Valentine Present and Other Diabolical Liberties (33 page)

     
‘I can’t agree with you Diamond. You see, the thing is, I don’t know what you’re talking about when you say Babyface is dead. Harriet shot him in error yes, but we took good care of him. I rather think your blackmailing of Harriet is something of a bigger crime,’ says Brice, helping himself to a glass of champagne.

     
‘What yer talking about?’ asks
Diamond. ‘I saw the carpet with me own bleedin’ eyes.’

     
‘Indeed you did,’ smiles Brice. ‘And he was in it. But we never dumped him in the loch. We dumped the carpet, but your son was not in it.’

     
‘I don’t believe this. You’re all bleedin’ mad. I’ll go to the old bill, I’m telling yer. Give me the money or I’ll do it.’

Brice nods to me and I open the French doors to allow
Babyface and Angus into the ballroom.

     
‘Allow us to bring the police to you,’ says Brice with a smile.

     
‘Evening all,’ nods Angus in his police uniform. The uniform is just a bit tight and Angus’s chest strains against the fabric and his hair spills out from under his hat. I fight back my smile. He looks a most unlikely police officer.

     
‘Good God Angus, why are you dressed …’ blurts out Margarita.

     
‘Shall we hear what people have to say old girl,’ butts in Brice.

I take a deep breath and send out a silent prayer. Please
please let this go according to plan, otherwise I’m in shit street good and proper. Julian looks like he is about to keel over any minute. Gary is jumping around in excitement. The poor bugger still thinks it is a murder mystery evening. He’ll be devastated when he finds out there are no prizes. Jack Diamond
looks at Babyface and his face widens in a huge grin.

     
‘Where the bastard ‘ell have you been?’ he demands.

Melanie sighs.

      ‘Oh honestly, do we have to listen to this?’ asks Sebastian. ‘God knows haven’t we had enough shocks for one evening?’

Margarita scoffs.

      ‘Do shut up Sebastian and for once in your life listen to someone else. Now, what on earth is this all about Brice?’

I step forward.

      ‘It’s all about me really,’ I say.

     
‘Isn’t that a surprise,’ snaps Phoebe. There is pleasure written all over her face.

     
‘Harriet, careful what you say,’ warns Julian.

     
‘I think you would be wise to stay out of this,’ says Brice firmly.

     
‘I’m sorry Dad,’ says Babyface. ‘I know it was wrong to let yer think I was dead. But the thing is I was getting scared about you doing bird. I mean, what would Mum do with you inside? And …’

     
‘What did he just say?’ asks a perplexed Margarita.

     
‘Yer mum has sod all to do with this boy. Now, just keep yer mouth shut.’

Babyface
looks worriedly at Brice and then to me.

     
‘We’ve got a small problem here Jack,’ Brice says pointing to Diamond. ‘We know about your blackmailing of Harriet, extorting money from her, threatening to burn down the restaurant if she didn’t pay, and of course I’m conveniently forgetting you were trespassing on private property, and I’m not even mentioning how you blackmailed Harriet’s boyfriend Julian, over there,’ he says pointing to a nervous Julian. ‘Although I’m sure
he
deserved everything he got. But you made the big mistake of coming here and blackmailing my grandmother. The problem is Sergeant Tweedy here heard everything outside the door.’

Diamond looks wide
-eyed at Angus.

     
‘Sergeant Angus Tweedy at your disposal,’ Angus grins.

     
‘God, this is fan-bloody-tastic,’ cries Gary. ‘I bet it was in the library with the lead piping. Am I right?’

     
‘It’s sheer bloody madness,’ says Phoebe. ‘Hamilton why are you allowing such common behaviour in your home?’

     
‘I’ll have you know this is my home, young lady,’ barks Margarita. ‘None of this belongs to Hamilton and if I have my way, it never will. As for you Angus, I have no idea what you’re playing at but I’m willing to see this charade to its conclusion.’

Angus nods politely.

      ‘What the hell is going on Babyface?’ Mad Jack Junior shouts. ‘You’re a bloody traitor you are. Letting the firm down, where’s your respect?’

     
‘Shut your mush Mad Jack,’ says Diamond, taking a sip from his glass.

     
‘I don’t wanna keep me mouth shut,’ says Babyface proudly. ‘I ‘ave got respect, so you just shut it Mad Jack. I don’t want Dad in the clink and you shouldn’t want that neither and the other thing Dad, is I don’t wanna be a … a …’

     
‘Yeah a what?’ laughs Mad Jack. ‘A bleedin’ retard …’

     
‘I’m not a retard,’ shouts Babyface. ‘I’ve been studying …’

     
‘You’ve been what?’ shouts Diamond, spitting out his drink.

Gary waves his hand in the air.

      ‘When do we start guessing who did it?’ he asks, gesturing to Cedric. ‘Another lager mate.’

I roll my eyes.

      ‘This isn’t bloody Columbo,’ I snap.

     
‘Be quiet Gary love,’ says Mum. ‘I’m sure Harry will tell us when we can join in.’

     
‘Studying what?’ laughs Mad Jack. ‘How to be a bleedin’ idiot? Cos I can tell yer it worked.’

     
‘Shut your mush I told yer?’ snaps Diamond. ‘What yer been studying?’ he asks Babyface.

     
‘Car mechanics, I like it. I ain’t done much but I like it and I don’t wanna be in the firm.’

Julian steps forward cockily, obviously not so fearful
of losing his ear/tongue/penis with a room full of witnesses.

     
‘I’m not paying you any more
either,’ he says with a little quiver in his voice.

Diamond shoves him aside roughly.

      ‘Obviously I’m happy to discuss it,’ adds Julian nervously.

