Toxic People: Decontaminate Difficult People at Work Without Using Weapons or Duct Tape (14 page)

Jan really hadn’t been looking, but couldn’t resist the opportunity. There was one catch, though: the short deadline. Pulling her seven-year-old resume out of the archives, she quickly brought it up to date and e-mailed it over. The competitor company was disappointed to find it was obviously not what they wanted. Much of the terminology had changed in the industry, and the old worn-out terms stood out in Jan’s resume. That was too bad. Jan lost out to another employee at her company who had chosen to take control of his future.

He had trained himself to update his resume in all respects at least every six months.

Control Others

You can’t change people, but what you can do is control the outcomes you have with them. Being the bearer of bad news is difficult, and probably you, like most of us, have been a wimp and an avoider who would rather do anything but get tangled in the confrontation.

I remember requesting to laterally transfer into an outside sales position from telephone sales. The manager who could make this happen said, “We don’t have women in outside sales. We don’t think the wives would like you traveling with the guys. In addition, you wouldn’t always be home to cook dinner for your husband.”

In the following days, I was seething but didn’t confront the situation. Instead, I complained to anyone who would listen, creating a toxic environment. Every time I told the story, my rage would consume me. It never occurred to me to confront the manager who said I couldn’t do the job. Shying away from confrontation meant I didn’t have to face disagreement or difference of opinion, which I thought would lead to bad results—more misunderstandings, retribution, and humiliation.

What is the confrontation
you
could control but don’t? Perhaps it concerns a colleague in the next cubicle who plays her music so you can hear it, someone who frequently tells offensive stories, or a coworker who constantly makes personal calls. You allow the behavior to continue even though it is driving you nuts. You feel totally out of control.

Here’s how best to approach the confrontation. Ask for their permission before you get involved in telling them the problem.

One of the people you work closely with has toxic body odor.

You are unsure of the possible reaction if you mention it. If you get permission to proceed to raise a difficult subject before you dive into the issue, odds are you will elicit a favorable response.

“There’s something I’ve wanted to mention. I don’t know if it’s really my business to bring it up, but if it were me, I’d want someone to say something. Is it okay if I raise a sticky subject?”

You control
when
you will approach in most cases. Be sure to choose a calm moment for you and for the other person. If either of you is worked up over anything, postpone the conversation to another time.

Stay in control even if it seems a problem
must
be addressed right then. Simply say, “I need to think this through. Let’s meet back in an hour to further discuss this.” You are in control.

Control Yourself

The first order of business in managing Toxic People is taking personal responsibility for your own behavior. You
do
control the way you approach anything. The major culprit of a toxic office is you, and this is something you can control.

Remember, the only person you can change is yourself. Trying to change another person only makes for great first marriages.

Don’t get angry if you can’t control other people, especially Toxic People, because most likely you don’t even control your own behavior consistently.

You have the skills—you just don’t use them. Much of what we’ve covered you already know. If you choose not to apply these skills, is it because you are lazy or because you just don’t care? If either of these is true, don’t complain, because you
could
change if you wanted to. It’s something you do control. Interestingly, you find fault with other people because you won’t look at yourself.

Control yourself and take personal responsibility for your skills.

If you don’t have them, do something—vow to become a lifelong learner.

Once, after completing a presentation, I was asked by the leader of the event if I could go home with him. Since that was not realistic, he encouraged me to write and record so people could extend the message. I still listen to my own downloads and CDs because even though I wrote the information, I sometimes forget to apply it.

(Sign up for my free newsletter at www.MarshaPetrieSue.com.) Then there is the flip side of this. An attendee at one of my presentations said, “I expected your information to help me in my work, not as a person.” Huh? I had to write that one down. People continue to amaze me.

You do need to hear the message many times. When I find a book or CD that resonates with me, I will listen to it at least seven times. I’ve learned this is the only way to remember salient points and have them become habits.

Even though it is not easy to learn and use these interpersonal techniques, some people view this approach as fluff. Soft skills are hard! Interpersonal skill training is frequently deleted from organizations’ budgets without even a second thought. If that happens to you, good. Spend money improving yourself and don’t expect anyone else to do it for you. The only two helping hands you will ever have are attached at the end of your arms.

My dad told me this when I was a teenager and I will never forget it. How about you?

Most people don’t give a rip what skills they have, much less use—especially when it comes to soft skills. This is a painful reality for exceptional leaders and employees, because they know positive outcomes are derived from training in such topics as conflict resolution, communications, relationship management, listening, and more. You must take a new look at this training and dump the old moniker of “no value to investment” when it comes to training.

HERE IS THE PROBLEM

In many organizations, training employees to sharpen soft skills is analyzed as either an investment or a cost. How do you perceive interpersonal skill training? How does your company feel about this training?

Here is a new twist on why successful, profitable companies are training their people. Investment firms are looking at ongoing education as a reason to encourage investors to put their money in companies. How would your company do? Laurie Bassi, former professor of economics at Georgetown University and vice president of the American Society for Training & Development, found a simple solution. Companies should be required to report how much they invest in each employee.

Interestingly, when CDW Corporation’s investment in employees was reviewed, the stock price was up by 50 percent whereas the stock market had gone down. The training investment is paying off because CDW recognizes that that training is an investment, not a cost.

Stock market pressure to reduce costs and increase profits isn’t the only reason firms don’t spend more on training, Bassi acknowledges. Many decision makers aren’t convinced training is productive, or they worry workers will leave once they are trained.

