Uncle John's Great Big Bathroom Reader (34 page)

In Real Life:
“In 1961,” according to the
Fortean Times
, “the small California seaside resort of Rio del Mar, near Santa Cruz, was bombarded by hordes of crazed birds. They pecked people, smashed into houses or cars, knocked out car headlights, broke windows, chased
people around the streets and staggered around vomiting pieces of anchovy over local lawns. Eight people were nipped.

On Screen:
Two years later, in 1963, director Alfred Hitchcock—who had been living in a nearby town at the time (and had called local newspapers for information)—released
The Birds
, starring Rod Taylor and Tippi Hedren. The film was based partly on a Daphne du Maurier story...and partly the strange occurrence at Rio del Mar.

In Real Life:
In 1936, the small town of Hollister, California, began an annual motorcycle race called the Gypsy Tour. They stopped it in 1947, when 4,000 bikers from a group called the Angelenos showed up for the event, took over the town, and reportedly turned it into a bottle-throwing riot. Photos of the bikers that ran in
Life
magazine shocked the nation. They also shocked some of the witnesses, who said the photos had been faked and the story grossly embellished by reporters.

On Screen:
Whether or not it really happened, the story inspired John Paxton to write the screenplay for the immensely popular 1953 film,
The Wild One
, starring Marlon Brando as “Johnny,” the motorcycle gang leader. It made him a teen/screen idol. In 1997, Hollister tried to resurrect the Gypsy Tour as a nostalgia event.

In Real Life:
Kim Peek’s brain was damaged during fetal development, and it left him with “diminished motor capacities.” His parents had no idea he had any special talents until 1984, when he was thirty-three years old. That’s when a screenwriter named Barry Morrow interviewed him. After the interview, Morrow asked Peek’s father: “Do you know that he knows all the ZIP codes in the United States?” It turned out that Kim could also remember incredibly detailed information about history, sports, geography, and many other subjects.

On Screen:
Morrow used the interviews to write
The Rain Man
, starring Tom Cruise and Dustin Hoffman. The success of the film influenced Peek. For the first time, he felt confident enough to interact with people. He even gave speeches in which he urged tolerance for people who are different.

You can see them in museums or in books—but you won’t see them on the road, because no one makes them anymore. Here’s some info about four automobile legends.

T
HE RICKENBACKER (1922–1927):
One of the first cars named for a celebrity. Before World War I, Eddie Rickenbacker was one of the most famous race car drivers in the United States. After the war he was even more famous as “America’s first hero in the air,” a title he earned by shooting down 26 German airplanes in dogfights. When he returned home, a group of Detroit businessmen backed him in his own car company. Rickenbacker’s cars boasted six-cylinder engines with two flywheels instead of one, which made them among the smoothest-running automobiles on the road.

FATE:
In 1927, huge losses forced the company to close its doors. Ironically, the last Rickenbacker designs were sold to the German automaker Audi; Rickenbacker himself became president of the Indianapolis Speedway.

THE OAKLAND (1908–1931):
An early luxury car manufacturer. It was nearly bankrupt by the second year of its existence, but General Motors saw its potential. They bought it in 1909, and every year from 1910 to 1926, the Oakland was one of the 15 best-selling cars in the country. Its biggest claim to fame was its 1924 “True Blue” model—the first car ever mass-produced that
wasn’t
painted black.

FATE:
Oakland was headquartered in Pontiac, Michigan. In 1926, the division introduced a new, lower-priced car called the Pontiac that quickly overshadowed the Oakland, selling 140,000 cars in 1927 to Oakland’s 50,000. GM discontinued the Oakland in 1931 and renamed the division Pontiac in 1933.

THE HUPMOBILE (1908–1930s):
Founded by Robert C. Hupp, who was quickly recognized as one of the most gifted auto-makers of his day. “I recall looking at Bobby Hupp’s roadster at the first show
where it was exhibited,” Henry Ford remarked years later, “and wondering whether we could ever build as good a small car for as little money.” The company’s most famous design was its 1934 model—one of the first ever designed with aerodynamics in mind.

