Toxic People: Decontaminate Difficult People at Work Without Using Weapons or Duct Tape (5 page)

“
What
questions do you have?”

“Could you explain
why
we need to use the Widget software instead of the Acme software?

“
When
do you think the deadline should be?”

“
Where
else can we look for resources to help us?”

“
How
much budget do you think this project needs?”

Study the following sentences and make them part of your approach when dealing with a Zipper Lip:

“It seems like you’re giving this some thought. Tell me two things that are coming to mind.”

“I expected you to have responded by now and you haven’t, so I’ll just wait.”

“I need to know how you feel about this.”

Behaviors to Avoid

Don’t let Zipper Lips think they are getting away with being quiet.

Train yourself to call them on their behavior—just be tactful and timely. Don’t validate their lack of communication by giving them the cold shoulder. This just backs them further into their shells.

Don’t blame yourself. This is about
their
choices about how to gain control or feel secure. Criticism will just make them more silent and withholding.

Take II: How It Should Sound

Sally was at it again—not contributing to the team brainstorming meeting. Jim, the team leader, was tired of Sally’s lack of participation and concerned because she didn’t seem to be carrying her weight. The entire company was working with limited resources, including minimal staffing numbers, so they needed every single member of the team to commit, communicate, and share their expertise. Sally had become dead weight and a real pain to the team members who counted on her.

Wisely, the team had set ground rules early and agreed that if there were any members not showing the proper behaviors, anyone could approach the issue, either privately or within the group, to address the problem. Jim set up a coffee meeting with her. He was straightforward and said, “Sally, I’m concerned about your lack of enthusiasm and input with the team. As you know, we as a team set ground rules on how we would interact and communicate. As the spokesperson for the group, I’d like to hear what needs to happen to get you to participate.” Sally said nothing, and Jim had to repeat his request. Still nothing. He then reminded her of the specific ground rules they had set.

Staying calm, Jim continued, “I know you are great at finding the pieces of the plan that we typically overlook. Personally, I need your help and would like to hear your suggestions.” Timidly, Sally offered, “Well, there was one thing. . . .” and the conversation was under way.

Jim asked her approval for him to share this tidbit with the group. In the next meeting, Sally saw the positive response Jim received. As she felt more comfortable, she began to contribute to the meetings.

If you are saying to yourself right now, “That will never work in my situation!,” you are right. You have trained yourself to buy into the Zipper Lip’s poor behavior and lack of accountability. Try a different approach. You will be amazed how well it works.

Take 1: How They Sound

Carol had worked hard to build a wonderful relationship with the company president, Jeffery. Lynn was hired in a similar capacity and immediately started a campaign to bring down Carol and undermine Jeffery’s confidence in her. She told him some untrue stories about Carol criticizing his leadership capabilities. The fables were believable, and Carol heard through the grapevine that there was a chance she would be fired and Lynn would take her position.

Names Will Never Hurt Me

You may have heard Backstabbers like Lynn being referred to as psychopaths or snakes in suits. Interestingly, as many as one out of every 30 people in high-performing business situations has been identified as a Backstabber. This rate is several times higher than that of the general population. Are you surprised? These people have little conscience or ability to develop one. Their only goals seem to be power and personal gain. Maybe you’ve seen Backstabbers ruin other people’s careers. Maybe you’ve been hurt by one yourself.

What to Look For

Backstabbers are gossips, and not only are they an integral part of the grapevine, they usually are the vineyard manager! Backstabbers spread damaging rumors and try to break down existing friend-ships. Taking credit for others’ work and finding reasons to blame other people whenever anything goes wrong are typical behaviors for them.

Their cleverness includes quickly determining other people’s limitations and taking advantage of their weaknesses. Attacking from behind and not directly, they cleverly stab with words and wound with put-downs, and then they have the gall to hide and pretend they have done nothing wrong. Interestingly, they are good at building alliances and will try ganging up before attacking.

Backstabber Sam found out that Sara was very shy and nervous, especially when presenting. Building a relationship with her was critical for his gain. He set up a team meeting and nominated Sara to present to the senior leadership group, encouraging the rest of the team to back him up in this decision. At the last minute, Sam changed the Power-Point presentation and focus of the meeting, sending Sara into a spin. She failed miserably, and Sam jumped in and rescued the situation, making himself look like a hero to the leadership group.

The Message the Backstabber Sends

You have already figured out that if you mess with Backstabbers they will get you later. Messages they send include:

“Be careful what you say about me, or I’ll say something that will embarrass you in front of others.”

“There is nothing you can do to stop me; I’m more clever than you are.”

Sometimes Backstabbers will even send another kind of message, such as, “I’m only trying to be helpful. Maybe you don’t see the weakness in yourself. It’s lucky for you I’m honest. Listen to my feedback if you want to succeed.”

Survival Tactics

You need to try to build a positive relationship with Backstabbers and anyone they have enlisted. The more your coworkers like you, the less they will side with them.
Never
say anything negative about the Backstabbers. If they find out, they will turn
you
into the troublemaker.

If a Backstabber tells you that someone else in the office doesn’t like you or has it in for you, go to the person directly and ask if it’s true. The Backstabber has probably told the other person a similar story about you. These lies can be exposed when there is good communication in your workplace. And yes, it is your job to start the process of clarification. Don’t wait for it to improve on its own.

Keep careful records if you truly believe the Backstabber is trying to ruin your career. You need dates, times, information, interactions, and other data. Use a daily planner or calendar. You can then substantiate what has actually happened. When you can, indicate witnesses and include their approval.

