Uncle John's Endlessly Engrossing Bathroom Reader (69 page)

Speed Record:
In August 2003, Newman reached 144.7 mph driving a Jaguar XRJ down a runway near York, England.

How He Did It:
Newman was closely followed by another car driven by his stepfather (a driving instructor), who kept an eye on the road and communicated with Newman by radio. In 2005 he set another record when he drove a BMW 166 mph.

Costermans, 43, was blinded in an accident in 2004.

Speed Record:
The Belgian smashed Mike Newman’s 2005 record
when he drove 193 mph down the runway of a French Air Force base near Marseille in October 2008.

How He Did It:
Costermans was accompanied by a sighted “copilot,” Guillaume Roman.

Cunningham developed glaucoma at age eight and was totally blind by age 12. He made his attempt to raise money for the charity group Dogs for the Disabled.

Record Attempt:
In September 2000, Cunningham set the world blind speedboat record when his V-8 powered monohull “Bat Boat” reached 66 mph off the coast of Dorset in southern England.

How He Did It:
Cunningham was accompanied by a powerboat racer named Mike Mantle, who sat in the passenger seat and kept an eye out for waves. The Bat Boat was also equipped with a GPS system developed by the British Army Special Air Service to steer boats at night without using lights. When the system detected that the Bat Boat was straying from a straight course, it activated vibrating pads attached to Cunningham’s wrists. The system was similar to the one in Ken Moss’s MG: When the left wrist vibrated, Cunningham needed to turn left, and vice versa.

Baxter lost his eyesight in 1997 when he contracted a viral infection while serving with the British Army in Serbia.

Record Attempt:
Baxter, 39, set the blind solo world land speed record of 165.85 mph on a Kawasaki Ninja ZX-12R in August 2003. He made the attempt on a Royal Air Force runway in southern England. At the time he set his record, he was the fastest blind man on land—car or motorcycle.

How He Did It:
Baxter was accompanied by two sighted riders who rode their motorcycles on either side of his and called out his his speed and other information to him over a two-way radio. (Because Guinness World Records lists
blindfolded
motorcycle speed records, not
blind
speed records, Baxter wore a blindfold during his attempt, even though he is completely blind.)

For Baxter, who has ridden motorcycles most of his life, the most challenging part was riding at speeds
under
60 mph, when the motorcycle was less stable and he had a harder time sensing
how fast it was moving, or indeed whether it moving at all. (If Baxter were to put his feet on the ground while the motorcycle was still moving, he could be thrown off.) “The guys had to count me down so that when I lowered my legs, the ground had stopped moving,” he says. Another trick: Baxter wore thong underwear. Why? His fear of emergency-room doctors seeing him in thong underwear made him that much more determined not to crash.

Hicks, a bicycle mechanic, is deaf
and
blind—he has been deaf since age three and blind since age six; he uses his record-breaking attempts to raise money for deaf-blind charities.

Speed Record:
Hicks set the world ATV speed record of 99.26 mph in 2001, then topped it in 2002 with a 104-mph run. That wasn’t the blind-deaf world record, either—it was the
world
record: No one, sighted or not, had ever ridden faster than Hicks on an ATV. “I’m just not interested in trying for disabled records,” he says. In August 2004 he smashed his own record when he drove his ATV at 130.78 mph. (In 2002 he set the record for the fastest Jet-Ski trip from the U.K. to the Netherlands. He made the 127-mile crossing in just under six hours.)

How He Does It:
Hicks is accompanied by a second person who sits behind him and serves as his eyes and ears. For his 2004 ATV run, he brought along policeman Brian Sharman, who communicated with Hicks by touch. “If I want him to speed up, I squeeze him with my knees,” Sharman explained to the London
Times
. “If I want him to slow down I tap his chest with both hands. It’s not just a matter of the odd tap here and there—every run is a constant series of taps and pulls, from start to finish.”

Update:
As late as 2009, the 48-year-old Hicks was still raising money for blind-deaf charities with appearances at auto races and other events, popping wheelies on his ATV and making speed runs for the crowds. But that came to a halt when his insurer raised his premium to £250
a day,
or about $450. Until he can find another insurer, Hicks will have to settle for more sedate fund-raising activities. In August 2009, for example, he and a sighted cousin rode a tandem bicycle 203 miles from London’s Tower Bridge to the Eiffel Tower in Paris. How long would it take
you
to make that trip? Hicks did it in three days.

• On either hip:
You’re hard-working, content, and full of passion. You’re also abstemious and trustworthy. Yet for all your desirable traits, you will enjoy only moderate success in your business life. Your many children will suffer hardships in life, but they will prevail in the end and be the wiser for it.

• On your right thigh:
Do not have this mole removed! You’re pleasant-natured, passionate, and courageous. You’ll be successful in your career, come into even more money by marriage, and have lots of children, the majority of whom will be girls.

• On your left thigh:
You’re happy and generous. And you’re a hard worker. But none of this counts for much. Your love life will be a snooze, and you’ll experience poverty, misery, and betrayal by “friends,” one of whom will tell a lie that gets you arrested.

• On your left knee:
You’re passionate, but too quick for your own good. You’re not particularly honest, either, and your generosity is often offset by insensitivity. You’re likely to be successful in your own right and marry into a wealthy family on top of it. Despite your inclination toward debauchery, the odds are against you having more than a single child.

• On the right knee:
Another keeper—you’re honest, even-tempered, and passionate. You’ll work hard in life and love, and experience great fortune in both. Your few sorrows will be more than offset by the love of your children and the loyalty of your friends.

• On either leg:
You’re thoughtless, lazy, corrupt, and overindulgent. These and other failings will cause great trouble, and yet somehow, you will overcome your problems…only to end up in prison at an early age. You’ll marry an agreeable person (no word
on whether that’s in or out of prison), and they will outlive you. You’ll have four children (two will die young).

