Toxic People: Decontaminate Difficult People at Work Without Using Weapons or Duct Tape (18 page)

Here is my daily affirmation:

This day I give back more than I’ve received. I connect my head and my heart with my mouth. I surround myself with people I respect and who respect me and live by the law of attraction. My calendar is full of events that bring me joy and happiness to others. I have an abundance of money, and before spending I ask myself, “How much is enough?” I am thankful for my life and appreciate all that I have.

What do you do to strengthen your spirit? Did you know that online there are more than 1,970,000 blogs on enthusiasm? I believe it is because people know they need enthusiasm to manage all the negatives that come their way!

SELF-CONFIDENCE: HOW YOU VIEW YOUR ABILITIES

Popeye is right: “I yam what I yam.” How you think about yourself either builds you up or tears you down. Your self-confidence is a result of your thinking; in banking terms, it is the emotional depository. If you view your abilities favorably, you’ve made a deposit into your account. If you berate yourself with self-deprecating self-talk and external comments, you are subtracting positive perspective from your emotional depository. Toxic infections make huge withdrawals from your self-confidence account.

This ultimately is how people view you. Feel good about yourself? The turkeys will have a difficult time getting under your skin.

Emotional depository low? Those birds will have you on the platter and will be carving you up into little pieces.

Here are five ways to build self-confidence awareness: 

1. When you lay your head down on the pillow at night, think of five great events from the day. You will wake up refreshed and rested.
   
2. Remember that you become what you think about. Dump the negative mind-set.
   
3. Get proper rest and exercise and start eating more healthily. And start today.
   
4. Do not let pettiness at work, at school, or in your personal life maintain power over your success. It will suck the life out of you.
   
5. Create confidence in your talents, and you will manage change as a fact of life.
   

Self-confidence is the cornerstone; if it’s low, you feel vulnerable, your immune system is weak, and you will have toxic infections. You cannot decontaminate Toxic People if you feel the least bit toxic yourself. When you are vulnerable, you can count on several responses: Your thinking becomes clouded, you lose perspective, your self-confidence dwindles, and it is difficult to be objective about yourself and the situation.

Here are five tips for building self-confidence: 

1. Maintain a strong belief in your own competencies to stop the thoughts of weakness, defenselessness, and helplessness.
   
2. Review your talents and build from your strengths. Check your weaknesses, and if they are the problem, learn to change them.
   
3. Keep your focus on being solution oriented rather than danger oriented. Understand that there is a problem to be solved, not a threat to your life or well-being.
   
4. Rise above it. Pretend you are in a hot air balloon, and lift your thoughts over the issue to get a new view.
   
5. Picture what you want versus what you don’t want. Beware of becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy and falling victim to people and situations.
   

HUMOR: THE BEST MEDICINE

“Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.”

Cure your toxic infections with laughter. We take ourselves way too seriously. The challenge is to put the humor back into your personal and professional life. Rent a fun movie like
The Jerk
with Steve Martin or find an old rerun with Bill Cosby. Take it to your next meeting and play a part that you find fun and humorous.

“Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.”

Life is serious business, but don’t take
yourself
too seriously. No one else does. Laughter creates endorphins and defies the stress hormone, cortisol, in your system. Stress hormones make you sick and give you serious toxic infections. When you laugh, you release the stress-buster endorphin hormone. This natural pain reliever is like a magic potion concocted in your body, and the dosage can be purposely prescribed by you. You may have heard of “runner’s high,” euphoria that develops in long distance runners as endorphins release and block out any feeling of pain.

Learning how to manage the level of endorphins in your system can cure toxic infections. According to the online resource WebMD, the release of endorphins can be attributed to exercising regularly, eating small amounts of chocolate, sunbathing (without getting burned), laughing, being massaged, meditating, singing, and listening to your favorite music.

