Toxic People: Decontaminate Difficult People at Work Without Using Weapons or Duct Tape (20 page)

Ruffling people’s feathers through offensive e-mails is not necessarily done consciously. Even the language that you consider benign can come across as flaming. The styles of communication can be different, the perception of context misinterpreted, or the individual temperaments worlds apart. Layer on gender differences, generational divides, and cultural diversities, and you can have toxic interpretations. Get out your Hazmat suit to manage the toxic e-mail!

Walter was responsible for getting a project completed that was behind in delivery. He knew it was late and felt awful about the missed deadline, especially because he was the contact with the client. In a fit of haste, he sent out the following e-mail: “Albert, when is the project going to be done?” Albert became extremely angry as he read the message. “Who does Walter think he is? Who does he think I am, Superman?” To Walter the language seemed innocent enough. The sender knew the context in which the message was sent. So, the flamer successfully ignited the flamee, and all because of the stress and tension being felt by both Walter and Albert.

Problem: Even the MoodWatch resource would have a hard time identifying Walter’s e-mail as a “three chili peppers” alert.

Why do you need this kind of software, anyway? Because hiding behind the security of the keyboard has become an everyday event. The challenge is to send no more than three e-mails to manage an issue. Beyond three, you need to pick up the phone.

The responsibility should not be put on software, but rather on your shoulders. In this fast-paced, multitasking world, sometimes the obvious is not done. If you do not have software available to catch your misspeaking, then think before you hit that “can’t turn back now” button known as “send.”

Your personal responsibility extends to and through the send button. If your messages elicit negative reactions and responses, don’t point fingers elsewhere. Check your wording carefully for those toxic words. Is there even a slim chance any word can be perceived differently than your intent? Create a keen awareness to this.

Whether you focus on gender differences, your leadership, the e-mails you send, or any other means of communication, put yourself in control. And you must make an effort to understand how others perceive you. Neither you nor anyone around you needs to have ruffled feathers! It’s for the birds.

Deanna lived with the threat of weekly migraine headaches. She had married her college sweetheart, Terry, immediately after graduation. However, this union did not provide the kind of life she had dreamed of. His excessive drinking and job-hopping created turmoil in their relationship. Terry’s Jekyll and Hyde personality had him jumping from being a Steamroller to being a Know-It-All. His belittling pushed Deanna’s confidence to a low ebb. After considerable therapy with Dr. Bob, Deanna learned that indeed she had some choices. She decided to leave Terry, ending the toxic infection she had lived with for 11 years. Miraculously, her migraine headaches disappeared for many years—until she infected herself with another toxic situation.

One Day at a Time!

I, Marsha Petrie Sue, am a recovering Toxic Person and am challenged with managing my own poor behavior and making good choices about those with whom I interact. My mother was very sarcastic and could shift from being a Steamroller to being a Backstabber. Dad was a Know-It-All and a Zipper Lip, depending on the situation. It is our job to identify the Toxic People and take action, both professionally and personally. Don’t blame anyone else—just take control and change it.

Who raised you, and how would you characterize them?
You
developed
their
behavior whether you wanted to or not and are challenged with their impact on a regular basis. Think about how you react or respond.

Toxic situations and people don’t happen just at work and on the job. They can permeate every moment of your day.

Early one morning I was driving from Tucson to our cabin in the Arizona White Mountains. The long drive ahead reminded me that I really needed a cup of coffee, and there in front of me was a McDonald’s. The street construction made it difficult to find the entrance, and then I was greeted with about a dozen cars in line at the take-out window.

Somehow I missed the little box you talk into to place my coffee order. When I arrived at the pay window, greeting me was a young girl who looked like she had just gotten out of bed and showed up, bad attitude and all. She said, “You didn’t place your order at the box, so
you have to
get out of line and go the end of the line and talk to the box.”

I asked, “Do you answer the box calls?” “Yes,” she snapped sarcastically, “but you are not on the screen, so you have to get out of line and go the end of the line and talk to the box.”

