Uncle John’s Slightly Irregular Bathroom Reader (48 page)

Master Kan:
Only acknowledge them, and satisfaction will follow. To suppress a truth is to give it force beyond endurance.

“Perfect wisdom is unplanned. Perfect living offers no guarantee of a peaceful death.”

—
Master Po

Caine:
What is the greatest obligation that we have?

Master Po:
To live, Grasshopper. To live!

President James Buchanan once made a living as a prize fighter.

What is art? Almost anything, it seems. We at the BRI wonder: If we don’t appreciate these high-concept “pieces,” are we slobs? (B-u-u-u-u-urp!)

A
RTIST:
David Lynch

MEDIUM:
Cutlery, fiberglass cow

IS IT ART?
Lynch, well known as the director of the cult classic film
Blue Velvet
and the TV show
Twin Peaks
, was asked to contribute a sculpture for the 2004 Cow Parade in New York City. The parade is a traveling exhibit that gets local artists to decorate fake cows. Lynch’s contribution: a large fiberglass cow with a bloody-looking stump where its head was supposed to be, the head rammed into its back, and forks and knives sticking out of its rump. Written on its side were the words “Eat My Fear.” “They told me I could do anything I liked so long as it wasn’t sexually explicit or X-rated,” Lynch told
The Wolf Files
. The cow was supposed to be displayed on a city sidewalk, but when officials saw it, they banned it.

ARTISTS:
1157performancegroup

MEDIUM:
Corpse

IS IT ART?
This experimental English theater group put out an unusual casting call in March 2004: they needed an actor to appear as a dead body—literally. The group hoped to find a terminally ill person who would consent to have their corpse “lie in state” on stage for the entire 24-night run of the show, entitled
DEAD...you will be
. Having an actual dead body, a spokeswoman said, “is important, we think, to help us to dispel the mysteries that surround death.”

ARTIST:
Karl Friedrich Lentze

MEDIUM:
Corpse, fish

IS IT ART?
The 56-year-old German artist wrote to several zoos around the country asking if he could be fed to piranhas when he died. Günther Nogge, director of the Cologne Zoo, liked the idea, saying that it might be very educational. “But,” he added, “it would be better if you were fed to the piranhas alive—they’re not keen on dead flesh.” Lentze’s counteroffer: Witnesses “could poke my body with sticks to get me moving and get the fish interested.”

Ohio is the only U.S. state whose flag is not rectangular or square.

MORE ART:
In 2002 Lentze wrote to Bonn city officials asking permission to be buried with an inflatable sex doll. (Request granted—as long as the doll was biodegradable.) And in 2003 he applied for a license to open a nightclub and brothel for dogs.

ARTIST:
Andre Stitt

MEDIUM:
Boots, litter

IS IT ART?
In 2004 Stitt, an Irish performance artist, announced that his next act would be in Bedford, England. The act: He would walk out of a pub and kick an empty curry carton up and down the street while wearing silver-spangled platform boots. The work, entitled
White Trash Curry Kick
, is designed to “question the high spirits demonstrated by young people throughout the country on Saturday nights.” The
real
kicker: He got the East of England Arts Society to give him a £12,200 grant (about $20,000) for the performance. Many people were outraged that he received public funds for kicking a carton down the street, but the Arts Council of England defended it, saying, “Art isn’t only about paintings.”

ARTIST:
Orlan

MEDIUM:
Her body

IS IT ART?
From 1990 until 2000, the French performance artist worked on
The Reincarnation of Saint Orlan
, which consists of 10 videotaped plastic surgeries of her face. And the procedures weren’t for the usual reasons: “I am against the ideas of normal beauty,” the artist says. She had her chin done to resemble Botticelli’s Venus; her lips to resemble Moreau’s Europa, her eyes to look like Gérôme’s Psyche, and had silicone implanted above her temples so she could have the forehead of Leonardo’s Mona Lisa (sort of—it looks more like small horns). During the highly choreographed surgeries, Orlan, the surgeons, staff, and camera crew all dress in long robes. The artist, who takes only a local anesthetic so that she can remain conscious, reads poetry and philosophy during the operations. She completed the work by having doctors in Japan give her “the largest nose that her face is capable of supporting.” Her videos and photographs—plus blood and fat from the operations—have been exhibited at major art galleries worldwide. “My body,” she says, “is a place of public debate where crucial questions for our times can be asked.”