If you are told by the Backstabber’s boss to do something that you do not think is appropriate, e-mail them as to your understanding of the request. Print a copy and keep an electronic copy with your calendar. You then have proof of what happened, and the blame cannot be placed on you.

If you are going to talk directly to the Backstabber, write down precisely what you will say. Focus on keeping ownership and personal accountability by emphasizing what you need. Remember to use “I” language. “You” language is interpreted by Backstabbers as a real threat and will only make them more aggressive. Be ready for them to try to frustrate and confuse you.

Saying, “I want to make sure we have come to a common understanding on the expected outcomes of this project. I don’t think I was as clear as I need to be” will be far more productive than pointing the verbal finger with “you” language. Remember, the Backstabber is clever so you must use language that is not confrontational.

Use direct eye contact without staring; blink every eight to nine seconds to make your gaze look natural and interested. No fluttering or blinking too much! These are signs of weakness, nervousness, and fear. Try to stand when you speak with them and keep one foot slightly in front of the other. This helps you project a confident and competent image and allows you move with energy (not threat) toward your Backstabber. Above all, stay pleasant and focus on the positive intent of the interaction.

What to Say

Being prepared with exactly what you want to say allows you to stay on track and achieve the outcomes you want.

“That did sound like you were serious. Do the rest of you feel that way? Is this becoming a problem?”

“I understand that you’re unhappy with the plan. Your feedback is important. I want to hear what you think.”

Behaviors to Avoid

Never overlook the damage Backstabbers can do. Don’t laugh at them or shrug off their behavior. If you do, it just reinforces their control and their negative behavior. They won’t change, because this Backstabber behavior has worked for them in the past.

Take II: How It Should Sound

Carol had worked hard to build a wonderful relationship with the company president, Jeffery. Lynn was hired in a similar capacity and immediately started a campaign to bring down Carol and undermine
Jeffery’s confidence in her. She told him some untrue stories about Carol criticizing his leadership capabilities. The fables were believable, and Carol heard through the grapevine that there was a chance she would be fired and Lynn would take her position.

Carol began her own campaign by building a positive relationship with Lynn, the same way she had with Jeffery. She was positive and optimistic, although that became more difficult as she learned how Lynn operated. Carol was careful to take on projects orchestrated by Lynn and made sure she had written instructions and completely understood the expected outcomes.

When Carol had questions about one of Lynn’s delegated projects, she brought up the issues at her regular coffee meeting with Jeffery. She didn’t approach the situation as a tell-all but rather as an “I need your advice and comments” opportunity. Jeffery was surprised at the work and asked who had initiated the venture. Carol told him the project was Lynn’s idea, and recommended a meeting with the three of them to strategize. Time-consuming as it was, the meeting led her to the conclusion that she anticipated. Carol called Lynn’s bluff and, as a result, wound up as the one managing the department. Lynn was subsequently fired for poorly using the company resources.

Take 1: How They Sound

Frank was disgusted with the meeting agenda, the client, and his colleagues. Who were the simpletons who continued to question his skill?

Didn’t they recognize the extent of his expertise? Polly approached Frank about a problem they were having with the client in hopes of setting a plan before the client’s arrival. Frank immediately snapped, “I don’t know who is more stupid—you or the client!” When the meeting started, Frank’s negative attitude and arrogance filled the air. The client was tired of Frank’s smart-alecky approach and asked that he be removed from the project. This would be a real problem, because Frank did have excellent knowledge and understood what was needed to satisfy the client.

Names Will Never Hurt Me

The Know-It-All pattern of behavior is all too familiar, especially among technical experts, doctors, engineers, attorneys, and other highly skilled and educated people. It is not exclusive to these people, though, and many other professions share the tendency as well. These people are also called content experts, authorities, and the “always right.”

Real experts can be an asset, but beware of the pseudo Know-It-All. They are dangerous because they speak well and make you believe what they are saying, when in fact they could be leading you and your plans astray. Making up details in an effort to look good is their usual method of operation.

What to Look For

Ask a Know-It-All a simple question, and you’ll get a response something like, “How
dare
you question me or my judgment!” If you didn’t know before, this type of response will confirm that a Know-It-All has just been identified.

Or consider a routine business situation where you make a suggestion that you know is sound and in response you get back excuses about why it shouldn’t be done that way, why that is not true, why the person you’re talking with has a better plan, yada yada yada. Eventually, you give up trying to work with them. Their message of “I’m just like you but smarter” gets old.

The core of the Know-It-All behavior is arrogance. Arrogance gives the Know-It-All a defense against vulnerability and insecurity, often learned in childhood when parents constantly criticized him or her for not being good enough. Think about what you were told while you were growing up. If your best efforts were put down, or every minor flaw was pointed out as an example of your mediocrity, learning how to protect yourself would come easily.

I can remember times when I’d study my guts out and manage to get a hard-won grade of B, only to have my mom say, “Well, if that’s the best you can do, that’s all I can expect.”

Not exactly motivating, right? Well, some people can brush that off, but to the Know-It-All, the best defense is a good offense, as the saying goes. They use their experience as a sledgehammer to make it difficult for others to challenge or question their ability.

What a shame they never learned about the power and impact of collaborative problem solving or decision making. Nevertheless, your job isn’t to reform them; it’s to manage your own response to people who want to push your buttons.

Yes, I’ve been a Know-It-All myself, and I can tell you, it’s not pretty. In the past, I was so afraid of being seen as incompetent that I would immediately throw up a defensive shield against any possible attack. This defense protected me for a while, but everyone else saw right through it. How about you? Are you mature enough to realize this behavior in yourself or others? Do you know what to do?

I learned that when you play the Know-It-All, you lose credibility and respect—the very thing you fear most. What happens then?