Trailer Park Princess (16 page)

He simply nods and walks back into the room he came from.
  He comes back a few seconds later, pistol gone and keys in hand. We slowly walk over to the window. He unlocks the glass behind it and hands me the contraption.

“This here, pretty girl, is a remote keyboard or some big wigs call it a MIDI Controller; however, us little folk refer to it as a keytar.” I take it from him, admiring it like a rare jewel. He continues, “This is as good as it gets for this bad boy. It’s a Roland AX-Synth. It has its own synthesis engine and retails at about fifteen grand brand new. It only has about ten hours of play on it, so everything works like new. The guy who brought it in was in a bad way, and I got a great deal on it.”

He looks at me, but I am just mesmerized. All I can say is, “It’s beautiful,” and even that comes out in a whisper. He sees I am interested, and he goes in for the kill.

“I can let it go for about four hundred fifty dollars, but that is my bottom dollar on it. I would really like to get at least six-fifty, but you seem like you have a passion in you.”

He stops and waits me out. I continue to stroke the thing like I’m making love to it. “I play the piano, and this is just so cool to see. I don’t even know if I could play it.” I take the strap and put it over my shoulder, testing how it feels.

“Want me to plug you in and see what you got?” he asks, and I think he has to be joking. I look up, and he is smiling.

“Um…can I? I mean I would love to try.” This is new. I rarely play in front of anyone this intimately, but today, the way I feel, I want to forget. It’s in this moment that I realize I need to start doing some things for me. I need to embrace myself and figure out who I am. It’s always been about Thax, and yes, even Carol to some extent, not that she is much of an issue these days. Soon, it will be about another little person, so from today until I just can’t anymore, I will figure out me. If not for myself, I owe it to my child. I cannot love a child with my whole self if I don’t even know who I am.

The guy has the keytar plugged into an amp now, so I hit a few keys. I play with the buttons and shimmy the strap, wiggling my shoulders to get comfortable. In my periphery, I notice the guy walking over to lock the door. At first, I get a scared feeling, but I notice he leaves the key dangling.

“OK, pretty girl, take your time. I’m actually off the clock, but I have to clean up and do paperwork, so I have another hour or so here. Let me know when you’re done,” he says and walks off.

He must see the pain in my face. He is a nice man, leaving me to pour my pain out in his shop the best and only way I really know how. I play around about ten minutes until I get a good feel for it. It’s weird because I use only one hand on the keys instead of two, but I’ve always been lucky with music and anything to do with music, even when it comes to instruments. I can play many different things; however, the piano is my heart.

My hand runs over the keys, and I press the buttons as I slowly get in the groove. Without even realizing it, I have worked myself into a song and start singing. It’s still pouring outside, and the front lights are off. I stand close to the big window, staring out into the rainy street. The glow from the light of the back room barely covers the left side of my face, and my back is to the counter. I let it all out, leaving it all on the keys. I pour every ounce of my soul into it. The song that fits my mood and me is none other than
Never Going to Dance Again
. I prefer the version by Seether, but the one I play is George Michael’s. I didn’t cheat on Toby. I never would have done that. Just knowing that he left me because that’s what he thought is enough to make me feel guilty. I should have shown him how much I loved him. All those mindless thoughts and secret seconds I admired Rome, those are enough to eat at my soul. I love Rome; I would be lying if I said I don’t. But I am not sure if I could ever be
in
love with him. Toby is, or was, my forever.

This is what I’m talking about. I have no clue who or what I want. There’s no telling what the trash bags around here think now that I’m showing, especially since Toby decided in a rare drunk moment to tell Queen Ashley about my alleged cheating. I’m sure they will assume the baby is Rome’s. Maybe it’s better this way. Toby can live his life, and Rome will be there for me. He is a good friend. He won’t care what others think. He is wired to not care about rumors. Wish I were. Will this heartache ever end?
  I finish the song and turn to see the man has returned and is standing with his arms crossed over his chest and a soft, sad smile on his face. I start removing the strap.

“Pretty girl, seems like that came from the heart. You’re young; don’t let it break ya. There’s a whole lot of life to live out there, and ain’t no yuppie little punk like that young quarterback worth breaking over.”

