Uncle John’s Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader (23 page)

Reporter:
What do you think of space shots?

John:
You see one, you’ve seen them all.

Reporter:
What do you think about the pamphlet calling you four Communists?

Paul:
Us, Communists? Why, we can’t be Communists. We’re the world’s number one capitalists. Imagine us. Communists!

Reporter:
What’s your biggest fear?

John:
The thing I’m afraid of is growing old. I hate that. You get old and you’ve missed it somehow. The old always resent the young and vice-versa.

Reporter:
What about the recent criticism of your lyrics?

Paul:
If you start reading things into them you might as well start singing hymns.

Reporter:
You were at the Playboy Club last night. What did you think of it?

Paul:
The Playboy and I are just good friends.

Reporter:
George, is the place you were brought up a bit like Greenwich Village?

George:
No. More like The Bowery.

In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.

Reporter:
Ringo, how do you manage to find all those parties?

Ringo:
I don’t know. I just end up at them.

Paul:
On tour we don’t go out much. Ringo’s always out, though.

John:
Ringo freelances.

Reporter:
There’s a “Stamp Out the Beatles” movement underway in Detroit. What are you going to do about it?

Paul:
We’re going to start a campaign to stamp out Detroit.

Reporter:
Who thought up the name, Beatles?

Paul:
I thought of it.

Reporter:
Why?

Paul:
Why not?

Reporter:
Beethoven figures in one of your songs. What do you think of Beethoven?

Ringo:
He’s great. Especially his poetry.

Reporter:
Ringo, why do you wear two rings on each hand?

Ringo:
Because I can’t fit them through my nose.

Reporter:
When you do a new song, how do you decide who sings the lead?

John:
We just get together and whoever knows most of the words sings the lead.

Reporter:
Do you think it’s wrong to set such a bad example to teenagers, smoking the way you do?

Ringo:
It’s better than being alcoholics.

Reporter:
What do you think of the criticism that you are not very good?

George:
We’re not.

Reporter:
What do you believe is the reason you are the most popular singing group today?

John:
We’ve no idea. If we did, we’d get four long-haired boys, put them together and become their managers.

Reporter:
You’ve admitted to being agnostics. Are you also irreverent?

Paul:
We are agnostics...so there’s no point in being irreverent.

Some 4% of Americans are more likely to vote
for
a candidate who has an extramarital affair.

We use these words all the time, but most of us have no idea where they came from. Fortunately, we’re on the job, ready to supply their history and make your brief (?) stay in the john an educational one.

P
OTLUCK.
In the Middle Ages, cooks threw all their leftovers into a pot of water that was kept boiling most of the time. This makeshift stew was eaten by the family or fed to strangers when no other food was available. Since food was thrown in at random, its quality and taste depended entirely on luck.

JUKEBOX.
The term “juke” was originally a New Orleans slang expression meaning “to have sex.” Jukeboxes got their name because they were popular in houses of prostitution known as juke joints.

SLUSH FUND.
“Slush” was originally the name for kitchen grease from the galleys of naval sailing ships. Most of this sludge was used to lubricate masts of the ship; the rest was sold with other garbage whenever the ship entered port. Money made from the sale was kept in a “slush fund,” used to buy items for enlisted men.

HAYWIRE.
Bales of hay are held together with tightly strung wire. If the wire snaps, it whips around wildly and can injure people standing nearby.

BROKE.
Many banks in post-Renaissance Europe issued small, porcelain “borrower’s tiles” to their creditworthy customers. Like credit cards, these tiles were imprinted with the owner’s name, his credit limit, and the name of the bank. Each time the customer wanted to borrow money, he had to present the tile to the bank teller, who would compare the imprinted credit limit with how much the customer had already borrowed. If the borrower was past the limit, the teller “broke” the tile on the spot.

BOMB.
The term “bomb,” long in use as a name for explosive devices, was first used to describe a bad theater play by Grevile Corks, theater critic for the
New York Standard
in the 1920s. When one particularly bad play closed after only two performances, Corks wryly observed: “Since the producers were so eager to clear the theater, they might have tried a smoke bomb instead. It would have been quicker for the audience, and less painful.” The column was so popular that Corks started the “Bomb of the Year” award for the worst play on Broadway.

