Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Wonderful World of Odd (47 page)

Answers:
1–G, 2–C, 3–N, 4–B, 5–H, 6–D, 7–I, 8–A, 9–L, 10–J, 11–F, 12–M, 13–E, 14–K, 15–P, 16–O, 17–Q

First it was a bunch of kingdoms, then one large country, then two countries, now one big country again…united in weirdness.

W
HAT’S THAT JELLY-LIKE SUBSTANCE?

On a road outside Leipzig in 2006, hikers spotted something weird: a “flabby red, orange, and green” jelly. They called authorities, who shut down traffic and brought in scientists in anti-contamination suits to investigate the goo, fearing it might be toxic waste. However, the mystery was solved before the jelly could be tested. A policeman learned that a wedding reception had taken place in the area a few days earlier. The party had gotten out of control and ended in a jelly fight. So what was the jelly-like substance? Jelly.

In 1990, a German terrorist group called the Red Army Faction sent a letter to the federal prosecutor’s office to claim responsibility for the assassination of agriculture minister Ignaz Kiechle at his 60th birthday party. One problem: Kiechle’s party wasn’t scheduled until March 3, and the letter arrived on March 2. Realizing their mistake, the Red Army Faction immediately sent another letter, saying that the assassination attempt was cancelled due to a “mistake in coordination.”

Men refusing to help with housework has probably contributed to many divorces around the world. But in 1982, a woman from Luebben split from her husband because he did
too much
housework. She testified in court that for the first few years of their marriage her husband was “a dream” because he did all the cooking, cleaning, and shopping. He even washed the windows and took care of their baby perfectly. But the woman suddenly became despondent when she realized that she had nothing to do, which made her feel inferior. Apparently it was enough to convince the judge, who granted the divorce.

On the Aasee Lake in Muenster, a black swan has fallen in love with a black plastic paddleboat shaped like a swan. Biologists say the (real) swan is displaying all the signs of the desire to mate: circling the boat, staring at it, and cooing at it. Tourists and locals alike have become reluctant to use the paddleboat. “When I sail too close to it, the black bird puffs up its feathers and hoots at me,” said one resident.

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Wanted:
Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Bill’s Septic Cleaning.
“We haul American made products.”

Do Plants Think?
Test yours with new bio-meter portable lie detector. Works on people, too!

Bar-sliced bologna
regular or tasty save 30¢ on 2.

Now is your chance
to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Get rid of aunts:
Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Ground beast:
99¢/lb.

Vacation Special:
Have your home exterminated.

Toaster:
A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

No matter
what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

Auto Repair Service.
Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again.

This is the model home
for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.

Christmas tag-sale.
Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

And now,
the Superstore—unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We don’t know about you, but the idea of being mistaken for dead is about the scariest thing we can think of. Fortunately for these folks, someone discovered the horrifying goof before funeral arrangements were made.

D
ECEASED:
An 83-year-old resident of a senior care facility in British Columbia, Canada

STORY:
Funeral home drivers arrived at the Shirley Dean Pavilion, in Surrey, British Columbia, in 2005 to pick up a woman who had died there. They took her body to the Surrey hospital, where they left it on a gurney in a hallway for attendants to take to the morgue.

RESURRECTION:
Some time later a porter at the hospital noticed the corpse’s leg move. The drivers had inadvertently picked up the dead woman’s roommate—who was sleeping, not dead. She was immediately taken back to the facility, and the truly-deceased woman was then taken to the morgue. The not-deceased 91-year-old woman’s son-in-law, Paul Boyle, was infuriated. “The number-one thing is to get her out of there…and then legal action,” he said. “There’s a difference between a dead person and a live person.” The facility promised an investigation.

DECEASED:
Bogdan Georgescu, a 16-year-old boy from Fagaras, Romania

STORY:
Georgescu collapsed after being punched by a friend. Rescue crews arrived and could find no signs of life, so he was pronounced dead and taken to the local morgue.

RESURRECTION:
A few hours after arriving at the morgue, an attendant thought he saw the boy’s body move, so he bent over the body to get a closer look—and the boy punched him in the face. “I woke up and had no idea where I was,” he said later. “I looked to the left and right and saw dead women on either side. Then I saw a man in a white coat. I panicked. I thought he was going to kill me.” The boy was taken to a neurological hospital for tests, and the doctor he punched was treated for shock—and given some time off to recover from the “corpse” attack.

DECEASED:
Subash Bag, an 8-year-old boy from a small village in West Bengal, India

STORY:
Subash was bitten by a poisonous snake near his home in Sonapalasi village and died a short time later. His grieving family performed the traditional funeral, putting his body on a raft and sending him down the nearby Damodar River.

RESURRECTION:
The boy’s body was found some time later down river near the village of Chandipur…and he wasn’t dead. The snake bite had not been fatal, but it was close. He was nursed back to health by villagers, but could remember nothing of his past. He stayed and was raised in the village of Chandipur. Eleven years later, in 2004, now 19 years old, married, and with a daughter, the young man was seen in a nearby town and recognized by one of his relatives. The relative informed Subash’s father and the elated family was reunited. Subash soon returned to live in his home village with his wife and daughter.

*       *       *

•
Cushy Job:
Mike Pixley of Monroe, Michigan, is a recliner tester for La-Z-Boy. He sits in and rocks about 2,800 easy chairs every day.

