Unforgiven (3 page)

“How did it go?” he asked.

“She lacks the focus and drive she once had,” Tracy said in a low voice. “I don’t know how to help her. I didn’t react this way to my own losses. I felt them, sure, but the drive to honor the people I’d lost was stronger than the pull of grief.” She paused for a moment, and I considered her words. Was I really dishonoring Maddie with my actions? “I’m worried about her, David.”

“You’re not alone on that front,” he said and they both walked away, leaving me alone in my haze.

A few moments later, Owen knocked lightly on the open door. “Hey. How’d it go?”

I didn’t answer him. I just stared at the wall, feeling like I’d failed Maddie all over again. But how could I summon the strength to honor her? I could barely get myself out of bed every day.

“That well, huh?” He pulled Tracy’s chair up next to me and glanced at the spot on the wall I was currently boring my eyes into.

I opened my mouth to tell him what Tracy had said, to pour my heart out to him. Maybe I would feel better for it. Maybe he would tell me she was wrong, that I wasn’t dishonoring Maddie. But the haze weighed down my tongue. Closing my mouth again, I wondered what good it would do to tell him. What did it even matter?

“It doesn’t matter.” I pasted on a fake smile that probably looked more like a grimace and patted his knee. Then I stood to leave the room.

“Hey, wait up,” he called after me. “Aren’t you coming to dinner?”

“Sure,” I said, stopping in my tracks for just long enough for him to reach me. Thinking about Tracy’s battlefield, I wondered again what my own mind would look like to an intruder.
Haze, nothing but an oppressive, suffocating haze.
A dark smile crept across my lips as I thought about one of the Potestas getting hopelessly lost in my haze.
Maybe then those murderous bastards would get their due for killing Maddie.

Owen eyed me. “What?”

“Nothing.” I needed to redirect him, but that required effort, speaking. But the worry that he would continue to question me about my training, and that I might end up telling him what Tracy had said afterwards, loosened my tongue. “Hey, have you ever gotten into Tracy’s mind?” I rarely asked him questions or initiated conversation anymore, so he jumped at the chance to engage with me.

Owen took my hand in his as we climbed the steps, making our way toward the dining room. “Heck no. I don’t know if anyone has. I take it you saw her defenses?”

“Yeah. I’m a little creeped out by her war zone.”

He chuckled. “Yeah, Tracy’s a unique woman.”

Hearing people’s thoughts for years and years was completely different from deliberately entering someone’s mind. I had no idea what most minds looked like on the inside, despite my years of listening. “So, what is a normal woman’s mind like?”

His laughter echoed off the walls of the stairwell. “There is no normal when it comes to women. Most men are pretty simplistic. They tend to compartmentalize, and most of them never have more than one compartment open at any given moment.”

“I don’t really know what that means.”

Shaking his head, he said, “No, but you will. Once you get the hang of things, you’ll blow past Tracy’s defenses, and everyone else’s for that matter. I’m sure of it.”

“Did you?”

“I got past the barbed wire, but not the trenches. She let me advance once I was past that.”

So, there could be advancement without perfection. But to achieve the bare minimum, I had to get past the fence. “How’d you manage that?”

“I just took a running leap. Maybe not the most elegant approach.” He shrugged. “Scratched me to ribbons and shocked the heck out of me, but it worked.”

I felt a frown crease my forehead. I wasn’t sure I had the strength to jump over the fence, particularly after my attempt that afternoon. It was at least two feet wide, and as tall as I was. I thought of Maddie’s silent, almost companionable, presence with me in Tracy’s mind. Maybe she could help me vault over. It wasn’t the subtle solution Tracy wanted, but it might work.

The question of whether Owen had ever brought his lost loved ones with him into someone else’s mind hovered on my lips. But I shook my head. No, he would most likely tell me that I needed to focus, that mind reading was dangerous if you weren’t one hundred percent in the moment. It was best to keep my silent companion to myself.

As we ate dinner in silence, I vowed to at least try to jump Tracy’s fence the next day. After all, what did I have to lose?

The following day, Maddie and I found ourselves facing the barbed wire again. I turned to her. “Wanna give me a lift?”