“No, I will pay you and pull forward,” I said. As though she was preprogrammed, she said, “
You have to
get out of line, go the end of the line, and talk to the box.” I could feel myself going to that ugly place in my brain, the Toxic Person box. Calmly, I said, “Now, we don’t have to get your manager, do we?” With a deep, deep sigh she replied, “Just give me your money and pull forward.” So I did.

Arriving at the next window, I was greeted by a friendly, happy young man. I apologized for “being off the screen,” and he said that it happened all the time because of the construction. I suggested to him that he go train the pay window girl because she was nasty, unfriendly, and an overall pain in the rear. His reply? “Oh, she always has a hair in her biscuit.”

The moral of the story? Don’t put up with other people’s bad behavior. When you do, you give them the message that it is okay to act awful. It is not okay! It should be your quest to have good behavior yourself 24/7 and to expect it of others. Perhaps this is unrealistic, but we need to work on this as a team. Learn the skills to combat Toxic People, and don’t allow them to hook you into their ugliness.

Toxic Kids Learned from Toxic Adults

How about toxic kids? My view is that parents today need and want their children to be their friends. The whole parent-child relationship is gone. Teaching kids behavioral parameters seems to have disappeared from the Mommy and Daddy files. I’m not suggesting that you revert to the June and Ward Cleaver days of
Leave It to Beaver
.

The techniques used so far in this book should be Parenting 101 training. Yes, I know what you are saying to yourself: “You never had kids! Who are you to tell other people how to raise children?” I’ll tell you what I do know. Studying behavioral perspectives has been a passion of mine for over 30 years. When I see these preteen and early teen girls dressing like hookers I am appalled. I asked one mother if she shopped with her daughter when she bought clothes, and she assured me, “Of course. Doesn’t she look cute?” I did say that I thought her clothing was a bit old for her age. I choose to not even try to change anybody and to leave them alone, but sometimes my curiosity just gets the better of me.

Parents today, I believe, are living vicariously through their children. It’s a shame, because I think the lack of behavioral parameters jeopardizes the development of a healthy human being.

Al, my husband, lost his wife to cancer when she was 34 and he 35. Their children, Karen and Al III, were 13 and 14, respectively.

With this terrible tragedy facing the family, he sat down with the teens and explained the new rules. “As you know, I travel just about weekly. Here are the rules: no booze or drugs. If you are arrested, don’t use your last dime on calling me, because I’m not coming. You know better and your mother deserves better than to have you misbehave and screw up.”

Al had new rules, too. He had to learn to cook, clean, be both parents, and more. This was the perfect opportunity for any bereaved family to become toxic, but they chose not to.

Now in their 40s, Karen and Al III are successful adults. It was not an easy road for either of them, but the rules were the rules.

They
knew
when they messed up and what the consequences were.

No surprises.

I’ll say it again: Life is hard. Life is not fair. Get over it!

Staying upbeat in challenging times requires a blend of energy, spirit, self-confidence, and humor. Perceptions must change, including acquiring a broader knowledge and a more comprehensive view. What is your perspective on life and the world? Do your lenses and filters of life include a wide-angle lens, or do you use a microscope with a narrowed view? Do certain situations and events create hostility in you and you drag it around like a sad sack?

Penny was a real dynamo. She woke up smiling and filled with life.

Her family often questioned her to determine what she took during the night and she would answer, “I have a zest for life. Why not? The alternative is boring. I don’t want to be on my deathbed saying, ‘I could have, I should have, I might have.’”

Her spirit helped her live the life of her dreams. Many years before, a very negative aunt had influenced her. Nothing was ever right, and people were always wrong. Penny decided never to allow her life to fall into that kind of rut.

She knew life was not perfect, and when faced with difficult times, she dug for the lesson to be learned. Penny had to dig when her father passed away. He died unexpectedly in his sleep. After much thought she came to see the suddenness of his death as a true blessing, because he had never had to endure a sick day in his life. Even though her grief was deep, she moved on.

Her mother’s fate was much different. Her mom had heart problems and was trapped for years in a wheelchair in a nursing home. The lingering illness took a toll on Penny, though she was always positive when she spoke with her mom. She would muster up a sunny outlook from the very bottom of her soul, knowing it would help them both.