•
Put On a Happy Face—Or Else:
Nutzwerk LTD, an IT firm in Leipzig, Germany, has banned its employees from whining and complaining. A manager explained, “We made the ban official after one female employee refused to subscribe to the company’s philosophy of always smiling.” Workers are advised to keep their opinions to themselves; any griping could lead to immediate dismissal.

•
This Bites:
Ellie Jenkins is a counter for the Savannah, Georgia, Mosquito Control Commission. What does she count? Mosquitos. Jenkins drives to 38 different locations and stands still at each one with her arms and legs exposed. If she receives five bites in a minute, she calls pest-control services.

More recipients of the BRI’s highest honor.

H
onoree:
Lt. Col. Mike Presnell, who participated in the U.S. overthrow of Saddam Hussein in the spring of 2003

Notable Achievement:
Making a historical pit stop.

True Story:
In April 2003, Gloria Presnell was at home in Grand Island, Nebraska, when she received a satellite phone call from her son Mike in Baghdad. “I’m always worried when the phone rings,” Mrs. Presnell said, but this time it was good news: her son’s unit had just occupied one of Saddam’s palaces, and he was calling from the dictator’s personal “throne room” just to say hello. “Mike told me he was going to wash his hair and brush his teeth in Saddam’s private bathroom,” Mrs. Presnell told reporters. “The only thing I could say to him was, ‘Use your own toothbrush.’”

Honoree:
IKEA, the giant Swedish furniture company

Notable Achievement:
Filling job positions by going where people…go.

True Story:
In 2000, IKEA needed to fill some positions at its office in Malmö, Sweden. Rather than take out newspaper ads, the company hired people to go to trendy restaurants and scribble job notices onto restroom walls by hand. Result: “After only four days we had received 60 applications,” says company spokesman Jimmy Ostholm. “That’s four times more than what we would get from a newspaper ad,” at about a tenth of the cost. Why was the campaign so successful? “In the toilet, people are more relaxed and receptive to our message,” Ostholm explains.

Honoree:
Coolidge Winesett, a retired janitor

Notable Achievement:
Finding fame in an outhouse.

True Story:
For years Winesett, 75, was a popular banjo and fiddle player in local bluegrass bands, but he longed for wider fame. One afternoon in August 2000, Winesett went out behind his house to
use the outhouse—he didn’t have indoor plumbing—and when he sat down to do his business, the floor gave way. The floorboards protected Winesett from splashing into the “bad stuff,” as he put it, but he was stuck in the hole and couldn’t get out. And because he lived out in the country, nobody heard his cries for help.

Three days later, postal carrier Jimmy Jackson noticed that the old man’s mail was starting to pile up, so he decided to investigate. He found Winesett—still stuck in the outhouse—and called the volunteer fire department to help get him out. The story made the local newspaper, then got picked up by the wire services and spread around the world. Winesett was famous at last. “I wish there was some other way I could get popular,” he groused to reporters. “This is an insult to my ego.”

Honoree:
Rella Morris, mayor of Granite Falls, Washington

Notable Achievement:
Being the first U.S. elected official to preside at an official function…dressed in toilet paper.

True Story:
Long known as the gateway to Washington’s Cascade Mountains, Granite Falls became better known as “the town without a toilet” years ago when vandals blew up the town’s only portable public restroom. The town went without
any
public facilities until the late 1990s, when Mayor Morris and the city council decided it was time for a change. They raised the $91,000 needed to build a public restroom complete with four stalls, two urinals, and sinks with infrared sensors to turn the faucets on and off.

When the restrooms were finally constructed (which took more than a year), the town celebrated with its first-ever Toilet Festival. They had an exhibition of toilet-themed art, a toilet-paper-tearing ceremony (instead of a ribbon-cutting), and a raffle to determine which lucky citizen would get to flush the first flush. Mayor Morris didn’t exactly dress to the nines for the occasion, but she did dress to the two-plies, wearing a robe made of toilet paper and carrying a toilet plunger for a scepter. “This town,” she told the crowd, “really knows how to potty!”

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“March is a month that helps to use up some of the bad weather that February just couldn’t fit in.”

—
Doug Larson

The way you think about the meat you eat depends on a lot of things, including your philosophy and your upbringing. Here’s one man who makes it his business.

B
OVINE INSPIRATION

Guy Glosson has a unique job: He trains farmers to reduce the stress in beef cows. That translates to a happier, better life for the cows and an easier job for ranchers. Glosson is a member of the New Ranch Network, a 21st-century farming organization that combines the efforts of ranchers, scientists, and conservationists to find better ways to farm in this ever-changing world. For Glosson’s part, he travels from his native Texas to farms all across the country and teaches ranchers how to commune with their cattle.

At one such workshop in Michigan, 60 farmers came from two states to watch Glosson work his magic. Grazing in a nearby field were 40 cows and a 2,000-pound bull. Glosson walked up and spoke calmly to a few cows, who then stopped grazing and formed a line. Then, without another word from Glosson, the rest of the cows joined the formation, followed by the bull. Finally, the Cow Whisperer and the herd started marching in unison. They walked past the crowd of awestruck onlookers and then back to the field. A task such as that would usually take at least two ranchers and a dog much longer to perform—and it still would have been tough. Cows love to roam, and herding them together is a difficult and time-consuming task. So how does Guy Glosson do it? “If you approach the first handful correctly, they seem to tell the rest of them: ‘He’s not going to eat us today!’”