Uncle John's Great Big Bathroom Reader (33 page)

MYTH:
As marshall of Dodge City, Wyatt Earp helped tame the Wild West.

THE TRUTH:
Earp was never the marshall of Dodge City. He did serve two terms as
deputy
marshall, but according to historian Peter Lyon in
American Heritage
, the only reason he took the job was because it was good for his gambling career. “Every professional gambler needed a star,” Lyon writes. “The badge of office permitted its wearer to carry a gun....Only peace officers were permitted to carry guns in Dodge City; all others were obliged to check their weapons in racks provided for that purpose.” Wyatt wasn’t even an honest card player, let alone a standup lawman, which may be why he wanted a gun. According to historian Floyd Streeter, Earp had a reputation for being “up to some dishonest trick every time he played.”

“There’s two ways for a fellow to look for adventure: By tearing everything down, or building everything up.”
—The Lone Ranger

Here’s another Top Ten of the Year list.

1976

(1) Silly Love Songs —
Paul McCartney / Wings

(2) Don’t Go Breaking My Heart —
Elton John / Kiki Dee

(3) Disco Lady —
Johnnie Taylor

(4) December, 1963 (Oh, What A Night) —
The Four Seasons

(5) Kiss And Say Goodbye —
The Manhattans

(6) Play That Funky Music —
Wild Cherry

(7) 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover —
Paul Simon

(8) Love Machine, Pt. 1 —
Miracles

(9) Love Is Alive —
Gary Wright

(10) A Fifth Of Beethoven —
Walter Murphy & The Big Apple Band

1977

(1) Tonight’s The Night —
Rod Stewart

(2) I Just Want To Be Your Everything —
Andy Gibb

(3) Best Of My Love —
Emotions

(4) Love Theme From “A Star Is Born” —
Barbra Streisand

(5) I Like Dreamin’ —
Kenny Nolan

(6) Angel In Your Arms —
Hot

(7) Don’t Leave Me This Way —
Thelma Houston

(8) Higher and Higher —
Rita Coolidge

(9) Torn Between Two Lovers —
Mary MacGregor

(10) Undercover Angel —
Alan O’Day

1978

(1) Shadow Dancing—
Andy Gibb

(2) Stayin’ Alive —
The Bee Gees

(3) You Light Up My Life —
Debby Boone

(4) Night Fever —
The Bee Gees

(5) Kiss You All Over —
Exile

(6) How Deep Is Your Love —
The Bee Gees

(7) Baby Come Back —
Player

(8) (Love Is) Thicker Than Water —
Andy Gibb

(9) Three Times A Lady —
The Commodores

(10) Boogie Oogie Oogie —
A Taste Of Honey

1979

(1) My Sharona —
The Knack

(2) Bad Girls —
Donna Summer

(3) Reunited —
Peaches And Herb

(4) Da Ya Think I’m Sexy? —
Rod Stewart

(5) Le Freak—
Chic

(6) Y.M.C.A. —
The Village People

(7) Hot Stuff —
Donna Summer

(8) I Will Survive —
Gloria Gaynor

(9) Ring My Bell —
Anita Ward

(10) Sad Eyes—
Robert John

Have you ever been in a place where all you can find to read in the bathroom is an old newspaper? Try this: just flip to the classifieds and look for funny goofs like these. Most were collected by Richard Lederer for his book
Fractured English.

FOR SALE

An antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

GREAT DAMES FOR SALE

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Pit Bull For Sale: Owner deceased.

Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.

WANTED

Looking for hanging cage for my daughter. Must have exercise wheel.

Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Salary and Blue Cross.

Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business and be willing to get hands dirty.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Hard working, experienced farm woman. Household and field work; know how to cook; must own tractor—send photo of tractor.

Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

MISCELLANEOUS

Lost:
Beagle, partly blind, hard of hearing, castrated; answers to the name of Lucky.

For rent:
6-room hated apartment

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

The license fee for altered dogs with a certificate will be $3 and for pets owned by senior citizens who have not been altered the fee will be $1.50.

Free—Three Kittens:
Siamese coloring. Will do yard work. To a loving home only.

Here’s the story of how FW Woolworth used nickels and dimes to pay for one of the most popular skyscrapers ever constructed. (Part III on
page 186
.)

K
ING OF COMMERCE

At the turn of the century, Frank Winfield Woolworth was one of the richest merchants in the world. And every penny of his fortune was earned in nickels and dimes.

Woolworth had opened the world’s first “5 & 10 Cent Store” in 1879. As the name implied, he priced everything at either a nickel or a dime—and started a revolution in retailing. With that kind of pricing, he didn’t need skilled (or high-salaried) salespeople; customers just picked out what they wanted and brought it to the register. Shoppers flooded his store with business. Woolworth had five stores by 1886, 28 by 1895, and 59 by 1900. In 1910, he merged with several rivals to create a retailing empire with more than 600 stores.