When the turkeys have you in a neck hold, the stress hormones are taking over. Jesse Pittsley, PhD, president of the American Society for Exercise Physiologists, states, “For people who are physically active on a regular basis, they have active relaxation—by focusing on the sensation of moving your body and getting into the rhythmic activity and motion, it produces this relaxation response, and that I think contributes significantly to the feelings of psycho-logical well-being.”

The substances that your brain produces depend in part on your thoughts, feelings, and expectations. If your attitude about an illness or about life in general is negative and you don’t have expectations that your situation will get better, your brain may not produce enough of the substances your mind needs to create a more positive results. If your attitude and expectations are more positive, your brain is likely to produce sufficient amounts of the substances that will boost your body’s healing power.

Depression Infection

Feeling depressed lately? Job got you down? You’re not alone. According to a recent International Labor Organization report, “depression, anxiety, stress, or burnout” is increasing, affecting (or maybe infecting) 1 in 10 workers in Finland, Germany, Poland, the United Kingdom, and the United States.

The study also found that in the United States, the treatment of depression costs between $30 billion and $44 billion annually and results in the loss of approximately 200 million working days each year. This is very sad, not to mention very expensive.

The main toxin, besides cultural and economic issues, is the development and rapid growth of information technology. With accelerated competition and the need to constantly keep up, the ability to break away and relax has almost evaporated. Personally, I love technology—
when it works
. When it doesn’t, I start singing “If I Had a Hammer,” the song by Pete Seeger and Lee Hays.

So, what’s the solution? Get a new hammer? “Bring a dog to work” week? Office massages? Casual attire? But wait, there’s more. How about a Jacuzzi in the break room, a chef to cook meals, and an in-house gym? Actually, these ideas are exactly what companies are considering and implementing for their employees to heal the toxic infections that contaminate offices (well, maybe all except the hammer).

The reason people bring dogs to offices is that they’re working 75 hours a week and have no time to raise a pet. You’ve probably also heard that pets have been found to be natural stress relievers.

Personally, I was raised without the dog gene and with the baby boomer work ethic of all work and no play gets you promoted, so I have an aversion to pets running around the office.

However, as most industries start looking for ways to trim budgets, it is a good idea for leaders to think twice before abruptly doing away with weekly massages and gym passes. These extras might actually be saving the company quite a bit of money.

Healing your toxic infections is your choice. Every situation-even a negative or poor outcome—can have a silver lining. Learn to blend energy, humor, spirit, and self-confidence, and practice keeping yourself out of depression. This combination is the prescription to make those turkeys more palatable and for a happier you.

Ruffle

1. To bother or fluster somebody.
   
2. To act as a source of irritation or annoyance.
   

Most of us can recall times when people ruffled our feathers, upset us, or ticked us off. But why do some people never get bothered, upset, or bent out of shape? They have learned to apply conflict management skills when events could otherwise make them distressed.

If a veterinarian sees a bird with ruffled feathers, the vet knows something is wrong and the bird needs care. As human beings, studies now reveal that anger and conflict release a toxic hormone, cortisol, into our systems (see Chapter 15). If this is not managed, you can become seriously ill; you can even die. Read on to learn specific ways to use Toxic People survival skills when conflict is in the roost. There is no reason to feel caged!

Caged?

Hello Marsha,

I met you at a conference and I thoroughly enjoyed your presentation. I am in a predicament of sorts. My office leader is a woman who is in her 60s and is a fast-paced worker. She is not business savvy yet she is good at her job. However, she mumbles and isn’t clear with her instructions.

When I make a mistake, or am one in the chain of people who have made a mistake, she constantly reminds me of that, even in front of my boss. Having human relations training, I know this practice only serves to cause divisions in the workplace.

I also need to approach my boss about making necessary changes.

Under this woman’s leadership, or lack thereof, everything is very disorganized and messy. No records of phone calls are kept. Files are scattered. And not everyone in the team knows the status of a project or is aware of issues.

