Uncle John’s Giant 10th Anniversary Bathroom Reader (15 page)

—Bret Maverick,

Maverick

ON WORKING

FOR A LIVING

Napoleon Solo:
“Are you free?”

Illya Kuryakin:
“No man is free who has to work for a living. But I am available.”

—The Man from U.N.C.L.E.

“I don’t have anything against work. I just figure, why deprive somebody who really loves it?”

—Dobie,
The
M
any

Loves of Dobie Gillis

“My old Pappy used to say, hard work never hurt anyone—who didn’t do it.”

—Bret Maverick,

Maverick

They say the Lord works in mysterious ways. Do you believe it? These people obviously do…In fact, they may be the proof.

T
HE GLASS MENAGERIE

The Sighting:
A 35-foot-high image of the Virgin Mary on the side of a building in Clearwater, Florida

Revelation:
In 1996, workers chopped down a palm tree in front of the Seminole Finance Company building. Not long afterward, a customer noticed a discoloration in the building’s tinted windows that resembled the Madonna. The discovery was reported on the afternoon news. By the end of the week, an estimated 100,000 people visited the site…including a Baptist minister who was ejected after he “condemned the crowd for worshipping an image on glass.”

Impact:
The city set up a “Miracle Management Task Force” to install portable toilets at the site, arrange police patrols, and erect a pedestrian walkway over the adjacent road (Route 19) to stop the faithful from dodging in and out of traffic. “That’s the busiest highway in Florida,” one policeman told reporters. “You want to know the real miracle? Half a million people have crossed that intersection and nobody’s been injured or killed.”

STRANGE FRUIT

The Sighting:
The words of Allah in a sliced tomato in Hudders-field, England

Revelation:
In June 1997, 14-year-old Shasta Aslam sliced a tomato in half for her grandparents’ salad and saw what appeared to be the Koranic message “There is no God but Allah” spelled out in Arabic in the veins of one half of the tomato, and the words “Mohammed is the messenger” written in the other half. “There were some letters missing and it was hard to decipher,” her grandmother told reporters, “but the message was clear.”

Impact:
Hundreds of Muslims from all over the United Kingdom went to view the tomato. “They knock on the door and I take them through to the kitchen and open the fridge door for them to have a look,” the grandmother explained. The tomato has since been moved to the freezer.

NICE BUN

The Sighting:
The face of Mother Teresa in a cinnamon bun in Nashville, Tennessee

Revelation:
In the fall of 1996, bakers at the Bongo Java coffee-house were baking cinnamon buns when they noticed one that bore a striking resemblance to Mother Teresa.

Impact:
Bongo Java owner Bob Bernstein shellacked the bun and put it in a display case beneath the coffeehouse’s cash register. The story was reported in newspapers and on national television. The coffeehouse, now a tourist attraction, set up a Web site and began selling “Immaculate Confection” T-shirts, mugs, cards, and “Mother Teresa’s Special Roast” coffee beans. More than 2 million people from 80 different countries have visited the Web site, and many have left messages. “I hate to burst your bubble,” one visitor wrote, “but to me, it looks more like Abe Vigoda in a hooded sweatshirt.”

When Mother Teresa—who didn’t even allow her own order to use her image in fundraising—learned of the bun, her lawyers asked the coffeehouse to remove it from display. “If it were sacrilege, we’d stop,” a Bongo spokesman said. “But it’s not.”

THIRSTY FOR ENLIGHTENMENT

The Sighting:
A statue of Lord Ganesh, the elephant-headed Hindu god of wealth and power, drinking milk through its trunk.

Revelation:
On September 21, 1995, a Hindu in India had a dream that Ganesh, the god of wealth and power, “wanted some milk.” So he held an offering of a teaspoonful of milk up to the trunk of his Ganesh statue…and it drank it. As word spread over the next few days, the same phenomenon was observed in Hindu communities in England, Hong Kong, Malaysia, Nepal, the Netherlands and the United States. (Skeptics point to capillary action—the ability of porous stone and metals to absorb liquids—as a likely culprit.)

Impact:
According to Indian news reports, “So many Hindus were caught up in the mass hysteria that milk supplies were depleted and shopkeepers raised the price of milk 20 times. The military used bamboo canes to control the worshippers flooding Hindu temples.” The phenomenon spread to other religions. “After reading news reports,” one man in Kuala Lumpur wrote, “I tried the same thing on Mother Mary and baby Jesus. They drank a whole spoonful.”

Every four years, we’re treated to another round of Olympics. Whether you watch them or not, it’s impossible to avoid all the hype—which, it turns out, isn’t all true. Next time someone refers to “Olympic tradition,” read them this.

T
HE MYTH:
Athletes who competed in the ancient Greek Olympics were amateurs.

THE TRUTH:
Technically, maybe. But in fact, they were handsomely rewarded for their victories. “Contrary to popular belief,” says David Wallechinsky in his
Complete Book of the Olympics,
“the Ancient Greek athletes were not amateurs. Not only were they fully supported throughout their training, but even though the winner received only an olive wreath at the Games, at home he was amply rewarded and could become quite rich.” Eventually, top athletes demanded cash and appearance fees—even back then.

THE MYTH:
In ancient Greece, the Olympics were so important that everything stopped for them—even wars.

