Unforgiven (7 page)

David came into the room and I swallowed, but my mouth was already so dry, nothing went down. I tried to cough out a greeting, but it came out more like a squawk.

He smiled and sat in the extra chair on Tracy’s side of the table as she followed him into the room. “This will be fun, I think. Thank you for inviting me.”

I cleared my throat. “I can’t believe you have time for something like this.”

“Like what?” he asked.

“This… dumb,” I filled in.

Tracy took the chair beside David, but he didn’t turn to look at her—his gaze was fixed on me, his expression serious. “Training is never dumb, Mackenzie. I’m proud to help you, both as part of the Unseen, and as your father.”

The word felt foreign, and he didn’t use it much because of that. The fact that he was also my boss added another element of strain to our father-daughter dynamic. The word hung awkwardly in the air, and I wondered how long it would take for us to get over that.

Tracy interjected, easing the tension. “Let’s get started.”

“Tracy, if this is dangerous for you, I don’t want to do it,” I said. “Seriously. This was supposed to be something fun, not intense and stressful.”

“Who’s making it intense and stressful?” she asked, sitting up completely straight in her chair, taking on her normal rigid appearance. “David, are you stressed?”

He shook his head no, and I rolled my eyes, resigned to the fact that neither of them was about to listen to me.

“What do I do?” I finally asked.

“Prepare your defenses and try to keep me out.”

“I’ll follow Tracy. I will alert you of any problems and let you know if you need to ease up,” David filled in.

“Okay, just give me a few minutes,” I said, shifting in my chair, still uneasy about this whole venture.
Prepare my defenses.
I pictured the caves Owen had taken me to see. They were so lovely, like nothing I’d ever seen before, let alone in the swamps of Florida. I wondered about the acoustics in the caves, imagining how enchanting and confusing a complex concerto would sound in such an echoey space. 

Taking a deep breath, I knew I wasn’t going to get any more ready than I was in that moment. I looked at Tracy. “Are you sure we should be doing this?” I asked, giving her one last chance to change her mind. But she didn’t answer me. Her eyes were closed, and she’d clearly already gotten to work. David gave me a short nod of reassurance, but then he closed his eyes, apparently following her into my mind.

It was odd to be on the other side of mind reading, to watch them both sit stock-still, knowing they were trying hard to violate my mind as I’d done with Tracy’s.

Too soon, I noticed a strained expression on Tracy’s face. Beads of sweat were forming on her forehead, and she gripped the arms of her chair much too tightly.

Before I could alert either of them to her physical distress, David opened his eyes. “Mackenzie, push her out. She’s floundering.”

“How can she be floundering? She’s only been poking around for a few seconds.”

“Time has no meaning in the space of your mind.”

My voice, a high and strained version of itself, mirrored the panic I felt. “But I don’t know where she is!”

His eyes were cold and demanding. “Then find her.”

The open spaces of my mind were vast, and I wasn’t sure where to start my search. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath and began, fanning out my thoughts to search for anything that didn’t belong. I tried to send out a signal to give her something familiar to grasp on to.

“Tracy?” I called out, but my voice echoed oddly inside my own head. She didn’t reply, and I had no way of knowing if she could hear me.

The memory of David’s words echoed in my mind.
She’s floundering.
I shuddered as I picked up the pace, scouring my mind for her.

She’s here somewhere. As long as I find her, she’ll be okay, right? None of my defenses could really hurt her, could they?
Of course they could. That was what they were designed to do. The thought gave me an even greater sense of urgency.

The problem with delving into a person’s mind was that the space inside was both finite—in that it was contained within your skull—and infinite—in that it went on for as far as your imagination allowed. It could take me years to find her if she got herself lost enough.

“Tracy, if you can hear me, stay where you are.”
If she keeps wandering, I may never find her. She could die with me seventy years from now.
The thought was horrible enough that I started running, searching desperately for her.

Finally, I felt an unfamiliar presence on the outskirts of my mind and smiled with relief. She hadn’t gotten very far after all.

I didn’t try to use a snowplow. My method for throwing her out was more like blowing up a balloon. It started small, until it filled my whole mind, leaving no space for anything that didn’t belong.

Resisting the urge to enjoy the peace of having my mind to myself again, I opened my eyes and turned to look at Tracy. She was bent forward, holding her head in her hands.

“Thank you,” she said, but I wasn’t sure who she was addressing.

