Until Now (Not Yet #2) (17 page)

“What happened?” Emma asked.

“Finn got sick, and I skipped practice to stay home with him. When she came home that day from work, something had changed. I don’t know what the hell happened. She had a bunch of reasons why we shouldn’t be together anymore.” I slammed the glass of water down on the counter. “She broke up with me.” I dragged my hands through my hair. “She was convinced I wished she didn’t have a son. I don’t know where she got that idea.” My stomach hurt at the recollection.

“Shit, Dean.” Jon stood up and walked over to me. He rubbed the back of his shaved head. “You mean that? You’re in love with Grace?”

I threw my arms out to the side. “Yes! And I don’t understand what the fuck happened.”

Jon looked away. “I do. This is all my fault.”

My blood began to boil. This was bad. I was going to have to hurt my best friend. “What do you mean?” I leaned in so close to Jon that our noses touched. Landon’s chair scraped against the floor as he pushed it back and jumped between us. Ricky followed and moved to the other side of Jon.

“Settle down, boys.” My dad’s voice boomed across the room. “There are ladies present. Jon, tell Dean what you know. Help him make some sense of this mess.”

Jon nodded, and Landon pushed me back another step. “I went to Maria’s Diner looking for Grace when you didn’t show up for practice.” He swallowed hard.

“I know that. Grace told me that you were the one that told her I missed practice and the meeting. She didn’t say that you said more,” I growled.

Jon took a deep breath. “I told her that you’ve worked your whole life to get right where you are now. To go pro. To play ball for a living. And that by skipping the meeting and practice, you’d jeopardized that.”

I reached out and fisted his shirt. “What else did you say, you stupid ass?”

“I told her about me. The way I grew up.”

I released Jon’s shirt and took a step back. You could have heard a pin drop, the room was so silent. Jon rarely talked about his family, but when he did, it wasn’t good.

“I knew you were over there playing house, and it brought me right back to the guys who acted like I mattered to them but then moved on. Away. I thought… that would happen to her kid. I didn’t think you’d want a serious relationship when you were heading to the pros. I thought you’d get tired of them, and the kid would end up hurt.”

His voice dropped low, but I heard every goddamn word that came next. “And I told her what you said on the bus that one time.”

The bus? My mind raced. “What was that?”

Jon looked at Landon over my shoulder, and Landon’s grip on me tightened.
Fuck.
“I told her you wished she didn’t have a kid.”

My mom and Emma both yelled my name in a tone that hinted Jon wasn’t the only one getting hit tonight.

I raised my fist, and Jon yelled out, “I’m sorry, man. You pissed me off when you said that.”

Landon held my arms back as I clamored to get at Jon’s face. “I never said that you jackass!”

“You did. After the Ohio game. Remember? You said it would be easier to be with her without a kid. Some guy said the same thing to my mom. And it sucks, okay?”

Jesus Christ
. Jon would pay for this shit. “You bag of dicks. This is not the same thing that happened to you. Yes of course kids make things harder for anyone at any stage of their relationship. Remember the next thing I said? That I didn’t mind things being complicated? That I dug both of them so much? That I wanted them to be a part of my world and vice versa? You tell her any of that, asshole?”

Jon paled. “I fucked up. I thought you felt sorry for her and her kid. I didn’t know you freaking loved her. I mean, she said she loved you, but I just thought…”

The sound of rushing air filled my ears. My head spun, and I dropped my fist, stumbling backward.

“Calm down, fucker. Calm down and listen.” Landon spoke in my ear, and I dragged in a breath.

“She said she loves me?” My voice was raw, and my throat burned.

“She got pissed, man. She got right in my face and told me she loved you but that she could never be with anyone who didn’t want her son in their life.” Jon looked right into my eyes. “She looked real sad, but now that I hear her whole story… She’s had it so rough. Damn, man. I’m sorry.”

I stared at him. I hated that Jon had a bad childhood, and I sort of got that he was trying to protect Finn from that, but he went too far. He hurt my Grace, and he would be getting punched for it. Right in the face. I knew it, and he knew it. But not in my mom’s kitchen.

“Dean, you both love each other. Have you tried to talk to her since she ended it? This sounds like one huge misunderstanding.” My mom wiped her eyes with a tissue.