She didn’t react, only stared straight ahead. I’d never tried to engage her before, and I regretted it almost immediately. In life, she’d always been so full of energy, but the form next to me was stony and lifeless. The smile on her face looked like it had been pasted there. My Maddie would’ve offered suggestions as we went along, chattering nonstop about how we could break down Tracy’s defenses. She never would’ve kept a silent vigil by my side. She would’ve dived right into the problem, getting it wrong right along with me until we got it right.

I tapped her arm a few times, trying to get her attention, but her skin wasn’t soft and warm like it should have been. It was hard, unyielding, and cold. “Could you help me out?” I said quietly, becoming more and more unsure of my decision to keep her with me.

Again, she didn’t respond. I stared into her face. It held the same smiling expression, but a sinking certainty slowly settled in. It wasn’t her. My Maddie would’ve walked through fire for me. My Maddie
did
walk through fire for me. This wasn’t my Maddie. It was a ghost, a poor excuse for her memory. Nothing more; nothing less.

I collapsed onto the cold, damp ground of Tracy’s mind.

As soon as I hit the gravel, Maddie turned to ash and blew away on a gentle breeze, leaving me utterly alone on the battlefield.

“Who are you talking to?” Tracy asked.

A sob at the back of my throat held the answer behind it.

Seeing my pained expression, she released me for the day, and I didn’t hesitate to leave. Practically running from the room, I pushed past Owen and ran straight to my room where my bed awaited me.

In the days that followed, I didn’t have any luck getting past Tracy’s defenses. Owen tried to comfort me, but his concern was plain in the way he tiptoed around me. He tried to be encouraging at every opportunity, and never pushed me to do anything I wasn’t ready for, but I could see the worry in his eyes. Tracy seemed more and more concerned with each passing day.

But I just couldn’t bring myself to try very hard. As soon as I found myself in her mental landscape, I would just sit Indian style in front of the barbed wire fence day after day, unable to properly concentrate on the task at hand. All I could think about was the image of Maddie disintegrating in front of me and how alone I felt on, and off, that battlefield.

She’s left me forever,
I thought one afternoon as the dew from Tracy’s battlefield seeped through my yoga pants. But the cold couldn’t compete with the shivers of loneliness wracking my body at that moment.

After a week had passed with no progress, Tracy took action.

I sat across from her and started to enter her mind, but she stopped me. “Today, we’re just going to talk.”

“What?” Tracy never wanted to talk. My curiosity threatened to part the haze.

“It has never taken you this long to make progress with your training. You might not master a skill right away, but you can at least stumble toward achieving it.” She paused, searching my face. “I can tell you’re not even trying.”

What was I supposed to say to that? She was right, I wasn’t trying, and I didn’t want to try. I just wanted to be left alone.

You
are
alone.
The thought nearly loosed the sob I was keeping at bay in the back of my throat.

She sighed. “You know, Mackenzie, I understand how you feel. I’ve lost friends, family, loved ones.” She paused. “Seems like everyone I get close to is eventually taken from me.”

My grief turned to anger in a flash, and I glared at her. If she’d felt losses too, why couldn’t she throw me a rope? Because she’d
honored
her loved ones by working harder, not despairing? She thought my depression was a weakness. “Turns out I’m not so special after all, huh?” I sneered. “Everyone’s got some sob story here. You all know what I’m going through, but somehow, no one can understand my behavior.” I stood up, but before I stormed out, I threw one last barb Tracy’s way.

“I guess I’ve dishonored Maddie for too long, hmm? I must be a lost cause.”

I started toward the door, but I didn’t make it two steps before Tracy’s vice-like grip snatched my arm. “What do you mean, you’ve dishonored Maddie?”

“I heard what you said to David about how you reacted differently to your losses. And how my actions are dishonoring Maddie’s memory.” I looked at her accusingly, practically spitting the words at her.

She let go of my arm. “That’s not exactly what I said. And just because we handle our grief differently doesn’t mean I’m right and you’re wrong. It just means I’m not sure how best to help you.”

I sank back down into my chair, pouting, although I wasn’t really sure why. Tracy wasn’t wrong in her assessment. Then again, neither was I.

We sat in stalemate for a few moments until Tracy softly spoke up. “Mackenzie, think about how hurt you are over Maddie’s death. Don’t you want to work hard to keep it from happening again, if not for you, then for someone else? Think of another young woman losing her best friend. Why would you wish that on someone?”

“I don’t,” I said after a few heartbreaking beats.

“But your actions, or lack thereof, say you do.”

