Toxic People: Decontaminate Difficult People at Work Without Using Weapons or Duct Tape (8 page)

What to Say

Do not let these people suck the life out of you. Memorize a statement that fits with your situation and use it on the Whine and Cheeser and say it repeatedly to them because they probably will not hear it the first few times. This lets them know you are not buying into their misery.

“Are you looking for some specific solutions to this, or do you just want me to help you look into the problem?”

“Did you want me to comment or just listen?”

“Let’s take a moment to focus on the good points. What idea appeals to you the most?”

“From what I’ve seen, I don’t think that is true. Whenever I’ve gone to her with a problem she’s been really open and helpful.”

“The focus so far is

. Is there anything else?”

Behaviors to Avoid

At all costs, do not buy into their misery. If you are having a tough day, avoid the Whine and Cheeser.

When they are telling you their story of woe, unfold your arms and push the energy toward them by leaning forward. Stay pleasant and focused on your goals. In addition, try not to embarrass them.

This just gives them more ammunition.

Identify if your Toxic Person is a Whine and Cheeser by listening and watching. Do this as quickly as possible and then take action. Don’t fall victim to the Whine and Cheeser. That is their goal!

Take II: How It Should Sound

Jonathan knew that there must be another reorganization coming, because all the bigwigs were in meetings day after day. While talking with Mary, a coworker, he said, “We don’t even have the resources we need right now to do the job. Why do they think giving me a new boss every 18 months will make things better? All they really want is to cut costs. What do you think, Mary?”

Mary answered, “I think change is good. It makes us—” Before she could finish, Jonathan cut her off, saying, “Change is awful!” Mary jumped right back in and said, “Oh, Jonathan, I wasn’t finished with my thought. As I was saying, I think change is good. It makes us find new solutions and keeps the environment dynamic. Personally, I am
not
going to what-if myself into a frenzy. Let’s make a pact right now. I know as two professionals we can do this, Jonathan!” Jonathan frowned, and Mary nudged him. “Oh, come on. Just play along with me, okay?” Mary knew she would have to take this same approach several more times to stop Jonathan’s constant negativity. She wished he would go drag someone else down!

Do you want some whine with that cheese?

A
re you thinking about how hard it will be for you to change?

Well, you are right. We are creatures of habit, and change is hard, but not impossible. Because you have continued to read this far, it must mean you are serious about managing Toxic People, decontaminating conflict situations, and resolving dogfights and cat-fights of the human kind.

In this age of uncertainty, we must challenge the fear we feel when faced with our own change. You can’t have a plan of attack if you are fearful of retribution, revenge, paybacks, or bad outcomes.

Decontaminating Toxic People is easy when you choose to look at current approaches, evaluate whether they are working, choose to improve, and take a risk.

The root of the problem is that you allow fear to keep you stuck in a downward spiral of negativity, preventing you from moving into action.

Bo, the Needy Weenie, was driving you nuts at work. You would see his car in the parking lot and want to turn around and drive home. Taking a different elevator than usual, you’d walk all the way around the office to delay your inevitable encounter with Bo, and then, wham! Just when you thought it was safe, the Needy Weenie would show up. Bo would start in with all the problems of the world. You’d feel like your hair was on fire and want to run away screaming.

Start to plan your responses today. Don’t delay. Don’t just think of using one strategy when you plan. Have a variety of approaches. That way, no matter how the conversation changes, you are prepared and ready to neutralize any toxin that is introduced.

Jay couldn’t sleep at night, because his thoughts kept returning to rumors of reorganization and merger that had been floating around the office for days. What would he do if his job was eliminated? How would he make ends meet and feed his family if he had to take a lesser job? He had so much time invested! What to do? He was angry, anxious, and depressed, and the toxic juices flowed in his body. The stress was affecting his job performance and his personal relationships. He was sick both mentally and physically!

Every company either has reorganized or is thinking of reorganization. Most employees do not take the time to plan how to market themselves, so they live under the cloud of the “being laid off”

fear. Why? Because it takes energy, time, and focus to plan for their next position. Don’t get caught in this rut. Take time today and plan for your next job, just in case. Here are six tips to manage the “reorg blues”:

1. Get a newspaper, study ads for jobs similar to yours, and determine your fair market wage. You should do this at least every six months anyway! What is your market value?
   
2. Go online to the many web sites available and look for your current position to verify your salary and benefits. Oh, I know—no one has a job like yours. Just come close!
   
3. Identify the job of your dreams and determine which companies offer this type of position. Really, think big. If it were a perfect world, what job would you take?
   
4. Update your resume so it reflects the nuances of today’s marketplace. People want to know what you can do for them, not what you’ve done in the past! Identify what you bring to the party and how you can help the company succeed. Soft skills and hard skills should be included.
   
5. Find an interesting company? Do your research on its financials, core values, mission, and goals. Can you live with them? Do they match your set of standards or at least come close?
   
6. Keep sniffing around. Most people will
   never
   do this, because planning takes time and energy. Don’t get lazy. Start this process today.
   

I challenge you to be ready: If you wind up in a situation that is intolerable because of Toxic People, be ready to bail. Otherwise,
you’ll
become the Toxic Person.

I am convinced people become toxic and drag down the rest of the team because they are unhappy. They want everyone around them to feel miserable, too.

Managers don’t put into place actions that can be used with these bad apples. They transfer them to someone else’s work area and say things like, “They will be just perfect on your team. We just never developed the chemistry.” That is probably because the bad apple created a toxic spill, and the manager never learned how to clean it up. Instead of evaluating the person and planning for improvement, managers complete glowing evaluations simply because they don’t have the guts to broach the subject. They don’t know how to tell Toxic People the truth and put them on an improvement program. Managing fear is very simple. Learn where it comes from and how to deal with it.