I scrubbed my hands over my face. “Yeah, I went to her and begged her to reconsider breaking up with me.” Landon snickered, relishing my new president-level status in the land of pussy, but I ignored him. He had every right to mock me. I may be acting even worse than he did when he lost Emma. “I gave her tickets to the game the next day and told her I wanted her to meet my parents, but she never showed up. I kept calling even after the game. She never returned my messages or texts.”

“She was sick. Very, very sick.” Amy stood in the doorway, frowning.

Everyone froze. I walked over to her slowly. “How do you know that, Amy?”

Amy’s smile was small. “She does love you. She kept saying it all through the fever.”

My stomach plummeted to the ground. I thought I might puke. I didn’t feel sick before the championship game, but this whole day was bringing me to my knees.

Emma walked over to Amy and hugged her. “When did Grace get a fever, Amy?”

Amy looked at Emma and then at me. “Sometime early that Saturday. She texted me that she was sick, and my mom and I went to her house. She was burning up. I took care of Finn.” She beamed with pride. “For seven whole days.”

My mom drew in a sharp breath. “A week! Did Grace go to the hospital, sweetie? Is she okay?”

Amy nodded. “My mom took care of her the whole time. After a few days we tried to take her to the hospital. She was so hot and kept throwing up. She could not talk. Finn was scared. But she would not go.”

Emma’s hand was pressed against her chest. “Why not?”

“She did not have money to pay the bills. And she worried that someone would try and take Finn from her,” Amy said with a frown.

I slumped onto the floor, my head between my knees.

“Fuck me,” Jon muttered.

A tear ran down my face, and I didn’t give a shit that my boys saw it. She loved me. Red loved me. She had been sick and scared, and I wasn’t there for her. Like everyone else in her life.

“Dean?” Amy crouched down next to me on the floor. “Do you love her? Or are you trying to save her? Because she does not need you to save her. She already loves a superhero.”

She was blunt, but she was right. “Grace has never needed me, Amy.” I cleared my throat before I could go on. “But I need her in my life. I love her. I promise you.”

Amy’s grin was wide. “Then go get her.” She pointed toward the door.

Right on, Amy.
I jumped up and looked at my parents. “I gotta go to them.”

“Go!” Dad grabbed my keys off the counter and tossed them my way.

“Bring them back with you,” Mom called out.

Landon jogged after me. He leaned into the open door as I started my truck. “Now you know, man.”

I waited. Waited for him to call me a hypocrite. A pussy. Any of which would be true.

“You know what it feels like to meet the one.” He grinned, and I couldn’t keep the smile off my face. “Now tell her that.” He slammed my door, and I gunned my engine, tires peeling as I flew down the road.

I was going to get my girl and my little dude too.

Chapter Twenty

Grace

Dear Gracie,

Where do we start? Too much time has gone by because of our stubborn pride. I guess we start with sorry. We are so sorry for the way we treated you when you told us you were pregnant. Josh had just died, and I’d like to say that our behavior was due to shock. But that wouldn’t be the truth. We were embarrassed. We had high hopes that our perfect child would never make a mistake.

That wasn’t fair. That isn’t being a parent, and it certainly isn’t how God wanted us to treat our family.

We’ve been praying over what to do. We’ve asked our pastor, and we’ve seen a family therapist. We all agree that we made a horrible mistake. We don’t want to show up on your doorstep unannounced and ask for forgiveness because you have a child. We have a grandchild. And we don’t want to upset him or her.

So we are asking you to contact us. Come to the house. Pick up the phone. Write back. Anything to let us know we can see you. We know that the path to forgiveness will be a long one, but we would like to start. We would like to meet our grandchild.

We love you, Gracie. Even when we acted in the most unloving way, we never stopped loving you.

Love,

Mom and Dad

I read the damn letter for the twentieth time and then crumpled it into a ball. I threw it in the trash before I could read it again. The coffeemaker beeped, and I sighed in relief. I poured a mug full and wrapped my hands around the warm cup. This was the first contact my parents had tried to make in five years.
They were sorry. They were wrong. They loved me. They wanted to meet Finn.
I was so furious. I was so heartbroken. I was so… confused.

