Unconditional (17 page)

‘I’ve just been to Rianne’s,’ I bite out, ‘and I know Dannii. I know.’

‘Know what?’ she says, just the fraction of a second too late. She knows exactly what I mean.

‘At your house that night? With Joe? You were seen.’

There’s a sharp intake of breath and then silence, and my world comes crashing down around me. Part of me was
hoping she would deny it, say it was all rubbish and spin me some story I could at least pretend to believe. Anything rather than face the horrible fact that my boyfriend is cheating on me with my best friend. For all I know it could have been going on before I had even met him.

‘Ash, I’m so, so sorry,’ she says, tearful. I’m crying now too but they’re hot, angry tears.

‘You bitch,’ I hiss, cutting her off. She phones back almost instantly and I reject it as I had Joe’s. I don’t want to talk to either of them, don’t want to hear apologies. How can there be an adequate apology for this? It’s not like scratching someone’s CD or wearing their clothes without asking. ‘Ooops sorry, I didn’t mean to snog your boyfriend.’ Or whatever else they’ve been doing behind my back.

I walk back at twice my usual pace, my trainers thumping on the path in time with my racing heartbeat. I want to break into a jog, if only to relieve some of the tension in my body.

Just as I reach the park Joe phones again and this time I don’t just reject it but turn it off completely. I’m so mad I barely even register that I’m walking through here alone for the first time since that night Jason and Adam were harassing me. I see two boys in caps and hoodies standing by the swings and as I get closer I see one of them is Adam’s ferret faced friend. He smirks at me as I storm past.

‘Not with your boyfriend today then?’

‘I don’t have a fucking boyfriend,’ I snarl.

The wave of anger carries me home and I walk through my front door in record time. Mum isn’t back and my anger subsides in an instant, leaving me feeling very, very alone.

I open the kitchen door and Sabre throws himself at me, tail wagging and tongue lolling. He calms down as I kneel
down next to him, sensing my mood he cocks his head on one side and looks at me with those big doggy eyes, then nudges at me and licks my hand. I put my arms round his neck, breathing in the smell of his fur and he licks the side of my face. Normally I would find that disgusting and push him away but instead I bury my face in the ruff round his neck, holding onto him like a lifejacket, and I cry and cry and cry.

I don’t go into class the next morning. In fact, I don’t even bother to get out of bed. I leave my phone turned off and lie in bed, staring at the wall. Try as I might I can’t make any sense of this. I try to think things through logically, but my mind’s a mess, slipping away from the reality it doesn’t want to grasp. Dannii and Joe. Joe and Dannii. Perhaps it was inevitable; after all there’s no denying they’re a better fit. The most popular girl in Year 13 and the hot new ‘bad boy’. They could be characters in one of my stories. Girls like me only ever get the bit parts.

It’s all too much. I feel both raw and empty as if someone’s taken a scourer to the inside of me. Only every so often a wave of emotion hits me and I sob silently into my pillow, opening my mouth in a silent scream. It’s like Dad leaving all over again; the sense of being abandoned, of wondering what I did wrong. For the first time I get a sense of what Mum must have gone through.

It’s gone eleven before she pops her head in the door, her eyes widening as she takes in the sight of me.

‘What on earth is the matter?’ she crosses over to me, pressing a hand on my forehead. I shake her off.

‘I’m not ill,’ I sob and she squats beside me, peering into my face. I must look a mess, my face puffy and swollen.

‘It’s this Joe boy isn’t it?’

She purses her lips, looking angry for a minute and I wish again that none of this was true. Only two nights ago I was singing his praises to her, desperate for her to approve.

‘Get up and get dressed,’ she says firmly, standing up and pulling the quilt off me to see me curled up in my dressing gown. I’ll put the kettle on and you can tell me
what’s wrong. If you want to.’ she adds. I can tell she’s been trying to treat me less like a child lately and I love her for it, even though right now I wish I could crawl into her lap.

My arms and legs feel heavy as I drag on jeans and a vest, running a comb through my hair, which for once looks lank rather than fuzzy. My eyelids are like bee stings and my face blotchy. I give myself a look of disgust. No wonder Joe wanted Dannii. Even when she cries she looks great.

When I tell Mum what’s happened and give voice to my self-loathing she surprises me by banging her coffee cup down on the table sharply.

