Underwater (4 page)

Nodding in Lettie’s direction, I let her know she could start shaving. She gave me a sad smile and began the task. I stroked the strings lightly, and when I felt the time was right, I started to play.

Watching my dad closely, I could see the moment the music started to get through to him. He lifted his head and looked at me with wonder, while I sang
I Won’t Let Go
by
Rascal Flatts
. Singing in front of people always made me nervous, but I moved beyond it this time because all I cared about was this man who raised me like his princess and showered me with love from the day I was born.

I sang softly and the melody and lyrics filled the air as I tried to tune out the machine that cut away his love and joy, his beautiful long hair. I didn’t look away from his eyes even for a second, trying to tell him...
I’m right here no matter what…
while
trying hard not to fall apart.

Understanding dawned on him. He was getting it.
Oh god, he was finally getting it
. The tip of his mouth started to lift, but it wasn’t enough. I wanted him to smile. Choosing this song, I wanted to make him believe he could win. He lost the fight for his hair, but we wouldn’t let him lose the fight for his life.

And I planned to make us whole again.

Feeling my lips lift too, I gave him my best smile and crooned the last notes. Lettie and my mom were both watching me with tears in their eyes.

Getting up from my seat, I leaned the guitar on the wall and went straight to my dad. With a tear trickling down his cheek, he took me in his arms and gave me a hug I would never forget.

Me too dad. Me too.

He let me go and gave Lettie a quick kiss on the cheek. He squeezed my mom’s shoulder and then headed to the bathroom. I looked at my mom and gave her a nod, letting her know she should go after him.

We heard a loud gasp come from the bathroom and I fought the instinct to run to him. Instead, I turned to Mom once again and said, “He needs you.”

Her eyes widened and then she headed to the bathroom, to his aid.

I leaned on the wall and slid down until my bottom hit the floor. I watched Lettie as she cleaned the mess of his hair. Images of my dad started to flash in my head. He looked so different with a bald head. It was something we would all have to get used to. I could hear my mom and dad crying in the bathroom. It wasn’t even crying. It was more like weeping.

I should go to them.

“I can see your wheels turning,” Lettie said. “I know you want to go in there, but they need this. Let them cry it out. Let them deal together.”

She was right, of course. I knew she was right, but my logic didn’t function at the moment. I couldn’t just sit there while they wailed like wounded animals.

“They need me! Can’t you hear them?” I tried to get up, but I felt a hand on my shoulder, stopping my movements. “What?” I barked. I was allowed to lose it once in a while. I was a fucking nineteen-year-old teenage girl buried in shit.

“Aria...” Oh boy, her tone told me I wasn’t going to like what she had to say. “I think you need to see someone.”

Yep. Didn’t like it one bit
.

Fuming, I glared at her. She thought I needed to see a shrink! Me? A shrink? Like I was going to tell a stranger how I was
feeling
.

“Look, I know you’re worried for us,” I said. “I get it. But I don’t need to see anyone or talk about anything. What’s the point? Would it make his cancer go away? No,” I said, trying to make her see how pointless it was from my eyes. “I don’t think I should waste my time. You know I’m not going to talk. I don’t like to talk about my problems. They’re mine, no one else’s, and that’s how it is going to stay.”

There you go... I rest my case
.

Although, I knew there was something in what she was saying. I wasn’t stupid or blind. I knew that I wasn’t acting normal, but what she didn’t understand was that this situation wasn’t normal. This disease didn’t come with a guide book for the family. I didn’t have a manual of how I should act. I tried my best to live every day the best that I could, and I thought I was doing a pretty good job at it.

“I know that, sweetie, but let me ask you this,” she said, while standing and reaching out her hand to me. When I clasped my hand in hers, she pulled me up. Together we went to sit in front of the fireplace. “Who’s going to pull you out of the dark?” Taking my hand in hers, she caressed my skin, soothing me, making me feel like a girl my age for a little bit. It had been a while since someone took care of me and not the other way around.

I kind of missed it
.

“I know it’s hard for you to talk.” She laughed, making me remember the old days when she would try to get me to tell her things about my life without any luck. “However, you don’t have to go to a one-on-one shrink. There are a lot of support groups out there for families.”

I started to object but she shushed me instantly. “Please. If not for you, do this for your parents’ sake. For Adam’s. They need you sane. It’s not healthy to carry the weight of your whole family on your shoulders.” She sighed, and then continued. “You owe it to yourself, sweetie, or you won’t come out of this sane. I know someone and I can arrange a space for you. Go once. Try it. If you are still against it, I won’t bother you again. We have a deal?”

Hearing the cries of my parents in the background, I decided to get out of my comfort zone and try something new. Worst case scenario? I wouldn’t like it and I’d get the hell out of there.