Excited neon atoms release red light.

If you had the opportunity to name a town, what would you name it? Here’s a look at how some towns around the United States got their names
.

A
LLIANCE, NEBRASKA

The town was originally named Grand Lake, but when the Chicago, Burlington, & Quincy Railroad came to town in 1888, the railroad’s superintendent, G. W. Holdrege, wanted to change it. He thought a one-word name closer to the top of the alphabetical list of towns in Nebraska would be better for business. The U.S. Post Office gave him permission and he picked Alliance.

BANGOR, MAINE

When settlers in the area decided to incorporate and become a town in 1791, the Reverend Seth Noble talked them into calling the town Sunbury, then went to Boston to deliver the petition himself (Maine was part of Massachusetts then). He happened to be whistling a hymn titled “Bangor” when the court official asked him what he wanted to name the town. Thinking the official was asking about the hymn, he replied, “Bangor.”

CALISTOGA, CALIFORNIA

In the early 1850s, Sam Brannan, publisher of San Francisco’s
California Star
newspaper, learned of a natural hot spring in the Napa Valley north of San Francisco. He bought up more than 2,000 acres of the surrounding land and drew up plans for a resort town and a health spa fed by the spring. He wanted to model the town after Saratoga Springs, New York, and one night over dinner with friends (and after a few too many drinks), he gushed that the town would one day be “the Calistoga of Sarafornia!”

LESAGE, WEST VIRGINIA

Founded on the spot where Jules Lesage pulled ashore when his steamboat broke down. It took so long for the steamboat to be repaired that Lesage finally gave up and settled there instead.

Dolphins can produce notes 100 times higher than a human soprano.

CLEVELAND, OHIO

The town was surveyed in 1796 by a man named Moses Cleaveland and named in his honor by his employees. Cleaveland spelled his name with an “a,” and that’s how the town spelled its name until 1831, when the editor of the fledgling
Cleveland Advertiser
newspaper realized the town’s name was too long to fit on the paper’s masthead. He dropped the “a,” and it’s been spelled Cleveland ever since.

LOUISVILLE, OHIO

Settler Henry Lautzenheiser named the town after Lewis Lautzenheiser, one of his twenty-five children, in 1834. The name remained
Lewis
ville until 1837, when somebody noticed that there already was a town in Ohio named Lewisville. Rather than rename the town entirely, they changed the spelling to Louisville.

MONROE, LOUISIANA

The town, formerly named Fort Miro, got its new name when the first steamboat traveled up the Ouachita River in 1819. The townspeople were so thrilled at the sight of a boat travelling up-river under its own power that they renamed the town after the boat—the
James Monroe
.

PALM BEACH, FLORIDA

In 1878 the sailing ship
Providencia
shipwrecked on an island just off the coast of Florida. The ship’s cargo—20,000 coconuts—washed up on the beach...and grew into the palm trees that give the island town its name.

PEKIN, ILLINOIS

Named in 1830 by one Mrs. Nathaniel Cromwell, who 1) wasn’t much of a speller, and 2) was apparently convinced that Pekin was exactly on the opposite side of the globe from Peking, China. (She wasn’t much of a geographer, either.)

SELMER, TENNESSEE

Named by one P. H. Thrasher, who wanted to name his town in honor of Selma, Alabama. (Apparently he was just as bad a speller as Mrs. Cromwell.)

Dirty money: 18% of U.S. coins are contaminated with the E. coli bacteria.

You don’t have to be a fan of country music to appreciate the toe-tappin’ wit of these real-life country song titles
.