“Tracy, I am so—”

“An apology isn’t necessary,” she said from behind her hands. She peeked out at me warily, looking haggard. My horror must have been obvious, because she gave me a weak smile. “Those are some impressive defenses. Combined with your grief, it makes one hell of a maze. I almost pity the Potestas who decide to try you. Almost.”

“What was it like?” I ventured, not sure how much she’d be willing to talk about it at the moment.

She sat back while David held a bottle of water out to her. Smiling at him gratefully, she took a long swallow before she began to speak again. “It was lovely at first. There were these rock formations, almost like I was in a cave. Then the music started playing, giving it the perfect atmosphere. I even sat down for a moment so I could enjoy your lovely creation. But when I started trying to find my way out of there, the music got louder, so loud that it echoed off the cave walls, disorienting me. Then the music turned dark. My feet became heavy with the sadness of it. I lost my will to keep walking. When you found me, I was debating sitting down right there—” she paused, “—forever.”

“Holy…” I trailed off, not finishing my exclamation. A myriad of emotions bombarded me in that moment. Fear of what I was, horror at what I’d done… but also pride in what I could do.

“David,” she said, turning her gaze to him. “You know this isn’t the first time I haven’t made it past someone’s defenses. It doesn’t happen very often, but it does happen. I am human after all.” He nodded, and I wasn’t sure where she was going with her assertion. Tracy was human, yes, but she was the best of the best at what she did. “But it
is
the first time I haven’t made it past a rookie’s.”

“What does that mean?” I asked.

“It means you’re a very formidable foe. And I’m glad you’re on our side,” she answered, the exhaustion creeping into her voice as she rolled her head around her shoulders, trying to stretch her neck.

David turned to her. “Are you up for training tomorrow?”

“I will be. For now, I’m done for the day.” She stood with some effort. “If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to lie down for a little while.” She looked at me before she left. “Good work today.”

She left David and me alone in the room. I thought we were done for the day, but when I stood to follow her, he gestured for me to sit back down.

“A word,” he said. My legs collapsed automatically, flouncing me back into the chair I’d just vacated.

“I’m worried about you,” he said.

“I’m sorry?” I phrased it like a question, not sure how to respond.

“You need to learn how to handle your grief.” He was very matter of fact about it, acting like it was something that should be easy for me.

Anger compressed my lips into a thin line, keeping any sharp comments locked tightly behind them, for once.

“Control is a dangerous and difficult skill. If you don’t pull it together, you could hurt someone… or yourself.”

My eyes narrowed, seemingly of their own accord. “If that’s true, and I’m so out of control, why are you pushing me to do these things?”

He frowned at me, and we sat in a stalemate for several minutes. Finally, I’d had enough.

“Am I free to go?” I asked, hoping the ice in my voice would make him shiver.

It didn’t. After he simply nodded, I stormed out. He was the one who’d wanted me to start working and training. He was the one who’d wanted me to contribute so soon. Now he had the nerve to imply I wasn’t ready? That I was a danger to myself and others? It was an absolute outrage.

I knew I wasn’t ready to start. But David continued to force me to plow forward. But now that it wasn’t playing out how he wanted, he had the nerve to put the blame on me? To tell
me
to get
my
shit together?

I was so angry that I nearly collided with Owen in the stairwell. “Whoa, what’s wrong? You barreled down on me like a boulder on Indiana Jones.”

“Nothing,” I said and shook my head. He wouldn’t understand. He had made it all too clear that he didn’t think I was ready either.

“You’re right. There are flames hot enough to melt this staircase flickering in your eyes, but there’s clearly nothing wrong.”

I rolled my eyes, but I decided to tell him. “David doesn’t think I’m ready for the lesson on control.”

He frowned, but whatever his personal opinions were—and I had a pretty good idea—he decided to keep them to himself. “What happened today? I thought it was supposed to be defensive training day. Something fun.”

“That’s not how it turned out,” I began, and then I relayed the morning’s events. Once I’d told him the whole story, I sank down onto the nearest step, feeling overcome by defeat.

“Maybe David’s right,” I said in a small voice. “Maybe you’re right. But if you are, what is my purpose here? What am I supposed to do with myself?” My voice quavered as I thought of Tracy’s haggard expression, all because of me, all because of what I’d done to her.

“I think I was wrong,” he said quietly as he took a seat beside me on the stairs. “No, I didn’t think you were ready. Honestly, I don’t think
you
thought you were ready. But you’ve become more and more focused every day since returning to training. I haven’t had to pry you out of bed in quite a long time. That’s a win.”

