Valentine Present and Other Diabolical Liberties (32 page)

Meanwhile
, at the Boathouse …

     
Babyface Jack paces back and forth, anxiously looking across the loch as he does so. Hamish had radioed to say they were on their way. He has been dreading this moment. He knew it would come but he hadn’t expected to feel so sick at the prospect. He is tempted to leg it but he knows he can’t. He has promised Harriet and he can’t go back on that promise. He finds his mind wandering back to the events of the last two days ...

      ‘What’s ‘appening now?’ Mad Jack Junior asks, biting into a Scotch egg.

     
‘How the ‘ell do I know,’ answers Diamond.

     
‘Christ, they ain’t going to shoot things are they?’ asks a nervous Mad Jack spotting a rifle in Sebastian’s hands.

     
‘I think we should go,’ says Babyface in a nervous voice.

     
‘Will yer stop being such a pansy,’ snaps Diamond. ‘If they’re all out ‘ere it’s a good time for us to go in, ain’t it?’

     
‘Not with ‘em all in the bleedin’ back garden,’ says Mad Jack, scratching his leg. ‘These bleedin’ midgets are a pain in the arse.’

     
‘They’re not out yet, what’s the matter with yer,’ sighs Diamond.

They all jump at the sound of a shotgun.

      ‘Jesus Christ Dad, this is bleedin’ dangerous,’ says Mad Jack, dropping his egg.

     
‘They’re shooting in the air you wally, not firing at us.’

Several more shots sound and echo round the glen making
Babyface tremble.

     
‘I think Mad Jack is right, I think we should leg it,’ he says shakily.

     
‘Yeah,’ agrees Mad Jack. ‘Come on, let’s go. I think …’

He stops in mid-sentence as another shot sounds and
Babyface drops to the ground.

     
‘What the fuck?’ squeals Mad Jack

     
‘Oh my God, they shot him, they shot Babyface,’ he screams.

Diamond stares at his son and then back to th
e house where someone is running towards them. He looks at Babyface lying still on the ground.

     
‘The bastards ‘ave only gone and killed ‘im,’ says Mad Jack with a sob.

Jack Diamond grabs his eldest son and pushes him forward.

      ‘We can’t do nothin’ for him now, come on let’s go.’

Mad Jack freezes.

      ‘We can’t leave him.’

     
‘Don’t be a plonker all your life. What’s to stop them shooting the both of us too? Leg it now.’

Babyface
hears them running away but is too stunned to call them. He’s shaking so much that he wonders if the ground is moving beneath him. A man leans over him and he feels his hand on his leg. A sharp pain shoots through his knee and he groans.

     
‘You’re okay, it’s not a serious wound,’ says the man. ‘What are you doing here?’

He tries to answer but nothing seems to come from his mouth.

      ‘Is he dead?’ He recognises Harriet’s voice and tries to turn his head to see her.

     
‘Of course not, it’s just a graze. He’s in shock more than anything. He must have been poaching. Honestly, no sense these people.’

He wishes he could get away. It won’t be long before Harriet recognises him. He tries to speak but the trembling stops him. He feels himself carried to the house and then he is lying on a bed and Harriet is apologising to him. That’s all wrong
ain’t it? He should be apologising to her. He struggles to find a voice and finally says,

     
‘I’m sorry ‘arriet.’

There is some commotion around him and then a prick in his arm and he knows nothing
until the morning when the doctor and Harriet have a long chat with him. He knows he shouldn’t have told them everything, that it was disrespect to his dad who he knows is big on respect. Not just big, bleeding huge. But what else was he to do? He didn’t agree with his dad, and all he ever wanted to be was clever like Harriet. He found himself telling her and Brice all this. How he’d always wanted to study like she was doing. He wanted to be a proper car mechanic and own his own garage one day. She was nice, was Harriet, she listened. Brice said they could get Harriet out of this mess. He wasn’t sure what they were suggesting about playing his dad at his own game but Harriet said it would mean he could study and his dad wouldn’t end up in the slammer. As it was now, he could be done for all sorts, blackmail, extortion, trespassing and threatening behaviour. The doctor said the list was endless. Babyface said yes for his dad really. Although he hated pretending he was dead all this time. Being carried in the carpet was a bit hairy and he’d been relieved when the copper and Brice, the doctor, had taken over. He’d had the shock of his life when he’d heard that Cedric’s voice. He’d had visions of rolling out of the carpet and having to face that toffee nosed woman with the barking voice. But they’d made it to the boat. He knew his dad would be watching. Dad always did the one-to-five shift whenever they staked a place out. Mad Jack was useless at night shifts, he always dozed off. That’s what he told Harriet.