• On either ankle:
You’re a slave to fashion and a snazzy dresser. If you’re a man, you’re a coward; if you’re a woman, you’re clever and brave. Both genders will have great success in love and life.

• On either foot:
You’re sad. And you’re lazy, which only adds to your sadness. You lead a sedentary life and read lots of books (some of them in the bathroom). For you, life will always be a bumpy road, with at least one bad marriage made worse by troubled, ungrateful children.

•
On your wrist or hand:
You’re an intelligent, serious person. You’re reliable, have a strong work ethic, and are in the habit of saving your money and resources rather than frittering them away on whims and passing fancies. You’ll likely marry well and have a happy family life, but you will hit a string of bad luck at about age 30 that could last for years. A man with a mole on his wrist or hand will marry twice in his lifetime; a woman, only once, and she will outlive her husband.

• Between your elbow and your wrist:
You have a peaceful, cheerful personality, and you love hard work almost as much as you love to read a good book. Your life may start out a little rough

—including even an arrest or a major lawsuit of some kind—but as you reach middle age your past trials and tribulations will enable you to appreciate life that much more. If you have a son, he will go far in the world and marry a wealthy widow.

• Near either elbow:
You are restless and unreliable. If you’re in a relationship, it’s an unhappy one. If you have children, they’re likely to cause you a lot of problems, too. You enjoy traveling and passing time idly, but your idleness can get in the way of travel. Getting off the couch has always been an unnatural act for you.

• On either arm:
You’re strong, courageous, resolute, hard-working, and faithful to your friends. You’ll face plenty of battles in life but will prevail over adversity. If you’re male, you’ll be a widower by 40; if you’re female, your husband will outlive you. Either way, the good things will outweigh the bad, and your life will be happy and prosperous.

In May 2005, Roy Pearson, a 55-year-old Washington, D.C. lawyer, landed a job as an administrative law judge. Pearson wanted to wear his nicest suit, but his pants needed to be let out, so he took them to his neighborhood dry cleaner, Custom Cleaners. When he returned two days later, the pants weren’t ready. Soo Chung, one of the owners, apologized and said she’d have them finished the next morning. But when Pearson returned, the pants couldn’t be found. Angry, he pointed to two signs on the wall—“Same-Day Service” and “Satisfaction Guaranteed”—and then stormed out. A few days later, Chung told Pearson she’d found his pants. He claimed they weren’t his. Chung insisted they were; his receipt was still attached. Pearson didn’t believe her and demanded $1,150 for a new suit. The Chungs offered to give him his pants back. “Those are not my pants!” Pearson reiterated. He threatened legal action and left.

Soo and Jim Nam Chung, who owned Custom Cleaners as well as another dry cleaner, hired attorney Chris Manning to help them. He advised them to offer Pearson $3,000 to settle the whole matter. Pearson declined, as he did subsequent offers of $4,600 and $12,000. Pearson had been poring through law books and building a case, and ended up suing the Chungs for “mental suffering, inconvenience, and discomfort”—both for the loss of his pants and for the two signs in the shop, which he claimed were false advertising. The amount he wanted: $67 million.

Why so high? Pearson was taking advantage of a vaguely worded consumer protection law that provides for damages of $1,500 per violation per day. Pearson counted 12 violations taking place over 1,200 days, multiplied by three—one for each of the two owners and their son, who also worked there. Why so many days? Pearson didn’t own a car and claimed he’d have to rent one every
week for the next four years to drive to the next closest dry cleaner. Having to do this, he concluded, was a violation of his rights. Pearson also sought damages for the time he would log as his own lawyer (at his regular rate).

The lawsuit made international headlines: On one side there was Pearson, a well-dressed African-American lawyer with a flair for the dramatic. And then there were the humble Chungs, Korean immigrants who spoke so little English that they needed an interpreter. The legal community took notice as well, concerned that Pearson was giving trial lawyers an even worse name. In fact, the American Tort Reform Association, whose goal is to end frivolous lawsuits, and the American Trial Lawyers Association—their sworn enemy—came to a rare agreement that Pearson had crossed the line. The Tort Reform Association even offered to buy “Judge Fancy Pants,” as some were calling him, a new suit if he dropped the case.

Instead, Pearson put up flyers in his neighborhood denouncing the Chungs and calling for other dissatisfied customers to join him in a class-action lawsuit. That case was dismissed when Pearson failed to gather enough signatures…so he pressed on with his civil suit. Meanwhile, business at Custom Cleaners had dropped off considerably after the flyers went up. But outside the neighborhood, public support helped the Chungs raise nearly $100,000 to pay (most of) their legal bills.

The bench trial (one in which there is no jury) went before D.C. Judge Judith Bartnoff in June 2007. In his bizarre opening statement, Pearson spoke so softly that the fans had to be turned off so that everyone could hear him (and there was no air-conditioning). After spending a half-hour describing his childhood, he was interrupted by Judge Bartnoff, who said, “Why don’t we get to why we’re here?” When Pearson finally did, he explained that the case wasn’t really about the pants—it was about the sign that falsely advertised “Satisfaction Guaranteed.” (He also reduced his request from $67 million to $54 million.)

Pearson kept using the term “we,” because in his mind, he was speaking for everyone who’d ever been taken advantage of by
shady business tactics. Judge Bartnoff told him to stop it: “Mr. Pearson, you are not ‘we’. You are an ‘I.’” That was one of several exchanges that drew laughs from the spectators. At one point, a teary Pearson sobbed, “Never before in recorded history has a group of defendants engaged in such misleading and unfair business practices,” and then rushed out of the courtroom.