Toxic Secrets (23 page)

“You’re not my damn father, Troy. So stop trying to act like it,” I yelled at him, but he had already closed the door, ignoring me.

 “You boys arguing again?” Startled, I spun around on the bar stool, not hearing anyone enter the room. Valeria was the last person I wanted to deal with right now. I ignored her question laced in that sexy Spanish accent I used to adore. Laying my head down on the bar, I closed my eyes to capture a glimpse of Courtney’s beautiful smile. She lived in my mind and I couldn’t get her image out of my head. Every time I closed my eyes, I replayed all the moments we’d spent together.

Once again, I was startled from my reverie as I felt acrylic nails massaging my scalp. My head shot up from its resting spot to throw daggers into a set of almond-shaped, brown eyes. “Fuck off, Val.” I plopped my head back down on the bar, ready to continue my daydreaming.

“It’s easier to fuck off if you’re the one doing the fucking,” Valeria spoke lightly in my ear. I lifted my head a few inches off the bar, mainly to get her out of my ear. My eyes were greeted with a pair of voluptuous tits. Valeria had perched herself across the bar, planting her double D’s on the counter trying to entice me to take a taste. I knew her devious tricks just as well as I knew my own.

Flashbacks of how I used to face-plant myself in her silicone-valley brought bile up to my throat. Valeria was nothing but a whore that used me as much as I used her.

Before I could tell her to get the fuck out of my life, my phone buzzed with Kendra’s name lit up across the screen. I jerked it down under the bar to keep Val’s wandering eyes from meddling in my business.

My heart lodged itself into the pit of my stomach as I read the first sentence.

K: FYI - Court’s been in a car accident w/ Phillip, but she's ok.

Chapter 20 ~ Forgiveness

Guilt washed over me as I sat in the waiting room with Phillip’s family. Little by little, his teammates and friends filled the shrinking room. The more people that filtered in, the more stigma pushed against me, penetrating into me, slowly slicing through my skin like an Obsidian knife.

Shame overwhelmed me. I couldn’t even look at them, especially his dad. My worst injury consisted of a mild concussion and a busted lip from the air bag, but, other than that, I didn’t have much else to show for the wreck. It should’ve been me in that operating room having surgery. I’d possibly ruined his life, his career, his dream, his future. I didn’t know whether to cry in agony or scream in anger.

 No longer could I handle all the whispering floating around the room. I knew they were talking about me. I needed to leave, but I couldn’t. How would I be portrayed then? As a coward… or narcissist… or heartless? I was none of those things, so I had to suck it up and persevere.

I was too shameful to look anyone in the eye, so when the officer touched my shoulder to get my attention, I nearly fell out of my chair. “Sorry, ma’am, I need to ask you a few questions regarding the accident,” the officer asked. I wanted my mom with me, and I didn’t understand why she hadn’t arrived yet. The tears were stinging the back of my eyes like a thousand bees on attack, and I didn’t know how much longer I was going to be able to hold them back.

“Is your mother or father here with you?” I shook my head, afraid that if I spoke, the forceful cry would escape from my throat.

Warm hands touched my shoulders, pulling me to them in an embrace. Immediately, I recognized him—Phillip’s dad. “Hey, Officer Jamie. Her mother is on her way. Is it okay if I speak with her for a minute?” The officer nodded and told Phillip’s dad he would be back in a little bit.

The kindness this man showed me after I sent his son to the hospital for emergency surgery, almost costing his life, was too much. I let go of all the anguish I was holding in and wept hard. “Shh, it’s going to be okay. Phillip is going to be okay. He’s alive, and so are you. That’s all that matters now.” Shaking my head, I knew I didn’t deserve the love this man was showing me.

He continued to comfort me, patting my back as I sobbed, appeasing me until my cries turned into snubs. He pulled away, looking at me with great sympathy. “Do you want to walk outside and talk? I think a fresh breath of cool air will be good for you.”

Not yet trusting my voice from flouting back into uncontrollable sobs, I nodded.

Following him through the automatic doors, I nearly trampled over my terrified mother. “Oh dear Lord! Thank goodness you’re okay,” she cried in a state of panic. She had already grabbed me, hugging me tighter than I ever thought her small frame was capable of.