I smiled weakly as I stared at my shoes, and he went on, his voice growing softer, warmer. “You’re even smiling again, even if it’s just little ones, and even if it doesn’t reach your eyes yet. I know it will someday, and I’m willing to wait.” Tears filled my eyes, but not from grief or sadness. They were tears of gratitude.

He raised my chin with his hand. “Plus, control is a fun skill. Imagine finding someone who bullied you in middle school. Or that guy who attacked you when Mitchell found you! You could make him pick his nose and eat it in public.”

Laughing out loud at that, I pulled away from his hand and swiped at the tear that was trickling down my face. “He probably does that on his own.”

Maybe I was ready and maybe I wasn’t. Maybe that wasn’t the point.

“Life happens whether you’re ready or not. It’s probably best to just enjoy the ride and try your damnedest to stay in the seat,” I said, feeling the weight of Maddie’s arm around my shoulder.

“Who said that?” he asked.

I lifted my hand to my shoulder and came up empty. “Maddie.”

“We normally do control exercises with other members of the Unseen, so I can keep watch on what’s going on and make sure it doesn’t get out of control.” Tracy paused, and I couldn’t help thinking of yesterday’s training exercise. I hung my head sheepishly, but if she noticed my reaction, she didn’t comment.

“However, I’m not sure I want everyone in the group to know just how powerful you are quite yet,” Tracy continued. “I need to understand your methods better before word spreads. Then, I can start teaching the others to do what you do. The more people who know, the quicker the Potestas can find out about you. They have spies everywhere. They already know you’re special, but they have no idea what they’re in for with you. The longer we can keep that a secret, the better our advantage.”

I groaned inwardly, and she must’ve seen the expression on my face.

“Who did you tell, and how much did you tell them?”

“I didn’t tell them anything about you or your secrets. That was the only thing you asked me to keep to myself before.” The words came out quickly, as if they might build a wall capable of holding back her anger.

“Who did you tell, and how much did you tell them?” Her stern tone didn’t make me want to hear the question a third time.

“Owen and Mitchell. I just told them I made it past your defenses. All of them.”

“No one else.” She said it like it was a command, not a request.

I nodded as quickly as I could, and she moved on.

“So, anyway, I’ve asked—”

I cut her off. “No. Not David.” The force of my anger made the words echo in the small room.

She stopped, clearly surprised by my interjection.

“Can’t we do this on our own?”

She hesitated, but I pushed. “I know I didn’t instill much trust in you yesterday, but this isn’t you coming at me, this is me coming at you. That’s always gone pretty well in the past.”

“Control is a dangerous skill,” she started.

“So I’ve heard.” David’s warning shaped the words, making them more sarcastic than I’d intended. Lucky for me, Tracy ignored the comment completely.

“It can be an odd feeling, to control someone else. With your history of seeing just how far you can go without asking permission first, I’m not sure it’s a good idea for us to try this alone.

I cringed. She was absolutely right. I’d done nothing to warrant her trust. “Please,” I pleaded, but then I sighed. “If you feel like you need to have someone else in here, please choose someone besides David. What about Owen or Mitchell? They already know. Or Camden? He seems pretty discreet.”

She sighed, taking in my desperation. “What’s the problem with David? I thought you might enjoy working with him again. Did something happen after I left?”

My voice hardened of its own accord. “No.”

Tracy scoffed. “Clearly.”

She frowned, but I could tell her resolve was weakening. After staring at me for a long, silent moment, she said, “I am going to give you a task. You are to do that, and only that. If you push it, there will be consequences for you. No matter how talented you are, you cannot hope to have a future here if the other members of your team can’t trust you.”

Nodding quickly, I tried to paint my face with the most innocent look I possessed.

Her frown deepened into disapproval. “Do
not
make me regret this, Mackenzie.”

I gave her a weak smile, hoping to show her I was grateful for this chance to prove I could be trusted.

“Fine. Let’s get started. Controlling someone from within their mind is the easiest, and sometimes safest, way to diffuse a potentially deadly situation. If you’re staring down the barrel of a gun, you only have to slip into the attacker’s mind to convince them to lower the weapon and walk away.

“However, the method isn’t without risks. It takes extreme concentration. And if you’re face to face with your attacker, it’s dangerous to leave your body vulnerable while you’re delving into their mind. Particularly if they’re working with an accomplice.” She paused, and I wondered if she’d experienced something like that before. After seeing so many of her memories, they were a blur. All except one. You’d think you would know a person well after watching her whole life, but the experience had been fast and overwhelming. It had left me with more questions than answers about what made Tracy
Tracy
.