Sherlock Holmes kept his tobacco in the toe of a Persian slipper.

OUTSKIRTS.
As medieval English towns grew too big to fit inside town walls, houses and other buildings were built outside them. These buildings surrounded the wall the same way a woman’s skirt surrounds her waist—and became known as the town’s “skirts.” People living on the outer fringes of even
these
buildings were considered to be living in the
outskirts
of the town.

BANGS.
In the early 19th century, it was common for English noblemen to maintain elaborate stables for their horses. But hard times in following years made stables an expensive luxury. Many nobles were forced to reduce their staffs—which meant that the remaining grooms had less time to spend on each horse. One innovation that resulted: instead of spending hours trimming each horse’s tail, grooms cut all tail hair the same length, a process they called “banging off.” Eventually the “banged” look became popular as a woman’s hairstyle, too.

HUSBAND.
Comes from the German words
Hus
and
Bunda
, which mean “house” and “owner.” The word originally had nothing to do with marital status, except for the fact that home ownership made husbands extremely desirable marriage partners.

WIFE.
Comes from the Anglo-Saxon words
wifan
and
mann
, which mean “weaver” and “human.” In ancient times there were no words that specifically described males or females; one way Anglo-Saxons denoted the difference was to use the word
wifmann
or “weaver-human,” since weaving was a task traditionally performed by women.

PENKNIFE.
One problem with quill pens was that their tips dulled quickly and needed constant sharpening. Knife makers of the 15th century produced special knives for that purpose; their sharp blades and compact size made them popular items.

The heaviest bird in North America is the wild turkey.

Just “sitting there watchin’ the wheels go ‘round and Wound?” While you’re there, you might as well learn a little bit about the origin of the carousel and other rides, as told by BRI member Jack Mingo.

T
HE CAROUSEL

The name
carousel
originated with a popular 12th-century Arabian horseman’s game called
carosellos
, or “little wars.” The rules were simple: teams rode in circles throwing perfume-filled clay balls from one rider to another. If a ball of perfume broke, the team lost. Their penalty: they carried the smell of defeat with them for days after.

The game was brought to Europe by knights returning from the Crusades, and it evolved into elaborate, colorful tourneys called
carousels
.

Making the Rounds.
In the 17th century, the French developed a device to help young nobles train for carousels. It featured legless wooden horses attached to a center pole. As the center pole turned (powered by real horses, mules, or people), the nobles on their wooden steeds would try to spear hanging rings with their lances. (This later evolved into the “catching the brass ring” tradition.) The carousel device gradually evolved into a popular form of entertainment. The peasants rode on barrel-like horses; the nobles rode in elaborate chariots and boats.

The Machine Age.
Until the 1860s, carousels, which had become popular all over Europe, were still dependent on horses and mules for power. But that changed when Frederick Savage, an English engineer, designed a portable steam engine, which could turn as many as four rows of horses on a 48-foot-diameter wheel. Later, Savage also patented designs for the overhead camshafts and gears that moved the wooden horses up and down. This new type of carousel—called a “round-about” (later, merry-go-round)—was a huge success throughout Europe. Ads for carousels first appeared in America as early as 1800. Typically, offering fun was not enough—carousel owners also felt obliged to claim that doctors recommended the rides to improve blood circulation.

Stargazer: Galileo believed in astrology.

THE FERRIS WHEEL

A 33-year-old American engineer named George Washington Ferris designed a giant “observation wheel” for Chicago’s World’s Columbian Exhibition in 1893, as an American counterpart to the Eiffel Tower (which had been unveiled four years earlier). At 250 feet in diameter, this first Ferris wheel could carry more than 2,000 passengers high above the city...and bring them smoothly back down. It was the hit of the fair; some 1.5 million people rode in it.

