Toxic Secrets (13 page)

“Take deep breaths, Courtney. Clear your mind, everything is okay. You’re going to be okay,” he repeatedly whispered in my ear as he encouraged me to bend over, placing my head between my knees.

“Here, breathe into this.” Opening my eyes, I saw Jaxon squatting down in front of me handing me a popcorn bag. I faintly noticed a look of empathy in his eyes. Reaching for the bag with a trembling hand, I gasped for air, making it hard for me to properly grab it. Jaxon seemingly aware of my struggle, scrunched the top of the bag and quickly, but gently, placed it up to my mouth. Phillip’s muscles tensed up underneath me. I couldn’t handle a repeat performance at this moment. I wanted them both to leave and let me handle this on my own, but I couldn’t even find an ounce of oxygen to inhale, much less speak. It was their fault I was in this situation in the first place.

I tried ignoring them the best I could. I even tried blocking out all thoughts, everything that had happened between Jaxon, Phillip, and I over the last week. But it was simply impossible, I could feel the tension radiating throughout the room. In one corner sat my ex who didn’t really want me, but didn’t want anyone else to have me either. Then, in the other corner, sat Jaxon, the ‘best guy friend’ whom I had a strong attraction to, but knew was off limits. I didn’t need this unnecessary stress in my life.

Remembering the techniques the doctor taught me, I zoned out, taking myself out of the equation, even if just temporarily. I closed my eyes, mentally removing myself from all my surroundings, and only focusing on happy times in my childhood. I remembered the summers I spent with Kendra and her parents at their beach house without a care in the world. I could smell the salt water and feel the ocean breeze blowing through my hair, sauntering with the warm sand between my toes and the sun kissing my skin.

Before boys, life was so much simpler. As I went through the early transition of becoming a teenager, I couldn’t wait for that first boyfriend whom I could go on dates with, experience that first kiss, and share intimate moments. Now, I longed for a genie in a bottle to grant me just one wish—remove all boyfriend material out of my life. Phillip was my one and only ‘real’ boyfriend, and it didn’t turn out at all like the romance novels I’d read. Sure, I’d had my crushes before Phillip, but I was always too shy to tell anyone, even Kendra, for in fear that my secrets would be revealed and I would be rejected. I dreamed of the day when I’d meet that perfect guy who would give his heart and soul to me completely. 
Gah! I was such a hopeless romantic.
I had to stop reading those stupid romance novels all the time and fanaticizing over fictional characters. They were fictional for a reason. This was real life I was living in, with real dirt bags. There was that saying—a girl marries a man just like her father. Lord help me if I were to make that same mistake.

Through my meditation, I could feel my heart rate slow, my airway expanding with every lungful of oxygen I inhaled. I could feel someone lightly raking their fingers through the hair closest to my face. My senses started to awaken with the hint of peppermint circling through the air. As I became more aware of my surroundings, I noticed a tender hand circling around my back, soothing me. I was still sitting slumped over with my head down by my knees when I heard that all-familiar throat clearing. I opened my eyes sluggishly to find those beautiful, iridescent blue eyes staring out into space with a look of concern… anguish… fear? Jaxon sat directly in front of me on the floor, his knees pulled close to his chest. His arms draped over his knees with one hand extended out toward me, playing with my hair. He was close enough to me for Phillip to not be aware of him piddling with my brown locks. Blinking his eyes rapidly, he let his hand fall as he caught me staring at him. I was confused by the strange expression in his eyes.

As I started to sit up, I realized then that the hand rubbing my back belonged to Phillip. I could feel the anger starting to build up in my muscles, now making me tense. Phillip had never been one to console me, especially when I had panic attacks. He usually ridiculed me and told me it was all in my head and that I was a hypochondriac looking for attention. The only reason he was being so caring now was solely due to the man sitting on the floor in front of me.

Phillip stopped rubbing my back as I straightened up. His hand slid down my back, stopping at my waist to place a firm hand around it. His other arm draped over my legs giving me a slight squeeze on the outside of my thigh. It was a familiar gesture of his. Like he was claiming me as his property, demanding that I not move. My panic attack had made me so tired and drained, but Phillip’s chauvinistic behavior was causing me to internally implode with rage. I was about to make a bad situation worse when my manager came busting through the door.

