Uncle John's Great Big Bathroom Reader (31 page)

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Real estate.
“In 1986 the National Park Service bought a half acre of land in southwest Washington, D.C., for $230,000. In 1988 someone discovered that the Park Service already owned the land—they bought it in 1914.” (
Great Government Goofs
)

•
Streamlining the Pentagon.
“During the 1980s Department of Defense efficiency experts saved between $27 million and $136 million each year! However, the efficiency experts cost between $150 million and $300 million each year.” (
Stupid Government Tricks
)

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Physical fitness.
“When $122 million was allocated for an addition to the Dirksen Office Building in Washington, D.C., it went to give the senators a third gymnasium.” (
Goofy Government Grants & Wacky Waste
)

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Reimbursement.
“According to a 1989 report by the State Department Watch, a private watchdog organization, the Department of State issued eighteen thousand travel expense checks without getting corroborating evidence for the expenses. One check for $9,000 was issued to ‘Ludwig van Beethoven,’ whose Social Security number was listed as ‘123-45-6789.’” (
Stupid Government Tricks
)

•
Sociology.
“$84,000 [was] approved by Congress for a project to discover why people fall in love.” (
Great Government Goofs
)

•
Fighting Poverty.
$5 million was approved by Congress as an interest-free loan to Sears, Roebuck under the federal “antipoverty” funds program. (Great
Government Goofs
)

•
Space travel.
“The National Aeronautics and Space Administration spent $23 million to build a prototype toilet for the space shuttle—a 900% increase over the original estimate. Why the overrun? The astronauts wanted a manual flush rather than an automatic one.” (From
Goofy Government Grants & Wacky
Waste)

•
Natural history.
“$107,000 was appropriated by Congress for a project to study the sex life of the Japanese quail.” (
Great Government Goofs
)

• “The Illinois Department of Conservation spent $180,000 to study the contents of owl vomit.” (
Great Government Goofs
)

•
Medical research.
“In 1993 the Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine termed ‘outlandish’ a $3 million federally funded research project to determine whether marijuana will make rabbits more susceptible to syphilis and mice more prone to contract Legionnaires’ disease.” (
Stupid Government Tricks
)

•
On-the-spot research.
“More than $7 million is spent each year by politicians on junkets to popular vacation spots around the world. It’s called ‘business travel.’ As a matter of fact, when the government’s fiscal year is about to run out, there’s an estimated 48% increase in government business travel.” (
Goofy Government Grants & Wacky Waste
)

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AND SPEAKING OF DUMB...

News of the Weird
reports that “Annette Montoya, 11, of Belen, New Mexico, and her parents were arrested for forgery after Annette, in the company of her father, attempted to open a bank account with a $900,000 check. The girl told sheriff’s deputies that she earned the money doing ‘some yard work.’ During the interrogation, she crossed her heart and said, ‘Hope to die if I’m lying.’”

From the BRI files:
Lagos, Nigeria—Two small buses collided when their drivers tried to slap each others’ hands in greeting, the News Agency of Nigeria reported. Seven people died; the two drivers were among them.

This Greek tale about man’s first attempt to fly is still used today to illustrate both the dangers of hubris and the impetuous nature of youth. This version is from
Myths and Legends of the Ages.

O
n the island of Crete, during the reign of King Minos, there lived a most skillful artisan named Daedalus. Daedalus was the greatest inventor and craftsman of his time, and his fame spread to the far corners of the world.

It was Daedalus who built the famous labyrinth in which King Minos kept that terrible beast, the Minotaur. This labyrinth was a building with hundreds of winding halls and passages so complicated that no one who went into it could ever find his way out again.

But although Daedalus performed great services for King Minos, the king feared him. Minos was afraid that Daedalus, with his great wisdom and skill, might someday gain the throne of Crete. So King Minos imprisoned Daedalus and his young son, Icarus, in a dark stone tower.

But no locks could hold Daedalus! For he could open them all. And one dark night, Daedalus and Icarus escaped from the tower.

After they had fled, Daedalus and Icarus did not find it so easy to escape from Crete. You see, Crete is an island, and King Minos had his soldiers search every ship that left its shores.

Daedalus and Icarus lay in hiding in a cave along the seashore. One bright day, Daedalus was idly watching the seagulls soaring and swooping over the water in their search for food. Suddenly, an idea struck him.

“King Minos may control the land and the sea,” he cried, “but he does not control the air. That is how Icarus and I shall escape.”

Then Daedalus set to work to study the birds and learn the secret of their flight. For endless hours he watched the birds flying. He caught a bird and studied the clever structure of its wings. Then he put to use his knowledge and skill to copy the wings of a bird. The boy, Icarus, spent his days trapping the seagulls and plucking their
feathers. Daedalus took the feathers which his son had obtained, and sewed them together with marvelous skill. Soon, wings began to take shape, so wonderfully made that, except for their great size, they looked exactly like the real wings of a bird. And then Daedalus took these wings, and with melted wax attached them to a wooden framework.

When he had made a pair of wings for himself and a pair of wings for his son, Daedalus fastened them in place. A wing was strapped to each arm. Then Daedalus proceeded to teach his son to fly, just as a mother bird teaches her young. How happy and excited young Icarus was when he found that he could fly through the air, that he could circle and float on the wind! He was impatient to be off.

