Unlovable (33 page)

You are such a happy,
independent child. You never
complane
complain, not even when
you’re hungry, and you take good care of me, though I don’t deserve
it. I’m not a good mother, yes, I know, but things are about to
change. Never again will you see me drunk. Never again will I spend
our last dollar on booze. This is my birthday gift to you. You mean
so much to me. It’s going to be better around here, baby girl. I
was a nice person before I started drinking, and you’ll see that
now. It’s going to be good for
me
us.

Love always,
Mom

My mother wrote this? I was
dumbfounded. She truly loves me, or at least she did at one point.
I grabbed the second letter, opening it carefully and began
devouring the words.

Happy 11th birthday,
Maggie,

Well, I failed at writing
you a letter each year on your birthday, and I failed at not
drinking again. I’m an all-around failure. No matter how I try, I
just can’t seem to give it up.

This year will be
difer
different, Maggie.
I’m entering a rehabilitation center for alcoholics. I found
someone to take care of you while I’m at the center for a month.
She’s really nice, and I think you’ll like her. I’ve known her for
a while, her name is Mrs. Gianchi, and she’s a mental health
counselor. Her parents had a problem with alcohol too. She
understands what we’re going through, and I know she can be trusted
with the most important thing in my life–you.

I’ve never told you this,
but I was set to give you up for adoption when you were born.
Surprised? But when the nurse placed you in my arms, I couldn’t let
you go. At the moment, I swore never to drink again, determined to
be a good mom. I even managed to stay sober for five months, but
obviously, I failed. I was selfish for not giving you up. You
should have been placed into a good home with loving parents,
plenty of food to eat, decent clothes to wear, and all the love you
deserve.

I know I say cruel things
to you at times. I’m so full of self-hate it just seems to spew
out. I’m a despicable person, Maggie. Some days I want you to hurt
as badly as I do. Whenever you bring your report cards home from
school full of A’s, I never acknowledge your achievements because I
feel guilty knowing you had to study all by yourself, with no help
from your drunk of a mother. I’m very sorry.

Yet despite my miserable
example, you have a beautiful heart. I watch you play with the
other kids in the
neiberh
neighborhood, and you’re a little mother to them.
You help them when they are hurt, and cheer them up when they’re
sad. You do for them what I should be doing for you.

Things are going to get
better. By your next birthday, you won’t even recognize me. We’re
going to have fun too. We may not have much money, but we’ll have
fun. You’re the only good thing I ever did, sweetheart.

I love you, Mom

I re-read it four times, each time
being filled with both love and anger toward her. Why had she never
told me any of these things? For years I felt overwhelmed by the
emptiness that engulfed me. As my body starved for food, my soul
had a hunger all its own, it was starving to be loved. So desperate
for it, I wasted two months of my life on Zack, hoping he’d help
fill the void, only he created a deeper chasm.

I had felt loved once. I felt loved by
Seth. However, that wasn’t real either, just the desperate desires
of a foolish girl. Why did I ever trust him?

My thoughts of Seth brought me back to
the letters. I shouldn’t have read them, they were my mom’s private
feelings. I was angry with Seth for the very thing I was doing with
these letters, violating a trust.

I gathered up the two letters and put
them away, promising myself I wouldn’t read the last one. After
carefully replacing them back between the mattresses, I took out my
homework and began studying. I felt a peace inside knowing she had
loved me once and an evil math assignment couldn’t take that away.
Sleep also came a little easier than it had the past few days as
the thoughts of my mother’s letter warmed my heart.

However, it didn’t last.

“
Miss Brown?” asked the
unfamiliar voice on the phone.

“
Yes!” I was awakened from a
peaceful sleep by the ringing of the cell phone. My heart was
pounding fiercely in my ears, making it difficult to
hear.

“
This is the receptionist at
Port Fare General Hospital. Dr. Colter asked me to call you. He
said it is urgent you get in touch with him.”

“
Can I speak to
him?”

“
You want me to try and find
him now? I’m an immensely busy person. I have to answer these
phones, take and deliver messages, and, well, many other things.
You’ll have to wait until tomorrow. If I happen to see Dr. Colter,
I’ll let him know, good evening.” She hung up. The woman was
definitely in no danger of being named “Employee of the
Month.”

I was dressed and out the door three
minutes later. Two blocks down the road, a police car came
screeching up with its lights flashing. Was there a curfew I didn’t
know about? The door opened and out stepped Booker.

“
Where exactly are you
going, it’s almost midnight? Don’t you know we still haven’t caught
the men who tried to hurt your mother?”

“
The hospital called, and
Dr. Colter needs to talk to me. Something’s wrong, I have to reach
my mother,” I said, not trying in the slightest to sound
polite.

“
I just talked to Cole, he
didn’t mention an emergency. I’ll call him back.”

“
No! I want to see her,
now.” As I started to walk past him, he reached out for me. “Don’t
touch me!”

“
Maggie!” He looked as if I
had slapped him across the face. “Stop acting like a child. It’s
not our fault this all happened. We have a job to do, and
unfortunately, you’re involved.”

I didn’t want to discuss Seth, or the
drug case. “I just want to see my mother.”

Despite my protests, Booker took out
his cell phone, and while grumbling under his breath, punched the
numbers on the keypad. “Hello, Cole, I have Maggie with me. She
said—Yes, Seth’s Maggie. No, I found her running down the street
trying to get to the hospital. Yes, I pointed out the time,
however, someone from the hospital called her and said you wanted
to talk to h—Yes.” Booker handed me the phone.

“
Maggie, the receptionist
made a mistake,” Dr. Colter said. “I wanted to speak with you in
the
morning
about
your mother. There’s something important we need to go
over.”

