Trust Me (21 page)

Tears rimming my lashes, his words still clinging around my head. “Chad…” I choked. He took my hand in his, entwining our fingers as he held my hands above my head.

“Take what you want from me Carrie.” His eyes were pleading, demanding more than he was saying. This looked a hell of a lot like forever.

I laughed nervously. I was terrified of being held like this but I couldn’t even imagine making him stop. “I wouldn’t know where to begin.”

He took my hand in his from above my head and placed it over his left peck. The feel of his skin sent chills over my own flesh. He was lean but cut, every muscle carved perfectly like the body of a swimmer. His hair was down and somewhat tangled from my fingers. Now though, I was focused on where he was going with this.

“Just touch me baby. Your touch ignites me Carrie, gets me so fucking hard.”

I did as he asked and let my hand drift over his perfect chest, my other hand making a statement of its own and starting low against his abs. I watched him roll his neck back and sigh as I slid my hands against my most favorite part of his body. There was this V pattern just below his hips that came to a point right above his now pumping erection, an erection that I wanted to touch and realized I could. So could many others too; always another woman ready and waiting for me to fail him. His point hit home right then. He was here now, he didn’t fail in choosing me. How would I ever let him know that it was a miracle what he was doing to me?

“You’re in control here Carrie. I may be fucking you baby but you have the control.”

I flew apart at his words. “I have never had control!” I cry out gasping for air and more.

He stopped thrusting leaving me on the precipice of a black out orgasm. “You will always have it with me baby. You say stop and I stop. You say fuck me and I will. I will always bend to your needs but you never fear me Carrie.” He slipped back in before I could answer.

“Do you understand Carrie?” He demanded through clenched teeth.

“Yes!”

He lost his restraint and pounded against me. “You never walk away like that again!” He pleads and explodes.

I know he will never know, but right now I wish I could tell him just how deep I am in. He is my exception but he is also the rule. I swore no man would ever touch me again. Then the time came when I was ready to meet someone and I decided that it would be on my terms. Chad Blake blew my plans clear the hell out of the water.

“I’m sorry I don’t know what I’m doing?” I cry feeling shamed by my lack of experience in the emotional that is completely fucking up the physical.

He snapped his head up from the crook of my neck and looked at me with half lidded black eyes and spoke with a lust driven plea. “God Baby just talk to me. I can’t stand seeing that fear in you Carrie. The way it morphed into something even scarier.”

Oh. So he noticed that?

“Talk to me baby?” He asked and still inside me he brought us both to the floor, me on his lap my legs splayed over his thighs as he crouched before me on his knees. My back to the door I rested my head between his pecs and sigh.

“I didn’t think I would be okay like that, restrained. At first I was upset because I thought it was about sex and you fooled me. Then when you came at me I didn’t panic. My lack of fear scared me. The harder you got it did the opposite and turned me on more.”

I was all out crying now and I absolutely hated my brother right then. Noah had been right; I was nowhere ready for a relationship with Chad.

From every one thing we're ignorant of
A thousand more things beat the maze, yeah
You saw the apple hanging on the tree
But missed the orchard in your gaze

Incubus

Chapter Thirteen

Chad brought me home after our epic fail at intimacy. He had been nervous and jittery since leaving and I felt like I had failed him. I didn’t know how to tell him that I loved what he did to me, how he made me feel. I hated knowing that the rougher and dirtier he got the harder I fell.

“I have a few things I need to do before I come back.” Chad said as he pulled into our drive and slipped the truck in park.

“You’re coming back?” I loved the thought but I couldn’t figure out why he wanted to come back for more torture.

“Of course I am baby.” I sighed and he turned the engine off. He turned to me and put my hands in his. “Carrie I need you to feel safe with me, to want what I do to you. This is just as new to you as it is me.”

I laugh at that because no, not even close. “You never had wild and crazy sex before?” I never expected him to answer me as honestly as he did.