Fate:
Hupmobile had reliable sales until it moved upmarket, building larger, more luxurious cars to earn higher profits. The strategy backfired during the Great Depression, when auto industry sales plunged more than 75%. Hupmobile never fully recovered, and in 1940 it abandoned automaking altogether, diversifying into electronics, auto parts, kitchen appliances, and other businesses.

(
Note:
In an earlier edition, we reported that the cars on the back of the $10 bill were Hupmobiles, but according to the U.S. Treasury, they’re actually a composite of the automobiles available in 1927.)

THE MAXWELL
(1904–1925): In 1903, John Maxwell designed his own automobile and joined with Benjamin Briscoe, owner of a sheet metal plant in Detroit, to form the Maxwell-Briscoe Motor Company. Briscoe hoped to become a major player in the auto industry. He copied General Motors, forming a holding company and buying other car companies, but for him, the strategy didn’t work. His United States Motor Company bought up 150 different automakers...and then, in 1912, went belly-up. The Maxwell Motor Company managed to stay afloat until 1920, but by then it was $35 million in debt and there were more than 26,000 unsold Maxwells gathering dust in warehouses all over the country.

Fate:
In 1921, the bankers who controlled Maxwell hired Walter P. Chrysler, a former president of Buick who’d developed a reputation as a “doctor” for sick companies, to turn Maxwell around. Chrysler wasted no time—he sold off the 26,000 Maxwells by slashing prices to $5 over cost; then he used the money to engineer a new car he named the “Good Maxwell,” to counter consumer fears that Maxwells weren’t well-built. Somehow, it worked—Maxwell sold nearly 49,000 cars in 1922 and earned more than $2 million in profits.

In 1924, Chrysler introduced the Chrysler Six, Maxwell’s first six-cylinder car. It sold so well that Chrysler discontinued the Maxwell models the following year, and on June 6,1925 reorganized Maxwell as the Chrysler Corporation.

It may be hard to believe, but these recordings are real. We guarantee it. Who made them...and why? We’ll never know. Some mysteries are beyond human understanding.

T
HE WORLD’S WORST RECORDINGS

“Music to Make Automobiles By”

Volkswagen made this recording “to inspire their workers.” It features the exciting sounds of an auto assembly line, backed with an orchestra. (We mentioned this in the
Giant BR
, but it really does belong here too.)

“Granny’s Mini-skirt”

A bluegrass “rap” song from Irene Ryan, who played Granny on
The Beverly Hillbillies.
According to the lyrics, she decided to learn to Twist and Jerk, and started wearing a mini-skirt. Only trouble is, the sight of her knobby knees is makin’ ol’ Grandpa sick.

“Buddy Ebsen Says Howdy in Song and Story”

Another atrocity from a
Beverly Hillbillies
alumnus.
Critic’s comment:
“Jed Clampett goes a-shootin’ at some tunes, and up from his throat comes a-bubblin’ crud.”

“Elvis’ Greatest S–t”

A bootleg album on the Dog Vomit label, with the
National Enquirer
shot of Elvis in his coffin on the front cover. It contains the absolute worst of Elvis Presley. Tracks include: “Old McDonald Had a Farm,” “Song of the Shrimp,” “Fort Lauderdale Chamber of Commerce,” and “Dominic the Impotent Bull.”

“Sound Effect of Godzilla One”
(Japanese import)

Critic’s comment:
“You can drop the needle anywhere and basically you’ll hear Godzilla going ‘Rarr...Rarr.’ That’s it.”

“Sound Effects: U.S. Air Force Firepower”

Stuart Swezey, who actually owns a copy of this one, says, “[It has]
tracks like ‘Mass napalm attack by F-100s’ and ‘Psychological warfare, public address from C-47,’ where they announce [with helicopter sounds in the background] ‘Clear the village! We are about to strafe and bomb it!’”