In addition, it’s not always the manager’s place to clean up the toxic spill. It is
everyone’s
responsibility to learn how to manage these people. So, stop pointing fingers and making excuses.

Jane was ticked off once again. Maryann had been reassigned to her team. The last time this happened, the results were deplorable. Jane decided to take action. She approached the team members and had them determine “rules of engagement and expectations.” She put each of the individuals in charge of keeping within the parameters they had set.

When Maryann fell back into her old habits of not doing her job, one of the team members would notice the behavior and approach her. It wasn’t a personal approach or attack; the rules of engagement were simply being addressed.

Successful people apply strategies that lessen the fear of the future and what it can (and probably will) afford them.

SEPARATE CAUTION FROM FEAR

Caution is an intelligent response to a real threat. Fear is an exaggerated response to an imagined or inflated threat. For example, have you ever seen Toxic People explode when they don’t get their way? Your fear heightens when you know you are the one who must approach these human volcanoes with information that runs contrary to what they want. The trick is to know you have practiced communication skills, bolstering your confidence for the approaching conversation.

When you feel helpless, remain calm and take an outsider’s view to accurately assess the level of true danger. Have an out-of-body experience and look from the outside in; then take reasonable precautions. Example: Your internal language of “What if . . .” can push you into bone-chilling fear. What are you saying to yourself? Are your words instilling fear? Do you feel fearful because your perception of the situation is distorted? Force yourself to proceed with caution.

“Here we go again,” Vern thought to himself. “The last time I had to address the group, Elizabeth nailed me! What if I screw up again?

What if I get kicked off this team? What if I lose my job? What if I can’t find a new one? What am I going to do?” Vern stopped himself, knowing he was sending himself into a downward spiral.

BE OPTIMISTIC

Fear is selfish—yes, selfish, because it turns you inward. When you take responsibility for your outcomes in a positive fashion with your work groups, your friends, and even total strangers, it forces you to turn outward. Example: Michael J. Fox was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease, but rather than surrender to the fear that accompanies the diagnosis of a progressive neurological illness, he used his celebrity stature to become a leader in the efforts to find a cure for Parkinson’s. Would you be able to do this? If you question your ability to turn toxic situations into more positive outcomes, you need to improve the belief you have in your talents and skills.

Vern continued, “I am in control here. I’ve got to interrupt this stupid negative thinking. I’m a smart guy and can handle this if I just stay in control and not let my fear take over. I know I can turn this trepidation into energy and be really good at relaying my information to the team!”

DEVELOP TRUE BELIEF IN YOURSELF

You are the big kahuna. You are as good as it gets. Understand who you have become and strictly live by your core values. Be assertive and always stand up for your rights while not violating the rights of others. Self-awareness and confidence allow a realistic view of the current events and will help you evaluate your fears more objectively.

Practicing decontamination strategies in his personal life reinforced Vern’s capability to handle ugly situations. When faced with toxic spills, he knew this was the world’s way of testing what he was learning.

When the outcomes were not exactly what he planned, he evaluated the situation by asking himself, realistically, what he did well, and always finished up with what he should work on next time to get a better result.

DO SOMETHING

Fear can immobilize you. Forcing yourself to do something—anything—can change the focus and free you from fear. Learn, read, take a class—just do it. Knowing that you have the skill and information to proceed can erase the fear. When soldiers are asked whether they’re frightened in battle, they often answer that they’re not afraid while the fighting goes on, but they are while waiting for the fighting to begin. The mental process of failure can be terrifying.

Vern knew one of his weak areas was matching body language and energy level. Focusing on something this simple helped him manage toxic spills. He read that a very subtle way to manage anger or a people problem is to match body language and energy using a technique called mirroring. He started training himself to watch the way people enter a room, how they interact in a group setting, their choice of words, and how they solve problems. Mirroring others’ behavior gave him the strength and training to evaluate every situation.

REMIND YOURSELF THAT FEAR HOLDS YOU BACK

You are in control, but you will become what you think about. Fear makes you reluctant to approach difficult people, so you remain in negative, toxic environments. You become a victim of circumstance. If you are afraid to explore the world and afraid to live (and I mean fully live), there is a ripple effect that extends to others.

When you reveal your fears to your children, you raise kids who are fearful themselves!

Vern knew his biggest problem was developing consistency when using his new skills. He would not let fear keep him from developing the uniformity he needed.

Face Down Fear!

Think about where Vern was coming from and ask yourself if you relate. I don’t care how sophisticated and practiced your skills are; there are times when you are fearful. If you don’t see this in yourself, you have become one of the six types of Toxic People! Your capability to clean up the toxic spills will be limited.

A fearful mind concocts trepidation all by itself! Remembering past negative outcomes creates the trepidation you feel in a new situation. When this happens, most people either withdraw or get angry with themselves because they don’t feel capable. This means your anger is self-induced. Other people and events don’t make you angry; it’s the way you evaluate and internalize them. You get ticked off because you are out of control. And it’s not anyone’s fault but yours.

Here is a 10-step plan for dealing with toxic behavior.

1.
Identify the Toxic Person’s behavior.

• Review the six types of Toxic People and determine with whom you are dealing. Reread Chapters 3 through 8.
  
• What is the incentive for this type of behavior?
  
• Do they change from one type to the next? If so, expand your planning to include the different toxic types.
  

2.
Understand the outcome you want with the relationship.

• Do you need to resolve the issue and move forward with this Toxic Person?
  
• Is it better to sever the relationship completely?
  
• Should you set up definitive parameters on how the relationship will proceed?