‘Stop talking like that; you’re not a victim, stop feeling bloody sorry for yourself.’

I gape at her. Of course I’m a victim! But she continues in that no nonsense tone.

‘You’re not going to sit here whining and blaming yourself. You have done nothing wrong; they have. You are a beautiful intelligent girl, Ashley Evans, and to be quite honest, far too good for some young boy fresh out of jail.’

I almost bristle at her summation of Joe before I remember what he’s done.

‘Thanks.’ I murmur, not really believing her. She’s my mother, of course she thinks I’m wonderful.

‘I suppose you’re relieved,’ I say. She looks shocked.

‘Don’t be stupid, the last thing I want is to see you this upset. Tell me exactly what’s happened; do you know for sure that something has gone on between them?’

I tell her everything, from Rianne’s recounting of it to seeing the topless picture to Dannii’s tearful apology. When I’ve finished I’m crying again and Mum passes me a tissue, tapping her nails on the table. I notice she’s got green paint on her hands.

‘I’ve always expected something like this from that girl.’

‘But we’ve been best friends for years,’ I wail, the pain of
her betrayal fresh again.

‘But you haven’t heard his side of it have you? Or hers really.’

I frown, not sure what she’s getting at. It’s pretty obvious something’s gone on, and whether it’s just a kiss and a picture or they’re full on having sex doesn’t make much difference, I realise. Either way they’ve crossed a line.

‘I’m just saying, perhaps you should get all the facts before you decide what to do.’

It hasn’t occurred to me that I even have any choices.

‘They’re probably together right now,’ I say glumly, shutting my eyes against the mental picture of the two of them happy and smiling, hand in hand. Of course, that doesn’t make it go away.

‘Maybe,’ she concedes, dipping her chin, ‘but maybe not. Dannii rang the house phone for you earlier this morning. She sounded upset when I told her you were in bed.’

‘Oh.’ It makes no difference. Dannii might well grovel and cry, but she can’t take it back. Neither of them can. Joe must have realised why I rushed out when he saw the picture message open on his phone. It occurs to me that by hiding and ignoring them both I’ve given them time to concoct a story together. How will I ever know the truth now?

‘You need to face this,’ Mum says firmly, ‘not hide in your room.’

I sigh, taking a long swallow of coffee. I think she’s being a bit unfair, I should be entitled to some time to wallow, but she’s probably right. Taking a deep breath I go into the hall and use the house phone to call Dannii. She picks up after just one ring.

‘Ashley?’ she sobs. ‘Oh, thank God, I’ve been trying to
get hold of you all morning.’

‘I didn’t want to talk to you.’

She starts crying harder so that it takes me a minute to understand what she’s saying.

‘I can’t believe he could do this to me,’ she wails.

‘Who? Joe?’

‘No,’ she says impatiently, ‘Dean.’

She’s expecting me to care about her stupid arguments with Dean right now?

‘I don’t care about you and Dean,’ I nearly shout into the phone, angry now at her selfishness and the sound of her crying. ‘How could you go near Joe?’ It’s probably why Dean dumped her.

Dannii goes quiet, her sobs muffled.

‘Are you in?’ I ask, looking at the clock. She should be in class too.

‘Yes.’

‘I’ll be there in a minute,’ I say, replacing the phone. Mum gives me a thumbs up.

‘I’ll give you a lift,’ she offers. It’s not far at all to Dannii’s, but I nod, grateful for the offer.

‘You know, you should ask your dad to buy you a car. It’s about time you started driving lessons,’ she says as I get in the car. She’s trying to distract me and give me something positive to think about I’m sure, but it would be a lot more convincing if not for the fact that she only took her own test when I was fourteen. Dad used to drive us everywhere.

‘Joe loves cars,’ I say, and tears come to my eyes again. So much for the change of topic. Mum drives the rest of the way in silence, but when we get to Dannii’s she hugs me hard.

‘Don’t take any crap off her,’ she warns me as I get out. I smile unconvincingly and steel myself for whatever I’m about to hear as I knock Dannii’s door.

She almost drags me into the house, slamming the door shut as if she doesn’t want anyone to see her.

‘Have you seen them?’ she hisses at me as we go up to her room. ‘They’re everywhere.’

I stare at her. Has the guilt driven her out of her mind?

‘Dannii,’ I say patiently as if I’m talking to a small child, ‘what the hell are you going on about?’