“I Gave Her My Heart and a Diamond and She Clubbed Me with a Spade”

“You’re a Hard Dog to Keep Under the Porch”

“Four on the Floor and a Fifth under the Seat”

“You Done Stomped on My Heart (and You Mashed That Sucker Flat)”

“I Went Back to My Fourth Wife for the Third Time and Gave Her a Second Chance to Make a First Class Fool Out of Me”

“You Can’t Have Your Kate and Edith Too”

“I’d Rather Pass a Kidney Stone than Another Night with You”

“Feelin’ Single and Drinkin’ Doubles”

“If My Nose Was Full of Nickels, I’d Blow It All on You”

“I Bought the Shoes That Just Walked Out on Me”

“Jesus Loves Me but He Can’t Stand You”

“I Fell in a Pile of You and Got Love All Over”

“One Day When You Swing That Skillet (My Face Ain’t Gonna Be There)”

“I Gave Her the Ring, and She Gave Me the Finger”

“Thanks to the Cathouse, I’m in the Doghouse with You”

“You’re the Ring Around My Bathtub, You’re the Hangnail of My Life”

“I Want a Beer as Cold as My Ex-Wife’s Heart”

“Did I Shave My Legs for This?”

“If You Can’t Live without Me, Why Aren’t You Dead?”

“I Wouldn’t Take Her to a Dawg Fight, ’Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win”

“He’s Got a Way with Women...and He Just Got Away with Mine”

Colgate was the first toothpaste to be sold in tubes rather than jars.

It’s a game of virtual cat and mouse: smart alecks put crazy items up for auction on eBay, and eBay pulls them off the site. Here are a few of our favorites. (Winning bids are at the end.)

I
TEM:
My Toenail Clippings—31 inches long

DESCRIPTION:
“These clippings were done by my teeth about an hour ago, off every single toe on both my feet. You can use them for absolutely nothing so buy them now!”

OPENING BID:
$50.00

ITEM:
Grandma—MUST SEE!!

DESCRIPTION:
“We are so sure you will be happy with your grandma that we will throw in an extra pair of dentures. THAT’S NO TYPO! Warning: Grandma is known to spout profanity at times, and does get cranky if not given her medicine. (Medicine not included.)”

OPENING BID:
$10.00

ITEM:
The Meaning of Life

DESCRIPTION:
“I have discovered the reason for our existence and will be happy to share this information with the highest bidder.” (eBay note: “Contact the seller to resolve any questions before bidding.”)

OPENING BID:
$0.01

ITEM:
10 Fingers. Use them or eat them!

DESCRIPTION:
“You might ask what it is you might do with 10 fingers. Just use your imagination, the possibilities are endless.”

OPENING BID:
$0.01

ITEM:
Vial of Authentic
Melrose Place
TV Show Pool Water

DESCRIPTION:
“Your favorite stars have swam and soaked in this pool for years. Now that the show is going to be gone forever you can still have a piece of history. 10 vials available.”

OPENING BID:
$7.99

From a U. of Michigan study: a dog’s memory span is 5 minutes, a cat’s is 16 hours.

ITEM:
Fossilized Turtle Poop (called “coprolite”)

DESCRIPTION:
“I use coprolites just like this when I make fossil presentations at local grade schools and the kids love them. It seems everyone has a comment after holding one.”

OPENING BID:
$15.00

ITEM:
One jar of air from Woodstock (the 1999 concert, not 1969)

DESCRIPTION:
“I caught the air in the jar myself, it is real Woodstock air. So many came but how many thought to take some of the air with them? Get yours now.”

OPENING BID:
$9.99

ITEM:
Two Weeks’ Worth of Dog Hair!! L@@K!! No Reserve

DESCRIPTION:
“This is prime shedding season with the dogs and I currently have more than I could ever possibly use. So why not let my windfall be your good fortune? Dog hair will be packaged in bubble wrap to avoid damage in shipping.”