After holding me for what felt like hours, she pulled away, but still kept a death grip on my upper arms. “What happened? All I’ve been told was you and Phillip were hit by someone running a red light. I didn’t know if you were dead or alive.” Fear poured out of her mouth like running water. I was all she had, and if something were to ever happen to me, I knew she would be lost in this world forever.

She frantically turned her head back and forth, eyes searching for something. “Where is Phillip? Is he okay?” A tear made its way out of my mother’s eye. It hurt me so much to see the pain I was inflicting on her. She had always been the rock in our home, staying strong, never showing weakness, even in the hardest of times. But to see her so fragile, to see that single tear roll down her cheek, broke my heart. Another shot of guilt washed over my body like a tidal wave, suffocating me with sorrow.

In order to make things right, I had to suck it up. It was time for me to be resilient, I couldn’t cry now. It was the only way I would be able to repay my mother for causing her so much agony. It was my turn to be the rock. “He’s in surgery,” I whispered. “His leg got crushed. We haven’t heard the extent of his injuries yet.”

My mother looked up at Phillip’s dad with deep sympathy. “I’m so sorry, Preacher Wilkins.”

He laid a heartening hand on her shoulder. “No need to apologize, Alma. It wasn’t Courtney’s fault. They just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. God is in charge; he doesn’t allow these things to happen without a purpose. What that purpose is, well, we’ll just have to wait until He’s ready to show us.”

I couldn’t understand how he wasn’t blaming me. His forgiving soul brought me comfort, but it also brought me sadness. I didn’t deserve his forgiveness. Not this quickly, not without knowing the outcome of Phillip’s injuries.

“I’m going to head back inside and see if there have been any updates from the doctor,” he said, giving us a nod. I could tell he wanted to give us privacy. He knew I needed my mother right now as much as she needed me.

“Maryann has no idea how lucky she is to have such a sweet, wonderful man as her husband,” my mother whispered as we both watched him walk down the hall until he disappeared. Mom grabbed my hand, lacing her fingers through mine. “So, tell me exactly what happened from beginning to the end.”

I went through the entire story starting from the time I arrived to the game until I lost consciousness from the impact. I left out the part about Phillip losing his cool. “Honey, you just don’t know how happy and relieved I am that you are okay. I’m going to talk to a doctor about your concussion and—” 

“Phillip is awake and is asking for you, Courtney,” Sean interrupted with heavy, short breaths. “I ran down here to get you as soon as I could.” His smile told me everything I needed to know. I inhaled the deepest breath of relief. Just knowing that Phillip was awake was enough for me to feel that ounce of hope I needed in order to deal with my guilt.

With my mother close behind, we followed Phillip’s dad back inside. “I’ll be here waiting for you in the lobby,” she called out to me as Sean and I rushed into the elevators.

Every nerve in my body felt fidgety. My insides were bouncing around in different directions like a pin ball machine. Time was ticking in slow motion. The elevator felt like it was moving slower than a sloth climbing a tree.

Sean must have been able to sense my restlessness. “He’s okay, Courtney. The surgery went well. It’s not as bad as they feared,” he smiled.

He wouldn’t tell me this if it were untrue, so I knew he was right. Once again, his smile warmed my spirit and brought me hope.

Slowly, I opened the door, not expecting to be greeted with eyes of the devil. Maryann’s malicious glare followed me in, giving me the coldest stare and causing chill bumps to appear all over my body. I swear I could feel the temperature in the room drop twenty degrees from the menace emanating from her evil soul. Her eyes were red and swollen from crying. I almost felt sorry for her. Almost.

Knowing I had already wavered somewhere along her scale of distaste, I was pretty sure I had now surpassed the hate meter.

Trying to stay discreet, I stood against the wall beside the door. Not trusting her enough to know if she would turn psycho and beat my ass, I didn’t want to press my luck with the bitch-witch. I wasn’t taking any chances to find out either.

Sean walked over by Maryann leaning down to tell her something I couldn’t clearly hear. I thought he told her to give us some time alone, but I wasn’t sure. She stood from the chair to give Phillip a kiss on his forehead then left the room without acknowledging me on her way out. I’d thought of telling her that I was sorry, but decided against it. Silence was usually the best option to choose when it came to dealing with her.

