Uncle John's Great Big Bathroom Reader (35 page)

• On December 31, 1903, the Iroquois Theater in Chicago burned down. Thirty days earlier, it had opened with much fanfare as the “World’s First Fireproof Theater.”

IRONIC DEATHS

• Dr. Alice Chase, who wrote
Nutrition for Health
and other books on the science of proper eating, died recently...of malnutrition. (
Fenton and Fowler
)

• “Dr. Stuart M. Berger, an author of best-selling diet and health books who contended that his weight-loss programs would result in increased longevity, died on February 23, 1994. At the time, he was 40 years old and weighed 365 pounds.” (
Dumb, Dumber, and Dumbest
)

• “The famous physician, Semmelweis, who fought against operating room contamination by unclean doctors, died of an infection caused by cutting his hand with dirty dissection instruments.” (
Oops
)

• J. I. Rodale, publisher of books on health and nutrition, appeared on
The Dick Cavett Show
in 1971, when he was 72 years old, and predicted he would live to be 100. Later in the show, Cavett noticed Rodale appeared to have fallen asleep. Actually, he was dead.

DELICIOUS IRONY

• “In 1996, a landslide near Los Angeles broke a sewer line and sent tons of human waste into the Pacific Ocean, closing the stretch of beach where the TV show ‘Baywatch’ was filmed.” (From news services.)

For years, the BRI has had a file full of lists. We’ve never been sure what to do with them...until now.

5 FILMS THAT FEATURE FARTS

1.
Airplane!
The pilot is affected by mild food poisoning.

2.
Blazing Saddles.
Bean-eating cowboys toot up a storm by the old campfire.

3.
Amadeus.
Mozart rips one mockingly after caricaturing Salieri at the piano.

4.
Le Grande Bouffe.
A character farts himself to death.

5.
Fanny and Alexander.
Uncle Karlchen astonishes children by blowing out candles.

—From
The Research Book of Bodily functions

THE 7 DEADLIEST DOGS

1.
Pit bull

2.
German shepherd

3.
Chow

4.
Malamute

5.
Husky

6.
Wolf hybrid

7.
Akita

6 WORDS YOUR DIGITAL CLOCK CAN SPELL

1.
ZOO (2:00)

2.
S.O.S. (5:05)

3.
SOB (5:08)

4.
SIS (5:15)

5.
BOO (8:00)

6.
BOB (8:08)

7 LAWS OF TV

1.
The hero will always find a parking space.

2.
Police never wait for backup.

3.
If a woman is running away from someone, she will trip and fall.

4.
Cars will explode in all accidents, no matter how slight.

5.
Haunted houses are never locked.

6.
If a hero jumps hundreds of feet into water, it will always be deep enough.

7.
Nobody on TV has time to watch TV.

—From
Reader’s Digest

6 THINGS THE AVERAGE RAT CAN DO

1.
Wriggle through a hole no larger than the diameter of a quarter.

2.
Scale a brick wall as though it had rungs.

3.
Swim a half mile and tread water for 3 days.

4.
Gnaw through lead pipes and cinder blocks

5.
Multiply so fast, a pair could have 15,000 descendants in a year.

6.
Plummet five stories to the ground and scurry off unharmed.

—From
Hodge Podge

4 GRAFFITI FROM GRACELAND

1.
Elvis, no matter where you go, there you are.

2.
Elvis, I’m having your baby 29 Sept.’91.

3.
Elvis, can I use your bathroom?

4.
Elvis, you came, you saw, you conquered, you croaked.

How quickly we forget. The S&L scandal was the biggest rip-off in U.S. history—it cost every family several lifetimes’ worth of wages. But have you heard about it in the news lately? To help combat “national amnesia,” we’ve decided to include this S&L “Rogues’ Gallery.” Here are the stories of some of the conspirators who made the S&L scandal possible, from
It’s a Conspiracy..
.by the National Insecurity Council.

B
ACKGROUND
S&Ls were traditionally one of the sleepiest sectors of the financial world; until the early 1980s, they took in the savings of middle-class depositors and lent them out as home mortgages to members of the community. Federal laws and regulations prevented S&Ls from doing much else. They didn’t pay high interest, but their deposits were safe because they were insured by the federal government.

Then, in 1982, came deregulation. Suddenly, S&L executives were free to lend money to whomever they wanted (even to themselves) and could spend it on whatever investments they pleased—no matter how risky.

Free from regulatory oversight, many S&Ls were bought up by real estate speculators, corrupt business people, and even the Mafia. The new owners spent depositors’ money on exorbitant salaries, multimillion-dollar loans to their friends, wild parties, wildcat real estate deals, junk bonds, and other high-risk ventures. They didn’t care if the S&Ls lost money: The deposits were insured, and the executives pocketed a huge transaction fee every time they made a loan—whether or not the loan was ever paid off.

Within two years of deregulation, however, the S&L industry was broke. In 1980, the industry was worth $32 billion; by 1982, it was worth less than $4 billion and falling fast; by 1990 it was more than $500 billion in the red—and guess who paid for it?

