Toxic People: Decontaminate Difficult People at Work Without Using Weapons or Duct Tape (12 page)

Six or seven correct
—You need to focus on the other person and stop thinking about what you will say and how they will respond. You barely hear the theme of the conversation, so your responses are often not on target. Pay attention and listen up!

Five or fewer correct
—Your listening skills need more work. Until you improve in this area by following the tips in this chapter, don’t be surprised if you continue to have conflict and Toxic People in your life. Keep practicing; your skills will improve if you’re persistent.

Three, Two, One . . . Blast Off

There are three levels of listening. The challenge is to create self-awareness so you know at any given point in time how you are listening. Knowing your own demonstrated level of listening will help prevent you from becoming a Toxic Person.

LEVEL III—LA-LA LAND LISTENING

Freda saw Marco walking toward her. Running the other way was an option, but she knew he would eventually find her. Sure enough, Marco approached and started talking. As he was speaking, Freda’s mind was filled with anger left over from their last meeting. Marco was such a jerk! So uncaring! Didn’t he realize how offensive he was? What a great time to confront him, she thought. No one was in the work area, and she could speak without worrying about observers.

Then Freda thought, “Why do I have to do this? Doesn’t his manager see how he makes a fool of himself in front of clients and colleagues?” Marco finished his statement and asked Freda for her opinion. Instead of answering his question, she lit into him with venomous rage, only to be overheard by their manager, who was standing out of her line of sight. It was too bad Freda wasn’t listening, because that was exactly what Marco was telling her!

You cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time.

—M. Scott Peck, author of
The Road Less Traveled
Listening at Level III means you just don’t give a rip and have chosen la-la land listening. It is all about you. In your exasperated state, you wait for the noise to stop so you can tell your conversation partner what is wrong. Escalation of a problem or issue easily occurs. Decontaminating Toxic People is not even in the plan. Results? It makes matters worse and hurts the situation, often to the point of no return. Losing credibility, tearing down trust, and being seen as difficult to work with are often the outcomes of Level III listening.

In Level III listening:

• You pay attention only to yourself.
  
• You listen only to know when to talk.
  
• You listen passively without responding.
  
• You fake attention with occasional “uh-huh’s” or nods.
  
• You make judgments and form rebuttals.
  

Judgment and spilling over with rebuttals is the focus of Level III listening. Ask someone—your friends and family—to give an honest evaluation. Are you ready to hear how bad you really are? I doubt it. Do you wait impatiently for the other person to finish so you can say what’s on your mind? Many people listen for the noise to stop so they can begin their input, idea, or rant.

Expect to have misunderstandings and serious conflicts if you continue to listen at this level. Look in the mirror and you’ll see the Toxic Person.

LEVEL II—SKIMMING

Monica was trapped in yet another customer meeting. She knew this would be a waste of time, because she had worked with the client before and felt she knew exactly what they needed. Her mind was racing with the prospect of calling a new client right after this meeting—

one whose business could really put her in the spotlight. Her wandering thoughts made her miss a quick statement about the client’s merger with another company; she also missed the directive about where to send reports and other information. Monica was thinking,

“Same old same old. I’ll just run the reports as I always do and that will give them what they want.” Her failure to follow up as instructed led to a distraught call from the client asking, “Weren’t you at the meeting? Didn’t you know we wanted those reports send by courier, not regular mail? You have really messed us up, and we are not happy!” So Monica’s time was spent resolving her mistake, costing her and the client additional time and energy.

Most people listen at Level II, hearing only bits and pieces of a given conversation. Level II listening means paying attention to what you want to hear rather than to what is actually said. Level II listening is pretending to listen with all the right cues to the talker:

“Um-hm,” head nodding, encouragement, and the like—but it’s all fake. Your responses have little to do with what has actually been said. It is all about what you want to say and just a very small bit about what was actually said.

In Level II listening:

• You listen logically and to content only.
  
• You remain emotionally detached.
  
• You concentrate only slightly on what is said.
  
• You give others the false sense of being listened to.
  
• You hear the words but are not really listening.
  
• Your impatience becomes a barrier to good communications.
  

Level II is where most people listen the majority of the time.

Because of their lack of attention to the message or the other party, conflict often ensues. Though better than Level III listening, Level II listening leads to problems, anger, and misunderstandings.

Franco had an employee, Jana, who wanted to speak with him.

Franco always referred to her as “Jana the Star” because she was an excellent performer. As Jana entered his office, Franco motioned her to the guest chair. He hung up his phone and immediately turned to his computer, began typing, and then said, “So, what’s up?” Jana explained that she was expecting a baby and was very excited. She relayed her plans for taking limited time off after the birth because her husband was choosing to be “Mr. Mom.” She also outlined her plans to train her colleagues in keeping her files, to bring in temporary help, and to manage every detail. She insisted the group would not even know she was out for a couple weeks. All Franco heard was “expecting a baby” and his imagination ran wild. “Jana the Star” would be away and that meant his numbers would drop. He tuned back in when she mentioned her “colleagues keeping her files” and his thinking kicked into to the poor producers calling on her clients. His mind was screaming, “What a mess,” and he did not hear the part about her real solutions.

Formula for handling people: 

(1) Listen to the other person’s story.

(2) Listen to the other person’s full story. 

(3) Listen to the other person’s full story first.

—General George C. Marshall, American

military leader during World War II

LEVEL I—TUNED IN

Joshua was always amazed at how Neil was on the leading edge of every conversation, especially if there was a problem or conflict. Neil quickly responded with thoughtful comments and turned even the most contentious situation into agreement.