‘The photos!’ She buries her head in her hands and when she looks back up she looks so distraught I have to stop myself going over and hugging her. Remember why you’re here, I tell myself firmly.

‘I’m so sorry,’ she says through her tears, ‘and I know you don’t care about me and probably think I deserve it.’

‘Deserve what?’

She looks at me in horror.

‘You don’t know? But Joe said you saw the picture.’

‘I did,’ I say through gritted teeth, ‘on his phone.’

‘Well, that’s not just it. He’s sent them to everyone. He’s even put some of me in my underwear on Facebook!’

And the knowledge hits me like a blow to the head.

Dannii didn’t send that picture to Joe. Dean did. Dean was ‘D’. The relief is so strong I’m actually grinning, which makes Dannii cry even more.

‘Why did you let him take pictures of you like that then?’ I say, shaking my head at her stupidity.

‘He said I looked hot, and it was fun. I just didn’t think.’

It occurs to me this could all be a cover up, but looking at her stricken face I know she’s telling me the truth.

‘How can I ever face anyone again, ever?’

I bite back the comment that springs to my lips, which is that half of the local guys have probably seen her a lot more than topless anyway. It’s a horrible thing that Dean’s done, and if it’s on Facebook she’ll be in for a lot of teasing, especially from the legions of girls who have always been
jealous of her. Dannii has been well and truly knocked off her pedestal. Although she kind of deserves it, I feel sorry for her too.

Then it hits me. I’ve been getting the wrong idea about a lot of things lately; Matt, the picture, am I wrong about Joe? Perhaps if it was just a kiss…but even so I could never trust them again.

‘So what happened that night at the party? Tell me the truth Dannii please.’ I’m calm now, prepared for whatever she’s got to say. She chokes on a sob.

‘I didn’t mean to, it was just a stupid moment,’ she says, and I feel my stomach twist into knots but I stay quiet and let her continue.

‘I don’t know what I was thinking, I mean I was with Dean. But we were all drinking. I didn’t plan to do it Ash I swear. I’m horrible. I should never have tried to kiss him, I’m so sorry.’

I had closed my eyes, maybe against whatever she was going to reveal, and they snap open at that one word that causes a spark of hope to ignite.

She
tried
to kiss him? Only tried?

‘I feel such an idiot,’ she continues, blushing. ‘He looked at me like I was scum.’

‘He turned you down,’ I state, finally understanding everything. For a second I feel elated, then I remember the way I stormed out on him. What have I done?

Dannii just continues to snuffle.

‘I thought you were seeing each other,’ I admit, and she looks at me in horror, ‘I thought you sent him that picture.’

‘Ash, no! I would never!’

‘Never what? What if he’d kissed you back? That’s obviously what you wanted. Isn’t it?’

She drops her eyes and I sit down, feeling dejected again.

‘Why?’ I ask her. ‘How could you?’

She starts crying again but I feel no pity for her now. If he had responded to her, how far would she have gone? Would she have taken him from me just to prove she could?

‘I was right wasn’t I, when I accused you of being jealous?’

Dannii is quiet for long enough that I think she’s not going to answer, and when she does her voice is so quiet I have to lean forward to hear her.

‘Yeah, I was jealous. You get the best of everything, you always do, and it’s not fair.’

‘Huh?’ She’s knocked me for six. ‘What are you on about? I should be jealous of you! You’re the pretty one, the popular one. I’ve always been invisible next to you.’

‘I know,’ she sniffs, proving that even humiliated and contrite, she’s still Dannii, ‘but only because you’ve always been a bit shy. You’re just as pretty as me, loads of boys liked you at high school, you were just never interested.’

I shrug.

‘That doesn’t explain why you would be jealous. Is it just because of Joe? Because you like him?’

She shakes her head.

‘I don’t even really fancy him. He’s hot, yeah, but too moody and serious for me. It was just that you get the best of everything else, all I get is the cool boyfriend, and then you had that too.’

I just don’t get it. I look around at her room, filled with all the latest gadgets, a designer wardrobe, everything a girl could want. And her parents are still together.

‘You’ve got everything,’ I say. She snorts.

‘You mean Mum and Dad buy me everything to make up for the fact that they want me out of their way? Your mum is amazing, the two of you are so close. And you’re so
clever. I can’t even cope with college, I’m behind in everything.’