Communication sucks. I’m working in an office where I need to walk on eggshells. This woman is resistant to change. The lead person is 75 and ready to walk out if things get worse. And we have a new girl who is very smart and savvy, and I fear if we treat her poorly or do not back her up and put her intelligence to use, we will lose her. And I’m afraid that if I push for change I’ll be viewed as a complainer, get set up to fail, be forced into a confrontation, and be fired. It has happened to me before. I can’t keep losing jobs, but I’m sick and tired of working for bosses who don’t care or are incompetent managers.

I/we need the boss’s support and leadership. Yet, he knows squat
about our business and is admittedly hands-off. How should I approach
him? How should I ask him to stop this woman’s finger-pointing and negativity? I’m in a position that if she quits then I would have the freedom to organize the office and make everything work like a well-oiled machine. Until that day, though, I feel powerless and frustrated, fearing that a goof-up due to poor training by this woman and a hands-off boss will cost me another job, and possibly a good marriage.

Another thing is that my wife and I own a little web site design business and we work from home. Our kids will be in school next year, and we’ll have an opportunity to grow our business and go full-time.

However, we need to triple our workload. And until then, I need this job. The pay is good, and it keeps a roof over our heads. What tools do I need to practice patience and achieve excellence at this position until I can get out of there and apply my energies to my own business? Part of the reason I want to work for my wife and myself is that I’m tired of dealing with Toxic People in the workplace. They have repeatedly ruined a good thing. And yes, I’ve been toxic, too, I admit.

Thank you for your help!

Matt

Here is the response from me, the Decontaminator of Toxic People:

Thanks for using “Ask Marsha” from the web site. Here are six suggestions concerning your question. I’ll be interested to hear your input on them.

1. Approach your leader and tell her that you need her help so
   you
   can be more productive and make more money for the company. 
   Take the pressure off of her and put it on yourself.
   
2. Ask her how she wants to be communicated to and when. If she wants to know why, say that you understand how precious her
   time is and you want to be efficient on the initial request/
   process/project.
   
3. Tell her you would like her to set some informal ground rules with you to make sure you are doing your best. If she doesn’t, here are some suggestions: First, paraphrase and make sure you understand what she needs; her confirmation of the information will allow you to expedite the needs of the company and the client. Second, set a time, either daily or weekly, that is your time to clarify any questions about what is on your plate. This will help you stay clear and focused to make the best use of your time.
   
4. After you meet with her, take time the following day to thank her. This will verify that you mean to keep to the rules of engagement.
   
5. In every approach you make to her (or anyone else), engage with positive intent. Don’t dwell on the past and what has not worked! Move forward in a positive, disciplined fashion.
   
6. Become a role model and never speak poorly about her to anyone (except your wife, and then give yourself only 10 minutes to vent—and move on!).
   

I hope this helps. Let me know if you have additional questions!

Cheers and good luck.

Marsha

If you are an executive, manager, or supervisor, your goal should be to continually learn and polish the skills necessary to work with people more effectively. In the example, Matt’s office manager is toxic in his perception. Your challenge is to determine how people perceive you. You must learn to smooth ruffled feathers because of industries’ ongoing issues with dynamic growth, unannounced change, reduction in workforce, and needed productivity. These factors and more continue to exert pressure on your capabilities as a leader. In addition, reducing turnover and attracting the best employees in your industry are enhanced by the reputation you create as a boss.

I recommend using the Skills Scorecard to determine blind spots that you may have.

Skills Scorecard GOOD WORK NEED WORK 1 2 3 4 5

1. Have an optimistic outlook.
   
2. Be a good communicator.
   
3. Build relationships.
   
4. Utilize delegation.
   
5. Provide feedback.
   
6. Allow mistakes.
   
7. Be a role model.
   
8. Respect everyone.
   
9. Have realistic expectations.
   
10. Set goals.
    
11. Share information.
    
12. Celebrate attempts.
    
13. Manage conflict.
    
14. Be open to learning.
    
15. Be innovative.
    
16. Celebrate wins.
    
17. Say “Thanks.”
    
18. Show appropriate emotions.
    
19. Choose issues carefully.
    
20. Be a team player.