Uncle John’s Slightly Irregular Bathroom Reader (47 page)

TYLER WENDELL, EVANSVILLE, INDIANA:
Wendell, 19, went to the Country Cinemas in Evansville specially dressed to see the movie—he wore a red devil costume. Angry audience members, many from local church organizations, threw food at the University of Southern Indiana student, and theater manager Brian Fitzgerald, who called Wendell “a misguided and deranged person,” asked him to leave. Wendell later told reporters that he’d been trying to provoke a reaction. “If God really existed, he would have struck me down for dressing as the devil,” he said. The cinema said they planned to write new admission rules: nobody dressed as “evil beings” would be allowed in the theater.

In 1994 German movie theater ushers beat a man to death for bringing his own popcorn.

This article was originally slated to go in
Uncle John’s Top Secret Bathroom Reader for Kids Only,
but then we thought, why should kids have all the fun?

T
OILET TENPIN

What You Need:
Ten golf tees, or other objects that can serve as bowling pins, and a few rubber bands to serve as bowling balls. Set the golf tees up in a triangle like bowling pins as far from the toilet as you can while still having them within reach—that way you can set them up over and over again and bowl as long as you want.

How to Play:
Have you ever shot a rubber band like a gun? Make your hand into a pistol—curl your pinkie around the rubber band, then stretch the rubber band around the back of your thumb and over the tip of your index finger. Hold the pistol square in the center of your chest, lean back as far as you can, and when you’re ready to shoot, release your pinkie. Aim for the pins—try to knock them all down.

TRASH CAN FRISBEE

What You Need:
A wastepaper basket and some paper plates. If the wastepaper basket isn’t big enough to hold the paper plates, use a cardboard box or a paper shopping bag. Place the basket on the bathroom floor as far from the toilet as you can.

How to Play:
Fling the paper plates like Frisbees—see if you can throw them into the wastepaper basket. For a bigger challenge, try to ricochet them off a wall into the basket.

BATHROOM DARTS

What You Need:
A pie tin, a saucer, a small glass, and small objects you can throw. (Coins or caps from discarded toothpaste tubes work well.)

How to Play:
Put the glass in the center of the saucer, and put the saucer in the center of the pie tin. Set them all down on the bathroom floor a few feet from the toilet. That’s your “dart board.”

Napoleon liked to concoct battle plans in a sandbox.

Toss the coins (“darts”) at your target—if they land in the glass, you get 10 points; if they land in the saucer, you get 5; if they land in the pie tin, you get 1. If you score too well, move the target farther away to make it more challenging.

BATHROOM BLOW GUN

What You Need:
A soda straw, some wooden matches, and a hat

How to Play:
Turn the hat upside down and place it on the bathroom floor a good distance away from the toilet. Put a match in the straw, hold the straw up to your mouth, and blow. Try to shoot all the matches into the hat.

FUN WITH A FUNNEL

What You Need:
A rubber ball and a funnel. The funnel needs to be big enough to hold the ball.

How to Play:
Hold the pointy end of the funnel. Bounce the ball off the wall opposite the toilet and try to catch it in the funnel on the rebound.

BATHROOM BOUNCY BALL

What You Need:
An egg carton and some Ping-Pong balls.

How to Play:
Write different point values in each of the 12 cups of the egg carton, then place it on the bathroom floor a few feet from the toilet.

Try to bounce the Ping-Pong balls into the egg carton. Start with one bounce, then, as your skills improve, move the carton farther away and bounce the balls twice before they go into the cups. Add up the values for your scores.

BATHROOM BROKEN NECK PREVENTER

What You Need:
All the stuff you just spread out all over the bathroom floor to play all these games we just taught you.

How to Play:
Pick all that stuff up off the bathroom floor—before somebody gets killed!

Don’t wait up: The Milky Way takes about 200,000,000 years to make one revolution.

When Gutenberg invented the printing press in 1451, he made it possible for books to be mass-produced. Five centuries later, it’s almost impossible to come up with an accurate list of the top ten bestsellers...but here’s what the experts think. (Check back in a decade—maybe the
Bathroom Reader
will be on the list!)

#1:
The Bible
(
6 billion copies sold)

Background:
The holy text for Christians, the Bible is believed to have been written over a 1,500-year span by at least 40 different people. First published in 1451 (the first book ever printed) it has been translated into more than 2,000 languages. The six billion sales figure includes numerous versions, interpretations, and translations by many different publishers all over the world. And of course it’s just an estimate. Developing nations lack sales tracking technology, and many Bibles are distributed for free. Plus, exact sales figures prior to 1973 don’t exist—the total could be much higher.

#2:
Quotations from Chairman Mao
(900 million sold)

Background:
Known as the “Little Red Book” in the West, this book has been published by the Chinese government since 1966. Selling 900 million copies is no fluke—during the Cultural Revolution (1966–76), all Chinese citizens were required to own a copy. Failing to do so could result in anything from a beating by the military to years in a hard-labor camp. Made up of excerpts from Mao Zedong’s speeches and writings, the book outlines the principles of Chinese socialism and, not coincidentally, glorifies Mao.

#3:
The American Spelling Book
, by Noah Webster (100 million sold)

Background:
First published in 1783, this book actually sold more copies and had more influence than the one Webster is better known for:
The American Dictionary of the English Language. The American Spelling Book
was the standard grammar textbook and was used universally by 1840. It was also known as the Blue-Black Speller for its distinct two-tone cover. Webster’s novel approach: he broke words down into syllables and emphasized them in stories and fables, which made it easier for students to learn pronunciation and memorize spelling. Between his spelling book and his dictionary, Webster standardized the spellings of hundreds of words.