I just stare at him dumbfounded. “I didn’t tell you who I was. How did you know?”

His smile seems more alive now. “Well, this here is a very small town. You and Mr. West been together a long time, and well, all those snotty old hags at church talk a lot. Hearing the pain in that song, I kinda figured it out. And pretty girl, he ain’t worth it. I have known that family a real long time, and he ain’t the Prince Charming he’s made out to be. I ain’t telling a story that ain’t mine to tell, but I know for a fact he left a young girl broken once upon a time when he decided there was someone new to claim. Changed who she was, and I personally miss her. She has a good soul if she can ever find herself again.” He walks toward the keyed door. “You are welcome to come in anytime, and let me know if you want that keytar. You sounded real good.” He opens the door for me, doing an arm sweep and bow like an old gentleman.

I smile as I pass the keytar to him. “Thank you, sir, and just for the record, I didn’t do what he claimed I did.” Not sure why I felt the need to tell him that, but at least it’s out there.

“No worries, pretty girl. I never thought you did. Welp, let’s go; my ride’s here.”

It’s still raining, and I turn to walk away, hugging close to the building to avoid as much rain as possible.  I notice the car on the curb. The driver is messing with her phone or radio, blonde hair hung down over her face. I walk away, feeling a little lighter. Taking a few steps more, I turn back to say goodbye to the kind man, and I see the driver burning a hole in me. It’s none other than the ice queen herself.  Reality sets in as I recall him saying that Toby had done more than the common eye could see, that he had left a girl broken once and moved on.
OMG!
Ashley is the man’s daughter!
My mind clicks the pieces together. Toby did something horrible to Ashley and left her alone, moving on to someone else. And that someone else would be
ME
.
So much for my lighter feeling.
“FUCKKKKKK!” I scrub my hands down my face, trying to wipe the dripping water from my eyes. I turn and run. My Chucks slap the pavement at full speed. I don’t let up until I am dropping down on my bed in a wet mess.

When the door opens, I do not even have to look up to know it’s Rome. It’s always Rome. Why can’t I just love him like that? He would always take care of me. He already does.

As he walks into my room, I ask, “Rome, could you ever hate me? I mean, if so, it’s OK. Honestly, I hate myself pretty bad lately.”

He picks me up and cradles me to his body. I already know he’s taking me to his bed. He does this when I get upset: he holds me close all night. He places me on the bed and helps me change into warmer clothes. It doesn’t bother me anymore. Rome has seen everything about me…well, almost…at one time or another. He pulls the cover up and slides in beside me.

“I could never hate you, Princess. We’ve been through this over and over.” He combs his hands through my hair.

“I just think you’re putting your life on hold for me. I ruined Toby’s life, and tonight I found out I was the cause of someone else’s pain. I think I know why Ashley hates me now.” I start to cry again. “I mean, I don’t know exactly why, but I get the feeling Toby left her for me. But, I also think there’s more to it than that. I just feel it.

I need some type of release, Rome. I need to figure out how to get this pain out of me before it consumes me.”

He pulls me closer. “Aurora, you are not putting my life on pause. You are the reason I breathe every day. And as for Ashley, you done nothing wrong. That was all Toby. You had and still have no clue. Doesn’t music give you the release you need? I see it in your eyes every time you sing.”

I smile, wipe my eyes, roll over, and wrap my arms around him. “Yeah, it does. I’m OK, Rome.  I just had a bad day. Sorry if I scared you. I tried to call Mando to talk, but she was being wild. I feel like I may be losing her now. I lose everyone I love. I think I just need to rest.” And on cue, I yawn. He tries to say something else, but I stop him. “Did you know a whale’s penis is called a dork?” He bursts out laughing, and I cuddle in and crash
.

The rest of my pregnancy goes pretty normally. I go to the doctor with Rome in tow. He hasn’t missed a single appointment. I found out that he has had one girlfriend since I’ve known him. She got too serious, so he cut her loose, claiming he wasn’t ready to settle down. He’s had a few one-night stands but nothing worth writing home about. It made me feel better to learn he’s had a semi life, but it hurts because he didn’t tell me about it sooner. Like he was ashamed or something. It also hurt because, for some reason, I felt jealous. If he obviously isn’t opposed to sexual activity, why did he refuse me that night? I tried to fool around with him; I wanted him. I remember that much. I feel like such a leech, like I’m draining him. I keep myself busy by working hard, singing at Reds, and preparing for the baby.