Watching the fire crackle in silence, holding her hand in mine, I gave in and said, “Yeah, Lettie. We have a deal.”

“All day I think about it, then at night I say it. Where did I come from, and what am I supposed to be doing? I have no idea. My soul is from elsewhere, I’m sure of that, and I intend to end up there.”

—
Rumi

F
or two years, I’d been sitting in the same uncomfortable chair, week after week, waiting for the participants to show up. It always felt like eternity.

Three hours.

That’s how long I’d slept last night. Some nights were three hours, other nights only two. When I was lucky enough, I was rewarded with four. I couldn’t make the nightmares go away. They clung to my consciousness, pulling me back to the black days that changed my entire life forever. I was fighting a raging war within. A war where the enemy lived inside me…fed by my fears and constant anger, and eating me up from the inside. My opponent was invisible and invincible, and no matter how hard I fought, ultimately, I always ended up on the losing side.

I was so fucking tired.

Maybe it was the lack of sleep. Or perhaps I was tired of being alone.

Don’t even go there.

It wasn’t a choice, just a fact. This was my life. There was no need to wish for things I could never have.

A chill went through my body, alerting all my senses.
Damn it, I hated the cold
. After my injuries on the field back in Afghanistan, the doctors had to implant titanium inside my leg. Every time I was cold, a wave of pain went through my body and straight into my bones, reminding me of days I wanted to forget.

It was a constant reminder of the things I’d lost.

Looking out the window, I could see the sky beginning to darken. The heavy black-gray clouds were summoning the rain to fall and wash away another day.

Checking my watch, I noted the time – a quarter to eight in the evening.

Fifteen minutes before the beginning of the meeting.

Forty-five more minutes until it ended.

It wasn’t that I didn’t like to be here. I wanted to help out Bennie, the group instructor, with everything I could. God only knows how much he’d helped me and still does. He took me under his wing and helped me to stand up again. And I was still on the brink of crumbling, if I was honest with myself.

My part in the meetings was to help Bennie with logistics, and when I was up to it, we tried to come up with interesting activities for the participants. If I was in the mood, I would throw out a word or two sometimes. But that rarely happened. I knew the only reason he asked me to work with him was because he was afraid I would jump off a cliff and lose it again. I knew this, and still I showed up without missing a day. I loved it here, but at the same time, I felt like I didn’t belong. I was used to being alone for so long that being around people made me uneasy. That was mainly the reason I was always sitting in the far corner, observing the meetings from the shadows.

The door to the room swung open and Bennie entered with a big goofy smile. His wife had fought and beat cancer and that was one of the reasons Bennie had wanted to open this support group. He told me he felt like they were granted a miracle and he wanted to give back – in any way he could.

“Hey man,” I said as I stood and walked towards him.

“Hey, it’s chilly in here,” he said. “Why didn’t you turn on the heat?” he asked and then immediately walked over to the thermostat and turned it on himself. Shivering, he blew into his hands and then took a seat on the corner of his desk. “How was your day, D?” He was the only one who called me D. He thought it was cool. I, on the other hand, thought he was just too lazy to say my full name.

“My day was fine, and stop calling me D. It’s annoying.”

“Stop whining,” he said, giving me the finger. “You know you
love
it.”

He emphasized the word
love
while blinking his eyelashes swiftly. I shook my head at his antics.

When people began to trickle in, I walked back to my usual seat in the corner. I sat down, took a breath, and closed my eyes.

Let the meeting begin.

I
stood in front of a wooden door, holding the handle while contemplating the possibility of running away before someone came out and saw me. It was tempting, but Lettie would kill me. I also felt like I owed it to myself to explore the possibility of attending a support meeting. Who knew, maybe it would help?

Yeah, right.

I shook my head, and cracked the door open. The creaking sound it made caused every eye in the room stare at me.

Great, I was late.

My eyes fell on the man standing in front of the group. Bennie, I assumed. Lettie had described him to me almost perfectly. He was kind of short with a chubby body and face. His hair was brown and cut short and his nose was crooked, like he had broken it once upon a time.

I waved my hand awkwardly and said, “Hey, sorry I’m late.” Lowering my hand, I wrapped my arms around myself, hating the spotlight.

Bennie watched me with interest. “Aria, right?” Nodding, I stepped closer to the vacant chair near the entrance.
 
”It’s nice having you here. I’m Bennie, the guiding spirit of this place.”

Taking a seat, I couldn’t help raising my eyebrows at him.
Guiding spirit? Was this guy for real? Where the hell did he think he was?

I was going to kill Lettie.

Looking over the rest of the group, I could see people of different ages. Most of them had friendly faces and smiled at me when I sat down. I tried to smile back, but I couldn’t find it in me to smile genuinely.