“Oh, Courtney! Thank God you’re okay.” She had her hand on her chest giving a sigh of relief. “I thought I was going to have to call 911, but Phillip said you have these attacks all the time, that it was normal.”

“He should know,” I mumbled. He was usually the cause of all my panic attacks.

“I heard that,” he whispered in my ear. I ignored him, pretending to not hear him.

Jaxon stood up, leaning against my manager’s desk with his arms crossed over his chest. Maggie walked over to Jaxon giving his bicep a squeeze. “And this sweet gentleman here seemed to know just what to do.” She loved flirting with the young guys. Even if she was old enough to be their mother, she never let it faze her. “He was very knowledgeable on panic attacks.”

Jaxon gave her a friendly smile. “It’s no big deal. I’m just glad Courtney is okay,” he said, locking eyes with mine. Phillip squeezed my thigh tighter, clearly not liking the friendly exchange.

Jaxon’s eyes left mine, landing straight on the placement of Phillip’s hand gripping me. His face twisted into anger.
Was he jealous? Did something crazy happen in the duration I tuned out the world?
Whatever was the cause of his contorted face, I wasn’t in the mood to deal with it. I needed both of these guys out of my life at the present moment, and possibly for a portion of the future.

Maggie continued chatting non-stop. I wasn’t sure who she was talking to or what she was talking about because nobody, including myself, appeared to be listening. It was obvious she wasn’t feeling the high levels of testosterone permeating throughout the room.

“I need to get up,” I murmured as I tried to pry Phillip’s fingers from his vice-like grip on me. Surprisingly he let go and helped me up as he stood up himself. He still kept hold of my elbow, though. I turned to look at him, clearly letting him know I didn’t want him touching me anymore. “I’m going to the bathroom, then I’m going home,” I said to no one in particular with disgust dripping from my voice as I hastily pulled away from Phillip’s hold.

I walked out of the office without making eye contact with Phillip, Jaxon, or Maggie.

“Courtney!” I heard Maggie say as she approached from behind me, trailing my heels as I walked into the bathroom. “Don’t worry about punching out. I’ll fix your time for you later. You just go on home and get yourself some rest. Don’t you worry about those silly boys out there either, especially that ex-beau of yours. He’s not worth a shit. Heck, he’s as useless as tits on a boar.”

“Thanks, Maggie. I’m so lucky to have you as my manager.”

She gave me a one-arm hug then told me goodbye.

I stood in the stall, not having to use the bathroom at all. I just needed to escape, to gather my thoughts on how I wanted to handle the circumstances I knew I needed to address. I’d have to tell Jaxon and Phillip to keep their distance from me. It would be no problem for Jaxon because we hadn’t made that deep connection. There was no history between us. Phillip, on the other hand, was a whole different story. I had tried this once before when I broke things off with him, but that only lasted a month. I was worried that he wouldn't leave me alone, especially now that Jaxon was a temporary fixture in my life.

Taking a few deep breaths, I checked myself in the mirror to make sure I didn’t look like some lunatic after that crazy, insane panic attack. I pulled my hair back into a ponytail. Someone apparently had taken it down while I was zoned out because I didn’t recall doing it.

I walked into the lobby and looked around for Jaxon and Phillip with no sight of either of them anywhere.

“Are you going to be okay?” It was Jaxon’s voice asking, but it was Phillip who came from behind to embrace me.

I turned around, bypassing Phillip’s eyes to see Jaxon leaning up against the wall right outside the bathroom doors. “Yeah, I’m fine, but I need to talk to both of you.” My heart rate rapidly picked up the pace.

“Phillip, please take a step back. I don’t need you up in my face at the moment.”

He gave me a look that screamed ‘bitch,’ but I was numb to that derogatory name, had been for a couple of years now.

Drawing in a long, deep breath, it felt as if I was sucking all the oxygen out of the air. I wiggled my fingers, trying to hide the nervous shakes I seemed to have no control over. 
Why wasn’t Kendra here with me?
She had always been my rock in situations like this.

My voice started off doing that embarrassing shaky thing it tended to do when I got nervous. “I don’t really know how to go about handling this,” I circled my hand around indicating the three of us, “but I need a break from both of you. Jaxon, I know we just met and we are clearly just friends, but being around you right now is making life difficult for me. I’m really sorry, and I feel bad that you are unknowingly getting caught up in this foolishness Phillip and I have going on. I hope we can meet up again in the near future.”