MONUMENT TO EXCESS

In 1909, Woolworth decided to build a magnificent world headquarters to commemorate his rags-to-riches story. He bought a plot of land on Broadway in lower Manhattan and commissioned architect Cass Gilbert to build what would later be dubbed a “cathedral of commerce”—the tallest building in the world.

Woolworth had an enormous ego, which is one reason he wanted his building to be taller than the Metropolitan Tower. But he may have had a more personal reason for knocking Metropolitan out of the #1 slot: revenge. Earlier in his career, Metropolitan had turned Woolworth down for a loan. Dwarfing the Metropolitan Tower with his own Woolworth building would be his way of evening the score.

Opposition

The Woolworth building would eventually become one of the most
beloved buildings in the world; but during construction it made a lot of enemies. The industry journal
Engineering Record
was a particularly adamant critic, and in its pages it argued that construction of the building should be halted. It warned of what would happen to New York if buildings as tall as the one Woolworth proposed continued to be built.

There is no such excuse...for the rearing of this great pile, shutting off the light of its neighbors, darkening the streets, and containing a population of several thousand people whose concentration on a little piece of ground will add another heavy burden to the transportation facilities in the vicinity.

The
Record’s
complaints were ignored and the construction went forward. But this and similar warnings would soon prove accurate, and would change the quality of life in cities forever.

TAKING CHARGE

Woolworth obsessed over every detail of construction. As George Douglas writes in
Skyscrapers: A Social History in America:

[Woolworth] argued with Gilbert about the width of corridors, the layout of offices, the style of radiators, the light fixtures, the elevators, and everything else that came to his attention. When it was time to pick out the plumbing fixtures, Woolworth himself visited the offices of the Sanitas Manufacturing Company to look at the line of toilets and other bathroom fixtures available. He personally picked out the levers that he wanted for the urinals in the men’s rooms.

Woolworth spared no expense to make his building one of the most opulent skyscrapers ever built.

The main entrance on Broadway was a magnificent arch treated to rich Gothic detail and filigree. The lobby might well have served as the entrance to a Turkish sultan’s palace or harem. The walls were of golden marble from the Isle of Skyros....For his own private offices Woolworth had ransacked the galleries and auction houses of Europe, and, impressed by Napoleon’s tastes and zest for power, he emulated the decor of Napoleon’s palace at Compiegne.

Another item gracing the lobby was a sculpture of Woolworth himself, holding a nickel.

The building was also a technological marvel. There were air cushions
at the bottom of every elevator shaft, a restaurant and a swimming pool in the basement. The exterior of the building was illuminated with 80,000 light bulbs. “Highest, Safest, Most Perfectly Appointed Office Structure in the World,” one advertisement read, “Fireproof Beyond Question, Elevators Accident Proof.”

BRAVE NEW WORLD

The building was finished in 1913 and opened its doors for business on April 24. It was 60 stories high and more than 800 feet tall; it cost $13.5 million to build—every penny of which Woolworth paid in cash. From the White House, President Woodrow Wilson himself pushed the button that illuminated the exterior. The Woolworth Building was now officially the tallest building on Earth, and it would remain so until 1930.

It was also one of the most important skyscrapers ever built. “Before that day in 1913,” George Douglas writes, “the skyscraper had been a thing of architectural and engineering curiosity. Now at last it was clearly revealed as one of the great wonders of the modern world.”

Feeling high? Part V of “The World’s Tallest Buildings” is on
page 248
.

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RANDOM “THOUGHTS”

“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”

—Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

“China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.”

—Former French President Charles de Gaulle

Ever wonder where screenwriters get their ideas? Sometimes it’s from news stories like these.

I
n Real Life:
“Ed Gein was a soft-spoken, hard-working handyman in a small town in Wisconsin. His entire life was dominated by his stern, repressive mother, Augusta, and after her death, he turned her room into a shrine.

“In the fall of 1957, a policeman investigating the disappearance of a local shopkeeper checked up on the last purchase listed in her receipt book—the sale of a can of antifreeze to Ed Gein.” The officer went to Gein’s house to ask about it and found the woman’s body—along with female “masks” made from other bodies he’d apparently unearthed from a local cemetery. (
It’s a Weird World
, by Paul Hagerman).

On Screen:
Gein was the inspiration for the character of Norman Bates, played by Anthony Perkins in Alfred Hitchcock’s classic thriller,
Psycho.

In Real Life:
Geoffrey Francis Bowers was an attorney with the world’s largest law firm, Baker & McKenzie. In 1986, he was dismissed because he had AIDS and filed a lawsuit against them charging discrimination. He died while the case was still being tried but was posthumously awarded $500,000 by a jury.

On Screen:
His life-and-death story became
Philadelphia
, the Oscar-winning 1993 drama starring Tom Hanks. But when Bowers’ parents complained that their son’s life story had been appropriated for the movie without permission, Tri-Star denied it was him. The family sued for $10 million. They settled out of court, with Tri-Star admitting publicly that Hanks’s character was, indeed, Bowers.