Somehow Neil easily gained the buy-in of the group and even customers. Baffled, Joshua asked Neil how he managed to consistently get the results he wanted. Neil replied, “I learned early in my career that listening was an area of communication that I control directly. What amazes me is that more people don’t get it!” Tough, though, he thought. I can only change me.

Neil was a Level I listener—he was purposely tuned in to the speaker. You can do this and effectively use your skills to decontaminate the toxicity of any situation. Paying attention emotionally and logically means listening between the lines. Use this stage of listening in every situation. Level I listening gives you the information you need to decide how much energy you want to put into the conversation.

In Level I listening:

• You refrain from judging the talker or the message.
  
• You keep an open mind so you can see the other’s position.
  
• You stay in the moment so you can acknowledge and respond.
  
• You practice keeping body language open.
  
• You listen from the heart and are considerate.
  
• Your paying attention sends the right message.
  

When conflict is apparent, Level I listening is critical. Collaboration, understanding, and wisdom are enhanced. Problems are solved, creativity expands, and time is saved. After learning of all its benefits, the real question is, “Why don’t people always listen at Level I?”

Be different—if you don’t have the facts and knowledge required, simply listen. When word gets out that you can listen when others tend to talk, you will be treated as a sage.

—Edward Koch, U.S. politician

THREE LISTENERS

Amy sat in the front row of the lecture hall. She was interested in the topic, Gender Differences in the Workplace. Fred, the speaker, was
given an introduction that was impressive. As he began, his initial example included the statement “Women take care and men take charge.”

After he used the term “he” in several sentences when Amy thought he should have said “he or she,” Amy turned off and dismissed Fred and his remarks on the topic. She remained in her seat, mentally fuming and with a closed mind, not hearing anything else that was said.

Turning off your listening because of a few words that don’t fit your likability index can create conflict and problems. Amy was tuned out and listened at Level III.

Sitting next to Amy was Gerry, who was told by his boss that attending this session on Gender Differences in the Workplace was mandatory.

He was upset before he even sat down. Gerry knew he had to report back to his boss, so he took enough notes to get the salient points of the presentation. Fred, the speaker, was thrilled that someone was taking notes and misinterpreted what he saw as total acceptance of his ideas.

Gerry did report back to his team and boss; however, he did not apply one idea and therefore continued having issues with his work team and other colleagues. Gerry was skimming and listening at Level II.

Bill also was in attendance. As an employee of a very culturally diverse company, he decided to really listen and pay attention to Fred’s delivery of Gender Differences in the Workplace. He was having difficulty relating to women, both at work and at home, because they sometimes seemed too emotional and took things way too personally. His focus on the message allowed him to hear the content and to choose the areas that could be best applied to his situations. Sure, Fred had some points that Bill thought were too “airy-fairy and fluffy,” but he still listened. He walked away with new insights, validation of some of his own thinking, and a new perspective on creating better relationships with women. Bill was tuned in and listening at Level I.

Survival Tactics

You learn to listen by being quiet, both verbally and mentally. Stop trying to practice on living human beings. It doesn’t work. What you do need to do to get started is choose a television program that features one person talking at length—a public affairs program, documentary, or lecture. I find C-SPAN to be especially useful for practicing Level I listening.

Here is the trick. Assume that everything you are hearing is true and don’t judge the material. Every time your attention wanders, drag it back to the speaker. Do this for roughly half an hour every day. Initially you will have to pull yourself back into focus every one or two minutes. That’s how bad most of us are at Level I listening.

When you’re feeling accomplished with this, begin practicing on human beings. And keep at it. Your tendency will be to drift off.

Want to have some fun? Pull some of your colleagues and work group members together and make a game out of it. I can tell you that some people won’t want to play, and those poor sports are the ones who probably need it the most.

Result? Less conflict. Remember: Your right to respond comes only from your willingness to listen. If you don’t listen, you’re not ready to respond.

Listening skills are improved when you learn to be quiet. Yes, you have to listen to the tirades of Toxic People. Do not interrupt them. Do keep them on track. If they drag up old issues and examples that do not relate to their current theme, interrupt and say, “I want to know more about the issue you started with.” Did you know that
silent
and
listen
are spelled with the same letters?

When people are having verbal temper tantrums, it is usually better to just let them exhaust themselves. They won’t listen to you any-way, because their story hasn’t been fully told. Be careful about using the suggestion of interrupting—use it only if they are way off track.

You have to listen. Usually you don’t because you want to stay in your own little world and are too scared to step outside. Typically, you are not prepared to venture into other people’s domain.

Here’s the rub. You could do a better job of seeing things from their point of view by simply listening. Open up and visit their world to see what it feels like.

Being responsive does not mean you have to
agree
with their situation or point of view. Understanding is not the same as agreement. People are entitled to their views and to have you listen to them without bias. Isn’t that how you expect others to listen to you?

I was presenting my Toxic People keynote to a group of medical malpractice insurance professionals, and a woman approached me after I had finished. She brought up a problem she called Malpractice of the Mouth. (Perhaps we should call poor listening habits Malpractice of the Ears!)

Are some of your Toxic People just plain boring? Do you catch yourself daydreaming and your mind wandering every time they speak . . . and speak . . . and speak?

Help is near! Listening to people who are boring, speak in a monotone, or have nothing to say is frustrating. Use your skills to listen more effectively and keep them on track. Understand that it’s the right half of the brain that tends to wander—the creative, non-linear side. The focused side of your brain is the left hemisphere, which contains the areas where words and language are processed.

Train yourself to say, “My mind will not wander, and I will give this person respect.” Saying some kind of mantra forces you to the part of your brain where you hear words and solves the daydreaming dilemma. Using strategic self-talk moves your thinking from daydreaming to focused communication. Frustration is reduced, toxicity is held at bay, and you can move on.