Trust Me (16 page)

“And what, you assume I’m stupid enough to roll over and fuck him because he sang to me? Let’s not forget I have been fucked more times and more ways than probably any of the fangirls here. Hell, I could probably give them pointers! Do you think I’m that shallow or easy, because that’s what you’re implying!” I was outright yelling, not caring that we had long ago caused a scene and the crowd that had collected was giving us their undivided attention.

“Oh, how fucking dare you, Caroline Jane?” He roared, his voice cracking.

“Do.Not.Call.Me.That!”

“I will when the need arises and clearly you have lost your fucking mind to say something like that to me. You act like my memories are all snips and snails and skateboards on rails. You are so god damned stupid to say that to me.” He slapped his hand on his chest to emphasize his words.

“Well then, which is it, Noah? I’m either stupid or I’m a whore. I’ve been both at one time or another, so pick one and leave me alone!”

“You’re neither, and that’s the point, Carrie. You do not belong here. Only stupid women think they belong here and all the women here are whores!”

I looked around stunned, seeing the crowd for the first time. The saddest part was the fact that the women watching this fight didn’t seem at all offended by what Noah said. They were fine being degraded and called whores, because eventually it would lead them to the prize, and that prize was one of the guys at this party throwing them a bone for the night. “You’re right Noah, I am neither. And the fact remains that my boyfriend is here, and I will be leaving with him.”

He shrugged his shoulders while eyeing me up and down. “Then I guess I was wrong. You do belong here!”

I slapped him across the face and spun on my heels and slammed into the hard, comforting chest of my very,
very
pissed off boyfriend. Chad went to release me and I knew he was going after Noah. “Don’t, Chad, just don’t. Take me home, please.” And with that, I left, turning my back on my brother for the first time in my life.

*

I paced the floor of the boathouse wondering if I should have even come here. I didn’t want within a mile of Noah. That realization alone was capable of tearing me in two. Chad sat on the couch, elbows on his knees and his hands between his legs as his head hung low. We had not said a word since leaving the party. I wondered if he heard the entire fight or just the end, but looking at him now, I knew he’d heard enough.

“I feel like I should say sorry.” I mumbled the words rather hysterically as I continued pacing.

For the first time since we left the party he raised his head and looked at me. “Sorry?” He scoffed and shook his head standing and walking toward the sink. “What for?” He wasn’t looking at me. He began opening cupboards until he found the bottle of whiskey that our uncle keeps for the weekends he goes fishing. Chad wasted no time in pouring three fingers of cheap Old Crow and tossing it back as if it didn’t burn like a son of a bitch.

I had a passing thought of how bad I’d have felt had there been nothing to drink. I stop pacing when I reach the small folding table where Chad is now sitting. “I guess it depends on how much you heard.”

Chad nodded and poured another round of the whiskey, only sipping this time. “All of it. I saw him pull you out when he saw how freaked you were. I saw it too, but figured I’d just follow him and make sure you were ok.”

Oh God he heard it all? Why couldn’t I have a guardian angel watching out for me, creating some magical intervention that would’ve kept Chad Blake from following us outside?

“Well, I’m sorry for a shit ton of things then.” I poured my own glass of Old Crow and drank it down in big gulps, my mouth burning as if I’d poured gasoline down my throat. Chad smiled at the face I made and the gasp/gagging that follows.

“Don’t gulp whiskey, baby. You sip it or shoot it, but never gulp it.”

“Well I’m not too experienced in the drinking field.”

He smirked, but not happily. He looked devastated, but I just wish I knew what part of the nightmare bugged him most. “Well, that’s something I guess.” He said and like a really bad nightmare you barely remember, my words from earlier come back with astounding clarity.

‘And what, you assume I’m stupid enough to roll over and fuck him because
he sang to me? Let’s not forget I have been fucked more times and more ways than probably any of the fangirls here. Hell, I could probably give them pointers! Do you think I’m that shallow or easy, because that’s what you’re implying!’

Jesus Christ, how do I explain this?