We finally had the awkward conversation about the baby’s name. He didn’t say much about it, just smiled and claimed it was beautiful because I picked it. We have gathered supplies for her and gotten a daycare lined up, and all three boys seem to be adjusting well. Life is good right now. I am slowly letting go of Toby, but I’m not there yet. Rome has been amazing to me through everything. I will never be able repay him. As for Amandolette, I was worried over nothing. She ended up calling me the next day and talked my head off for hours about everything in her life, only stopping to cry and tell me how she misses me so much it makes her sick. We have talked every day since then.

I am sitting in the kitchen, drinking a glass of water. Looking around this house, my heart beats a hard, sharp, erratic thud. Everything is beautiful. It’s not a new house. It has its problems, but it’s a house. My house. Our house. It’s everything I ever wanted.  Three huge bedrooms, two living spaces, two bathrooms, and don’t get me started on the kitchen! It has the cutest design. It almost looks like The Diner, actually. All the black and white checkered tiles, red accents everywhere, and white appliances. It’s perfect! I can see myself fixing the boys a great supper in here every night. I reach down and pat my stomach. My little helper is well on her way.

I never saw myself having a family of my own, let alone before I was twenty-one. We may be the weirdest blended family in the world, but we are a family. Rome did a great job finding a place we could afford together. He didn’t want the baby to grow up in the trailer park, and I was grateful when he suggested it because I didn’t want her there either. I still have trouble believing Carol just up and left without a word. I mean, she was never a mother, but she was always the dead weight that moved us all over the place every few months. Who knew me being knocked up would be the thing that ran her off? She cracked me up when she made the comment about how she was not taking care of my kid so I could whore around. I’m pretty sure that has been my roll since the day Thaxton was born. I just never thought she would miss this. Even the smartest of us can be stupid, I guess.

 With all the rooms unpacked and everything in its place, the house has come together nicely. We have only been here a few months, but it feels like forever. I won’t ever leave here. Rome has his room with his huge bed at the back of the house, and I have mine, equipped with my twin bed and a brand new shiny crib from Kmart. It’s the one thing Rome refused to let me buy from a thrift store. He claimed it was due to safety recalls; however, I believe it had more to do with how often I ogled it when we went in to grab the must-haves. It really is beautiful.

Thax houses the third bedroom. Being the oldest boy, he needs his own space, and the two younger boys seem all right with it. Besides, how could they not be? They ended up with the biggest room of us all. We turned the second living space into a room for them. They don’t have a door, but they have a huge open space between their two twin beds and lots of toys between the two of them. They have taken the sheets and made a fort from one bed to the other using the dresser in the center. It’s so cute to watch them light up and know they are safe.

The outside is nothing grand, but I love it just as much as the inside. White chipped paint with a small porch. The whole yard has a busted-up picket fence around it that needs a lot of TLC, and the backyard is just big enough to put a tire swing up. The point is that it has a backyard. One where used needles from the junkie next door will never be found. No broken beer bottles, no cussing baby daddy being busted with his pants down, and no bad guys roaming freely looking for a fresh kill. The kids can play here and be safe.

I need to get up and wake Rome, but I had to make sure before I bothered him. He worked late last night. He works so hard to make sure we can afford all of this. Between my new fulltime position at The Diner and his work at the shop, along with the night singing, we are making decent money. Plus, Mrs. Riaz gives me anything left over or close to expiration to bring home every night. That helps with our grocery spending.

Another sharp pain hits, and I look up at the clock. Yep, they are close now. I put my glass in the sink and make my way back to Rome’s room. I’m not even sure how I am staying so calm. I guess I have rattled on so long about useless facts, I have run my well dry.

