Toxic People: Decontaminate Difficult People at Work Without Using Weapons or Duct Tape (16 page)

You now have a list that will help you
realistically
evaluate what you are facing. When you are feeling mentally drained, try this and you will find that it works very well, especially if you are stuck and can’t find the momentum to move. If you don’t take action,
you
will become toxic because you feel trapped. Always ask yourself, “What is the worst thing that can happen?” This question can put an overwhelming task or issue into perspective.

Stephen was upset with his peer, Norm, once again. They shared the same office space, so it was hard for Norm not to overhear conversations. Stephen had worked to improve his relationship with Laura, the office manager, but had again argued over how the supplies should be ordered. Once Stephen hung up the phone, Norm turned around and started gossiping about Laura and giving Stephen advice, emphasizing how poorly he had handled the call. Flipping his chair around, Stephen worked for the rest of the day in total silence, not saying a word to anyone. Fuming for hours didn’t resolve anything, though, so the next day Stephen had a plan. If Norm thought he had all the answers, Stephen would approach him over a cup of coffee, and they would put together a pros and cons list. At least now he had a plan.

This process will accomplish two things: make Norm part of the solution, and take a fresh approach to managing the Laura situation.

Toxic Soup

Rescue yourself! Run away from being ill-prepared, because you do have untold resources at your disposal. You can quietly supersede the lethal toxic soup fed to you.

Here’s something you can do, as you are personally accountable for taking the heat out of the toxic soup. Use the freeze-frame technique to reframe negative thoughts into positive ones. Catch yourself midsentence and midthought, and take a positive spin versus a negative twist. Freeze the toxic frame of reference. This can be done no matter how daunting and toxic the situation.

Learn to quietly supersede the negatives in life. Get out of being trapped into calamity thinking. It vandalizes mental capability. Survive the floodwaters from others by choosing not to be a victim. Your suffering from the initial paralysis caused by others and your own thinking can be changed. And don’t ignore reality.

You have untold resources at your fingertips. Use them and stop making excuses.

Where is your focus in difficult times? Beware! Sometimes the focus is on the storm rather than the gorgeous rainbow after the weather passes. Are you thinking about how catastrophic the outcome will be, or do you give yourself a clear view of how you want it to be?

Peggy was late for the meeting. Screeching into the parking lot, she saw one space left. “I’ll just pop around to the other side and get that space,” she thought to herself. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed a massive SUV speeding into the same lot. Just as she was aiming her car toward the space, the SUV slammed in front of her and took the space. “You idiot! You jerk!” she said out loud.

At this point, she knew she could either throw the toxic soup into her thoughts and feed on it or choose to find a parking place on the street. Her friend called it “parking karma,” and she turned her thoughts to how the exercise of walking from the street would be good for her because she would be sitting for the rest of the day. “It’s the world’s way of making sure I burn a few calories,” she thought to herself. Freeze-framing her negativity and focusing on the meeting gave her a new objective.

Only you can take personal responsibility for learning how to decontaminate toxic people by becoming a great internal communicator. Hang around positive, supportive people, and dump those who mentally loot you. You do not deserve their toxic waste. Some people use their verbal weapons to loot your self-esteem and self-confidence.

If you catch yourself focusing on the incoming storm and the what-ifs, ask yourself, “What can I change and learn?” Arm yourself with 24-hour awareness of your self-talk, because you do become what you think about. Whether at work or at home, your behavior will change only if you constantly work on it. So, don’t just try something once or twice! Practice and upgrade your internal and external communications. Record your external communications and review them.

Yes-o-Meter

We earlier identified “yes” behavior to be found mainly in the Needy Weenie in Chapter 7. Have you bought into having a yes-o-meter? Society today has a plague of yes people, and this creates toxic situations and people. Saying yes is not exclusive to these people, however.

Most people hate confrontation and conflict as being related to rudeness and discomfort. I’ll bet you have a real fear of that short-term unpleasantness of telling someone “No,” and to avoid it you are willing to subject yourself to the ultimate unhappiness.

Have you ever said yes to:

• A volunteer job you knew you didn’t have time for?
  
• Helping with the blood drive at work?
  
• Attending a meeting that you knew would be a waste of your time?
  
• Going somewhere you really didn’t want to go?
  
• Buying clothes you really didn’t like?
  
• Participating in an activity that you hated?
  
• Buying equipment because you didn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings?
  
• Having a drink when you really didn’t feel like it?
  
• Eating something that you knew you didn’t care for?
  
• Going for coffee with someone you really didn’t like?
  

This is the ultimate in mental looting! For example, if you have too much on your plate because of constantly saying yes when you should be saying no, this will push you into becoming a Whine and Cheeser (Chapter 8).

How about getting run over by a Steamroller (Chapter 3)?

They constantly throw too much at everyone—except for that one person who has learned to say no.

Perhaps we should consider the behavior of the Zipper Lips in Chapter 4. They mentally loot you because you’ve stopped even asking them to do anything. Their endless pauses and lack of input are making you crazy. In frustration, you wind up doing it all yourself.

You are in the habit of saying yes to just about everything because this response is easier than coming up with a reason for refusing. Think about a difficult project that you know is underfunded and not well thought out. You will say yes to being on the team instead of asking questions and finding out more. As you get busier, the problem intensifies because it’s easier to slide along with the status quo. The result is you question your own thought process and mentally loot yourself!

How to Say No without Feeling Guilty (or Getting Fired)

Learn to have a better score on the yes-o-meter by using the following three-step model:

1. Acknowledge the request or action you are being asked to do, and paraphrase what they want delivered back to them. This clarifies expectations, because people don’t always communicate well.
   