Here are a few of the conspirators who stuck you with the bill for their multibillion-dollar spending spree:

CHARLES KEATING
, Lincoln Savings and Loan (Irvine, California)

Highlights:
In 1984, Keating bought Lincoln Savings and Loan with cash he made with Michael Milken’s junk bonds, “fired senior staff, and hired a slick crew of salespeople to push his worthless paper on elderly Southern Californians.” He falsely claimed his bonds were guaranteed by the federal government and instructed his sales staff to focus on the “weak, meek, and ignorant. [They’re] always good targets.” (
Inside Job
)

Outcome:
Within five years, Keating—and 11 of his relatives on the staff, who received more than $34 million in salaries and other perks—had run Lincoln into the ground. When Lincoln crashed in 1989, it lost the $230 million that had been invested in the bonds by some 23,000 people, most of them seniors. At least one of the victims (an 89-year-old who wrote, “There’s nothing left for me”) committed suicide. Lincoln’s end would have come much sooner, were it not for the help of “the Keating Five,” U.S. Senators Cranston, DeConcini, Glenn, Riegle, and McCain, who pressured regulators to leave Lincoln alone. Their payoff was more than $1.3 million in campaign and other contributions. By the time regulators finally seized Lincoln in 1989, the bailout cost taxpayers $2.5 billion. Keating was sentenced to ten years in prison.

EDWIN “FAST EDDIE” McBIRNEY
, Sunbelt Savings and Loan (Dallas, Texas)

Highlights:
McBirney liked to spend Sunbelt’s deposits entertaining business associates at a palatial suite at the Las Vegas Dunes. He flew them into town on a private 727 and provided them with prostitutes. At one lavish party, he fed his guests broiled lion and antelope; at a Halloween fiesta, he had a warehouse decorated as an African jungle and hired a magician to make an elephant disappear. McBirney also owned seven airplanes.

Outcome:
Sunbelt collapsed, and in the summer of 1990, the FSLIC sued McBirney for $500 million. He later pled guilty to four counts of bank fraud and tax evasion. The bailout of Sunbelt was estimated to cost taxpayers $1.7 billion.

DUAYNE CHRISTIANSEN
, North American Savings and Loan (Santa Ana, California)

Highlights:
Christiansen, a dentist who began wearing all-white suits after he bought North American, spent an enormous amount of depositors’ money decorating his office: it was made completely of marble (including the desk), and the entrance boasted 14-foot-high copper doors.

Outcome:
Christiansen was killed in a mysterious car accident in June 1988—the day before regulators seized North American Savings and Loan. In broad daylight, he drove his Jaguar into a freeway abutment. Three days earlier he had rewritten his will, leaving everything to his girlfriend. Regulators estimate that he looted more than $40 million from North American; the money was not recovered. North American’s bailout was estimated to cost taxpayers $209 million. (
Inside Job
)

DONALD P. MANGANO and JOHN L. MOLINARO
, Ramona Savings and Loan (Ramona, California)

Highlights:
Some of Ramona’s deposits were used to finance condos built by Mangano’s construction company and carpeted by Molinaro’s carpet store. Another portion of the depositors’ funds was kept in the trunk of a car parked behind the S&L. According to one report, when regulators seized Ramona, they discovered an office with a fake wall and, behind that, “a secret passageway leading to the basement. From there it connected to a tunnel at the end of which, they said, was an alley behind the bank and a car packed with food, cash, and guns.” Investigators speculate that Mangano and Molinaro were taking precautions in case of a lightning raid by federal regulators. When FBI agents caught Molinaro “trying to get to the Cayman Islands on a dead man’s passport,” he told them “he had deposited $3 million in First Cayman Bank.” (
Inside Job
)

Outcome:
Ramona collapsed in 1986, more than $70 million in debt. The feds estimate that the two men alone looted more than $24 million from the S&L.

ERWIN HANSEN
, Centennial Savings (Guerneville, California)

Highlights:
Hansen invested a considerable amount of the S&L’s
money on his offices, including $48,000 on a desk and $98,000 on other decorations. He also liked cars. He bought a $77,000 Mercedes stretch limousine for Centennial and in one afternoon alone bought five cars for himself and his family. But his larger extravagance was The Stonehouse, an old stone building he refurbished into a $2 million corporate headquarters—only to abandon it after four months. He complained that the building was too cold and said, “It reminded me of a mortuary.” (
Inside Job
)

Outcome:
Centennial collapsed in August, 1985; Hansen died mysteriously two years later—one day before he was scheduled to begin cooperating with the Justice Department against other Centennial officials. The coroner ruled that he died from a cerebral aneurysm. Centennial’s bailout was estimated to cost taxpayers as much as $165 million.

DON DIXON
, Vernon Savings and Loan (Vernon, Texas)

Highlights:
Dixon used Vernon depositors’ money to buy a $2 million Swiss chalet, a $1 million San Diego beach house, a fleet of airplanes, a Rolls Royce/Ferrari dealership, and a $40,000 painting he eventually gave to Pope John Paul II. Dixon also bought the sister ship of the presidential yacht
Sequoia
, which he anchored in Washington, D.C., and used to entertain politicians.

Outcome:
Vernon collapsed in 1987, with more than 97% of its loans in default. Convicted on twenty-three counts of fraud and “misapplication of funds,” Dixon was sentenced to five years in prison. Cost to taxpayers: $1.3 billion. (
Savings & Loan Scandal Trading Cards
)

RECOMMENDED READING

•
Savings & Loan Scandal Trading Cards
, by Dennis Bernstein and Laura Sydell (Eclipse Enterprises, Forestville, California)

•
Inside Job: The Looting of America’s Savings and Loans
, by Stephen Pizzo, Mary Fricker, and Paul Muolo (HarperCollins, 1991)

Here are more origins of everyday phrases.

C
LOSE, BUT NO CIGAR

Meaning:
Nice try, but not quite!

Origin:
“In the old-time fair or carnival, local lads were invited to exhibit their strength or skill by throwing baseballs at targets, pounding with a mallet to raise a weight, and so on—and the prize was a cigar. Since these devices were almost always rigged, the ambitious youths seldom won. The concessionaire would encourage them to further efforts (at a nickel a time) with, ‘Close, but no cigar!’” (From
Loose Cannons and Red Herrings
, by Robert Claiborne)