Until Now (Not Yet #2) (16 page)

“No!” I shouted, and Finn jumped. “Don’t do this to him. Don’t act like you’re still going to be here once the New Year comes. It’s not fair. I want you to leave.”

“I don’t want Dean to go,” Finn cried out, his eyes filling with tears.

I brushed a tear from his cheek. “We knew all along that he was leaving, baby. We talked about this. Dean’s getting ready to graduate college. Then he’s going to play football, and we will see him on television. But that’s it.”

“Grace,” Dean interrupted. “I don’t want to—”

“No!” I shouted, and Finn sobbed.

Finn pointed at Dean. “You cracked my heart.” Turning, he looked me right in the eye. “And I hate you.”

“Finn!” Dean called, but Finn ran to his room and slammed his door. “Red.” Dean’s voice was ragged. I looked up at his shiny eyes, and my own heart cracked open.

I couldn’t look at him any longer. “Please just go.”

He moved the envelope back in front of me. “Get some sleep, and then come tomorrow. We can work all this out later. It’s the biggest game of my life. There is no one I want there more than you. Please, Red. I need you there. Both of you.”

I didn’t answer him. I stayed on my knees, my eyes rooted on the worn tan carpet until I heard the door click.

And then I crawled onto the couch and cried myself to sleep.

***

“ARE YOU SURE you can make it to your exam?” Amy’s mom, Clare, asked. “You’ve been sick for a week. Dan told me he could get all of your exams rescheduled.”

I bent over to tie my shoe, and my hands shook. “I’ll be fine. You’ve stayed with me this whole time. I’ll never be able to repay you and Amy for your kindness.” I had no intention of calling in favors with Dan, Amy’s dad. I had to join the land of the living again.

Clare rubbed my back, and tears pricked at my eyes. The past week had been hell. I didn’t even remember texting Amy on Saturday morning. All I knew was that Amy and Clare arrived and told me I was burning up with a fever. They moved me into Finn’s room to keep me quarantined and settled into the family room with inflatable mattresses. I spent the next days in a fog, throwing up and sleeping almost constantly. Clare and Amy had taken Finn to daycare each day, fed him, played with him, bathed him, and put him to bed. They even managed to convince Finn that they were having a giant sleepover in the family room. They rescued me, and I couldn’t have managed without them.

“I’m happy we could help you, Grace. You scared us for a while. I still think we should have taken you to the hospital.” She handed me a Gatorade, and I sipped.

When Clare had roused me from sleep on day four to announce we were going to the hospital, I had a total meltdown. I begged and pleaded until she gave in. The fact was I couldn’t afford those bills and I couldn’t be away from Finn. What if the hospital contacted child services? Clare and Amy weren’t family. If someone tried to take Finn from me, I would die. Plain and simple. He was all I had to live for.

“I’m okay.” I powered my phone on and slipped it into my pocket. “I’m not back to normal, but I’m good enough. Go home and back to your life. Thank you, Clare.”

We hugged, and I walked her to her car. As I turned toward Ballantine Hall, I looked at my phone. Amy told me that Dean had called repeatedly on Saturday, so they turned off my phone. I wasn’t able to speak with my virus, let alone deal with that emotional minefield. I saw twelve missed texts from Dean, but I couldn’t read them right before my exam. I had to concentrate and pass this course. I couldn’t afford to fail a class and delay my graduation.

I reached into the other pocket of my jeans and pulled out a note from Finn. Amy told me that Finn fell apart when I got so sick. He believed he gave me the virus and that I hated him because he told me he hated me. As soon as I could sit up, we spoke, and I tried to reassure him, but he was thrown. I opened the picture. We stood together—Dean, Finn, and me—at the park, holding hands. “I sorry, Mama” was scrawled in crayon along the bottom of the page.

I choked back a sob as I folded the paper and put it into my pocket.

“Grace?” A hand gripped my forearm before I started up the stairs. I knew that voice. I wasn’t ready to hear that voice.

I looked to my left. “Hi, Dean.” My throat was dry, and my voice was weak.

Dean’s eyebrows pulled together. “Are you okay?”

I nodded and ran a hand through my hair. Even my hair seemed affected by this virus. The shiny red was dulled and thin. “Yes, just caught a cold.”

Dean looked me up and down. “Just a cold? You’ve lost a ton of weight.”

