Tragic Love (26 page)

I pull the black velvet box from my pocket, holding it up for Presley. “I got this for you. Open it.” Presley instantly tears up and slowly opens the lid, showcasing the necklace. “I know how hard it’s been these last two months and I can’t imagine what you’ve had to endure while you’ve been here, but I want you to know how much I love you. Whenever you’re feeling the world is becoming too much to bear, look at this and know
I
believe in you.” Pulling the necklace from the box, I fasten it behind her neck. The pendent dangles low on her chest, the tip of the heart resting on the small swell of her breasts, exactly where I want it—my heart touching hers. “Every time you feel like you want to give up and give in, remember my heart is right here, loving you, needing you.” I kiss her lips, not out of lust, but out of reassurance to Presley, reminding her that she’s right where she’s meant to be. In my arms, against my lips and living in my heart.

“It’s time to go, sir,” the overweight guard says to me as he opens the door to the parking lot. I ignore him and press my lips harder against hers. I don’t want her to forget how much I love her. “Sir, it’s time to go.”

“I love you so much, Drake. Thank you for the necklace. I promise, I’ll never forget,” Presley says between the movements of our lips.

I break our kiss then move toward the door, keeping her fingers firmly entwined with mine. Her skin is soft and tender against my calloused hands and it’s killing me to let her go. The guard is standing over us, growing impatient.

I place a final kiss to her lips then I whisper, “You’re worth loving, Presley. Every second, every minute and every hour of my life, you will
always
be worth loving.”

***

It felt like we were on the road for days when we drove home from Memphis. Jake was quieter than he’s ever been since I can remember, and in a complete dick mood. He refused to stay over in the hotel before we left which resulted in me getting no sleep and driving seemed impossible. The entire fourteen hour trip, he spoke ten words and when I mentioned Delilah, I was awarded a heated glare. I have no idea what happened after they left rehab together and I don’t recall ever seeing Jake this angry in my life. They’ve always had a hot and cold relationship, so I chalk this up to a cold moment. They’ll be back on before we know it.

When I finally pull in the driveway, it is eleven in the morning. I’ve been awake for almost two days, only taking a few short hours to sleep on the drive home. It was either let Jake drive or crash into the ditch. We pull our bags from the backseat and Jake walks to the garage after noticing Jeremy working under the hood of his Challenger.

I walk to the stairs, trudging up every step until I walk into the kitchen. The last two days have ground me into the floor, and right now, I’m too exhausted to pull myself up. My body feels like I’ve worked the heavy bag for ten consecutive hours and my eyes lids are filled with lead, however the worst part is the weight bearing down on my chest. After seeing Presley, holding her in my arms and learning about her true inner feelings, my heart has filled and emptied so many times I’m surprised it’s still pumping at all.

I open the fridge and pull the orange juice container from the shelf without even bothering with a glass and gulp down the liquid. I really wish it was Jack I was chugging down now, but now is not the time or place for that shit.

“That’s really fucking rude, Drake,” Darcie says as she rounds the corner, holding a very happy Mia in her arms. I place the juice back into the fridge and walk over to my beautiful baby.

She looks perfect. Cheeks slightly flushed, the brown curls of her hair bouncing down her neck and the biggest smile lights up her face. She recognizes me immediately and starts to lean away from Darcie, arms stretched out to me.

I take Mia in my arms and pepper her cheeks in kisses. God, I’ve missed this little angel. She is giggling, babbling and slapping my shoulder with excitement. Absolutely precious. Perfect.

Keeping my tone light, I say, “You know if my daughter’s first word is a curse word, I’m holding you and Jake responsible. Even Reggie holds his tongue when she’s around.”

“Well, you know me, and if she does end up saying a curse word first, I’d blame Jake. He’s worse than me,” she says, giving Mia a light tap to her bottom. “So how was it? How’s she doing?”

