Toxic People: Decontaminate Difficult People at Work Without Using Weapons or Duct Tape (13 page)

Do you converse with people, especially the toxic ones, who go off track? Ramble forever? Make you crazy?

Try using one of these:

“Excuse me for interrupting. Is our focus right now ___________________?”

“I’ve lost focus on where we are. Do we need to talk about ___________________?”

Of course, these must be said with positive intent, a pleasant look, forward body language, and no sarcasm—all great survival skills if you choose to use them.

Sainthood emerges when you can listen to someone’s tale of woe and not respond with a description of your own.

—Dr. Andrew V. Mason, author of
And or Love
In conflict, speaking louder is often the approach used, whereas listening louder would solve so much more. So, stop being so self-absorbed. Stop using silence as the “when to talk” indicator.

And stop blaming the other person for not listening to you, because you probably are not listening to them.

Did you know that listening is a real act of courage? You make yourself vulnerable when you listen, because you may actually find out you are incorrect. Someone else may have information that proves you wrong. This is a frightening prospect, and difficult to face. Your frames of reference may be torn down, and you may feel at risk when having to rebuild a new structure.

You are being very generous by being a good listener, because you are open to others’ opinions and attitudes. Nothing can be more reassuring to another person than to be listened to in an attentive way, especially if you are entangled in a toxic situation. If you have someone in your life who nags, it may be that
initially
you did not listen to them. Nagging you became
their
survival tool.

Stop the insanity and break the nagging cycle by spending time to find the underlying cause. Ask questions and dig deeper if you choose to give the relationship any focus or energy!

Huh? Your Challenge

Listen for a change. Amazingly, conflict is reduced, and many times Toxic People are even pleasant communicators.

Become a great listener. It will resolve toxic situations and separate you from the masses. Most people have no clue about the importance of this skill.

Here are six quick steps for great listening: 

1. Have an open mind.
   
2. Stop talking.
   
3. Turn off your self-talk (see Chapter 14, “Mental Looting”).
   
4. Start listening.
   
5. Ask questions to find out more.
   
6. Keep listening.
   

Sonia was tired of the skin rash on her arm, so she made an appointment with her doctor. He hardly took time to ask her what was wrong and gave little sign he was listening when she informed him she thought it might be something in the creams she was using. Sonia had changed brands several times but still had the terrible outbreaks. The doctor took less than a minute to look at her arm before pulling out his prescription pad. Sonia asked what the prescription was for, and he said, “It’s for prickly heat.” “Prickly heat?,” she queried. “I thought that was from sweating. It’s snowing, and I don’t think I’ve been sweating since last summer.” “Well, that’s what it is,” he said authoritatively.

This was the first of five doctors she visited within a year to diagnose her problem.

Finally, Sonia found a doctor who listened to her situation and carefully examined her rash. Her problems were solved during that appointment, because he was able to hear her and then apply his knowledge and experience. “You are allergic to para-aminobenzoic acid (PABA), and many creams contain that ingredient. Just be careful when you choose body lotions and sunscreens.”

Just think how good listening could improve your personal relationships. It’s like the guy who complains that his wife always says he doesn’t listen to her—at least that’s what he thinks she said.

Start right now by paying attention to how you listen in every situation. Begin challenging yourself to go beyond hearing and really listen. Listen up!

The alarm sounded, the snooze button was slammed down, and Donald turned over in disgust. He thought, “I hate my job. I hate my boss.

I hate my
life
!” This message played over and over in his head on the trip to work. To validate his dismal message, the elevator’s Muzak was playing “Sad Boy” by Dorsey Burnette. “Ah, just the right music for another day that will suck,” Donald said aloud. Stressed before he even started the workday, he felt totally out of control and had become a Toxic Person.

Donald was buried in a self-made hole. He was right about the fact he didn’t control his company, his boss, his job demands, working long hours, and the people he worked with. He didn’t even control the people in his personal life, including his partner, kids, friends, and family. What he did control were his choices in life. His mental terrorism was pushing him to be helpless.

Control Your Job

David Lewis, a workplace psychologist, found that working long hours in a result-driven workplace causes stress, anxiety, and depression in employees. The workers he interviewed agreed that the top three short-term effects of stress were increased irritability, undermining of work performance, and an increase in mistakes—otherwise known as toxic behavior.

So, who is in control? You are. The choice of accepting a position is yours (well, unless you are incarcerated, perhaps). No one is holding a gun to your head. The decision to work in a particular industry or study in a particular field is your choice.

Kay was a scientist for a major pharmaceutical company. Her job was interesting, and all of her university studies were being used. Challenging as her research was, though, she didn’t feel a connection to her work. Guilt and stress were building as she thought about the possibility of changing industries and directions in her life. She did not sleep soundly, and dissatisfaction and unrest muddled her thoughts.

This began to affect her work and relationships. She was becoming argumentative, withdrawn, and unfocused. She was becoming a Toxic Person.

After listening to many authorities about taking control of her life, Kay bravely decided to join an association that supported people aiming to do what she wanted to do. Having realized that being a professional speaker would certainly fulfill her dreams and help her live her mission in life, she faithfully attended meetings and participated heartily, but did not quit her day job.

The first step was finding a mentor who would guide her to what was real and true in the speaking industry. She questioned many people during the networking sessions and finally identified the perfect person. Kay referred to her mentor as a “gift from God.” With help from her carefully selected mentor, a message was crafted and a strategy developed, and she was well on her way. Working on her self-confidence, focus, and next steps was often a struggle, but she pushed forward with the help of her mentor. She knew she was in control of her future and career and quit her day job!