I thought about that for a moment. I had been taking Owen and the Unseen for granted. What if they needed me to be an active part of their team? What if my lack of care helped lead to their downfall? Then I would really be alone. The thought made me shudder.

Tracy leaned forward, her blue eyes boring into what was left of my hazy soul. “You have the power to defeat the Potestas once and for all. After everything they’ve done to you, why wouldn’t you want to seize that power?”

My eyes narrowed as I thought of all the ways I would harm them if I ever found out who they were. They would beg for death before I was done with them; I would make sure of that. “I do,” I said, my voice low and menacing.

Tracy sat back in her chair, a satisfied smile on her face. “Then let’s get to work.”

The rest of the training day was frustrating for me. My new resolve made me daring. I finally tried vaulting over her barbed wire, but I didn’t get enough speed or height and ended up in a tangled mess. The barbed wire poked into my arms and legs, and the fence gave me the shock of a lifetime. Tracy laughed at me as I tried to soothe my invisible wounds on the other side of the training room.

“Decided not to go with a subtle approach, eh?” she said through her laughter.

My glare just made her laugh harder.

“I suppose that’s enough for today.” She looked at me as she stood. “It was a good effort today, if unsuccessful. That’s all I want from you. Effort.”

I nodded, still rubbing my arms as she walked out.

That night, as Owen and I ate dinner in the dining room, I couldn’t concentrate on the conversation unfurling around us. At least it wasn’t because of my haze this time. It was because of Tracy’s barbed wire. How could I get past it?

“So, are you getting excited about Coda?” Owen asked me.

“What?” I looked up at him, trying to replay what he’d said. “Oh, yeah. Sure.”

He frowned. “Sure seems like it.” He stabbed at his food, clearly frustrated with me.

In that moment, I felt bad about my behavior. He’d done something thoughtful and kind to try to make me feel better, and I’d basically ignored it. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” I reached across the table and touched his hand to let him know I meant it. He looked up from his plate, a hopeful expression on his face. “I’m trying,” I said simply.

He turned his hand over and grabbed mine. “I know.”

Our hands remained entwined as we ate in silence for a few moments, until I couldn’t stand it anymore. “I tried jumping the fence today.”

“Oh? How’d it go?”

I cringed at the memory. My arms still ached, and I felt a little twitchy from the shock.

“That good, huh? So, what’s your next move?”

“I honestly don’t know. I’m out of ideas.”

“Wow, you’re in trouble if your only idea was one of mine.”

I balled up my napkin and threw it at him, and he laughed louder than the situation warranted.

Mitchell sat a few seats down from us, trying to give us some space to eat together. But I wanted to pick his brain. “Hey Mitchell,” I called out. He looked up and nodded. “How did you get past Tracy’s defenses?”

“Well, I—” Just as I was about to get my answer, I spotted Tracy carrying her dinner plate across the room. She walked over and put a hand on Mitchell’s shoulder.

“He got creative. Perhaps that’s something you should consider, instead of stealing ideas from your colleagues. Out in the field, you’ll have no one but yourself to rely on,” she said. After giving me a disapproving frown that made me feel about five years old, she walked away.

“Great,” I said. “I’ve disappointed her again.” It was out of my mouth before I could stop it, and I cringed, bracing myself for Owen’s reaction.

But he didn’t bombard me with questions or encouragement. He simply moved the conversation to lighter things. “I was thinking I’d rent a limo for Coda. Really show my girl a good time.”

“That sounds great.” I said, successfully forcing a small smile. The emotion wasn’t there, but at least I knew my face could still form the expression.

“Maybe you should get a new dress to wear. You know, just for fun.”

“Maybe I should.” But the thought of shopping without Maddie threatened to throw me back into darkness. “Maybe I can borrow something from one of the other girls.” Seeing the disappointment crowd in on his expression, I added, “The festival is three days long. Who can afford three brand-new fancy dresses anyway?”

“Being awfully presumptuous, aren’t we? I never said I’d take you to all three days.” He smiled mischievously behind his fork as he stabbed at his salad.

“Oh, well, I’m not planning to miss any of the days. I can always find another date if you’re not willing. I hear I’m quite exceptional.” I didn’t really feel that special after my morning with Tracy, but I said it anyway. Perhaps faking confidence would help me feel it once more.

“Yes, well, being exceptional is an attractive quality.” The desire in his eyes was hard to ignore.

