Uncle John’s Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader (17 page)

MAD HATTER

If your friend wears a favorite hat, find out the manufacturer and buy two or more others of varying sizes. Then periodically switch them with your friend’s hat. He’ll be convinced his head is changing sizes. (Another hat trick: Fill your victim’s hat with baby powder.)

AT A WEDDING

If you’re a close friend of the groom, paint a message on the sole of his shoes (the raised part near the heel that doesn’t touch the ground) without telling him. When he kneels at the altar, the message will be visible for everyone to see.

PARK PLACE

The next time you’re walking through a crowded parking lot, pull out your car keys and act as if you’re looking for your car. Walk in between cars across the rows; motorists looking for a parking space will race to keep up with you.

PARTY IDEA

Using superglue, glue someone’s drink to the bar or to a table.

WAKE UP CALL

Gather as many alarm clocks as you can find and hide them in different places in your victim’s room. Set one alarm so it goes off very early in the morning, and set the others so they go off every five minutes afterward. Guaranteed to make your victim an early riser.

There are approximately 720 peanuts in every pound of peanut butter.

Were there really rowdy rockers in 1956 at Bill Haley and the Comets concerts? Did DJs really accuse him of being “a menace to life, limb, decency, and morals”? Believe it or not, they did. By the mid-1950s, parents were already sure rock ’n’ roll had ruined their kids.

TEENS RIOT IN MASSACHUSETTS
Boston, Mass., March 26, 1956 (Wire service report)

“Record hops by disc jockeys featuring ‘rock and roll’ tunes were banned in Boston today after a riot at Massachusetts Institute of Technology’s annual charity carnival.

“The disturbance involved nearly 3,000 students. It began when hundreds of teenagers who paid the 99¢ admission fee to see WCOP disc jockey Bill Marlowe discovered the carnival wasn’t a record hop, and they couldn’t dance.

“More than 20 officers were summoned to the scene, but they were unable to cope with the surging mob of teenagers who overturned booths, smashed records, and battled M.I.T. students who tried to keep order.

“‘Some of that music is crazy,’ commented Mary Driscoll of the Boston licensing board. ‘Teenagers have no business listening to disc jockeys at 12:00 at night. The way they’re going, they’ll have high blood pressure before they’re 20.’”

WASHINGTON MELEE

Newsweek,
June 18, 1956

“Even before the joint began to jump, there was trouble at the National Guard Armory in Washington, D.C. As 5,000 people, mostly teenagers, poured in for some rock’n’roll, knives flashed and one young man was cut in the arm. Inside the auditorium, 25 officers waited tensely for Bill Haley and his Comets to swing into the ‘big beat.’

“Haley gave the downbeat, the brasses blared, and kids leaped into the aisles to dance, only to be chased back to their seats by the cops. At 10:50, the Comets socked into their latest hit, ‘Hot Dog, Buddy, Buddy!’ and the crowd flipped.

“Some of the kids danced, some scuffled, fights broke out, a chair flew. William Warfield, 17, a high school junior, was hit. Suffering from a concussion and a severe cut over one eye, he was rushed to the hospital. ‘Before I knew it, everybody was pounding everybody,’ he said later.

Most of the villains in the Bible have red hair.

“The fight overflowed into the street. A 19-year-old was struck over the head, and a 16-year-old was cut in the ear. Two cars were stoned and one exuberant teenager turned in a false alarm.

“‘It’s the jungle strain that gets ’em all worked up,’ said Armory manager Arthur (Dutch) Bergman, surveying the damage.”

THEATER ATTACKED

Hartford, Conn., March 28, 1956
“Hartford police have instituted action to revoke the license of the State Theater, as a result of a series of riots during rock’n’roll shows. The latest took place this weekend during performances of an Alan Freed show.

“The 4,000-seat theater has had five police riot calls since last November. Over this past weekend alone, a total of 11 people were arrested. Practically all arrests have been teenagers.”

ROCK, ROLL, AND RIOT

Time,
June 18, 1956
“In Hartford city officials held special meetings to discuss it....In Minneapolis a theater manager withdrew a film featuring the music after a gang of youngsters left the theater, snake-danced around town and smashed windows....At a wild concert in Atlanta’s baseball park one night, fists and beer bottles were thrown, and four youngsters were arrested.

“The object of all this attention is a musical style known as ‘rock’n’roll,’ which has captivated U.S. adolescents.

“Characterisics: an unrelenting syncopation that sounds like a bullwhip; a choleric saxophone honking mating-call sounds; an electric guitar turned up so loud that its sound shatters and splits; a vocal group that shudders and exercises violently to the beat while roughly chanting either a near-nonsense phrase or a moronic lyric in hillbilly rhythm....

“Psychologists feel that rock’n’roll’s appeal is to teenagers’ need to belong; [in concert], the results bear passing resemblance to Hitler mass meetings.”

QUEEN SCREENS

Scholastic Magazine,
Oct. 4, 1956

“In England, over 100 youths were arrested in ‘rock and roll’ riots that broke out during showing of a ‘rock and roll’ film. Queen Elizabeth II, disturbed by the growing number of such arrests, has scheduled a private screening of the film at her palace for official study.”

Termites can’t hear.

Wit and wisdom from Oscar Wilde, one of the 19th century’s most popular—and controversial—writers.

“The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.”

“It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.”

“The soul is born old but grows young. That is the comedy of life. And the body is born young and grows old. That is life’s tragedy.”

“Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow.”

“Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them. Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.”

“There’s no sin...except stupidity.”

“Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.”

“Formerly we used to canonize our heroes. The modern method is to vulgarize them. Cheap editions of great books may be delightful, but cheap editions of great men are absolutely detestable.”

