Uncle John’s Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader (20 page)

Read Uncle John’s Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader Online

Authors: Bathroom Readers' Institute

BOOK: Uncle John’s Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader

12.39Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub

How to Win:
In many cases, winning is impossible. During a trial, one carny testified that she’d never had one winner in 365,000 plays over five and a half years—despite the fact the game was frequented by U.S. naval personnel with experience in shooting guns.

The Booth:
“The Milk Can”

The Object:
Toss a softball into a 10-gallon milk can.

How It’s Rigged:
Most carnival cans aren’t ordinary dairy cans. For the midway game, a concave piece of steel is welded to the rim of the can’s opening, reducing the size of the hole the ball must travel through to anything from 6-½ inches down to 4-
inches in diameter.

• At one game played at a state fair in 1987, there were 15 wins out of a total of 1,279 tries—one win for every 86 balls thrown.

How to Win:
Carnies say the best way to win is to give the ball a backspin and try to hit the back edge of the can.

• Another way: Toss the ball as high as you can, so that it drops straight into the hole. This isn’t always easy; operators often hang prizes from the rafters of the booth to make high tosses difficult.

There are an estimated 508,000 metric tons of tea in China.

THEY WENT
THAT-A-WAY

Malcolm Forbes wrote a fascinating book about the deaths of famous people. Here are some of the weirdest stories he found.

F
RANCIS BACON

Claim to Fame:
One of the great minds of the late 16th century. A statesman, philosopher, writer, and scientist. Some people believe he’s the real author of Shakespeare’s plays (see
page 123)
.

How He Died:
Stuffing snow into a chicken.

Postmortem:
One afternoon in 1625, Bacon was watching a snowstorm. He began wondering if snow might be as good a meat preservative as salt...and decided to find out. With a friend, he rode through the storm to a nearby peasant’s cottage, bought a chicken, and had it butchered. Then, standing outside in the cold, he stuffed the chicken with snow to freeze it. The chicken never froze, but Bacon did. He caught a serious chill and never recovered. He died from bronchitis a few weeks later.

WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON

Claim to Fame:
Ninth president of the United States; elected in 1841 at the age of 67.

How He Died:
Pneumonia.

Postmortem:
Harrison’s advanced age had been an issue in his race against incumbent president Martin van Buren. Perhaps because of this—to demonstrate his strength—he rode on horseback in his inaugural parade without a hat, gloves, or overcoat. Then he stood outside in the snow for more than one and a half hours, delivering his inaugural address.

The experience weakened him, and a few weeks later he caught pneumonia. Within a week he was delirious, and on April 4—just one month after his inauguration—he died. He served in office long enough to keep only one campaign promise: not to run for a second term.

Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip of Great Britain are 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th cousins.

AESCHYLUS

Claim to Fame:
Greek playwright in 500 B.C. Many historians consider him the father of Greek tragedies.

How He Died:
An eagle dropped a tortoise on his head.

Postmortem:
According to legend, an eagle was trying to crack open a tortoise by dropping it on a hard rock. It mistook Aeschylus’s head (he was bald) for a rock and dropped it on him instead.

TYCHO BRAHE

Claim to Fame:
An important Danish astronomer of the 16th century. His groundbreaking research enabled Sir Isaac Newton to come up with the theory of gravity.

How He Died:
Didn’t get to the bathroom on time.

Postmortem:
In the 16th century, it was considered an insult to leave a banquet table before the meal was over. Brahe, known to drink excessively, had a bladder condition—but failed to relieve himself before the feast started. He made matters worse by drinking too much at the dinner, but was too polite to ask to be excused. His bladder finally burst, killing him slowly and painfully over the next 11 days.

JEROME IRVING RODALE

Claim to Fame:
Founding father of the organic food movement, creator of
Organic Farming and Gardening
magazine. Founded Rodale Press, a major publishing company.

How He Died:
On the “Dick Cavett Show,” while discussing the health benefits of organic food.

Postmortem:
Rodale, who bragged, “I’m going to live to 100 unless I’m run down by a sugar-crazed taxi-driver,” was only 72 when he appeared on the “Dick Cavett Show” in January 1971. Partway through the interview, he dropped dead in his chair. Cause of death: a heart attack. The show was never aired.

ATTILA THE HUN

Claim to Fame:
One of the most notorious villains in history. By 450 A.D., his 500,000-man army conquered all of Asia—from Mongolia to the edge of the Russian empires—by destroying villages and pillaging the countryside.

Uh-oh: 23% of Americans believe the president can suspend the Bill of Rights during wartime.

How He Died:
He got a nosebleed on his wedding night.

Postmortem:
In 453 Attila married a young girl named Ildico. Despite his reputation for ferocity on the battlefield, he tended to eat and drink lightly during large banquets. But on his wedding night he really cut loose, gorging himself on food and drink. Sometime during the night he suffered a nosebleed, but was too drunk to notice. He drowned in his own blood and was found dead the next morning.