It sparked something deep inside me, something that had been lying dormant for weeks. But before it could catch, I went back to eating my dinner, feeling drained from the effort of holding back the haze. Mitchell eyed me from across the table, and he gave me a knowing nod.

Honestly, I would’ve welcomed some quiet time with Mitchell, but Owen was done with his research for the moment, so that meant a movie after dinner. I dreaded the nightly movie, since my bed was calling to me more loudly than ever. But at least it would relieve me of social obligations such as talking. If Owen had wanted to go for a walk, play a game with the others, or do anything else requiring some kind of interaction from me, I might have collapsed right there in front of him.

No, that night, I didn’t need to exchange pleasantries. I needed… what? Peace. To figure out how to get into Tracy’s mind. Maddie’s face floated across my mind’s eye once more—that same lifeless Maddie who’d accompanied me to the war zone. A sob bubbled at the back of my throat, but it didn’t make it nearly as close to escaping, which I considered a win.

After the movie, I went to bed with visions of Tracy, her battlefield, Maddie, and my old life swirling in my head, unable to find peace as they all warred for space and the haze threatened at the edges of my mind.

The following day, I sat in front of Tracy’s fence, wondering what to do. Then a sudden thought occurred to me. Something Tracy had said about reality. What was it?

Reality is a fluid concept in the world of the mind. It’s real because your mind believes it to be.

I looked at her fence, knowing it wasn’t real. None of it was. The reality was that I was sitting in the training room in a particularly uncomfortable metal chair across from a hard-as-nails woman who was both trying to keep me out of her mind and secretly hoping I’d get in. I wasn’t on an old battlefield. It wasn’t a relic of death and destruction from long ago. It was Tracy’s made-up ruse to keep people at a distance, and it worked.

“It’s not real,” I said aloud as I stretched out my hand toward the fence. Closing my hand over one of the barbs, I didn’t brace myself for the stabbing to come or the shock of electricity. It wasn’t real, and I finally knew it. The barb passed through my hand as if I were a ghost.

I waited silently for Tracy’s response, thinking she’d notice I discovered her weakness. Surprisingly, she said nothing, so I stood up and took a step toward her fence. One more and I’d be right in the middle of it, or it would be right in the middle of me. It was an odd feeling to have a barbed wire fence go straight through the center of your body. My body screamed that there should be some kind of sensation, but I forced my mind to remain calm.

It’s not real,
I repeated to myself. Slowly, in no more than four steps, I walked straight through the fence that had kept me at bay for weeks. When I reached the other side, I turned to look back to look at the battlefield I’d finally crossed. I wanted to dance, to celebrate my victory, but I didn’t. Tracy hadn’t seemed to notice my breach, and I didn’t want to draw attention to myself yet. I wanted to see just how far I could go. I pushed on.

Approaching the trenches slowly, I peered down into them. Owen had said he never made it past the trenches, but he hadn’t told me why. It made me leery. A yellow fog hung inside, obstructing the view to the bottom.
Mustard gas?
I wondered.

Squatting down at the edge of the trench, I debated what to do. It was too wide to just jump over. I’d have to climb through it, which meant breathing in whatever that yellow fog was. It would get on my skin, in my eyes, and in my lungs. I imagined it burning holes in my clothes, leaving me coughing and clawing at my eyes. Just the thought was enough to make me want to turn around.
It’s either real or it isn’t,
I told myself as I hopped down into the abyss.

The instinct to cough was overwhelming. To squelch it, I took a deep breath and swallowed, reminding myself that the gas was a creation of Tracy’s mind. When I took in a deep breath, it was the air in the training room that was entering my lungs, not the yellow fog that surrounded my subconscious self.

Turned out the trench wasn’t that deep, just tall enough to cover my head. If I stood on my tiptoes, I could barely see over the edge of it. I walked to the other side, working hard to not get disoriented, and hoisted myself back onto the battlefield.

Looking back toward the fence, I silently congratulated myself, feeling like my accomplishment warranted some kind of fanfare.
Two down. One to go.

But when I turned around again, I realized an immense and foreboding wall of dark bricks stood in front of me. Stretching as far and as high as I could see, it loomed over me. Smooth to the touch, there was no way to climb it, and I feared I could walk forever and never come to the end of it. There was no gate, no weak point, no corners, not even a tiny little storm drain. This wall had been built to keep people out, and it served its purpose well.