     
‘If you want my dad to see yer, then yer ‘ave to do it about two o’clock, otherwise by three he’ll be asleep. You should make some noise with the boat just in case.’

And so he had rolled out of the carpet once it was on the boat and then
Brice and the copper had chucked it into the loch shortly afterwards. Dad would think it was his body for sure. That was how bodies were disposed of his dad had always said, that and other ways that Babyface didn’t even want to think about. His dad weren’t bad, not really. He ain’t never killed anyone. But he knew people who had and how they had disposed of the body in a rolled up carpet. He was a bit crooked his dad, but that was all. That’s why Babyface told them a rolled up carpet was best. He knew his dad would come to the house, and now he has. He’ll miss this little boathouse, it had been nice for his short stay and Brice had given him some interesting books to read. He likes Brice. He hears the boat in the distance and collects the books before opening the door to meet Angus.

      ‘Excuse me madam, there is a … erm gentleman at the door asking for you. At least I think he is asking for you,’ says Cedric, blushing slightly.

Heavens I don’t think I have ever seen Cedric blush.

      ‘Did he ask for me by name?’ asks Margarita.

     
‘In a manner of speaking,’ replies Cedric.

     
‘Oh for God’s sake man, who did he ask for?’

     
‘The old battleaxe madam. I couldn’t fit that description to anyone else,’ he replies poker-faced.

     
‘Who is this person, and are you sure it is me he wants to see?’ she replies, seemingly not in the least put out to be termed the old battleaxe.

     
‘I think it may well be you old girl,’ says Brice.

     
‘And what would you know about it young man?’

The interruption couldn’t have come at a better time. I rather felt had it not, that Sebastian or Hamilton may well have murdered Margarita themselves. Honestly, I’ve never known a family like this one. I’m thinking I should buy them all self-help books as leaving presents. You know, along the lines of Louise Hay
You can heal your life.
Before Brice can reply the ballroom door is flung open and Jack Diamond and his son stride in arrogantly. They stop at the opulent sight in front of them and Mad Jack opens his mouth in shock.

     
‘Good evening,’ Jack Diamond says, taking everyone in. A hush descends upon the room and all that can be heard are the bagpipes slowly grinding to a halt.

     
‘Bleeding ‘ell, this is fan-bloody-tastic,’ Mad Jack Junior gasps.

Jack Diamond looks around and nods in agreement.

      ‘Don’t stop on my account,’ Diamond says to the piper. ‘We like a bit of music don’t we Mad Jack? Me missus loves all that old-fashioned stuff.’

Mad Jack nods. They are both wearing suits, complete with ties and shiny shoes. Diamond’s hair is greased back with gel and the smell of his aftershave permeates the room. Fiona pulls Alistair closer to her and whispers,

      ‘It’s the Jacks, well two of them at least.’

Alistair’s mouth drops open. Julian backs slowly away from them until he is at the ballroom doors. His attempt to slip through them is thwarted by Brice who pushes him back. Jack Diamond walks towards the tray of champagne that Emily is holding and takes t
wo glasses.

     
‘Thanks darlin’. You’re looking pretty tonight. ‘ere Mad Jack, ‘ave one of these. I bet you ain’t had champagne like this.’

     
‘Now look here …’ begins Sebastian.

Jack Diamond stops him with his hand.

      ‘Business after pleasure, mate, what do yer say? Let’s all enjoy the champers shall we? ‘aving a celebration are yer? Let me guess, it’s an engagement party right?’

     
‘I don’t know who you are but if you don’t leave right now you’ll leave me with no option but to phone the police,’ says Sebastian confidently.

     
‘Oh, I wouldn’t go doing that if I was you,’ smiles Diamond. ‘You ain’t begrudging me ‘avin’ a little toast for old ‘arriet and ‘amilton are yer?’

Melanie lets out a little cry.