I pulled away from him. “No, I haven’t.” Total lie. I’d lost over ten pounds. I looked like I was only made of skin and bones. I would see Sylvie for the first time today at work, and I was pretty sure she would immediately force-feed me a bacon cheeseburger.

“I’ve called. And texted.” Dean looked away and then back at me. “You never came to the game, Red. Please talk to me.”

I looked down at my watch. “I have an exam. I have to go.” I started up the stairs and then turned around.
Be brave, Grace. Do what is best for Finn and Dean and cut all ties.
“Please make this easier on all of us and just let me go.” I watched his face fall, and then he turned around, walking out of my life.

He thought I’d let him go. The problem was, once I let him in and allowed myself to love him, I would never be able to let Dean Goldsmith go. Even though in the end, I always knew he would.

But that was for me to deal with. Right now I had a test to pass.

Chapter Nineteen

Dean

THE FANCY-ASS PEN felt heavy in my hand. “Sign here.” Andrew pointed to another line, and I scrawled my name across the bottom. My now-official agent held out his hand, and we shook. “I’m looking forward to making you a very rich man, Dean.”

I smiled. That was all I had right now. Andrew stood in the kitchen I grew up in and talked to my parents. Mom and Dad had liked him, and that was good enough for me. After winning the championship game, and as soon as my eligibility was announced from IU, agents had been contacting me left and right. I liked that Andrew had been the first one to approach me.

Andrew clasped my shoulder. “Have a great Christmas. I’ll see you in Florida.” IU was playing at the Citrus Bowl in Orlando on New Year’s Day, and my new agent wouldn’t miss it. He waved and made his way out the door. He had wanted that contract signed pretty damn bad to drive out here on Christmas Eve.

Business first, I guess. Football had always come first to me too.

Until now.

Focus, Goldsmith. Focus on football.

Andrew’s firm had secured me a spot in a training facility in Arizona for right after the senior bowl game at the end of the month. This game was for the best senior collegiate players in the country, who were also the top NFL draft prospects. After that I’d be training all day for the NFL combine at the end of February. I would find out in a few days if I was invited to the combine, but everyone around me was confident. Except for me. At a time in my life when I should be overflowing with self-assurance, I was weak. What I believed and what I knew weren’t true. Grace didn’t want me in her life. She believed my life was easier without them. The gaping hole in my chest kept me off-balance.

“Mom Goldsmith!” Landon’s voice boomed through the kitchen. He jogged to my mom and lifted her off her feet in a giant hug.

My dad rounded the table. “Hello, Emma.” My father kissed her cheek and Emma grinned.

“Merry Christmas, Mr. and Mrs. Goldsmith.” Emma unwrapped her scarf and took off her gloves. “It’s so cold! I’m happy to see you all, but part of me wishes we had stayed in California this year.”

I walked over and hugged Emma. As I passed by Landon, I smacked him on the back of the head. “Your phone dead, numbnut? When did you get into town?”

Landon rubbed his head. “Ow. We just got in this morning. We spent some time with Evie and Garrett and then came straight here. Chill.”

That made me grin. I should’ve known. Evie was Emma’s sister, and Garrett was her live-in boyfriend. Both had different special needs. They were cool people, and I’d learned a lot from them, just like I had from Amy.

Dad slapped Landon on the back. “How are you, son? Graduating soon?” He motioned to the chairs, and we all sat around my parents’ table. Mom placed a platter of sugar cookies in the middle.

“Sweet! Thanks, Mom G.” Landon shoved an entire cookie in his mouth and chewed. Emma’s nose wrinkled as she watched him.

“Why are you still with that animal, Emma?” I made a gagging noise in the back of my throat, and she laughed, shrugging her shoulders. Landon extended his hand around the back of both my parents and shot me his middle finger.

“I still have another year and a half, Mr. G. I’m graduating with an undergraduate degree and a masters in special education. I’ll go right into the classroom when I’m finished.” Landon answered my father before he grabbed another cookie.

“Landon is fantastic with special needs kids, Mr. Goldsmith. We help run a camp every summer, and the kids adore him. He’ll be the best teacher.” She leaned over and kissed Landon’s cheek.

“Thanks, baby.” Landon slung his arm over Emma’s shoulder, pulling her in closer to him.

