Truth Undressed (Exposed Series, #3) (4 page)

And there’s no harm in experimenting even if you aren’t in a hurry
to get married. Personally, I have always believed in the strategy made famous
by Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn which is basically long term dating.

This strategy appeals to me because neither partner can become
too dependent which helps both parties remain desirable to each other. Plus,
because either person is free to walk away at any moment, both people have to
continue making an effort.

Perhaps I’ve just been ruined by all the complacent couples that
have walked through my door. Or maybe I’m just a realist.

One could argue that I never got married because long term
commitments in general obstruct my chi. But really, I think it comes down to the
fact that I have an aversion to inflated expectations.

For instance, nothing makes me sadder than when someone calls
their wedding day
the happiest day of their life
. That is truly the most
shortsighted life view I’ve ever heard. Surely, the happiest day of your life
is much later. Like sometime in your eighties when you’re surrounded by your
grandchildren, and you have enough health left to enjoy a day of hot dog eating
and beer drinking.

Now that is a beautiful thing.

But if the happiest day of your life is one where you spend
thousands of dollars wining and dining other people to prove how much you love
someone, then you need to get a grip. Because love is private, and it is the
private moments that mean the most.

Then again, maybe I’m totally wrong. Maybe I'm just bitter
because it never happened to me. But I do think that too many women stop trying
after their wedding day. They think that everything will work out after that
because they’ve only got one more tick box left (bearing children).

But the truth is, when you stop trying, you start dying. So try
for whatever it is that you want and when you get it, try for something else.

And by all means, get naked often. Because it is when we are
naked that we are at our most authentic.

Lover #1:
The Selfish Lover

For many women, the selfish- or dare I say lousy- lover is the
first we ever have. And for too many of us, he is not only the first but the
second, third, fourth, etc.

He’s the guy who thinks you’ve had sex even though he's basically
just come in his pants. Afterwards, he lays back feeling satisfied and takes a
nap. I wish I could call that an extreme example, but it’s not.

Anyway, the only explanation for this is that men’s sexual parts
are more straightforward at a young age. Which isn't to say they've learned any
sexual self-control. It’s like they’re tall enough to see over the steering
wheel, but they don’t really have a license to drive yet. They can get
themselves from A to B, but it’s not always an enjoyable trip for others.

Obviously, sex with a selfish lover doesn’t take very long.
There is usually no foreplay or mutual sexual satisfaction to speak of.
Sometimes the sex is about as enjoyable as laying on a waterbed and staring at
the ceiling while someone jumps on the bed next to you. In other words, it’s always
over quickly, but that’s okay with you because you spent the whole time
wondering
is this it?

My first French kiss was a lot like that actually. The boy stuck
his tongue in my mouth and then moved his tongue as if it were a helicopter taking
off. I couldn’t wait for it to be over. And once I finally thought of an excuse
to leave, I spent the rest of the day absolutely convinced that something had
gone wrong. Because if kissing was always supposed to be that unpleasant,
people wouldn’t do it in the movies to climactic music.

Of course, chances are I was a lame kisser myself and partly to
blame.

But that is exactly why hooking up with a selfish, inexperienced
lover is important when you’re new to sex. Because it leaves you wanting more,
and forces you to hope that there are better lovers out there. Which there are.

So don't worry. You’re enjoyment of your future lovers will only
be increased when you’ve discover how poorly sex can be executed at the hands
of an impatient man-boy.

The other reason these lovers (or lover if you’re lucky) are
important is because they remind you of the joys of masturbation. Which is a
great way to stave off your carnal cravings and spare you from more pathetic
lovers. After all, masturbation not only ends in sexual satisfaction, but it is
always safe and often educational.

Plus it gives you a magnetic glow and a tangible confidence.
Seriously, forget fancy cream and designer haircuts. Just fuck yourself before
you go out, and you can get all that
je ne sais quoi
for free.

The point is, below average lovers are part of growing up. The
takeaway lesson here is that it’s okay- wise even- to try and minimize your
contact with them as much as possible.

But whatever you do, don’t give up hope. Because things will get
better.

Annie’s parents were at some country club thing so they weren’t
home. I guess when her dad isn’t sneaking weed with college buddies, they are
polite members of society. But they always came across as a bit false to me. Like
they would gossip about how snobby and obnoxious everyone at the country club
was, but then they would go make a fat public donation.

I think Annie felt like all the adults in her neighborhood were
the same way. Personally, I think it’s one of the reasons she’s so cynical. Even
though we’re all a little bit two faced when it comes down to it. I mean, shit.
Apparently I’ve been playing the role of someone else’s kid my whole life. I
wish
my biggest problem was pretending to like the people at my country club.

“Let’s get high already,” I said as I raided her parents’ drink
cabinet.

“Ready when you are,” she said, pulling the biggest blunt I’d
ever seen outside a music video from her sweatshirt pocket.

“Whoa. Did you roll that yourself?”

“I wish.”

“Rob?”

She nodded. “He gave it to me earlier cause I’m not feeling great
today.”

“You don’t have to tell me,” I said. After all, I wasn’t going
to tell her about my morning. What would she even say?
Sorry?! That’s fucked
up
?!