“I almost didn’t recognize her. She looks stunning.” I close my eyes as I remember seeing Presley for the first time yesterday. Her skin was radiant and glowing, eyes sparkling and smiling a true, genuine smile. “She’s still got some work to do, but she is doing much better.”

Darcie starts nervously, rubbing her thumb across the scar on her wrist, trying to find the right words to say. “Did…did she talk about Robert?”

“Yes. We spent a long time talking about him and her time she spent with him.” Drudging up those old nightmares was painful, although not near as horrifying as it was for Presley. It was the worse time of her life and there she was finally facing it after three years of battling it inside herself. I’ve got to give her credit, that girl is stronger than I ever imagined. Having to battle with her nightmares everyday for three years all because she was too scared to say anything, all the while trying to function as a normal human being. I would have never been able to do that.

Darcie’s eyes are stabbing into mine and her jaw is tense. Reggie is her lifeline, like Presley’s mine. If he were to leave, I don’t know how she would function. “So? What did she say about it?”

“It’s fine. She was very worried at first, about talking about how he died, but never mentioned Reggie and what he did. She told the doctor what he would find if he researched it himself.”

Darcie releases a big breath and a single tear at the same time. We are all relieved nothing is going to happen to Reggie and I’m relieved Presley can finally start to heal from Robert. I know it won’t be easy, but little by little, she will come around because she’s strong and has all our support to help her get better.

Mia is resting her head on my shoulder as I sway side to side, rocking her to sleep. Once Darcie tells me she is out, I walk back to my room and carefully lie down in my bed, keeping my sleeping baby on my chest. Right now, she is the only piece of Presley I can hold and it feels impossible to let her go. Not when my heart is as raw as it is.

***

After a couple days I’ve finally managed to find my much needed routine. Work on Monday was exhausting and I only spent a few hours in the cab of the crane before I was sent home. Normally, I would have done anything around the plant to get a few more hours in, but after this weekend’s roller coaster of events, I was completely spent. Reggie asked me to work a couple of nights at the bar so he could get a night off and I was happy to do it. I keep trudging through the weeks, living each day one at a time. Thirty days feels like an eternity, but in the grand scheme of things, thirty days is nothing compared to the rest of my life.

Presley

Week Nine:

Dr. Garner is relentless this week, not letting up once, and I’m feeling the sessions are too much right now. My heart is so exposed and aching from Drake’s absence. I answer his questions, talk about all the shit he wants me to talk about, but I’m not vested in this week at all. I simply want to go back to my room and miss Drake in private.

It’s been a sad week for me. My desire to use is not there and my thoughts of Robert are dormant for the time being. The days are sad because I can still feel Drake’s hands on my skin. The loss is unbearable. I knew I really missed him when I came here, but now I’ve had a small glimpse of him and I feel like half of me is missing.

The necklace he gave me warms the skin of my chest as I feel his love with me. Several times today, I’ve run my fingers over the heart-shaped pendant, reminding myself that he’s here with me.

I replayed our last moment together over and over in my head and I can’t even begin to explain how meaningful his last words were to me. You’re worth loving. It makes me smile. It makes me actually feel worth something. Drake makes me feel worthy of love. I love him. I love you, Drake Evans.

Week Ten:

My eyes are swollen from crying. Mia was the hot topic of the week and now that I’ve finally allowed myself to see the baby girl I love, it is killing me what kind of mother I’ve been. Before, my sick head was validating every single detached emotion I created, justifying it, making it okay. I can’t believe I used to not want her. I wanted to kill her because of my own selfish need.

This pain is much worse than anything I’ve had to deal with and I want to use right now. I don’t want to feel the pain of denying my child love, but I know I need to feel this pain. I deserve it. However, I’ve come to realize all the coping techniques Dr. Garner and I have been working on all these weeks is starting to work. I’m figuring out how to deal with my disappointment and depression.