“
Okay,” I said, taking a
deep breath. His voice was calm and gentle, making it difficult to
be upset.

“
Thank you. How about
tomorrow morning at ten? There’s a café across the street from the
hospital.”

“
Yes, ten is
good.”

“
Have Booker give you my
personal cell phone number, feel free to call anytime. One more
thing, please be careful, these drug dealers mean business. We were
lucky with your mom, I doubt we’ll be that lucky again.” Booker
handed me a piece of paper with a phone number written on it,
evidently having heard our entire conversation.

“
I’ll take you home.” I
shook my head. “Sorry, you can’t walk alone.” He held out his hand
in the direction of my house, and I started walking.

“
Seth really does love you,
you know.” He continued, despite my silence. “I’ve known him his
entire life, and I can honestly say I’ve never seen him as happy as
he has been with you.” Increasing my pace, he followed
suit.

“
Listen, Jailbait, he had a
job to do, put yourself in his place,” he snapped.

Jailbait? What the heck!

“
We thought you were a drug
addict. What was he supposed to do, ask you who you bought your
stuff from?”

I reeled around so fast it
startled him, and he stepped back. If it was possible to
spontaneously combust, I would have done it right there on the
spot. “How could you
possibly
think I was an addict? I’ve never been in any
trouble.”

“
Maggie,” he said softly,
resting a hand on my shoulder. “You had many of the signs, we had
no idea you were slowly starving to death. And for the record, I
was the one that suspected you. Seth was adamant about your
innocence, insisting that it didn’t add up. He pointed to your high
GPA, and how you tutored other kids in English during your lunch
hour.” He laughed. “He had it bad for you from the start. I’m sorry
I didn’t believe him.”

Afraid I would burst into tears, I
pulled away and continued walking toward my house. I’d gone no more
than three steps when Booker started up again.

“
He’s devastated about
hurting you, and he blames himself. He wanted to tell you sooner,
but when he finally got the okay, he was afraid of how you’d react.
He was hoping by the time you did find out, your love would be
strong enough that you’d forgive him. I guess he was
wrong.”

His statement cut through me. When we
arrived at my place, I thanked him without looking back. “Maggie,
whether you like it or not, it appears that somehow your mother’s
involved.”

“
Did Cole mention my
mother’s drug screen came up negative?”

“
No, that is good news.” He
seemed genuinely pleased with the news.

“
As did mine. So I guess you
and Seth can leave us alone.”

His smile vanished. “Please give him
another chance.”

I stared directly into his
beautiful brown eyes. “My entire life I’ve never trusted anyone,
I’ve never had anyone
to
trust. I’ve taught myself to believe in me, and no
one else, and then the one time I do, I’m stabbed in the
back.”

“
He’s not perfect, Maggie,
I’ll give you that, however, if you think you’ll find a perfect
person to love and trust, you can stop looking, because one doesn’t
exist. Good night.” He waited until I was safely inside before
leaving. I went into my room, cranked up my clock radio as loud as
it would go, and fell mindlessly onto my bed. No further thinking
tonight.

Up early the next morning, I rushed to
the hospital only to find a new device hooked up to my mother.
“This can’t be good.” At quarter to ten, I made my way down the
stairs and across the street to the café. Dr. Colter was already
there waiting with a plate of eggs and bacon in front of himself
and one opposite him.

“
I took the liberty of
ordering you breakfast,” he said warmly.

“
I’m not hungry, thank you
anyway,” I said. The eggs looked delicious. After eating nothing
but peanut butter sandwiches for several days, I was starving for
something different.

“
You need to keep up your
strength. It won’t help your mother if you end up in the bed next
to her.” He smiled again, his deep blue eyes radiating kindness
once more. I stood staidly. “Maggie, you’re extremely pale, and I
believe you’ve lost some weight. Please, sit down and eat some
breakfast.”

I caved. “Thanks.” I sat down and
devoured the breakfast way too quickly. It felt good to have warm
food in my belly again. When I finished, he summoned the server
over and ordered more food. “No, I’m fine, I couldn’t eat another
bite.” I could’ve eaten ten more platefuls, however, my pride was
rearing its ugly head once more.

“
You can take it home for
later,” he said casually. “Maggie, I’ll get to the point. Your
mother’s condition has gotten worse, and she needs a liver
transplant, the sooner the better. I’d like to place her on the
donor list if I can stabilize her.”

The server brought another plate of
food as Cole informed me of the different tests they had run on
her, and what they tried to do with medications. He said a liver
transplant was her only option at this point. I immediately shoved
the plate away, the smell made me sick. He had it taken away and
boxed it up.

“
Unfortunately, in her
current condition she’s not quite strong enough to endure a
transplant, it’s why we’re keeping her sedated. If we didn’t, she’d
be suffering with nausea, vomiting, and extreme mental confusion
owing to her condition. The strain on her already frail body
wouldn’t be good. I’m doing everything I can to help her, and I’ve
called every expert I can think of for advice,” he said
frustratedly.

I dropped back in my chair. “Can I
donate part of my liver to her when she’s strong enough? I remember
reading somewhere you can be a live liver donor.”

“
You can, but honestly,
Maggie, you’re too thin. I don’t feel your small body would be up
for the task. Even if you are a perfect match, I wouldn’t give my
approval for you to be a donor.”

I nodded, knowing he was probably
right.

“
Does your mother have any
other direct relatives?”

“
No, just me.” Swallowing
hard, I asked the question I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear the
answer to. “Are any of her problems from drug abuse?” I kept my
eyes on the table, unable to meet his gaze.