Finally the time came when Daedalus felt they were ready to make the escape from Crete. He turned to his young son and said, “Icarus, listen carefully to my words. Follow close behind me in your flight. Do not fly too low or the dampness from the sea will cling to your wings and make them too heavy for you to lift. Do not fly too high or the sun will melt the wax of your wings.”

Then Daedalus kissed his son fondly and began to rise into the air. Icarus followed his father. As the two of them flew across the sky, people looked up in amazement. The ploughmen in the fields gazed upward, the shepherds marveled! They thought they were watching the flight of gods.

At first, Icarus stayed close behind his father. But then, exalting in his new-found power, he flew off on little side trips. Soon he forgot everything his father told him and flew high into the heavens.

Then the blazing sun did its work and the wax of his wings melted. Icarus fluttered his arms, but there were not enough feathers left to beat the air. He called his father, but in vain. Down he fell into the sea!

Daedalus sped to the aid of his son, but when he saw the feathers floating on the ocean, he knew to his grief that Icarus had been drowned. So ended man’s first attempt to fly; for Daedalus, heartbroken at the loss of his son, flew on to Sicily, took off his wings and never flew again.

You may not like the products...but it’s always interesting to find out where familiar brand names come from.

P
all Mall cigarettes:
Named for one of the most fashionable streets in London. The British pronunciation is “Pell Mell.”

Cutty Sark scotch:
Named after the clipper ship that won a trans-Atlantic sailing race in the 1870s.

Lucky Strike cigarettes:
Dr. R. A. Patterson, a Virginia doctor, gave the name to plug tobacco that he sold to miners during the California Gold Rush of 1856. It was first introduced as a cigarette in 1917.

Bourbon whiskey:
When Louis XVI of the Bourbon dynasty of France assisted the struggling colonists during the Revolutionary War, they named a region of Virginia and Kentucky Bourbon County in his honor. The county later became the birthplace of bourbon whiskey.

Chesterfield cigarettes:
Named after the 4th Earl of Chesterfield, 18th-century trend-setting socialite. The Chesterfield couch and jacket are also named after him.

Old Crow scotch:
Named in 1835 after Dr. James Crow, the Scottish surgeon and chemist who introduced sanitation and modern distillation methods to the domestic whiskey industry.

Kent cigarettes:
Herbert A. Kent, a Lorillard Tobacco Company executive, was so popular at the office that the company named Kent cigarettes after him in 1952.

White Horse scotch:
Originally served in the White Horse Inn in Edinburgh, Scotland.

I. W. Harper whiskey:
When Isaac W. Bernheim and his brother started a whiskey business in 1872, they named their product I. W. Harper—I. W. for Bernheim’s initials...and Harper after their star salesman. The firm’s customers already called it Mr. Harper’s whiskey. Bernheim figured there was no point in tampering with a well established name.

For a century, people have been speculating about what life would be like way off in the future—in the year 2000. Now that it’s almost here, we can see just how bizarre some of those predictions were. These quotes were compiled for our book
Uncle John’s Indispensable Guide to the Year 2000.

T
HE DREAM HOUSE OF 2000

“[Using] wonderful new materials far stronger than steel, but lighter than aluminum...houses [in the year 2000] will be able to fly....The time may come when whole communities may migrate south in the winter, or move to new lands whenever they feel the need for a change of scenery.”

—Arthur C. Clarke,
Vogue
, 1966

“Keeping house will be a breeze by the year 2000. Sonic cleaning devices and air-filtering systems will just about eliminate dusting, scrubbing and vacuuming. There may be vibrating floor grills by doors to clean shoes, and electrostatic filters will be installed in entrances to remove dust from clothes with ultrasonic waves.”

—Staff of the
Wall Street Journal, Here Comes Tomorrow!
(1966)

“When [the housewife of 2000] cleans house she simply turns the hose on everything. Why not? Furniture—(upholstery included), rugs, draperies, unscratchable floors—all are made of synthetic fabric or waterproof plastic. After the water has run down a drain in the middle of the floor (later concealed by a rug of synthetic fiber), [she] turns on a blast of hot air and dries everything.”

—Waldemarr Kaempfert,
Popular Mechanics
, 1950

COMMUTING

“[In 2000], commuters will go to the city, a hundred miles away, in huge aerial buses that hold 200 passengers. Hundreds of thousands more will make such journeys twice a day in their own helicopters.”

—Waldemar Kaempfert,
Popular Mechanics
, 1950

“[Commuters will] rent small four-seater capsules such as we find on a ski lift. These capsules will be linked together into little trains that come in to the city. As the train goes out towards the perimeter of the city, the capsule will become an individual unit. One can then drive to wherever he may want to go.”

—Ulrich Frantzen,
Prophecy for the Year 2000

A Seattle executive could commute 300 miles to Los Angeles with ease.
“He might board his reserved-seat air-cushion coach at 8:15 A.M. It would lift off the roadbed, whirl around an ‘acceleration loop’ and plunge into the main tube running from Seattle to San Diego. Little more than half an hour later, the car would peel off onto the ‘deceleration loop’ in downtown Los Angeles. By 9 a.m. the executive would be at his desk.”

—Mitchell Gordon,
Here Comes Tomorrow!
(1966)

THE WORLD OF WORK

“By 2000, the machines will be producing so much that everyone in the U.S. will, in effect, be independently wealthy. With government benefits, even nonworking families will have, by one estimate, an annual income of $30,000-$40,000 (in 1966 dollars). How to use leisure meaningfully will be a major problem.”