“No baby, wild and crazy is my thing. I fucking love that you want me that way. What’s new to me and you both is fucking while your dad’s in the room. That I’m not used to and I don’t think he’s going anywhere until you come clean with it all to me.”

He was a bull in a china shop the way he blurted shit.

“You want the gory details and that’s not something I can do.” I run my fingers through my hair for the millionth time tonight and want to scream. He was right but I wasn’t fessing up.

He looked sad, like I had broken some vision of me being perfect. It sucked but he was falling for an illusion of me and he needed the true vision. I was so fucked up.

So fucked up.

“I have made myself clear Carrie. In the last thirty-six hours I kissed you for the first time, touched you for the first time, been mad at you for the first time, confessed my fucking love for you and learned you were abused so give me some credit here!”

My hand on the door I looked at him just as pissed off as he was. “Abused? Oh baby not even close. That is too friendly a word. I was raped Chad, not once, not a dozen times but fucking thousands of times!” I opened the door after yelling that little bomb but he grabbed my arm.

“Stop it!”

“No!”

“God … for the love of God… Stop, please Carrie.” It was a plea and hearing him like that turned my stomach with guilt. I was pushing him and I hated that I was doing it. “Please don’t do this. Don’t end this on a bad note because you’re scared.”

“I’m not scared Chad. I’m right.” He shook his head no and we were stuck at an impasse.

“Carrie listen, I have been with a lot of women. I have tied them, gagged them spanked them if they asked. Most of them are into that shit because of some man done wrong; maybe not to your extreme but wronged just the same. Just because you liked me being controlling doesn’t mean you want me controlling your life baby. It just means you like me controlling that sexy little body of yours.”

He was calm and gentle and I could see the love in his eyes and I wanted to tell him to stop! Don’t waste your love one me. I was greedy though and I needed his love like a dying man needs breath. “Maybe but we are a long way from me accepting it.” I opened the door and he caught my hand before I fully jumped down. I was leaning into his truck now with just our fingers laced.

“I’ll get you there baby.”

I nod and he smiles. I know we are ok for now and I will take it like the greedy fool I am. “I’ll call you when I’m on my way back over. I have a few things to sort out before gramps gets home.” I nod and shut the door. He hasn’t left yet and I know he won’t until he sees me in the house safe.

He needed to run his errands and I felt bad for making him bring me home tonight, forcing him to run his errands now so that Harvey was set and Chad could come back and stay with me. I wish I could have stayed but I need Noah right now. I am on a ledge about to fall into that awful darkness and he is the only person who has ever been able to get me out of the dark. Noah would rip me out and fight at my side until I saw the light. He would never leave me here alone and scared.

*

“Noah?” I yelled scared to death he would be high in the bathroom. I slowly made my way to the stairs but saw him sitting at the table with a bottle of Skyy Vodka in front of him. “Bubba?” I asked in case he had drunkenly passed out. I needed to see his face to know if he was ok.

He must have just cracked the bottle because he looked like himself. “Hey what’s up?”

“Why didn’t you answer?” I asked and took a seat at the table beside him, playing with the thin black hair tie I had kept on my wrist all day.

He set his cell phone down and poured a shot. “Reading a message from Candy.” He sounded sad and suddenly my sexual hang ups seemed less important. Had I been anyone else it would be weird to talk to my brother about most the shit we talked about. Considering we ran out of hell hand in hand it made sense that he be my safe place. Only thing wrong now was that Chad wanted to be my safe place too.

I placed my hand on his wrist to get his attention. “You guys ok?”

He shook his head no and sighed, pouring another shot. My brother is a beautiful man, his blonde hair messy in the most perfect way. His blue eyes always full of excitement and a smile that had made the girls swoon, even when his lips were swollen and cracked from dads punishments, Noah knew how to shine and he did it often. “Probably not.” He looked at me then and I could see the absolute sadness he was trying to hide. Fool, he knew I could read him. “I fucked up Sissy.”

He sounded hellish and that scared me. Noah had been through enough in his life that not much got him down. I knew he was hurting which meant Cans was too but I found his broken heart endearing.