      ‘How did you know about that?’ demands Sebastian.

     
‘I think you should call the police Dad,’ says Hamilton.

     
‘Mate, we know everythin’, ain’t that right ‘arriet?’ says Mad Jack looking at me.

     
‘What the hell Harry?’ says Julian.

     
‘Friends of yours are they Harriet?’ sniggers Phoebe. ‘Well that figures doesn’t it? Or are they extended family?’

Margarita wheels herself in front of Diamond and knocks the champagne out of his hand.

      ‘Alright young man, you may be able to frighten everyone else here but you don’t frighten me. Now, you wanted to speak to the old battleaxe and here I am. Spit it out. I’m presuming people like you are good at spitting.’

     
‘Bleedin’ cheek,’ says Mad Jack Junior putting his glass down.

Jack Diamond calmly brushes down the front of his shirt.

      ‘I think you get the message,’ says Sebastian arrogantly. ‘Now leave our house. By the back door if you would. Cedric, show these gentlemen out, and I use that term loosely.’

Diamond laughs.

      ‘Cocky ain’t we? But I don’t think you cut the mustard me ole mate. Now let’s get down to brass tacks shall we?’

     
‘I have no idea what this man is talking about,’ barks Margarita. ‘What does he mean
brass tacks
? And what is this about the mustard? Does cook know about this Cedric?’

I reluctantly step forward. Desperate times call for desperate measures. God
, I’m sounding like Diamond, it must be catching. Margarita looks across the room and shouts,

     
‘Diamond, what do you think you’re doing?’

Jack Diamond’s head snaps up.

      ‘What,’ he says.

     
‘Stop that at once, you bad girl.’

Mad Jack Junior fidgets nervously.

      ‘She called you a bad girl Dad,’ he says, looking at Margarita with wide eyes.

     
‘Now, hang on Mrs …’ says Diamond looking thrown.

I point to the cat that is licking the engagement cake.

      ‘That is Diamond,’ I say. ‘He’s just a dumb animal with the same name, but still, if the name fits.’

Diamond looks at me with distaste.

      ‘I think it’s time for a few home truths, don’t you ‘arriet?’

I shrug.

      ‘I’ll cut to the chase shall I? First of all, she,’ he says cockily pointing at me, ‘is no more ‘amilton’s fiancée than I am. She’s just after the money.’

     
‘I wonder why?’ chips in Brice.

Jack Diamond ignores him and points at Margarita.

      ‘And this old battleaxe would like you all to think she’s dying. Well, I can tell yer now, she ain’t.’

     
‘Yeah,’ says Mad Jack, smugly. ‘You’ve all been conned.’

We all stare at them with bored expressions on our faces.

      ‘Is that it?’ asks Sebastian.

     
‘Yes, is that everything?’ encourages Brice.

     
‘Do you want to tell us something we don’t know?’ adds Sebastian.

Jack Diamond and Mad Jack look around puzzled.

      ‘I’m afraid you’re a bit late. The shit hit the fan ten minutes ago,’ I say. ‘It’s kind of old news.’

Diamond shakes with anger and turns a red face towards Margarita.

      ‘Right,’ he says loudly, ‘I want ten grand up front and a grubby hand every month after that.’

     
‘A grubby hand?’ she repeats distastefully.

     
‘A grand,’ says Fi helpfully.

     
‘How d-d-d-did you know that?’ asks Alistair impressed.

     
‘I picked it up somewhere,’ she says proudly, squeezing his arm.

I shake my head. Honestly
, those two, what are they like? One minute Fiona can’t stand him and the next she’s all over him like a rash.

      ‘Have you gone stark staring mad young man, no one is going to give you that,’ says a shocked Margarita.

     
‘Then, I’ll call the old bill shall I? Ask them to search that lake of yours.’

Margarita looks puzzled.

      ‘He means the loch,’ adds Brice helpfully.

     
‘Why would anyone want to search the loch?’ she asks.

Jack Diamond slaps his hand to his head.

      ‘Of course, none of yer know do yer? I got to paint a bleeding portrait for you ain’t I? When they search your loch they’ll find my son, cos she killed ‘im,’ he says, dramatically pointing to me. ‘And he ‘elped dispose of the body, and so did she?’ He reels around and points first to Brice and then Fiona.