     
‘Do shut up Julian. Amazingly enough this isn’t about you,’ I snap.

Angus takes a pair of handcuffs from
his pocket.

     
‘Okay, let’s go shall we?’ he says, stepping towards Diamond.

     
‘Just a minute,’ I say taking my cue.

     
‘If these men are sorry and promise not to bother us again we don’t have to press charges do we?’

     
‘I rather think we do young lady,’ says Margarita.

     
‘I think Grandmother is right,’ Hamilton adds. ‘I’m with you all the way Grandma. We can’t have people like this threatening you. The thing is it wouldn’t surprise me if Harriet knows these men. In fact, I’m starting to wonder if she is involved. I didn’t want to tell you this but she actually forced me to deceive you. I didn’t want to,’ he says stepping close to her and warming to his theme. ‘But, I got involved with her and when I tried to break it off she threatened me saying she’d go to the papers, tell them how I demanded kinky sex and …’

What the fuck. Several of the guests gasp in amazement and make their way to the French doors.

      ‘That’s enough Hamilton. I think we get the picture,’ interrupts Sebastian.

     
‘Hamilton, I wouldn’t have sex, bleeding kinky or otherwise, with you. As for telling the papers, well really, you don’t honestly think I would admit to anyone that we had sex, do you? Unless you sort out that halitosis of yours I really can’t imagine anyone wanting sex with you.’

Margarita laughs.

      ‘She does have a point boy. What is your reason for not pressing charges against these men Harriet?’

     
‘Because everyone deserves a second chance,’ I say, praying she agrees.

     
‘That’s my feeling,’ agrees Hamilton. ‘Everyone deserves a second chance.’

     
‘It’s not mine,’ says Julian.

     
‘I totally agree. I think Babyface is the killer and the body is in the kitchen,’ pipes up Gary.

For Christ
’s sake.

     
‘Second chances,’ barks Margarita. ‘Not fourth and fifth chances, Hamilton. You have well passed your second chance. You never stop lying. Now let me get this straight. Mr Diamond here was blackmailing Julian, who I now understand is your boyfriend?’

     
‘Ex-boyfriend,’ I correct.

     
‘Harriet, come on,’ pleads Julian.

     
‘Shut up you bleeding idiot. If my Harriet says you’re her ex, that’s exactly what you are,’ snaps Mum.

     
‘And you got left with the debts. Am I correct so far?’

I nod.

      ‘So my darling grandson here offered you money to pretend to be his girlfriend so I’d be pleased.’

     
‘No no …’ begins Hamilton.

She gives him a sharp look and he stops immediately.

      ‘Brice, what are your thoughts? You seem to be getting somewhat involved I notice.’

Phoebe laughs.

      ‘This is a joke of the most ridiculous magnitude. She’s just a washerwoman. Brice isn’t interested in her. He told me so. She works in a laundrette, I ask you, and she swans down here and thinks all the men want her. You’re a novelty, you and your family. Everyone here is just enjoying the farce of your little working-class family. Let’s face it, this is the first time we’ve seen someone drinking lager from a can. You can’t possibly take anything she says seriously.’

I look at Brice who lowers his eyes. Gary’s shoulders twitch and he puts his can down. I feel both anger and pity for him. Caron walks towards Phoebe and before anyone has a chance to stop her she slaps Phoebe across the face.

      ‘I imagine you’ve never had anyone do that
either,’ she yells.

     
‘Oh my giddy aunt,’ cries Mum.

     
‘How dare you speak about people like that in my home. Harriet and her family are here at my invitation which is more than can be said for you,’ growls Margarita.

Brice steps towards me but I give him a warning glance. How dare he discuss me with that horrible Phoebe?

      ‘I think we should leave this in the hands of Angus,’
Brice says simply.

     
‘I agree. Take them away Angus.’

He nods and ushers the Jacks
into the hall. Noise breaks out in the ballroom the minute we close the door.

     
‘So she agrees,’ says Angus.

     
‘I knew she would,’ smiles Brice looking at me. I turn away. Somewhere at the back of my mind is the notion that Phoebe was right. Brice is enjoying all of this. It has probably been good entertainment for him. What a fool I am. You’d think I’d have learnt something from Julian’s lies wouldn’t you?

Diamond shrugs off Angus’s arm.

      ‘What the bleedin’ hell is going on?’ he asks nervously.

     
‘Let’s just say it’s your lucky day shall we,’ Angus says, rubbing his hands. ‘Now, I’m getting old, you know what I mean? All this hassle, it’s too much for me. The police force doesn’t pay what it used to, know what I mean? I’m sure you do. Now, how about you give me six hundred pounds, in cash mind you, and we forget everything, saves me the hassle of taking you and your boys in and all the paperwork I’d have to do. Of course, if you go near Harriet again I’ll come after you with all guns blazing. You got that?’

     
‘Pay him Dad,’ says Mad Jack his eyes wild and bright.

Babyface
winks at me and I give a half smile.

     
‘Wait a minute, you saying we can just go if I pay yer six hundred smackers?’

     
‘And promise never to go near Harriet again. If you do I’ll have you for everything, and I mean everything, blackmail, extortion, trespassing, threatening behaviour, and of course theft.’

     
‘I ain’t stole nothing,’ says Diamond confidently as he fishes in his wallet.

He hands
over the cash reluctantly.

     
‘Come on Dad, let’s go while we can. Get in the motor Babyface,’ orders Mad Jack.

     
‘Oh yes, one more thing if you want me off your back. We want to see Babyface studying, isn’t that right Harriet?’

I nod and give
Babyface a smile.

     
‘Jesus Christ, she’ll be wantin’ to bleedin’ adopt him next.’

     
‘And of course we’ll want the van back. You know the one you stole.’