Sean followed closely behind her then stopped before stepping out of the room. “Take all the time you need, Courtney. I think he’s going to need all the love and support we can give him.”

Tiptoeing over to Phillip’s bedside, I absorbed the trauma lying in front of me. Monitors beeping, tubes twisted in all different directions, and Phillip lying there wrapped up like a mummy in bandages and blankets. All the agony hit me at once. My heart was broken. My eyes released tears of pain for this boy I loved, lying helpless in this hospital bed because of me.

Lacing my fingers through his, I lowered myself into the chair his mother had vacated. Immediately, I felt him lightly squeeze my hand. Eagerly, I looked up at him happy to see those beautiful, milk chocolate, brown eyes staring back at me. He tried smiling, but instead winced from the deep cut in his lip. I didn’t deserve his smile. He should be angry with me.

My phone buzzed in my back pocket indicating a text message. I ignored it without looking, only wanting to focus my attention on Phillip and his needs. “I’m so sorry, Phillip. It should’ve been me, not you. I should’ve been paying better attention. I lost my temper. I wasn’t focused on my surroundings. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. Will you please forgive me?” I was on the brink of becoming hysterical. Tightening my grip on his hand, I held on for dear life as I buried my face in the blankets, crying out in pain—the pain I was causing him. Of all the horrible things he’d done to me, I still couldn’t find it within myself to watch him suffer.

Phillip very slowly ran his fingers through my hair, shushing me. “It was an accident, it wasn’t your fault,” he paused. It appeared the anesthesia was still strong in his system. He was struggling to stay awake.

“It was the stupid asshole’s fault that ran that red light,” he whispered. “I saw him right before he hit us, but it wasn’t enough time for me to warn you.” He closed his eyes, fatigue clearly taking over.  Sitting there, I stared at his peaceful but battered face in disbelief. He wasn’t blaming me. Instead, he was actually consoling me. The one time I didn’t deserve his forgiveness and he was giving it, effortlessly.

“I’m sorry,” he choked out.

Those were two of the simplest words to say, except most people found them so hard to speak. I’d prayed many sleepless nights for him to tell me he was sorry. Those two words I longed to hear from this boy I still hopelessly loved, but had given up all hope of ever being told. If I hadn’t read the words form on his full lips, I would have never believed my ears. Since the day we met, that was the first time he ever told me he was sorry.

Now here he was lying in bed, unable to walk, while I sat beside him with nothing but a few bruises, and he was telling me he was sorry. Phillip was damaged far worse than I ever imagined.

My phone buzzed again with a text message. I ignored it—again. All the important people in my life knew where I was and what condition I was in.

Not sure if I should say something back or not, I just sat there motionless. I wanted to tell him he didn’t need to apologize because the accident wasn’t his fault, but I wasn’t really sure what he was apologizing for. I wanted to believe it was for all the hell he’d put me through, but now wasn’t the time for nasty thoughts, as such, to be filtering through my head. Even if I asked him, I wasn’t sure if he was even coherent enough to know I was still there.

All my attention focused on him for what felt like hours, but was actually only minutes passed. Patiently waiting for any type of movement, he finally blinked a couple of times, barely opening his eyes. His eyelids hung low, but I could tell he was looking at me through his lush eyelashes. “I love you, please don’t leave me,” he murmured then closed his eyes before squeezing my hand.

I sat there dumbfounded.

Was he delirious from the drugs administered to him? He was saying things I’m sure he didn’t mean. Maybe it was one of those situations where a person felt threatened or unease by certain situations or circumstances, and they were able to muster enough nerve to tell how they really feel? I knew first-hand that’s how an inebriated person functioned, so why would pain medication be any different?

My phone buzzed one more time in my back pocket. Pulling it out, annoyed by the disturbance, I turned it off.

I shook him lightly. I needed an answer. I needed to know if he was talking to me or someone else. He could’ve easily been talking in his sleep or talking out of his head.
Hard drugs could screw up a person’s ability to think clearly, right?
I shook him a little harder. “Phillip,” I whispered. “Phillip, wake up. Talk to me, please?” I pleaded, raising my voice a little.