There are gasps
and murmurs from around the ballroom. Phoebe claps her hand to her mouth and Alistair’s eyes widen. His mouth gapes and all he can articulate is,

     
‘F-f-f-f-f- …’

     
‘Fiddlesticks,’ I say.

     
‘Fuck,’ he finishes.

     
‘Oh,’ I say, ‘it never normally is that.’

     
‘Shut up Harry,’ snaps Fiona.

     
‘I knew you were a nasty piece of work but I didn’t think you were that nasty,’ cries Phoebe.

I give her an evil
look.

     
‘Christ Harry, you bloody killed Babyface Jack. Were you out of your mind?’ says Julian,

     
‘Have you gone stark staring mad? My grandson is a doctor. He makes people well, he doesn’t kill them,’ Margarita says with disbelief etched on her face.

     
‘Oh, I get it now,’ says Caron excitedly. ‘Is it one of them murder mystery things?’

Gary claps his hands.

      ‘Blimey, you’ve planned this bloody well. Are they actors?’ he asks nodding towards the Jacks. ‘And he’s got a finger missing, this is cool, huh Caron?’

She nods.

      ‘Is this a game Brice?’ Margarita asks.

Jack Diamond bangs his fist
on the table.

     
‘Right, listen up will yer? There ain’t no bleedin’ mystery ‘ere. ‘arriet shot my son Babyface Jack, and she and that friend of ‘ers carried him to a boat in a rolled up carpet. I saw it with me own eyes. In the dead of bleeding night they did it. I saw me son Babyface Jack, dead on the ground he was, ain’t that right Mad Jack Junior.’

     
‘Oh yeah, as if,’ laughs Gary.

     
‘Oh God,’ cries Emily softly.

Cedric looks from Diamond to me.

      ‘Is this true madam?’ he asks. ‘Did you shoot this baby Jackface?’

     
‘Babyface Jack,’ corrects Fiona.

     
‘It was an accident,’ I say.

Well it was wasn’t it? There is a stunned silence. Mum and
Dad are looking incredulous along with everyone else.

     
‘You murdered someone?’ says Dad.

There are shocked cries from the guests.

      ‘Shouldn’t someone call the police? This is highly irregular,’ says one stepping forward to face Diamond.

     
‘On your way young man while you can,’ he says in his upper-crust voice.

Diamond surveys him and grins.

      ‘And who the ‘ell are you?’

     
‘I’m the Honourable Lord Maycroft and you are very much upsetting my wife, Lady Annabel Maycroft.’

     
‘Ooh I say,’ says Mad Jack imitating Lord Maycroft’s accent.

     
‘Well we’re the Honourable Diamonds and we ain’t going nowhere. Now, there ain’t no good crying over spilt milk is there, I mean what’s done is done. I just think you should pay a little compensation for it. I ain’t going to the filth as long as you pay up,’ says Diamond his eyes hard as steel.

He walks calmly past Margarita to the table. Several guests back away nervously and he smiles
before taking another glass of champagne. ‘Of course, if you don’t pay up I’ll have to pay the old bill a visit, and I guess old ‘arriet and your doctor grandson will rot away in prison.’

     
‘Are you seriously threatening us?’ asks Brice. ‘There are a lot of very respectable witnesses in this room.’

I hold my breath.

      ‘I think a few crates of this nice champers would go down a treat too. Shall we say a crate a month? Put it this way, I can’t guarantee anything if you don’t ‘elp yourself. Yer know what I mean? There are villains around who wouldn’t think twice about robbing an old dear like your Gran ‘ere or torching them barns outside. You know what I’m saying? Little bleeders some of these villains but me, well I’ve got a bit of class.’

Brice steps forward and Margarita looks at him hopefully.

      ‘If it’s all the same I think we’ll decline your whole offer as fair as it seems to be,’ he says calmly. ‘Do you agree old girl,’ he adds looking towards Margarita.

     
‘Well, I don’t know. I don’t want you going to prison Brice,’ she says anxiously.

I wait for her to mention me but there is nothing, nothing from her at all. It’s okay for me to rot in jail then. Mad Jack looks uncomfortable but forces a laugh.

      ‘I think you would be going up a blind alley mate if you don’t pay me,’ says Diamond with a hint of menace in his tone.