“You don’t have to actually control the person in a puppeteer sort of way. All you have to do is plant an idea. They’re much more likely to do what you want if they believe they thought of it first. So be both subtle and specific. Their own ideas and personality will mold your original thought, the same way water and sunlight inspire growth in a growing plant. It can change the outcome drastically if you’re not careful.

“What I want you to do first is get me to write a sentence. The sentence can be whatever you, or I, want. Just force me to put pen to paper. Nothing more, nothing less.” A piece of paper and pen were already sitting on the table between us.

“A sentence,” I repeated.

“That’s right. Now get to work.”

“Tracy, how exactly do you implant an idea when you’re in the middle of the blackness of someone’s mind?”

“Ideally, with subtlety. Some people just whisper a command and hope it takes, others try something a bit more actionable, like creating a false memory. As always, you need to see what works for you.”

Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes and made my way through her defenses. It felt like it took me forever, but each time I walked through her battlefield and up to her wall, it got a little easier.

Finally, I found myself in the dark space once again.
Plant an idea,
I thought. Easy enough, right? But how was I supposed to plant an idea? It wasn’t like I could be literal about it. There weren’t any gardening supplies in the expanse of darkness that surrounded me. Or, if there were, I couldn’t see them.

Then there was the problem of what I should have her write.
I see your mind.
No, too creepy.
Hey Tracy.
Not thoughtful enough. Then I had it.

With no other ideas for how to
plant an idea
, I shouted the phrase desperately into the darkness. I thought my desperation might give her some urgency. That done, I waited. I couldn’t tell if anything was happening, so I shouted it again. Still no visible change, so I decided to open my eyes and reassess the situation. Maybe she could give me some tips on what I was doing wrong, or how I might go about the assignment differently.

Tracy was holding the paper in her hands and staring blankly ahead, as if she’d been reading it. She put it down so I could see, but she didn’t look at me.

Are you writing this, or am I?
was scrawled messily on the page. Twice.

“That must’ve been you. My handwriting isn’t that messy,” I said, trying to lighten the mood. But she only blinked.

“What an odd experience,” she said, her voice sounding distant, as if her mind was still someplace else.

“You’ve never been controlled before?”

“No. I’ve done it to others, dozens of times. But that…” She trailed off.

Folding my arms over my chest, I felt very proud of what I had done. I had controlled the uncontrollable. “So, how was it?”

“Uncomfortable.” She slouched a little in her chair and leaned heavily on the table.

I opened my mouth, but the words didn’t come. Uncomfortable wasn’t the word I’d expected. In the back of my mind, I’d hoped she might express some pride in my accomplishment. I hadn’t taken the time to consider what my accomplishment might have done to her. Then my mind jumped to the most probable ways control would be used against the enemy.

“Have you ever made someone do anything…” I paused, not sure how to finish that sentence.

“Unsavory?” she asked, and then nodded once.

I didn’t want to know, and I was suddenly thankful for the fact that most of her memories were now a blur in my mind. I didn’t want an image like that—of her questioning someone forcefully, or worse—to color my opinion of her. Anyway, I had no idea how I would react in a similar high-stakes scenario, so I felt like I had no right to judge her.

“Tracy, can I ask you something?” She looked at me, and I noticed her face had started to turn a pale shade of green, almost like she might be sick at any moment.

She nodded and swallowed hard.

“Is… what you did the kind of thing you and David have in mind for me?”

Her eyes cleared a bit, and some of her resolve seemed to return. “I don’t know. We’re relying on you to save the world and crush the Potestas, so whatever that entails is what you’ll be expected to do.”

I slumped in my seat. “Is that all?”

She laughed out loud, and the abruptness of the unexpected sound startled me. “Relax. I’m kidding. Don’t you know a joke when you see one?” The smile on her face seemed to bring some normal color back into her cheeks. Although she still looked a little pale, she wasn’t so green anymore.

“Not from you,” I said, a bit indignant.

Despite the sweat on her forehead, she was sitting a little straighter, as if the bad feelings from being controlled were draining from her. Frankly, I was glad it had passed so quickly.

“You will be expected to be part of this team, nothing more, nothing less. You won’t be made to do something that makes you uncomfortable, but you are expected to contribute.”

“I am ready to contribute. I’m tired of being a mooch, nothing but a gray cloud hanging around here. I want to get out, start working.”

“Good, because your first real-world assignment is being handed down tomorrow.”