Toxic People: Decontaminate Difficult People at Work Without Using Weapons or Duct Tape (9 page)

3.
Decide how you want to be perceived by the Toxic Person.

• Do you want this person to respect you as a team member?
  
• Are there other people concerned about your relationship, like your leader? What is their desire?
  
• Do you even care what the Toxic Person thinks of you? (Don’t be cavalier; really think about the importance of this question!)
  

4.
Plan your response to your Toxic Person.

• List your options using this book and other resources to expand your thinking.
  
• Understand the payoff for someone choosing this behavior.
  
• Be accountable for what you are going to say.
  
• Have different approaches so you can be flexible as the conversation develops.
  

5.
Practice your approach.

• What will you say to yourself to stay on target with your plan?
  
• How will you check your own anger or anxiety during the approach?
  
• If you want to ensure your success, practice by recording yourself.
  
• Listen to the recording and decide how
  you
  would respond to the tone, words, and delivery.
  

6.
Choose the appropriate time and environment.

• Look at the Toxic Person’s energy level at different times of day. Some people are better communicators and more tuned in first thing in the morning than later in the day.
  
• Is it better to meet in their office, yours, or a neutral place?
  
• Decide how the room should be arranged. My preference is to be on their strong side (i.e., their right side if they are right-handed).
  
• If there are windows in the room, where do you want the light source? My preference, being a power junkie, is to have the light at my back, but not too bright.
  
• Will you wear power clothes?
  

7.
Follow up with the person if appropriate.

• If this is someone you need to have a continuing relationship with, decide how and when you will follow up with them after your conversation.
  
• Don’t hide from Toxic People. This can deepen the problems you have with them.
  
• Don’t gossip with anyone about your interaction.
  
• If appropriate, share the results of your meeting with your leader.
  

8.
Evaluate the meeting by yourself.

• Did you achieve the outcome you planned for?
  
• Is your Toxic Person okay with the results?
  
• Did your planning pay off?
  
• What did you do well? You can be proud of yourself, because most people just let toxicity permeate relationships!
  

9.
Determine what you can improve the next time you encounter this kind of Toxic Person.

• What did you learn that you can apply next time?
  
• Make a note of your discovery in a journal to build your knowledge.
  
• If the situation with your Toxic Person reaches an approachable point, ask what their initial thought was when you approached and spoke to them.
  

10.
Give yourself a pat on the back!

Congratulations! You deserve it! Continue to refer to this list every time you have to manage a toxic situation, and do this until all the habits become second nature. If you just use these ideas two or three times, they cannot really become ingrained into your head, and you will soon fall back into your old habits. Remember that rehearsal and practice give you the outcomes you want from any toxic spill!

Send a message to [email protected] if you would like to receive the Planning Worksheet.

Planning Worksheet

1. Identify the Toxic Person’s behavior.

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2. Understand the outcome you want with the relationship.

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3. Decide how you want to be perceived by the person.

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4. Plan your response to your Toxic Person.

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5. Practice your approach.

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6. Choose the appropriate time and environment.

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7. Follow up with the person if appropriate.

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8. Evaluate the meeting by yourself.

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9. Determine what you can do to improve the next time you encounter this kind of Toxic Person.

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10. Give yourself a pat on the back!

HOW THE PLANNING WORKSHEET COULD LOOK

SITUATION

Ray works with you, but his only topic of discussion is himself. He is a pain to listen to because the conversation is based on his problems, financial woes, a wife who doesn’t understand, his aches and pains, and how no one cares about him.

You have your own personal problems and choose not to discuss them. You have to listen to Ray’s issues an hour at a time, and it is driving you crazy. You choose to take action.

Digging through the notes you made while reading this book, you finally locate your planning sheet. (Remember, we will e-mail a copy of the Planning Worksheet for your use if you contact [email protected].)

Planning Worksheet

1.
Identify the Toxic Person’s behavior.

Because of his constant complaining, Ray is classified as a Whine and Cheeser. He also shows signs of being a Needy Weenie because of his constant need to be listened to. He never takes personal accountability for anything. He is good at following directions but complains the entire time he is working on a project.

2.
Understand the outcome you want with the relationship.

In a perfect world, Ray would keep his problems to himself and focus on conversations based on work and projects. This would help us build an environment that is productive and way more fun. It would be great if he took personal responsibility for his life. I really think this would make him an enjoyable part of the team.

