was a typical early '90’s stoner kid: smoker, long dirty hair, skipping school. Yep, exactly like Brendan was at his age. They’d hit it off right from the start.

To top that, Bear’s girlfriend Allie and I became fast friends. We would spend hours together while the guys worked on cars. Time went fast when we were at their place, and it gave Brendan and me somewhere to be without the ever-watching eyes of my family.

The four of us were upstairs, hanging out in Bear’s apartment atop his parents’ home. Allie was sitting on a corner of their bed. Bear’s head was in her lap, and she was stroking his chestnut hair. Brendan and I sat next to each other, hand-in-hand on the loveseat.

“Listen, there’s something Janessa and I need to talk to you guys about,” Brendan began. I could hear the uncertainty in his voice; were we both sure this was the right time to tell them? I squeezed his hand in support. Bear and Allie waited patiently.

“Ok, this isn’t easy for me to say…”

“And it’s not going to be easy for you guys to hear,” I interrupted, looking at them.

Bear sat up and said, “Hey, man, what is it?”

Brendan took one more deep breath before saying, “I’m HIV positive.”

I’m not sure what we were prepared for; gasping, maybe or even Bear telling us to get out and never come back. But we were definitely not expecting what happened.

Bear immediately laid his head back down in Allie’s lap. At first I wasn’t sure what he was doing but then I realized he was shaking. This boy, so hard and tough on the exterior, was sobbing at hearing this news.

I looked up to Allie’s face and saw that she was crying too. A silent understanding traveled between us; one that said she was sorry. For everything. Sorry that Brendan was HIV+. Sorry that he and I were having trust issues. Sorry that I would be dealing with this while in college, living three hours away.

After a few minutes, Bear looked up, tears still visible on his face. “Brendan, c’mere,” he said.

Brendan got up and went to sit by his best friend, not quite knowing what to expect. Bear sat up on his knees and reached toward Brendan; I cringed, scared that Bear was going to slap him. Instead, Brendan was pulled into a supportive hug, releasing all of the fear and tension that had built up in the room. Within seconds, Allie and I were doing the same thing.

Naturally they had a lot of questions, like what was going to happen between the two of us.

“We’re together,” Brendan said. “Period.”

“Right,” I affirmed. “You don’t stop loving somebody just because they get sick.”

And with those words, I wasn’t just speaking for myself. I knew that the two of them agreed and it felt wonderful.

Brendan’s soft snoring brought me back to the present; his breathing was even, and I realized he’d fallen asleep there in my arms. I smiled, knowing that he was relaxed and at peace, even while he was fighting for his life.

I felt so torn about college while lying there with him. It was going to be a whole new atmosphere for me, and I was really looking forward to that. I longed to be someone other than who I’d always been; who I’d always been expected to be. But then again, I didn’t want to leave him. I had to take care of him to make sure that he would get his pills right and attend all of his appointments. If I couldn’t save him, who was going to?

I glanced at the alarm clock on my nightstand. It was almost my curfew. I stroked Brendan’s cheek with my finger.

“Babe,” I whispered. “Hey, wake up. It’s almost time for you to go home.”

He stretched and yawned. “Oh, wow, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to fall asleep,” he apologized.

“I know you didn’t, but that’s okay. Besides it gave me some time to think. I’ve made a decision about something.”

Brendan shifted and sat up so that he could see my face.

“A decision? About what?”