The word Bible comes from the Greek
biblos
, meaning “book.”

#4:
Guinness Book of World Records
(100 million sold)

Background:
In 1951 the Guinness brewery hired a London fact-finding agency run by Norris and Ross McWhirter to settle an argument: what was the fastest game bird in Europe? (They said it was the spurwing goose.) They ended up compiling assorted facts, oddities, and achievements for what would become the
Guinness Book of Records
. First published in August 1955, it became a surprise bestseller by Christmas. Since then, many spin-offs have been released, but the original remains the most popular. It’s the bestselling copyrighted book ever and has been translated into 37 languages.

#5:
The World Almanac and Book of Facts
(73.5 million sold)

Background:
Published annually since 1868, this comprehensive reference book soberly presents page after page of records, lists, and facts on pretty much every subject, including geography, economics, sports, and entertainment. Fun fact: In 1923 Calvin Coolidge was sworn in as U.S. president by his father, a justice of the peace, who read the oath from a copy of
The World Almanac
.

#6:
McGuffey Readers
, by William H. McGuffey (60 million sold)

Background:
First published in 1836, 80% percent of American schools used
McGuffey Readers
to teach reading. The publishers claimed that the series sold 120 million copies, but that wouldn’t have mattered to William McGuffey—he earned just $1,000 for his efforts. The
McGuffey Readers
, along with
The American Spelling Book
, were the most common schoolbooks in the U.S. in the 19th century; neither is in print today.

#7:
The Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care
, by Dr. Benjamin Spock (more than 50 million sold)

Background:
Spock’s child-rearing guide was first published in 1946 and became a necessity for generations of parents. It’s the closest thing to a handbook for babies there is. The book was revolutionary: not only was Spock a man giving advice in what was considered a woman’s domain, but he advocated a gentler approach to parenting and opposed spanking children. Despite the enduring popularity of this book and its many offshoots, by 1971 Spock came to feel that he “had gotten it wrong” when it came to giving parenting advice. (Still, not bad for a Vulcan.)

Achoo! Americans will miss more than 3,000,000 days of work each year due to allergies.

#8:
A Message to Garcia
, by Elbert Hubbard (40 million sold)

Background:
It’s barely a book; it’s actually a 1,500-word essay about a Spanish-American War hero. A statement on labor relations, it was written to inspire workers to create a more efficient workplace. Coinciding with the Industrial Revolution in the U.S.,
A Message to Garcia
fiercely extols the virtues of Big Business, which explains how it became a bestseller: companies bought copies by the truckload and gave them away free to employees.

#9:
In His Steps: What Would Jesus Do?
, by Rev. Charles Monroe Sheldon (More than 30 million sold)

Background:
Sheldon wrote this guide in 1896, advice for Christians on how to apply Jesus’ teachings to everyday decisions. The success of
In His Steps
led to two lucrative publishing phenomena that are with us to this day: self-help books and religious guidance books. Though still in print, the book isn’t as popular today as it was a century ago, but “What Would Jesus Do?” bracelets, posters, T-shirts, bumper stickers, and keychains are.

#10:
Valley of the Dolls
, by Jacqueline Susann (30 million sold)

Background:
A former Broadway starlet, Susann wrote this, her first book, in 1966. It’s the bestselling novel of all time. The loosely autobiographical story follows three actresses desperate for fame in Hollywood as they get caught up in sex, pills, and booze. Susann’s influence is widespread: later bestselling authors like Danielle Steel and Jackie Collins owe her a debt for developing the trashy sex and scandal-laden popular novel.

Some Bestsellers the Experts Might Have Missed:

•
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone
, by J. K. Rowling

•
To Kill A Mockingbird
, by Harper Lee

•
The Hobbit
, by J. R. R. Tolkien

•
The Koran

•
Gone with the Wind
, by Margaret Mitchell

•
Catcher in the Rye
, by J. D. Salinger

Scales were invented in the Middle East as early as 4000 B.C.

Serious philosophy or TV gobbledygook? You be the judge. These quotes are from the only Buddhist Western in television history
, Kung Fu.

“Man, like the animals, is meant to live in groups. But the meaning of belonging to a group is found in the comfort of silence and solitude.”

—
Master Kan

Master Po:
Close your eyes. What do you hear?

Caine:
I hear the water, I hear the birds.

Master Po:
Do you hear the grasshopper that is at your feet?

Caine:
Old man, how is it that you hear these things?

Master Po:
Young man, how is it that you do not?

“No man can see through another’s eyes or hear through his ears, or feel through his fingers.”

—
Caine

“Does not tomorrow begin now?”

—
Caine

Caine:
Do evil demons exist?

Master Kan:
Do wars, famine, disease, and death exist? Do lust, greed, and hate exist? They are man’s creations, brought into being by the dark side of his nature.

“Superstition is like a magnet. It pulls you in the direction of your belief.”

—
Master Po

“A man feels grief. One who does not fails in his capacity to be a man.”

—
Caine

“Learn first how to live. Learn second how not to kill. Learn third how to live with death. Learn fourth how to die.”

—
Master Po

Caine:
Our bodies are prey to many needs. Hunger, thirst, the need for love. Shall we then seek to satisfy those needs?