3.
Decide how you want to be perceived by the person.

Since I have to work with Ray, I want to be seen as helping and not pointing fingers or being a manipulator. It would be great if he would see me as helping him to develop better skills to move forward with a more successful relationship with his work group and ultimately his own life.

4.
Plan your response to your Toxic Person.

I’ve decided not to listen to his negativity. I’ll be protective of my time and will say, “I really have a lot on my plate right now, and have got to get to my desk” (or whatever it is I’m working on). If he is ranting on and on about how awful something is, I’ll say, “That’s not the way I see it, because I’ve found that the company does work in my best interest.” Or, if his rant is about a person, I’ll say something like, “My experience with him/her is completely different. I’ve got to get back to work right now.”

5.
Practice your approach.

I vow to myself that I will practice at least three times, without interruption, to become comfortable with my approach and words. I will not fold when I am actually in front of my Toxic Person and will keep my attitude positive. This is really about me building the strength, because I realize I will NEVER change others. I can only change myself, and it is my responsibility to do so.

6.
Choose the appropriate time and environment.

I will be aware of when I feel trapped into listening to the endless complaints. I know that I don’t have to! Refusing to reward Ray’s behavior by becoming his audience will be the basis of my response. My suffering in silence actually gives Ray the belief I am interested.

7.
Follow up with the person if appropriate.

I do have to work with Ray, as we are on the same project team. I plan to approach him (rather than always avoiding him) with positive results of something I have done or that happened (even if I have to dig deep for something good!). I will start by saying, “I just have a second, and wanted to let you know the project really took a positive step forward.” I will turn quickly and walk away, not waiting for his response.

8.
Evaluate the meeting by yourself.

I am very proud of myself for taking the first step to not being sucked into Ray’s Whine and Cheeser attitude. The results are not exactly what I wanted. I am closer to having the skill, though, and Ray seems to be leaving me alone a little more. I need to watch my words and approach, because I see that I can easily fall into some old bad habits.

9.
Determine what you can do to improve the next time you encounter this kind of Toxic Person.

I think practicing one or two more times will help with my next encounter. The words I wanted to use didn’t flow the way I had hoped. I did have some positive results. Checking my own attitude and ensuring I am in the optimistic flow with the outcome I want will help. Even one of my colleagues said, “Boy, Ray seems to be leaving you alone a little. What’s up?” Yeah! It is being noticed!!

10.
Give yourself a pat on the back!

Just remember practice really does make perfect. Changing approaches and habits is not easy. There is no magic wand, magic fairy dust, or a pill you can take to ease the pain of a Toxic Person.

You are the one who must decide to continue the journey to decontaminating Toxic People.

While getting ready to depart on a flight to Atlanta from Phoenix, the pilot announced that we had an engine leak and the mechanics needed to check it before we took off. The young woman sitting behind me started screaming, “I’m going to die! I don’t want to die in an airplane wreck. Oh, my God! What am I going to do?” She proceeded to make phone calls and said the same thing repeatedly. Her friend just sat there looking at her. Drama Queen was more than annoying.

Turning around several times, I tried to reason with her. She just continued her death rant.

The flight attendant walked by, and I stopped her. Standing up, I proceeded to explain that the young woman was too agitated to fly. I said it loudly enough so the distraught young woman could hear me.

The attendant asked the young woman whether there was a problem.

After hearing the passenger’s overly dramatic interpretation of the situation, the attendant gave her two choices: either calm down or get off the plane. Amazingly, the woman calmed down and didn’t say another word.

Another Toxic Person had entered the picture, though. While we were waiting, the man in the row to my left was on the phone. He appeared to be speaking with his ex-wife. At least that’s what I concluded after hearing him tell her, at a volume that made his message clear to the entire front of the plane, that she was “obviously too dumb to raise an eight-year-old daughter.” His choice of language was as off-putting as his tone. Like most Toxic People, he seemed clueless about the effect his words were having on those around him. To call a person like this inconsiderate is like calling the Sahara a sandbox. Unfortunately, the mechanical repairs to the plane had us sitting at the gate for over an hour. And guess who kept up his negative performance until the flight attendant gave him the same two choices she had presented earlier to Drama Queen: calm down or get off the plane. When faced with natural consequences, even this hardened Steamroller changed his behavior.