I stare at the ceiling while the doctors and nurses talk about whatever it is they chatter about. In the background, I can hear the heart monitor beeping along with the machine to measure my contractions. But all I can picture in my mind is a crazy Rome jumping up and screaming, pulling three boys in three directions, and putting my bag in the car only to leave me standing on the porch as he backed out the driveway. It took him about three minutes before he realized he had left me. He pulled back up and jumped out, yelling and pulling at his hair. I can still see me standing on the porch laughing at him with my head thrown back. I was in such a euphoric mood. I felt like I was starring in a rom com.

I am jerked back to reality when the next contraction hits, and out of nowhere, Rome is at my side, talking to me in an almost-whisper and rubbing small circles on my side.

“Mando just woke up; she will be here shortly,” he says calmly. Thank heavens for winter break! She only has a few days before she heads back out to Cali, but at least she’s still here for this.

The next hour proves to be the hardest. The doctor is looking at me through the bends of my legs stating, “I do believe we have a little girl ready to say hello.” I am just about to refuse because Mando isn’t here yet when two things happen at once. First, the pain rips through me ruthlessly. It hits with such a force I have no choice but to push. The second is the door banging open so fast and hard I’m pretty sure it’s left a hole in the wall behind it.

“I am here; I am here! Let’s have my baby already! What are we waiting for?!” Mando squeals, taking in the scene. “Ha! Rory, I see your coochie, and there is a head in it.”

She claps her hands together and jumps up and down. The nurse tries to push her out the door, and I scream mid-push, “No, she’s the Godmother; she has to be here!” The nurse stops pushing and Mando shakes her off. “And Mando, watch your mouth. If her head is out, she can hear you!” I can barely get it out between pushing and trying to breath, and everyone starts laughing at me for worrying about my baby hearing anything.

 
I have always heard labor is bad, but I can’t even remember it now as I look over my shoulder at Rome holding a tiny bundle swaddled in pink. He is talking softly to her and telling her how he will always keep her safe, and I know he will. It warms my heart.

“OK, OK
, my turn, Romeo. Give me my baby,” Mando demands with her arms stuck out. We’ve had our turn; it’s only fair she is next. She walks over beside me, and Rome snaps a picture.

“You two enjoy her for a minute. I’m going to call Thax to let him and my mini-mes know everything is good.  Need anything, Princess?”

I shake my head no and smile. His smile mirrors mine as he steps outside.

“Hey, Rory, want me to go get the boys and bring them here?”

It is sweet of her to ask, but if everything goes OK, I’ll be going home tomorrow. Everything went smoothly with the delivery, and her Apgar score was high, so there shouldn’t be any reason we would have to stay longer.

“No, but would you do me the biggest favor ever and stay at the house tonight? I really doubt Rome is going to leave her.” As I point towards my baby girl, the door opens. Rome walks in holding his arms out, his smile lighting his path to her.

“Sure, Rory, I can do that for ya,” she answers.

“Give me my baby, Amandolette,” Rome tells her. “And what are you doing for Princess? I can do whatever it is if it needs to be done.”

I kind of love how they all keep calling her
their
baby. This kid will have more love in her life than I ever did.

“Well, Romeo, I just agreed to stay the night with the boys, so you could stay here. But if you’d rather leave, I can stay,” she says, smiling real big. I know she’s just joshing him.

“Hell no! I ain’t leaving here till my girls do!” He drops his tone when Saige jumps in his arms from the noise. He starts cooing over her, and she immediately calms back down. “And stop calling me Romeo, you crazy Mexican.”

The Riaz’s stop by, bringing gifts, as well as Mando’s eager grandmother. She made me a hand-crocheted blanket for the baby, and it is perfect. After their short visit, we are finally alone. Outside of a few visits from the nurse, the night goes smoothly. I wake up a few times when I hear Saige whimpering, but Rome has her snuggled up and tended to.

“You OK?” I ask him. He did not even realized I was awake.

“Yeah, Princess, we’re good.” He is still smiling so big; his face has to hurt. “Go back to sleep; I got her. She’s changed and fed. I think she is just checking it all out now.” He holds the pacifier in her mouth while barely bouncing her. I snuggle up under the covers and almost doze off until I realize that, come eight a.m., I will be filling out the forms for her birth certificate. I don’t even know if I want to put Toby on it at this point.