JIM FIXX

Claim to Fame:
Author of the bestselling Complete
Book of Running
, which started the jogging craze of the 1970s.

How He Died:
A heart attack...while jogging.

Postmortem:
Fixx was visiting Greensboro, Vermont. He walked out of his house and began jogging. He’d only gone a short distance when he had a massive coronary. His autopsy revealed that one of his coronary arteries was 99% clogged, another was 80% obstructed, and a third was 70% blocked—and that Fixx had had three other heart attacks in the weeks prior to his death (when he’d competed in 12-mile and 5-mile races).

HORACE WELLS

Claim to Fame:
Pioneered the use of anaesthesia in the 1840s.

How He Died:
Used anaesthetics to commit suicide.

Postmortem:
While experimenting with various gases during his anaesthesia research, Wells became addicted to chloroform. In 1848 he was arrested for splashing sulfuric acid on two women outside his home. In a letter he wrote from jail, he blamed chloroform for his problems, claiming he’d gotten high before the attack. Four days later he was found dead in his cell. He’d anaesthetized himself with chloroform, then slashed open his thigh with a razor.

And Now for Something Completely Different

• Elvis Presley was a big Monty Python fan; he saw
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
at least five times.

• The King’s favorite board games were Monopoly and Scrabble. Neutrogena was his favorite soap.

Memo to Uncle Walt: The original Cinderella was Egyptian and wore fur slippers.

THE ELVIS SIDESHOW

Hurry, hurry, step right up! See the amazing Elvis freaks!

R
ichard Tweddell III.
Inventor of the Elvis Vegiform, a plastic garden mold that fits over young vegetables and gets them to grow into the shape of the King. He says, “[Elvis-shaped] vegetables are more weighty, and the flavor is enhanced.”

Nicholas “S&L-vis” D’Ambra.
An Elvis impersonator with a social conscience. “S&L-vis” takes on the savings and loan scandal with songs like “Tax-break Hotel.” Sample lyrics: “The deal the bank board gave them; was too good to be true; for every dollar they put in there; there’s 15 from you.”

“Major” Bill Smith.
Believes the King is still alive and claims to have regular phone conversations with him. Smith, a 68-year-old Texan, is a religious man; he sees Elvis as a sort of mini-messiah: “Elvis is coming back in the spirit of Elijah.... Praise God, he’s coming back....This thing’s about to bust right open.” He has devoted his life to paving the way for the Second Coming of Elvis, which he considers the Lord’s work. “Like Elvis told me, ‘I’m walkin’ the line God has drawn for me.’ It’s what the Holy Spirit told me to do.”

Peter Singh.
A Sikh living in Wales, England, he croons Elvis hits, Indian-style, to customers at his pub. Favorites include “Who’s Sari Now,” “My Popadum Told Me,” and “Singh, Singh, Singh.”

Uri Yoali.
An Israeli Arab, owner of a roadside diner called The Elvis Inn, located in the Holy Land just 7,000 miles from Memphis. “It’s not just for tourists,” Yoali says, “Elvis is my life.” The diner is decorated with 728 pictures and posters of the King. It boasts a 12-foot, 500-pound, epoxy-and-plaster likeness of Presley outside its entrance. “I’ve always dreamed of seeing Elvis big,” Yoali says, “In my mind he is so large, bigger even than this.”

Danny Uwnawich.
Owner of Melodyland, a small, three-bedroom version of Graceland in California’s San Fernando Valley. Highlight: A white wrought-iron gate. Like the gate at Graceland, it’s shaped like an open music book. According to Uwnawich, “The only people who have those gates is me and Him.”

A strong bolt of lightning can contain as much as 100 million volts of electricity.

COWBOY TALK

Well, Hoss, maybe you can’t be a cowboy, but you can still talk like one. Here are a few phrases to practice. Save ’em until you can find a way to use ’em in conversation. And smile when you say them, son.

“He’s crooked enough to sleep on a corkscrew”:
He’s dishonest.

“Raised on prunes and proverbs”:
A religious person.

“Coffin varnish”:
Whiskey.

“Fat as a well-fed needle”:
Poor.

“Deceitful beans”:
Beans that give you gas. (They talk behind your back.)

“Got a pill in his stomach that he can’t digest”:
Shot dead.

“She’s like a turkey gobbler in a hen pen”:
She’s proud.

“He’s like a breedin’ jackass in a tin barn”:
He’s noisy.

“Fryin’ size but plumb salty”:
A senior citizen.

“Quicker ’n you can spit ’n holler ‘Howdy!’”:
Very fast.

“Studying to be a half-wit”:
Stupid or crazy.

“Built like a snake on stilts”:
Tall.