My stomach twisted. I was
fucking
jealous. In the past anytime I’d ever witnessed Landon falling all over Emma, I felt nothing. That’s not true. I pitied him. I wished for him the life that I had. Filled with nothing but football and females. And now I was jealous. I wanted Grace next to me and Finn on my lap, giving himself a belly ache from my mom’s cookies and hot chocolate.

But according to Grace, they were better off without me.
Bullshit.

“Where’s the rest of the clan? All your brothers and sisters? The little Deans and Deanettes?” Landon asked, arching his neck to look around the kitchen.

My mother pulled out a chair and joined us at the table. “Last-minute Christmas shopping. Devin drove them in the van.”

“Darn. The highlight of my visit home is when the five of them gang up on Dean.” Landon chuckled, and my Dad nodded.

Seems my siblings weren’t the only ones who ganged up on me.

“Mr. and Mrs. Goldsmith? And Dean? I asked Amy to come over here too. Is that all right? We’re going to drive her home later and visit with her parents.” Emma sipped from the mug of hot chocolate my mom handed her.

“Of course! Any of your friends are welcome here,” my dad said.

“Glad to hear that. Merry Christmas everybody!” Jon called out as he walked into the kitchen. Ricky followed behind him.

“Merry, merry,” Ricky mumbled. He was the least jolly motherfucker I had ever seen. I needed to find out what was going on with that guy. Ever since we left for college and he stayed behind, he’d changed. And not for the better.

Mom passed around more steaming mugs of hot chocolate, kissing each of my friends on the cheek as she delivered their drink.

Landon piled his mug high with a handful of marshmallows. He still drank his hot chocolate like a six-year-old. At least some things never changed. “Congrats on graduating early, man. We can’t wait to catch the bowl on television. Are you bringing your girl with you to Florida?” Landon grinned, and I balled my hands into fists under the table. Not his fault. He didn’t know what went down. Fact was, it still hurt like a motherfucker to hear someone refer to Grace as my girl.

My parents exchanged a look before turning to me. “Your girl? Is this the one we waited to meet at the football game?” My mom crossed her arms over her chest. She was furious when Grace was a no-show. No matter how old or ugly I got, I was her baby boy, and she wasn’t okay with anyone hurting me.

Emma’s face fell. “She didn’t come to your game? Was something wrong with her son?”

My dad stood up. “She has a kid?” His face reddened, and I looked up at the ceiling and blew out a breath.
Thanks so much for coming over, Landon and Emma.

“Dad, please sit down.” I scooted my chair back from the table. Emma mouthed an apology to me as Landon rubbed her back. Jon stared at the table, and Ricky looked as confused as I felt.

“Tell us what happened, man,” Landon urged.

I ran my hands through my hair. They all loved me, or at least tolerated me as was the case with Emma. “Mom, Dad, I met a girl named Grace a few months ago. She has a four-year-old son who she’s raised alone while going to college full time.”

“Whoa.” My dad’s eyes widened, and he rubbed his chin.

Mom sat forward and clasped her hands in front of her on the table. “Are her parents present in their lives?”

I shook my head. “They wanted her to get an abortion.” Mom gasped, and Emma slapped her hand across her mouth. “When she refused, they threw her out. Disowned her. Her pregnancy, the birth of her son, every holiday… It’s just the two of them.” My throat was rough as I swallowed. The sour feeling in my stomach grew as it did whenever I thought about Grace’s life.

“And what happened to the kid’s dad?” Landon’s voice was gruff. Landon’s dad disowned him when he lost his scholarship to IU. He knew the feeling of bitter disappointment both from and in a parent. “Where has he been?”

I looked down to the floor. “He died by suicide.” Landon’s curse and my mom’s cry was all I heard. When I surveyed the table, Dad had his eyes closed. My friends looked at each other with wide eyes. “He suffered from depression, and when Grace told him she was pregnant during their senior year of high school, he snapped. He knew he’d let his parents down, and his life was changed. He decided to end it.” My voice cracked, and I got up and walked to the sink. I grabbed a glass from the cabinet and filled it with water, drinking a large gulp.

Mom walked behind me and placed a hand on my back. “Why didn’t she come to the game, Dean? It sure sounds like she needs someone like you in her life. Someone who cares for her.”

I turned to face the group. “I thought she did. I love her. God, I love both of them so much. I was ready to commit to her. To tell her she was all I wanted.”