“Would you have rolled over and fucked me for that serenade?” His voice was distant and cold. All I want is my fun and sweet, happy Chad back.

“Chad, I didn’t mean it like that. I was making a point to Noah that I’m not as clueless as he thinks I am.” I groaned. Christ, that almost sounded worse.

“So, what? You think I serenade every girl I meet? That or I thought maybe it would be a guaranteed way into those sweet panties of yours?” He stood to get away from me but he didn’t stop talking. Pushing his hands through his hair he rolled his head back and spoke to the ceiling. “Regardless of what you think of me in this minute, Carrie, Noah is fully fucking aware of how deep I’m into you. He knows that I don’t know the names of probably ninety percent of the women I fuck, but that your name is the sweetest word to ever leave my lips. He absolutely knows that I have never given a serenade.” He looked at me then and all I saw was plain old disappointment. “And I can damn well guaran-fuckin-tee you both that I never will again.”

I am not willing to let Chad Blake hurt because of me, nor am I willing to watch him leave without letting me explain. How I am feeling in this moment is so very telling to how deep I am into him. “I will never be a fangirl Chad and seeing them there tonight it scared me. Noah was trying to prove a point by being a dick-face and I was trying to be aloof and cool about you and I. No! I wouldn’t roll over because of a serenade but that doesn’t mean I don’t crave you all the same. I loved that serenade because it was mine. It’s that simple!”

He just nods and closes his eyes like he’s looking for patience. I hate that look and I hate that I put it there. “There are so many things wrong with that display between you and Noah that I can’t even begin to understand. Part of me wants to leave and not look back.” He pauses and my heart stops because I don’t want that. He shakes his head no, as if battling his own mind before looking at me. “The other part begs me not to leave your side.”

“Listen to that side Chad. Please don’t leave me.” I sound small and sad and scared and I haven’t sounded that way in years. I swore I would never sound like that again but I hadn’t met Chad Blake yet, hadn’t been turned upside down by him.

“I know that you and Noah have a horrible past Carrie and I wish like hell you would trust me and tell me. I can see it, everyone can. You guys move in sync with each other. You talk in code with fucking trust, or trust me’s and
Alice In Chains
music holds some major fucking value to both your lives. I want to know why Carrie.” He drops his hands to the sink and grips the basin his head falling, shoulders slumping. “I have to know because it scares me and pisses me off at the same time.”

I feel like I want to vomit at his request but also I feel immense relief that he is giving me that chance to tell him before he goes looking for my secrets. “Chad I am not against telling you because of some difficulty it may cause me or because I feel shamed or scared.” I take a deep breath and get as honest as I can without draining my soul entirely. “I have these holes inside of me that I dug to keep myself sane. Noah has holes too and we are all that can fill those holes with something other than cold and hate. Our pasts are not equal in torture they are only similar because of the torturer.”

I walk to him now because I need to see his face I need to see that he understands what I am saying without saying it directly. “I don’t tell these secrets because there isn’t a point to them. My past is ugly and depressing and a lifetime ago I care to forget. I cannot stomach seeing a look on your face,” I cup his cheek as tears fall from my eyes. We are so close now our chests touch and I can feel his breath on my face. The smell of mint and whiskey makes me feel safe and I want to curl into him and sleep. “I don’t ever want to see you sad for me Chad.”

He coughs and I think he may be choked up but Chad is one of those guys who would rather die than show such an intense emotion. He cups my face in his hands and kisses my forehead. “Baby I’m pretty sure I have your secrets figured out already. I could never look at you with anything less than desire and… fuck Carrie…I...”

He doesn’t say anymore and my heart flutters in my chest because I think he was going to say love. I know I’m ahead of myself but it’s what I see when I look at him now.

He pulls me close and holds me tight to his chest. “I’m going to ask and all you need to say is a yes or a no, but I have to know baby because Noah told us he’s out here and sniffing around. I can’t keep you safe from what I don’t know.”

I wait for him to ask wanting to tell him that there is no safe. I can barely breathe because I know he will be right, that his assumptions will be right on the money. He wouldn’t be so… this way… if he didn’t.