THE TRUTH:
No war
ever
stopped because of the Olympics. But wars didn’t interfere with the games because: 1) participants were given nighttime safe-conduct passes that allowed them to cross battle-fields after a day’s fighting was done and 2) the Olympics were part of a religious ceremony, so the four olympic sites—including Delphi and Olympia—were off-limits to fighting.

THE MYTH:
To honor ancient tradition and discourage commercialism, organizers of the modern Olympics decided that only amateur athletes could compete.

THE TRUTH:
Not even close. It was “amateurs only” strictly to keep the riff-raff out. Baron Coubertin, the man responsible for bringing back the Olympics in 1896, was a French aristocrat who wanted to limit competitors to others of his social class. “He saw the Olympics as a way to reinforce class distinctions rather than overcome them,” writes one historian. Since only the rich could afford to spend their time training for the games without outside support, the best way to keep lower classes out was to restrict them to amateurs.

THE MYTH:
The torch-lighting ceremony that opens the games originated with the ancient Greeks.

THE TRUTH:
It has no ancient precedent—it was invented by the Nazis. The 1936 Olympics took place in Berlin, under Hitler’s watchful eye. Carl Diem, who organized the event for the Führer, created the first lighting of the Olympic flame to give the proceedings “an ancient aura” Since then, the ceremony has become part of Olympic tradition…and people just assume it’s much older than it really is.

THE MYTH:
The 5-ring Olympic symbol is from ancient Greece.

THE TRUTH:
The Nazis are responsible for that myth, too. According to David Young’s book,
The Modern Olympics
, it was spread in a Nazi propaganda film about the Berlin Games.

THE MYTH:
Adolf Hitler snubbed U.S. runner Jesse Owens at the 1936 Olympics in Berlin.

THE TRUTH:
This is one of the enduring American Olympic myths. Hitler, the story goes, was frustrated in his attempt to prove Aryan superiority when Owens—an African American—took the gold. The furious Führer supposedly refused to acknowledge Owens’s victories. But according to Owens himself, it never happened. Hitler didn’t congratulate anyone that day because the International Olympic Committee had warned him he had to congratulate “all winners or no winners.” He chose to stay mum.

THE MYTH:
The Olympic marathon distance was established in ancient times to honor a messenger who ran from Marathon to Athens—about 26 miles—to deliver vital news…then died.

THE TRUTH:
The marathon distance—26 miles, 385 yards—was established at the 1908 games in London. It’s the distance from Shepherd’s Bush Stadium to the queen’s bedroom window.

THE MYTH:
Drugs have always been taboo in the Olympics.

THE TRUTH:
Drugs weren’t outlawed until 1967. In fact, according to the
Complete Book of the Olympics,
drugs were already in use by the third modern Olympic Games: “The winner of the 1904 marathon, Thomas Hicks, was administered multiple doses of strychnine and brandy
during
the race.”

More unusual origins of everyday phrases

C
ARRY A TORCH FOR SOMEONE

Meaning:
Be devoted to (in love with) someone

Origin:
During the 19th century, a dedicated follower showed support for a political candidate by carrying a torch in an evening campaign parade. Only enthusiastic followers took part in such rallies. A fellow who carried a torch didn’t care who knew that he was wholeheartedly behind his candidate. Later, the term was applied to someone publicly (and obsessively) in love.

SELL LIKE HOTCAKES

Meaning:
Go over big; have a big commercial success

Origin:
In the early 1800s, hotcakes were
the
popular fast food at carnivals and country fairs. Anyone who set up a hotcake stand was sure to make a killing.

PUT THE SCREWS TO SOMEONE

Meaning:
Pressure someone mercilessly

Origin:
According to Robert Claiborne in
Loose Cannons and Red Herrings
, “The screws aren’t those used to fasten a piece of woodwork together, but the much larger screws used to compress such things as cotton bales. If someone’s putting the screws on you, they’re squeezing you for all you’re worth.”

BAWL SOMEONE OUT

Meaning:
Berate (or yell at) someone for doing something wrong.

Origin:
“The word
bawl
for a loud, rough cry goes back to the fifteenth century and probably derives from the Latin for
baulare
, to bark like a dog, the word first meant to bark or howl the way a dog does, but it was also applied to the sounds of other animals, especially cows and bulls. This supports the theory that to
bawl out
originated as ranch slang, suggested by the bawling or bellowing of angry bulls.” (
Animal Crackers
, by Robert Hendrickson)

PULL YOUR OWN WEIGHT

Meaning:
Do your share

Origin:
Surprisingly, a rowing term. “Each member of a crew must pull an oar at least hard enough to propel his or her own weight.” (
Have a Nice Day No Problem
, by Christine Ammer)

DEAD SET AGAINST SOMETHING

Meaning:
Unalterably opposed to something

Origin:
An industrial term. When a machine is bolted down or fastened so it can’t move, it’s said to be “dead set.”

DRUM UP BUSINESS

Meaning:
Find a way to sell things

Origin:
“Before the practice of advertising in printed media became so common, traveling hawkers of various wares would enter a village in their wagons and attract an audience by beating a drum,”
(The Whole Ball of Wax,
by Lawrence Urdang)

A BOOBY TRAP

Meaning:
A hidden hazard, designed to surprise the victim

Origin:
Literally a trap for a
booby
(or
boob)
—a term that probably came from the Spanish word
bobo
, meaning stupid.

FIT AS A FIDDLE

Meaning:
In tip-top shape