These skeptics get two answers. Statistics-filled studies find that training does pay off. People like Laurie Bassi are putting their money where the facts are and investing in companies that spend heavily on employee training. When people are trained and know the company is working in their best interests, conflict and toxic situations are reduced.

This is laborious work, as most companies do not have this information readily available. The value of training is elusive. So here’s what you can do. Bassi has found that the typical firm invests 2 percent of its payroll dollars in training. She looks for firms that double that investment in their people. The results for her Human Capital Portfolio are stunning: 24 percent annual return for the two years since she founded it.

Training is obviously something companies can control. If you are not the leader in your group, take this information to those in charge. I’ll bet they don’t even know about it. In my opinion, this approach will be effective only if you are investing in yourself. The concept is the same for individuals as for companies.

Control It All

There are six soft skills that reduce turnover, improve outcomes, and build profitability.

1. Communication skills
   —developing flexibility to others’styles. Provide training of leaders and employees to magnify the importance of personal responsibility by increasing self-awareness.
   
2. Conflict management
   —learning to use conflict as a brainstorming and creativity tool. Create mentoring and coaching opportunities for individuals struggling with interpersonal skills.
   
3. Relationship building
   —strengthening every person’s diverse connections. Walk your talk, whether at work or at home, to become a better role model in relationship development.
   
4. Team building
   —building teams that function through chaos (too much to do and not enough time). You’ve got to decontaminate toxic teams, too! Provide team-building activities, whether through assessment tools, buying a cake for a celebration, or having a simple potluck.
   
5. Empathetic listening
   —hearing the message from every person and keeping an open mind. Learn to put your own thoughts aside, stop thinking about what you will say next, and really hear the concerns of the other person.
   
6. Building self-awareness
   —understanding individual preferences to heighten flexibility in all situations. Develop the attitude of a lifelong learner and read about human behavior.
   

This will help you both personally and professionally.

Having queried thousands of people in all types of organizations, I have found these six elements to be the resounding issues that all employees want to improve. Many consider these to be soft skills. As Daniel Goleman, author of
Primal Leadership
(Harvard Business School Press, 2002), says, “If they do contribute to the financial strength of the organization, it becomes prudent to increase training budgets and engage every person in a ‘winning together’ focus. The term of becoming a ‘learning organization’ has never been more important.”

MORE TRAINING = BETTER OUTCOMES

Training is no longer purely an operating expense. It is an investment to help leaders and employees hone soft skills. Daniel Goleman also says 10 percent of our success is because of cognitive, learned skills, whereas 90 percent is because of emotional intelligence or our emotional quotient.

How do you rank in the training department? Do you invest in your own learning? Do you uncover goals of others and help them set a plan for their next educational opportunity? Does your company support a training perspective? Congratulations if the answers are all yes. If not, what are you going to do? What suggestions will you make? The excuse of “I have no control” no longer works. No matter what your position, level, or experience, you are the one who must take the first step. Soft skills are hard, and conflict resolution is at the top of the list.

If you say you don’t have the time or the money, you are using excuses. You have the time and money to control more than you think! Copy what successful people do to take control of their situations. Only stupidity is original.

H
ave you invested in your Toxic Check Meter? This is a noninvasive test providing immediate results to determine the intensity of your customers’ anger. It lets you assess how ticked off they really are. It does not, however, determine the
cause
of a toxic customer’s anger, as this varies by a subject’s individual rage. Dream on—of course there is no such equipment. Wouldn’t it be great if you could actually have tools that would determine exactly the kind of situation you faced? Actually, you do have equipment and it’s built into your talents, skills, and behavior.

Government statistics tell us that one upset client can influence up to 67 others, whereas one great client will influence only three. Consumers relive and relay their experiences to others for 221/2 years! If you are a business owner or have a job, this should be very scary to you.

Want to have some fun? Type “Customer service sucks” into your web browser search engine. At last count, there were 2,410,000 web sites, postings, and blogs outlining specific company names and problems. Is your company part of that list?

Whether you are the leader of the company, on the maintenance team, or anything in between, you should be concerned. The minute a company heads downhill with poor customer service results, your job is in jeopardy.

Every employee, manager, and supervisor—everyone—has a responsibility to provide exceptional client care. The problem?

You have to be “on” all the time for two reasons: 

1.
Everyone you touch every day is your customer, and I mean everyone. From the gardener to the grocery clerk, the doctor to the door attendant, your partner to your parents to your kids, they are all your clients. Now, quit laughing. You must hone your behavior and responses to be consistent 24/7. Taking personal responsibility for all your outcomes is the key.

2.
It is the perception of the client that is important, and yes, the customer is always right. Of course, some people are not a good fit with your services and products, so you refer them to someone else who can build a better relationship. That means you may be giving your competitor business. You may lose great clients
and
employees to higher ground. If employees perceive that they are not being treated fairly, they will seek another position.

Toxic clients stem from toxic behavior, so always keep in mind how you would want to be treated if you were standing on the other side of the counter, or computer, or were at the other end of the telephone.

Winning Over a Toxic Client

Finding new customers takes capital resources and marketing; it costs approximately six times more to attract a new client than to keep one you have. When one of your well-earned clients is upset, a formal strategy must be in place. Employees must be trained, and toxic clients must be approached in a consistent manner. Here are the sacred six survival skills for handling toxic clients.