Loving Dean and feeling like, even for a minute, Finn and I were part of a bigger family had made me realize what I was missing. I lost Dean, but maybe, just maybe, I could have my family back. Could I ever forgive them?

“Hiya, Mama!” Finn bounded into the kitchen and sat at the table with a grin. “Merry Christmas Eve!”

“Merry Christmas Eve to you too!” I poured him a bowl of cheerios and added milk and a sliced banana.

“Thank you. Did Joe make you a good cup today?” Despite my emotions from the letter, I giggled. When Finn learned that people sometimes called coffee a cup of Joe, he immediately named our coffeemaker Joe. Finn was the absolute best part of every day.

“Joe did an excellent job.” I placed his bowl in front of him and refilled my cup of Joe.

I didn’t have a choice when my parents told me to leave. But I had never reached out again. I had never tried to see if they could forgive me or if I could forgive them. We had been at a standoff, and the biggest loser in that standoff was my son. And Finn deserved more than to suffer at the hands of my pride. Finn deserved a family.

Reaching into the trash can, I dug the letter out, smoothed it down, and reread it.

***

“HO, HO, HO, ho ho!” Finn sang as he hung a Santa ornament on our small tree. Immediately after, he sang along with the holiday song that played on our radio.

I wanted to join him, but I couldn’t find the energy. Even three cups of Joe didn’t liven me up. I wasn’t sure if it was from the letter, my illness, or the loss of Dean, but I couldn’t shake my funk. Not even on Christmas Eve.

I sat on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, and handed Finn one ornament at a time from our box. We didn’t have a ton, but over the years we had collected some store-bought ornaments from places we had visited and quite a few handmade ones.

“Here’s the last one. Then we can hang the popcorn string.” I handed Finn a wreath with a picture of his face glued to the center. He put that together in school with Amy this year.

Looking at our tree, I held back my smile. The top third of the tree was bare. Other years, this would have bothered me. I would have subtly moved ornaments around and filled the tree evenly. This year I couldn’t bring myself to care.

I was determined that Finn wouldn’t suffer from my mood though. We baked cookies, I wrapped his presents, and we watched all the Christmas television shows and movies together. I steeled my heart and tried to think only about Finn.

I was failing, but he didn’t notice. His attention was on the happiest time of the year for a child.

Homemade spaghetti sauce, my mom’s Christmas Eve tradition, bubbled away on the stove. Three times today I had picked up the phone to call her only to hang up before I dialed. But it was a start. Perhaps it was time to see if forgiveness was in our future.

I heard a knock on my door, and my heart swelled. Did Sylvie cancel her trip? It had to be her or Amy.

Finn followed me to the door, wrapping his body around my leg. I opened it a crack, but all I could see was a huge poinsettia plant.

“Merry Christmas, you two. May I come in?” Dean lowered the plant, and his eyes were soft, his brows drawn together. The sound of his voice alone melted the steel around my heart just a bit, and I opened the door wider.

Finn didn’t respond. He turned and walked to the tree, staring at the colored lights in silence. Dean’s face fell.

“What are you doing on campus? Shouldn’t you be home with your family?” I tucked my hands into the sleeves of my sweatshirt so that I wouldn’t reach for him.

“I am home.” He stared at me, and both of our eyes filled with tears. “I have so much to say to you.” He looked over to Finn. “But first I need to apologize to him.”

He handed me the big red plant and a bottle of sparkling cider.
He remembered.

“Just Finn?” He knelt down next to Finn, but Finn refused to turn his way. “I owe you a big apology.” Finn stayed forward, but I saw his chin quiver.

“When I left you said I cracked your heart. I never meant to do that.” Dean looked up at Finn and then over to me. “I never wanted to hurt either of your hearts.”

Finn’s chin and lower lip wobbled. “Can you forgive me? I made a mistake.” Finn took in a shaky breath, and Dean turned to me. “Your mommy thought I lied. I didn’t lie to either of you. I never will. I should have fought harder. I should have stayed until I made things right. Can you both forgive me for leaving? I’ll have to leave for football a lot in the future, but I never want either of you to feel sad when I’m gone. I always want to come back to you both. Always, Grace. I love you. I love you both so much.”