Like Penny’s aunt, there are some people who walk into a room (the Whine and Cheeser or the Needy Weenie) and drain the spirit right out of everyone. They are not fun to be around.

Patricia was down and out again. Her car had broken down, the cat was sick, and she had bought the wrong kind of coffee at the market.

Plus her neighbor always parked too close to her car, the gardeners didn’t cut the grass right, and the garbage pickup was a day late. The traffic seemed to be increasing in her neighborhood, there were lousy vegetables at the market, and her cleaning wasn’t ready. To make matters even worse, it seemed that her friends were avoiding her, her boyfriend hadn’t called, and her mother was always complaining. What was she to do? Life just wasn’t fair, and she knew it would get worse before it got better.

It’s Okay to Laugh at Yourself

Gerta was a crazy kid. She always was showing off, especially when she had an audience of her friends. Jimmy had built a makeshift go-kart with a motor. Taking the neighborhood kids for rides was his real pleasure. It was Gerta’s turn to ride, so she hung onto the roll bar while the go-kart sped around the block with Jimmy driving. As they whipped by the spectators, Gerta decided to jump off right in front of the group to show how cool she was.

She didn’t understand the physics of throwing herself off the moving go-kart, and actually thought she was going to land on her feet.

But she skidded along the pavement, leaving much of the flesh from her arm and leg on the street. Her friends ran to her aid, screaming at her to determine if she was okay. Gerta looked up casually and asked, laughed. That was her nature, and even as an adult she held onto finding humor in just about every situation.

Don’t Become Toxic When a Loved One Dies

The only part about getting older that I hate is that you start losing people who are important in your life. Here are my rules:

• Before they die, tell them you love them.
  
• It’s not about you. It’s about them.
  
• If you have fired family or friends from your life, it’s okay. You should have had a very good reason at the time. Just be gracious.
  
• Be sad and know in your heart you will miss them, but don’t mourn too long. They wouldn’t want you to.
  
• Don’t expect anything to be given to you. Stuff and money are not important. Just be glad you were part of their lives.
  
• Know that everyone grieves at different rates, so don’t be upset if someone is sad for a shorter or longer period than you.
  
• Always do the right thing. Visit people before they die.
  

Karen Young is my stepdaughter and a real jewel in our family crown.

When her grandmother, Lola, was ill, Karen spent endless hours caring for her with the rest of the family. Losing Lola, the matriarch of the family, was difficult for everyone, especially Karen because her mom had died when she was 13. Some relatives became toxic, while others, like Karen, decided to take a different path. Karen went to Lola’s to help with cleaning out the home. That is never a fun task. Here are Karen’s rules for cleaning out the attic:

• Don’t have an attic.
  
• If you
  do
  have an attic, don’t store anything there except your Christmas tree.
  
• If your clothes won’t all fit in your closet, you don’t need all those clothes!
  
• If you store things in your attic because you don’t use them but they have sentimental value, please realize they are one relative away from being at the dump.
  
• If you think you’re having a bad hair day, go clean out the attic.
  

You’ll realize your hair didn’t look so bad when you started.

Take Personal Responsibility for Kids

If you are a parent, take responsibility for your kids. It’s not the school, the computer, the neighborhood, their friends; it’s your responsibility to build their character, ethics, and manners. Teach good integrity and model it. Take total responsibility for the kind of human being your child has become. If you are a grandparent or have never had children, know that you are a role model with
everything
you do.

• You are the parent and they are the children until they are 18.
  
• You are in control and it is your money funding their existence.
  
• Don’t overload their schedules.
  
• Teach them how to have quiet time and why being bored is good.
  
• Learn to say no when appropriate. And stick to it.
  
• Create consistency with your partner in providing discipline and punishment.
  
• Have kids participate in volunteer and community work.
  
• Don’t live your life vicariously through theirs.
  
• Use language you want them to use.
  
• Build great relationships at work and at home, so they can see how.
  
• Teach them to make good choices.
  
• Set parameters so there are consequences for bad behavior and rewards for good behavior.
  
• Talk about sex and drugs.
  
• Don’t do anything you don’t want them to do.
  
• Teach them the value of money and the importance of earning, saving, and spending it wisely.