2. Use “I” language and take personal responsibility for what you need. (I think, I need, I want, I feel, etc.) 
   
3. Give the person requesting you to do something two choices (when possible) and let them choose.
   

Manny had told his boss, Robin, that he had to leave at 5:00 P.M., his normal departure time. The day progressed and at 4:45 Robin walked in with a pile of work. Pushing the pile closer to Manny, Robin said, “I need you to finish this work before you leave today.”

Manny said pleasantly, “This project must be important to you. As I mentioned this morning, I need to leave at five o’clock today. I am not able to stay. I can check on whether someone else is able to stay and help, or I will rearrange my schedule for tomorrow morning and help you then. Which one of those two is going to work better for you?”

Did you just faint? Are you saying to yourself, “No way! I’d be fired!” Pay attention to why some people don’t stay late. Listen to their language, and you will find that they use this kind of approach. Understanding, practicing, and using similar language will help you teach other people how to treat you. And you do teach people how to treat you.

I would recommend writing out exactly what you want to say using the model. Practice it many times and get to know the structure, flow, and words as well as you know your own name. Keep practicing the words, because in your first few tries using this method the outcome will not be exact. If you don’t take this advice, you will continue to fade and say “Yes” when you know you should be saying “No!”

Defensive People Are Looters

People who always jump back and say “I knew that!” exhibit defensiveness. Dealing with defensive people is not easy and is truly a learned skill. If you don’t learn it, they will mentally loot you. Face it. People will get angry, whether your partner retreats to silence or a work peer starts yelling. These behaviors may seem to be different, but they are not. They are both defensive. Someone who chronically makes fun of others also shows defensiveness.

The first key is not to protect yourself. They don’t care about you, and your behavior can push them even further away. If you start to retreat into your own kind of inappropriate behavior, you are allowing them to mug you and steal your self-worth. Remind yourself that this is their way of defending themselves
and
it has worked so well they continue to use it. You reward them when you allow them to pilfer your confidence.

To prevent this theft, work on always being a good listener. Listen intently and hear their words in spite of their emotions. Summarize what you are hearing to stay on base. If they drift to another topic, draw them back to the key point that initiated the defensiveness. If you don’t know what is going on, listen more intently and ask “tell me more” kinds of questions.

Arguing

Take a hard look at how you argue. Everyone has had an argument that they were sorry for and walked away from feeling awful. Your first strategy should be to make sure you are arguing about the same issue. It is your job to confirm this.

“Don’t argue with an idiot. People watching may not be able to tell the difference!”

When you argue, you give reasons or cite evidence in support of an idea, action, or theory, typically with the aim of persuading others to share your view. Some people argue just to cause havoc and to make others feel bad. Mental looting is often the result of arguing because you are not confident enough to stand up for yourself.

The budget had not been approved, and Tim needed to move forward with his project. When he approached Mona, his superior, to determine budget approval timing, she slammed down her notebook and said, “Look, Tim, I’m not going to argue with you about the budget.

I’ll get back to you when I have more information! Now go be productive and stop your whining.”

Tim was devastated. His hands were tied and he was unable to move forward with this critical project. How would he tell the team that they were at a stalemate? His confidence was at an all-time low.

That evening, he surfed the Internet for ideas on problem solving, negotiating, and debating. After reading a few articles, he had new assurance on how to proceed.

He went back to the team, and they revisited their strategy for completing the project. They established a new methodology and a new budget. Presented with the refreshed direction, Mona had new energy in understanding their monetary needs and promised to revisit his revised scenario. Tim’s passion to move forward was reignited, and that was obvious to the rest of the group.

Generally, to get what you want, you need to negotiate with other people. Improving your communication skills (i.e., improving your arguing skills) will help. To get what you want is one reason for arguing. Other reasons to argue are to find out what you believe and what other people believe and why.

Keep an open mind to differing opinions because it:

• Shows what position a person holds.
  
• Allows others to present their points or perspectives.
  
• Helps arguers reach and understand new views and reasons for those views.
  
• Does not mentally loot people.
  

Set your ego aside and look for truth or at least discover different ways of researching issues and situations. Listen carefully to arguments presented and formulate your own response. Too many people just knee-jerk and don’t
think
about their response and the impact it can have on the other person.

People also need to know that you understand their frustration and their reason for being pushed over the edge. That means you do not raise your voice, use intimidating language, or display other hostile characteristics; you merely agree on the issue. And never call anyone names. This is a real sign of immaturity when people resort to name-calling.

Remember that this is understanding, not agreeing. There’s a big difference!

Counseling and Coaching

One way to mentally loot other people is to keep them in the dark.

The lack of information, especially when it concerns the quality of their work, borders on inhumane. If you wonder why morale is in the pits, this can be the reason.

Whether you are a worker bee or the leader, it is your obligation to review job responsibilities. I learned early in my career to make sure each person understands their job responsibilities by reviewing everyone’s job description at least every six months. This recap includes the rewards of doing the job well. I then ask
them
for the consequences if they do not meet those job definitions and expected outcomes. Have your pen and paper ready. People are often much harder on themselves than you would be. Listen carefully and note down what they say.

I call this “Rewards and Consequences.” Down the road, if you then have job performance issues, you have a list of exactly what should transpire. Their defensiveness is better managed because there are no surprises. What could they say? They set up the consequences! Of course, this approach is used within the parameters of your human resources policy.

When Barbara was hired, her boss, Tom, reviewed all the assigned job responsibilities. He then told her all the payoffs for Barbara if she did her job and even if she exceeded the required outcomes. She was thrilled knowing that she could get a raise and be up for the prime assignments, time off, and even a promotion!