It was such a success, writes Tad Tuleja in
Namesakes
, that “it fostered many imitators at the turn of the century, the most notable being a 300-foot wheel constructed for the 1897 London Fair and a 197-foot one built for Vienna’s Prater Park in 1896....These giants proved impractical, of course, for the many carnival midways where Ferris’s invention now prospers; the average traveling wheel today is about 50 feet in diameter.”

In 1904 Ferris’s original wheel, which cost $385,000 to build, was dismantled and sold for scrap. It brought in less than $2,000.

ROLLER COASTERS

The roller coaster was invented by an enterprising showman in Russia who built elaborate ice slides in St. Petersburg during the 15th century. Catherine the Great enjoyed the ice slides so much that she ordered tiny wheels added to the sleds so she could ride in the summer.

• The first “modern” roller coaster was built in Coney Island in 1884, more than 400 years later.

• Believe it or not, statistically, roller coasters are much safer than merry-go-rounds. One reason: People rarely decide to jump off a roller coaster while the ride is still moving. Also, the safety restraints work better. Despite that, 27 people died on roller coasters between 1973 and 1988.

• Designers purposely create the illusion that your head is in danger of being chopped by a low overhang at the bottom of a hill. Actually there’s almost always a nine-foot clearance.

• Americans take more than an estimated 214 million roller coaster rides each year.

“We won’t make a sequel, but we may well make a second episode.”

—Jon Peters,
film producer

Germans drink more beer per capita than any other nation on Earth.

Here’s a list of oxymorons sent to us by BRI member Peter McCracken. In case you don’t know, an oxymoron is a common phrase made of two words that appear to be contradictory.

Military Intelligence

Light Heavyweight

Jumbo Shrimp

Painless Dentistry

Drag Race

Friendly Fire

Criminal Justice

Permanent Temporary

Amtrack Schedule

Genuine Imitation

Mandatory Option

Protective Custody

Limited Nuclear War

Dear Occupant

Standard Deviation

Freezer Burn

Pretty Ugly

Industrial Park

Loyal Opposition

Eternal Life

Natural Additives

Student Teacher

Educational Television

Nonworking Mother

Active Reserves

Full-Price Discount

Limited Immunity

Death Benefits

Upside Down

Original Copy

Random Order

Irrational Logic

Business Ethics

Slightly Pregnant

Holy Wars

Half Dead

Supreme Court

Even Odds

Baby Grand

Inside Out

Fresh Frozen

Moral Majority

Truth in Advertising

Friendly Takeover

Good Grief

United Nations

Baked Alaska

Plastic Glasses

Peacekeeping Missiles

Somewhat Addictive

Science Fiction

Open Secret

Unofficial Record

Tax Return

According to zoologists, deer like to play tag. They tag each other using their hooves.

Do you like to play poker?...gin rummy?...bridge...or (in the bathroom) solitaire? Then maybe we can interest you in a couple of pages on the origin of playing cards.

H
ISTORY

Origin.
The first playing cards are believed to have come from the Mamelukes, people of mixed Turkish and Mongolian blood who ruled Egypt from 1250 to 1517. Like today’s standard playing cards, the Mamelukes’ deck had 52 cards and four suits (swords, polo sticks, cups, and coins), with three face cards and 10 numbered cards per suit. Mameluke decks did not include queens or jacks; they used “Deputy Kings” and “Second,” or “Under-Deputy Kings,” instead.

European Popularity.
In the mid-1300s, the cards were introduced to Europe, where they spawned a gaming craze similar to the Monopoly or Trivial Pursuit fads of the 20th century. Historians measure their popularity not by how many times people wrote about them (cards received little or no mention) or by the number of decks that survive (few did), but by the number of cities that
banned
them. Paris was one of the first: it outlawed card-playing among “working men” in 1377. Other cities soon followed, and by the mid-1400s, anti-card sentiments reached a fervor. During one public demonstration in Nuremburg, led by the Catholic priest and future saint John Capistran (better known by his Spanish name, Juan Capistrano), more than 40,000 decks of cards, tens of thousands of dice, and 3,000 backgammon boards were burned in a public bonfire. None of the attempts to eliminate card-playing were successful; in fact, cards are one of only a few items of the 12th century that survive almost unchanged to this day.