Mia and Drake are my everything and I refuse to let my inner demons take over again. I won’t miss any more of her life. I don’t ever want to see Drake’s eyes look so broken ever again. Survive. Survive. Survive. For Drake. For Mia. I need to survive! I have two more weeks left in this place and I won’t waste them. I will keep myself engaged in my treatment, participate more in group and hold onto the people needing me to survive on the outside.

Week Eleven:

When I woke up the other day, I dreaded to even pull the covers down from body. I didn’t want to face it all again. I had no patience to listen to people in group therapy, nothing left to give in my one-on-one session with Dr. Garner. I was ready to give up, but like he was feeling it, too, Drake’s voice came through over the phone and it gave me the strength once again to hang on. I held his heart between the pads of my fingers for hours, holding onto him for dear life.

Then Mia’s cooing passed through the receiver and I knew this was not the time to give up. I can never give up. Not ever. These two people are the reason I need to survive every single day.

When I initially started treatment, I didn’t want to speak to Drake on the phone, read his letters or see his face knowing how hard it would be to manage without him. As harsh as it sounds, I’m so glad he respected my wishes. Since the time with Robert, I’ve been using someone or something to take all the pain away instead of figuring out how to do that myself. I knew I would be addicted to his voice, and if I missed a single phone call,I would’ve been back to square one;needle in my arm and high as a fucking kite. Now, when I talk to him, I am happy. I can’t believe I wrote that down. I’M HAPPY!!!

Week Twelve:

Delilah and I have made arrangements to drive back together. She finished with her finals early and told her parents she would be back in time for Thanksgiving. I’m glad she will have a couple of days with us and rather surprised her parents are not throwing more of a stink, considering the fund raiser her mother has every Thanksgiving at their country club.

I was a little shocked to find out Delilah is now engaged to Emerson, too. She’s always talked about how much she loves him and how he fits perfectly into her life, though after seeing her with Jake, I get the feeling she’s trying to convince herself of that. I may be wrong, considering I’ve been out of the loop for awhile, but it’s a thought.

While I sit and wait for her to pick me up and take me back home, I decided this would be a good time to enter my final journal entry at Sunny Ridges. It will be my final entry here because I’m never coming back. I’m done with everything and I’m ready to finally get my life back.

When I talked to Drake yesterday, he could hardly contain himself, knowing in a day I will finally be home. I’m not going to lie, my anxiety level is high and I’m feeling nervous leaving treatment. It’s been a safe haven for me and an easy place to suppress the urges I’ve had to use. Now I’m going back to ground zero of my demons, back to the starting line, only this time, I have to choose a different route.

It’s scary as shit not knowing if the path I chose is the correct path, but I have to try. If I slip up or sink into old habits, I have to reach out to those who love me. I refuse to get lost again.

Dr. Garner found a therapist in Detroit, Dr. Redman, and I will be seeing her once a week. The two hour drive there and back will be a little grueling, but I have to do it. I trust the woman he referred me to, a former colleague of his. She and Dr. Garner have been discussing my treatment plan for the last month and Dr. Redman has accompanied a few of our last sessions via phone. I think I will really like her.

I’ve been strongly encouraged to maintain my medicine when I leave, but I have no intentions of stopping. However, I am concerned of the cost to continue my treatment. Drake has never said, but I know he paid for my time here in Sunny Ridges and I’m sure it was a small fortune. He is really good with his money and works hard to save what he can. Over time, he accumulated a great deal of cash, but with his hours being cut at the plant and taking care of Mia’s needs, I’m not sure there’s not much left.

I mentioned my concerns to Drake when we spoke and he told me not to worry about the money. He would do anything to keep me from going back down that dark road again. I feel uplifted by his words and inspired to make a better life for myself. I’ve been talking with Dr. Garner and Dr. Redman about getting a job or going to community college and they’ve both encouraged me to seek it out as soon I get settled at home.

My suitcase is packed, sitting next to me, as I absorb the fall Memphis air. The low sixties gusts feel perfect against my skin and I soak up every bit of it. Once we get to Michigan, snow and arctic air will be all my skin feels for the next few months.