Kay chose not to what-if her life away. Amazingly, many people remain in jobs they hate. Do you? I’ve heard every excuse, and one of my favorites is “I can’t leave because of the pay.” Most people think they are out of control when it comes to their remuneration.

Wrong! You are in total control of how much you make.

Here are three reasons you use the “I can’t change because of the money” excuse:

1. You
   are
   being paid too much for what you really do.
   
2. You have not taken inventory of your talents (or lack of talents).
   
3. You have no idea how to market yourself.
   

YOU
ARE
BEING PAID TOO MUCH FOR WHAT YOU 
REALLY DO

If you know you are being overpaid for your job because of company or industry wage standards, you know you will be out of that job soon. So start looking. In today’s environment, every leader, manager, and supervisor is looking to cut costs, and the easiest way to do it is to dump the overpriced employees. Then the company can either hire less expensive labor or outsource the job. Fair?

Maybe not, but it’s business. Unless you own your own company, you are not in control of the bottom line.

Solution? Ask for more difficult assignments. Learn a high-level skill. Work harder and smarter. Keep a list of the all the skills you have. Without being a Steamroller or a Know-It-All, let it be known that you are capable of accomplishing more. Volunteer to cross-train others, lead an improvement team, or start a Learn and Burn lunch meeting.

The merger was complete, and Donna knew she was at the high end of the pay scale. Her job had been identified as redundant with another capable employee from the acquired company. Donna requested meetings with 10 of the leaders in the merged company’s management team. Six of them set appointments with her.

Donna had just one question: What was the biggest issue they needed to address to quickly reach their united goals? The majority of the leaders told her that it was to address the clash of cultures in the merged company. On her way home from work, Donna stopped by the library and asked the head librarian for some resources to help her learn how other companies have addressed and solved this culture gap problem. Several books were recommended. She contacted the local junior college and developed a relationship with one of the business professors. After putting together a program in half-hour increments, she became a star with the leadership of the merged company. They knew she was worth every penny they were paying her.

Another idea is to take your skills outside the company. Teach literacy, make recordings for the sight challenged, or educate others less fortunate.

You do have some control over the perception others have of you. So if you think you’re being paid too much, do something. If you don’t, they will solve the problem for you.

YOU HAVE NOT TAKEN INVENTORY OF YOUR TALENTS (OR LACK OF TALENT)

Right now, without too much mental processing, write down the five reasons you are good at your job and why you should not be replaced. You should be able to spout these off as quickly as you say your own name. If you can’t do it, I recommend keeping a talent journal for a few weeks or months. You are the one in charge here, so know what you do well!

Fritz had been wishing someone would notice his hard work. His last project not only was under budget, but the customers’ expectations were exceeded. The president of his group, Jack, was coming to town, and Fritz thought to himself, “Maybe his visit is to recognize my efforts.” The meeting began and everyone was filled with expectation.

But what happened? The entire unit was recognized and Fritz was not singled out as being the real hero!

After the meeting, Jack asked Fritz if he could see him in the conference room. Without advance notice, Fritz was asked, “So tell me: What makes you so good at your job?” Fritz was at a loss for words. He shrugged it off, saying, “Oh, nothing in particular,” and lost the opportunity to reveal his talents. The next opening for a management lead was awarded to Fritz’s cubical mate. Toxic behavior subliminally grew in Fritz’s mind simply because he didn’t speak up.

If you inventory your talents and discover that you aren’t as good as you thought you were, here are a few suggestions. You must continue to prove your worth. The level of employment or unemployment really doesn’t matter; you are in control of continuing to prove the value you bring to the company. Toot your own horn, speak up, and do the best every day. If the company takes a new direction, implements new software, merges, or develops a new product, you are responsible for learning the nuances and mechanics of making it work. People who wait to be trained or communicated with will be on the chopping block.

So how do you keep updated? Do you Google your company to find out what is being said in the press? Do you pay for training yourself? Are you constantly looking at ways to improve your behavior and self-awareness? If you answered any of these with a no or not a definitive yes, you are in trouble. Sorry for the bad news, but this is the real world.

It may be that you are a pain in the rear. Do you bemoan policy changes? Are you part of the grapevine and catch yourself gossiping? Are you listening to others who are filled with negativity?

Do you talk about anyone behind their back? If you said yes to any of these, you are on your way out the door. Companies will not embrace office politics that undermines their cause. They don’t have to. What companies will do is promote people who produce, use fewer resources, manage conflict, work successfully with colleagues, find solutions, and move the company to success. This applies for all kinds of businesses; so don’t argue that this is not your environment.

From government agencies to major corporations to entrepreneurs to service businesses, they are all in it for one reason: to make money. And do you think not-for-profit or educational organizations aren’t part of this scenario? Think again. People vote on bonds to support your government and academic job. Folks donate to financially strong nonprofits, giving these entities the funds to support your salary.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO MARKET YOURSELF

You are a commodity. Employers buy your talents because of how you have positioned or marketed yourself. What is your marketing plan? When was the last time you updated your resume? And if you did update your resume, do you understand the nuances of resumes in today’s businesses?

In addition, you are in sales. Every time you open your mouth, you are attempting to sell an idea to another person or group.

Challenge yourself to read or listen to a book on selling and marketing. You are constantly selling
you
. Update your references and your resume. You never know when you will need them.

Jan was very happy with her current position and was often told what an asset she was to the company. Her industry was on fire and there were so many opportunities, but she was satisfied to stay where she was.

One morning, her phone rang and she was greeted with an invitation from a well-known competitor to send in her resume that afternoon. The rival company had landed a very large client, and apparently they were desperate for her help and expertise. The caller said they would give her an extra two weeks of vacation annually, all the benefits they had to offer (which were better than what she was currently receiving), and a 40 percent pay increase. In addition, there would be a handsome bonus.