“Laverne & Shirley Sing!”

According to the authors of
Hollywood Hi-Fi
, “An entire album of early ’60s girl group tunes, as interpreted by Cindy Williams (who can almost carry a tune) and Penny Marshall (who sounds like a lovelorn goose honking for a mate). Since they are shown on the cover eating Popsicles, a more accurate title might’ve been
Laverne and Shirley Suck.
”

“Bobby Breaux and the Pot-Bellied Pig”

Drummer Bobby Breaux collaborated with a 450-lb boar named Rebel after noticing he grunted in tunes. Features “Amazing Grease” and “Hava Nasquela.” Breaux backed the pig up on drums and synthesizer.

“The Sound of Combat Training”

Recorded live at the United States Army Training Center, Fort Knox, Kentucky. Tracks include: “Innoculation,” “Mess Hall,” and “Gas Chamber Exercise.”

“The Crepitation Contest” (The Power of Positive Stinking)

A whole album of nothing but farting. From the liner notes: “If you put your fingers in your ears, you can’t hold your nose. If you hold your nose, you’ll have to listen....”

NORAD Tracks Santa

A Cold War classic recorded in 1962. NORAD’s (North American Air Defense) job was to protect us from enemy air attack. According to Ken Sitz, who owns a copy: “Interspersed with standard Christmas music are NORAD reports on Santa Claus—basically, whether or not he’s going to be shot down!”

And don’t miss...
“Muhammed Ali Fights Mr. Tooth Decay: A Beautiful Children’s Story.”

More irony to put the problems of your day-to-day life in proper perspective.

B
UREAUCRATIC IRONY

• In 1974, the Consumer Product Safety Commission ordered 80,000 buttons promoting toy safety. They said: “For Kids’ Sake, Think Toy Safety.” The buttons were recalled when the agency found out they had “sharp edges, parts a child could swallow, and were coated with toxic lead paint.”

• “The town council of Winchester, Indiana, passed an anti-pornography law, but the editors of the town’s only newspaper refused to publish it on the grounds that the statute itself was pornographic. Unfortunately, a law does not take effect in Winchester until it has been published in the newspaper.” (
Fenton and Fowler
)

• When the public clamored for campaign finance reform, a columnist in
USA Today
reported that Republicans favored “a let-the-good-times-roll proposal that would eliminate all contribution limits....This bill is called the (I’m not making this up) Doolittle Bill, named for its sponsor, California GOP Rep. John Doolittle.” (
USA Today
, October 1, 1997)

• Shortly after passing a bill that prohibited pornography on the Internet, the House of Representatives released the Starr Report...on the Internet.

IRONIC APPEARANCES

• “On the night of September 20, 1996, author Bertil Torekul gave a lecture to an audience of 300 in the Stifts-och Landsbibliotek Library in Linkoping, Sweden. He spoke about...book-burning. The fire alarm sounded about a minute after he finished his speech. The Linkoping library burned to the ground.” (
Fortean Times
)

• “After the world premiere at England’s Leeds Playhouse of
The Winter Guest
, a play featuring a community cut off by a blizzard, the audience found themselves snowbound and were put up for the night in the theater.” (
Fortean Times
)

IRONIC FIRES

• In 1613, the town of Quimper, France, was burned down by its fire equipment. The fire started in a canvas fire bucket. (
Ripley’s Believe It Or Not
)

• “To warn the public about Fourth of July brush fires, sheriff’s deputies and firefighters gathered at a remote bomb-disposal range outside San Diego to blow up thousands of illegal fireworks for the news media. Sparks from the demonstration fell onto a nearby hill, causing a ten-acre brush fire that required 50 firefighters, two water-dropping helicopters and a bulldozer to extinguish.” (
Dumb, Dumber and Dumbest
)