“I know. Jesus, Kate. I didn’t mean to-”

“It’s okay, really,” I said. Because it was. Because that’s why
I was here. Because Annie was never chipper and she never threw happiness in my
face. She never spouted positive-thinking-pick-your-chin-up-count-your-blessings
bullshit. When I was in the mood to be bitter, she was the best person on Earth
to be with.

The only difference was that I didn’t want to be bitter forever.
I wanted to bookend my bitterness with periods of general satisfaction as best
I could. But Annie wasn’t interested in looking for silver linings. She was a
glass half empty kind of girl and nothing was going to change that.

“It’s not. I shouldn’t even have mentioned it considering what
you must be going through.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Let’s go outside and spark this up. I’m a little nauseous.”

“Nauseous? You sure you’re okay?”

“No,” she said, holding the backdoor open for me. “Is anybody?”

Once we sat down she moved the lighter back and forth under the
blunt. I didn’t know if she’d done it before or if she’d just seen Rob do it, but
when she lit the end, it smelled sweet. Much better than a joint. And with any
luck it would smell better clinging to the clothes I’d be wearing home, too.

“How much weed is in there?” I asked.

“Bowls and bowls, I think,” she said, inhaling and passing it my
way. “We don’t have to smoke it all at once. We can chill on it half way and
save it for later.”

I dragged lightly on the end and the warm smoke filled my lungs.
By the second drag my belly full of pasta and pie didn’t hurt anymore. “Did you
stay at his place last night?” I asked without exhaling.

“Yeah,” she said.

“And your parents don’t care?”

“I said I was at yours. That you didn’t want to be alone under
the circumstances.”

“Thanks for letting me know.”

“Even though we both know your Mom hates me and would rather die
than tolerate me for an entire night.

 “That’s not true.” Actually, my real Mom would’ve loved Annie.
Too bad they’ll never have a chance to get to know each other.

“C’mon, Kate. I’m not an idiot.”

“She doesn’t hate you,” I said. “She hates that you’re a
smoker.”

“Ahh.”

“She hates all smokers. You shouldn’t take it personally.”

“Oh good. I feel loads better now that I know she just hates me
for who I am.”

“That’s not really who you are though.”

She shrugged.

“Thanks for dropping off the vodka earlier,” I said. “You’re a
lifesaver.”

“Thank Rob. He’s the one that can buy alcohol in the morning.”

“Right.” Annie’s ID only worked when her tits were out late at
night. And even then only in a few select liquor stores. “Will do. He’s cute by
the way.”

“Of course he’s cute,” she said, “but he’s trouble, too.”

“Trouble?”

“I don’t mean that. That’s unfair. I’m just a little annoyed with
him today.”

“Lovers quarrel?”

“No. It’s just partly his fault I don’t feel well.”

“Late night?”

“Among other things.”

“What’s going on with you?” I asked. “You know you can tell me.
Actually- as a friend- it's practically your duty to distract me from the fact
that my favorite family member just died.”

She looked back and forth between my eyes. She was so pale even
her freckles looked pale.

“You look like shit.”

“I feel like it.”

“Is there anything I can do?”

“Probably not.”

“Try me.”

She looked at me again out of the corner of her eye. “Have you
ever taken the morning after pill?”

“The morning after pill?”

“Yeah.”

“No.”

“So you can’t help me then.”

“Jesus, Annie. Is that why you feel like crap?”

She nodded. “Rob took me to get it this morning. That’s why he
gave me the blunt and everything.”

Fuck me. “Have you considered going on the pill?” I asked. “I know
a place where they’ll give it to you for really cheap. I can take you there anytime
you want.”

“Yeah?”

I nodded.

“I think I better take you up on that because I don’t want to do
this again.”

“Again?”

“You think I’m a fuck up.”

“I don’t. Seriously. I mean, a fuck up wouldn’t have gone to get
the morning after pill.”

She shrugged. “Maybe.”

“How many times have you-”

“This isn’t exactly the first.”

“What?”

“Promise me you won’t tell.”

“I promise.”

“Like even if you’re tortured or wasted or something happens and
we aren’t friends anymore.”

“Jesus. Okay. What is it? I promise.”

“I got pregnant sophomore year.”

I didn’t even know people were having sex then.

“Before we were friends.”

I didn’t know what to say so I just nodded and tried not to look
shocked and stoned.

“Obviously I got an abortion.”

“Shit.”

“Which- to be honest- was way worse than taking this stupid
pill.”

“I bet.”

“It was awful, Kate. I was depressed for months. Like I’ve never
been the same, ya know?”

“I’m not surprised. That’s pretty intense.”

“I didn’t have a choice though. I would’ve been kicked out of
school. It would have fucked up my whole future. I mean, look at me. I’m in no
position to be responsible for another human being.”

“Yeah.”

“But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m a baby killer.”

I flinched. “You’re not a baby killer.”

“But I am though. Literally.”

“Your parents know?”

“Unfortunately. But I wish I hadn’t told them because I swear my
Mom still looks at me sometimes, Kate, and I don’t know. It’s like her
expression is just full of disgust, ya know? I honestly think if it wouldn’t
make her look bad, she’d kick me out.”

“And your dad?”

“He’s easier. He just pretends it never happened. Same as me.
The only reason I told them was because I was worried that any doctor I could
afford to have do it would fuck up my insides, and I'd be traumatized.”

“Well that was the right thing to do.”

“I actually asked my Mom then about going on the pill.”