“You mentioned your sexual experience in your fight with Noah. You implied you had been around the block a lot.”

I say nothing but only grip him to me tighter.

“He is your sexual experience isn’t he baby? Your dad is the block you’ve been around a lot?” I stiffen in his arms and choke on a sob I refuse to let free, but my body defies me and I break down burying my face in his chest.

Chad says nothing and just holds me, soothing me as he strokes a hand down my back and cradles the back of my head to his chest. He kisses me on the top of my head a few times, whispering a soft
sshhh
here and there before curling me into his neck.

“Don’t have to say it baby… that’s a yes…” He whispers in my ear and all I can do is nod in agreement.

Hot as a fever, rattling bones

I could just taste it, taste it

If it’s not forever, if it’s just tonight

Oh it’s still the greatest, the greatest, the greatest

Kings of Leon

Chapter Ten

“You two pieces of shit are worthless you know that?” His voice is like acid the way it burns me to hear him. Noah cringes the same as I do but he keeps quiet. I don’t know if it’s because his lips are busted and swollen but he stays quiet and I am thankful.

He grabs me by my hair and drags me from my safety with Noah. I don’t know why I am so scared this time. I have been there done that with him so many times that I find this place in my mind where I close up and drift to keep from remembering the things he will no doubt force me to do.

Maybe its Noah’s whimpers that terrify me, perhaps it’s because he has been more rough with me lately. Either way I am scared to death to leave Noah’s side. I follow my father into his room but I catch a final glimpse at Noah and he mouths ‘trust me’ through battered and bruised lips.

Our school days are long gone and we school from home now. I think about how next year I would have been in high school, with proms and school spirit and drivers ed. Those are the things that I dream about. I can hear the ringing of his belt in the distance but my mind has already sent me adrift.

I won’t think of proms today. I won’t think of dates or boys or love songs because I learned long ago, even thinking of things I want when he is inside of me will kill any future dreams or hopes. So I think of Drivers Ed and wishing I had a car, a red one that was fast and could take me and Bubba far away.

He pulls free of my body and pushes me roughly to my stomach, smashing my face in the pillow before entering me painfully from behind. I hate this way I am so scared because I can’t see him or know what’s coming. I can’t drift in this position because panic starts to assail me. He pushes me into the mattress harder, but pulls free on a curse, his watch catching in my hair, taking a chunk of my long blonde strands with him.

I hear his belt again and I foolishly wonder if he is done when he grips me by my hair and pulls me back until I am crouched on my knees before him. He wraps my hands around the swollen part of him before he loops the belt repeatedly around my hands holding him. When the belt is tight and I can’t move my hands from off of him he pulls my hair and hisses in my ear.

“Now fight me princess. Make me come while you try and get free of me.”

I awake with a gasp and realize instantly it was a memory. I am sticky with sweat and my sheets are wrapped around me, clearly I was fighting in my sleep. I climb from the bed and look around for Chad. He isn’t anywhere but I see his black combat looking boots and his wallet and keys are still on the counter so he can’t be far. I splash water on my face but stop when I hear low voices coming from the front of the boathouse.

I go to the window and peek out recognizing Noah’s voice instantly and hearing Chad’s a few seconds later. I am so not above eavesdropping when it comes to the dominant men in my life fighting about me.

“You make it sound like I’m looking for an easy lay and then dissing her in a text or some shit.” Chad practically hisses and I know he wants to yell at Noah but wont because they know the window is open and I’m sleeping just beyond it.

Or was sleeping. Now I am in full on creeper mode.

“Like you have such a kick ass track record.” Noah responds snidely and I can hear him take a drag from a cigarette. Noah only smokes when his backs against the wall. That means I have a huge apology coming my way from him.

“Who cares?” Chad demands his voice getting angrier by the heartbeat. “I haven’t tried to hide my shit from her. She knows I like fucking, she knows I can get pussy any time day or night. She knows all my shit bro and I’m still lucky enough to call her mine. I am not about to fuck it all up.” I didn’t know what he meant by fucking it all up. I was the one hiding secrets.