Jaxon took a few steps toward me stopping before he got too close. “I completely understand, Courtney. No need to apologize. Don’t get so stressed out. I respect your request. I’ve dealt with a lot of pricks in the past.” It was a calming feeling to recognize the sympathy he was clearly showing me.

“Fuck you, motherfucker!” Phillip blurted to Jaxon.

Jaxon ignored him as he made his way toward the exit doors. I watched him leave as he turned around and shouted, “Courtney, if you need me for anything, you know how to get in touch.” He walked out into the dark, cold night.

“I’m gonna kick his fuckin’ ass! Who the hell is he to act like he knows anything about me, or have you been telling lies about me again?”

I only spoke the truth about Phillip. He was the one living a life of denial. He was openly battling with his inner demon, but I knew he wouldn’t do anything to me out in public, so I swallowed my little bravery pill and decided to tell him how I felt about him.

“Stop it, Phillip! Just shut the hell up!” I spoke loud, but not so much that everyone in the lobby could hear me. “I can’t continue to be your pal right now. I know we discussed us,” I said, pointing back and forth at chest level, “but ‘us’ isn’t taking the path that I had hoped for. We made that agreement, and you’ve broken that contract already. I had a freakin’ panic attack because I was afraid of your reaction when you found out who Jaxon was.” I noticed that people started looking at us and realized I was hitting a few octaves higher than my normal tone. “It’s nonsense, and I can’t inflict that type of abuse on myself anymore.”

“So, now this is my entire fault? Bullshit, Courtney. You bring this shit on yourself. Don’t you dare try to turn your sensitive nerve problems on me. You inherited that shit from your mother.” He had his finger pointed so close to my face that he was a hair shy from touching my nose, seething by that point. His bright red cheeks gave him away every time. Whenever he got mad at me, he would always throw my mom into the mix. He liked blaming her for everything because, first, he knew she was all I had and, second, he knew she didn’t like him. So he verbally bashed her every chance that he got.

Taking a step back, I wanted to remove myself from the self-destruction that was about to take place. “Calm down, Phillip, I’m not blaming you. I’m just saying I need another break from you, this time longer.”

All the hurt he inflicted on me over the years started to resurface. I wanted to cry, but I was not going to let myself cry in front of him. All it ever did was piss him off even more. Taking a deep breath, I swallowed the bundle of tears that had formed in my throat. “You disintegrate my heart… my soul… my mind… my body… and I’m tired of feeling like I’m a piece of shit. I need to surround myself with positive people that support me and love me, regardless of any flaws I may bear.” My voice fell into a whisper as all my fighting strength crumbled down around me. “I’m not saying everything ends here. I’m just saying we need time to ourselves, or at least I need time to myself. I guess I can’t really speak for you.”

Phillip stood there, still as a statue, not speaking a word. I knew at that moment he was trying to compose himself before he lashed out in front of everyone.

“Please don’t make this harder on me than what it already is.”

“Harder on you? There you go again throwing all blame back at me. Damn, Courtney! When are you ever going to take any responsibility in our relationship?”

Me take responsibility?
He somehow always managed to flip things around to make me feel like I was the one that had screwed up. Every time he had cheated, he turned the story around, saying I was the cause of him having to stray. Worst of all, he manipulated me until I actually believed it was my fault. I was determined to not get brain-washed this time.

“Fuck!” Phillip suddenly turned around and punched a hole into the plastic casing holding the movie posters. “Fuck,” he gritted between clenched teeth.

 I peeked around my shoulder to assess the damage he caused. I had ducked when I saw his fist fly through the air, thinking he had finally snapped and was going to take that first swing at me.  Unintentionally, I had lit his fuse.

“You stupid, fuckin’ bitch! Look what you’ve done now. You trying to fuck up my basketball career?” His glare was cold as ice. The cuts he sustained were quickly producing a lot of blood. “I don’t have time for your dramatics anymore. I’ve got to get my hand looked at.” He was cursing under his breath, twisting his hand around to examine how severe the injury was. I knew at this point there was nothing I could say that would extinguish his rage of fire. “Save your damn drama for your mama because she’s the only one that gives a fuck about you anyway,” he spat out at me.