“Tell me.” I say and don’t push because I know he will. He hands me his phone and directs me to the messages.

Noah’s message was first.

Talked to Carrie did ya?

And???

Why not talk to me?

You were clearly busy

Not if I knew what you felt… I didn’t know…

How was I not clear enough?

I TOLD YOU I LOVE YOU AND YOU SENT ME AN LOL!!!!!!!!

I look to Noah then and I can’t believe it. “You love her too?” I ask completely floored by the events of the last two days.

“Keep reading it gets worse.” He slams another shot as I read on.

Well that’s what happens when you tell a girl you love her over a fucking text message!

“I said I was sorry and she told me to fuck off!” Noah defends himself because apparently I am too slow a reader. “So I buried myself in every fucking girl I could over the last three weeks trying to forget her. Then yesterday I sent her a message telling her to meet me at the show if she wanted to talk. She showed I thought we were cool.”

Knowing he was beyond me reading his messages at this point I set his phone down. “So what happened between then and now?” I hadn’t talked to Candy today and wondered if this all just exploded before I walked in.

“Right after you and Chad cheesed us all out with that dare me bullshit I asked her to ride with me to the party. She said she wanted thinking time so she would catch a ride there.” He looks at me then with pleading eyes and I know he fucked up something by the look he is giving me. “I didn’t know she was planning a special night. I texted her after I waited forever and she said she was busy and she would call me later if she had the time to show up.” He is shaking his head no and I get annoyed when he goes all ADHD on me.

“Focus Noah.” I say calm as I can.

“I was mad as hell that she was blowing me off again. So I grabbed some chick that had been after my dick for over a year. Candy walked in right after I went down on the chick and I didn’t know she was there until you told me.” He poured another shot and slams it back. I take the bottle of Skyy and move it to my side because he is done with the shots and the boobing.

“What happened after you sent the last message?” I ask and I don’t even know if he knows. He hands me his phone after thumbing through it and grimaces when he finds what he was looking for. It’s another text, the final text from Candy.

Look outside by the bay.

I take his phone with me and go to look toward the bay and my jaw drops when I see what Candy did for my smelly ass faced brother. Candy had something in common with Noah that very few people knew from home. She was a hell of an artist it was her passion. She had taken the ‘I love you message’ from my brother and painted the screen of his phone. One line read their messages from the’ I love you’ to her response that never came. She called it ‘I should have told you…’ and her message was clear, she loved him too. The painting was spectacularly Noah. It was basic and artsy and to the point still holding an abundance of depth. It was personal and made for him.

I stepped outside and drew in close to get a good look at the gift she gave him. Beneath her ‘I should have told you love you too’ response was a p.s message that broke my heart.

Ps I’m sure glad I didn’t.

Suddenly my fears with Chad were weak at best.

“What do I do Sissy?” He asks and Noah is the one with answers, I’m the weak one; but I know my brother and I know my bestie.

“I sat with her last night Noah, for a while and I had no Idea she did this. I know she is hurting and until last night I didn’t know she loved you or that you were even close to such a tender emotion. Honestly I need to process this because I didn’t see it coming.” I look back outside to the painting and decide to go and bring it in because rain is near constant and I wasn’t going to ruin her message. Noah needed to see his fuck up loud and clear.

“I do love her and I know I fucked up and ruined it, but I swear all I wanted was to ease that burn.” I knew what he meant and nodded.

Didn’t make it right.

He scrubs his face with his hands and takes a deep breath. “What about you? How was the Pier with God’s gift to women?” I know he’s joking but it hits close to home after his ‘I could be with any woman’ comment.

He sees me shudder at his joke and stops smiling. “It was a joke Sissy.”

I sigh now and pour my own shot of Vodka. I decided that filtering through this conversation was not going to work. Taking Chad’s gentleness I blurt it out. “I slept with Chad tonight!”

His jaw drops and even though I know he knew it would happen, he can’t hide the shock at my confession. So I kept going.