“All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That’s his.”

“Society often forgives the criminal; it never forgives the dreamer.”

“It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly.”

“The only portraits in which one believes are portraits where there is very little of the sitter and a very great deal of the artist.”

“The youth of America is their oldest tradition. It has been going on now for three hundred years.”

“One should always play fairly—when one has the winning cards.”

“Discontent is the first step in the progress of a man or a nation.”

“The well-bred contradict other people. The wise contradict themselves.”

The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, Elvis Presley.

Most cultures have a tradition that predicts the end of the world... and many of their prophecies could apply to our era. The good news is that they’re not all fire and brimstone. Here are three examples from Eastern cultures, reprinted from
Uncle John’s Indispensable Guide to the Year 2000.

B
UDDHISM

Background:
Founded in the sixth century B.C. in India. One of its primary teachings is observance of the 10 moral precepts (standards of conduct).

Signs the End Is Near:
According to the Buddha in the
Suttapitaka
(Buddhist scriptures and sermons):

• The 10 moral courses of conduct will disappear...and people will follow the 10
immoral
courses instead—“theft, violence, murder, lying, evil-speaking, adultery, abusive and idle talk, covetousness and ill will, wanton greed, and perverted lust.” Poverty “will grow great.”

• “The Dharma [universal law, or truth] will have disappeared from the world...as a counterfeit Dharma arises.”

When the World Ends:
Good news! A new Buddha “by the name Maitreya” will arise. This new Buddha will “replace the counterfeit Dharma of materialism and selfishness...and give new teachings to solve the social problems of the world.”

ZOROASTRIANISM

Background:
A Persian religion based on the belief that the universe is filled with good and evil spirits. There will be an ultimate battle between these forces, and evil will be eliminated.

Signs the End Is Near:
The
Zand-i Vohuman Yasht
predicts:

• “(At the) end of thy tenth hundredth winter...the sun is more unseen and more spotted; the year, month, and day are shorter; and the earth is more barren; and the crop will not yield the seed; and men...become more deceitful and more given to vile practices; they have no gratitude.”

In the novel
Frankenstein
, the monster’s name was Adam.

• “Honorable wealth will all proceed to those of perverted faith...and a dark cloud makes the whole sky night...and [it will rain] more noxious creatures than water.”

When the World Ends:
Saoshyant, the Man of Peace, comes to battle the forces of evil. “The resurrection of the dead will take place—the dead will rise...the world will be purged by molten metal, in which the righteous will wade as if through warm milk, and the evil will be scalded.”

At the end of the battle, the Final Judgment of all souls begins. Sinners will be punished (apparently for 3 days), then forgiven, and humanity will be made immortal and free from hunger, thirst, poverty, old age, disease, and death. The world “will be made perfect once again.”

HINDUISM

Background:
“Hindu” is a Western term for the religious beliefs of numerous sects in India dating back to 1500 B.C. Their goal: “liberation from the cycle of rebirth and suffering.”

Signs the End Is Near:
The world falls into chaos and degradation; there’s an increase in perversity, greed, conflict. According to Cornelia Dimmit’s translation of the
Sanskrit PurAnas:

• “When deceit, falsehood, lethargy, sleepiness, violence, despondency, grief, delusion, fear, and poverty prevail...when men, filled with conceit, consider themselves equal with Brahmins...that is the
Kali Yuga
[present era].”

When the World Ends:
A savior (avatar) will appear. “The Lord will again manifest Himself as the Kalki Avatar...He will establish righteousness upon the earth and the minds of the people will become pure as crystal....As a result the Sat or Krta Yuga [golden age] will be established.”

“I am confident that [in 2000] the Republican Party will pick a nominee that will beat Bill Clinton.”

—
Dan Quayle
, 1998

“The Munsters” was created by the same people who created “Leave It to Beaver.”

For your bathroom reading pleasure: 10 facts you don’t know about classic TV themes, from John Javna’s
TV Theme Song Sing-Along Songbook.

J
UST THE FACTS

The first TV theme ever to become a Top 40 hit was the theme from “Dragnet.” It was recorded by band leader Ray Anthony as “The Dragnet March” in 1953 and reached #3 on the national charts. At the time, “Dragnet” was the second-most popular TV program in America, behind “I Love Lucy.”

HEY LOOOSY!

The theme song from “I Love Lucy” was also released as a single in 1953. But despite the fact that “Lucy” was the #1 program on TV at the time, the record flopped—perhaps because America knew it as an instrumental, and this version had
lyrics
. Desi Arnaz had commissioned Oscar-winner Harold Adamson to write words to the song (“I love Lucy, and she loves me / We’re as happy as two can be”), and then sang it on the air. Arnaz and Columbia Records thought they had a sure smash, but America wasn’t buying. It wasn’t until 24 years later—20 years after “Lucy” had gone off the air—that it finally made the charts...as a
disco song
. (Performed by the Wilton Place Band, it reached #24 in 1977.)

THAT’S TER-R-RIBLE, WILBUR-R-R

The “Mr. Ed” theme song (“A horse is a horse, of course, of course”) is one of the all-time classics. But for the strangest of reasons, it was almost dumped before the show aired.

To save money, the music for the “Mr. Ed” pilot episode was done in Italy...and the Italians who scored the show picked an opera singer to perform the theme song. His version was so bad that the show’s producers planned to replace the whole song. “They thought it was the song, not the singer,” explains the theme’s composer, Jay Livingston. To prove the song was usable, he recorded his own version. The producers liked it so much they had Livingston sing the final version. That’s him you hear on reruns.